Since everyone in the entire world is morally obligated to lament the passing of MJ, let’s just start with that, shall we? Who didn’t love MJ? And Scream was one of the latter day MJ classics and had a cool video to boot in which Janet (Ms. Jackson if you’re nasty) sported some aggressively fugly hair and fantastic cleavage and a good time was had by all. I’m sad he’s dead, but the man’s whole entire face was falling off, he was a freaky weirdo child molester in his twilight years, and apparently hopped up on pain pills all the time, so really, what did we all expect, kittens? MJ had been heading this way for a while now. But hey, at least we’ll get to see the MJ themed AI episode from this season and watch that glitter bomb sexy baby Adam Lambert destroy Black or White (not “and” Nigel, “or”. It’s Black or White) so something wonderful has come out of MJ’s death already.
Moving on, noodles. I’m so proud of America. You bitches really got it right last night. I may not totally be feeling the love for this season yet, but the SYTYCD voting public and I are as one. So much more sophisticated and discerning than the crazy people who vote for AI. Sigh. I love this show, so, so much.
Oh my god, can’t believe what I saw as I turned on the TV this evening
That group dance was the hotness. Brandon is a wonder, darlings. The kid is ridiculously talented. It’s no wonder that he’s been prominently featured in every single group number this season. Last night, he was sexy for me for the first time. Damn. Janette is a diva and now I really, really want to see her do a salsa routine on the show so I hope that they have found a choreographer to replace Alex da Silva. Kayla, Karla, Jeanine all wet on that table, all the girls were sizzling except Asuka who continued to disappoint. And the boys really worked well. I thoroughly enjoyed that group dance, and kittens, that had me in a tizzy because initially I thought Cat said that NappyTab had laid that down. How could it be possible? Would I have to rearrange my entire world view and admit that NappyTab are not 90% crap choreographers? Well, no, I wouldn’t because upon review I realized that there were other steamy fingers in the pie. Fingers belonging to the original bare-chested ballroom hottie, Dmitry. So obvi, we know who brought the fabulosity to the party, right? I hate Pitbull and almost everything about reggaeton, but that routine made me cross my legs and breathe out. Mercy.
Also bringing the hotness? Miss Cat Deeley. The crack hos just get shadier and shadier by the minute. And they are acting out by dressing Mary in ever more bizarre bed sheet fashions.
As jacked as it sounds, the whole system sucks
Darlings, SYTYCD is even worse than AI at building B3 suspense and I didn’t even think that was possible. Five couples bang off the mark, four of whom are so obviously safe that it’s laughable? That is not the way that the game is played. So poor, doomed Asuka and Vitolio had to trudge out to center stage with Cat and a quartet of Janette and Brandon, Randi and Evan, Melissa and Ade, and Jeanine and Phillip. Hmm, let’s see. The three couples who danced the best routines last night plus the fan favorite dancer of the season, none of whom have ever been B3, versus Stankface and her partner who damn near went home week one. I wonder who is not safe. I’ll say it again America. Well done, for not letting Unca Nigel manipulate you into putting Phillip in the B3 this week. Of course, next week would be a perfectly appropriate moment to send his ass packing. Think on it.
Kinda disgusted, so what does this mean?
I’ll admit I was worried when I saw Kayla and Kupono in the final trio of losers and wannabes. Years of watching AI where good contestants get sent home while the Tattoo Sleeves and Kristy Lee Cooks of the world live to bleat on another day has conditioned me to expect the worst of the home voting audience. I knew Karla and Jonathan were toast, but Jason and Caitlin got unduly praised for that horrendous Paso they unleashed on an unsuspecting viewing audience. And Caitlin was practically naked and playing into years of nerd boy fantasies by sporting the Princess Leia bikini. And O Fortuna, while not at all appropriate to the dance, is a song with magic powers. But I needn’t have worried, kiddies. Not even Nigel can turn shit into shineola. I really think Kayla and Kupono can gel into a second tier power couple, kind of like a Courtney/Gev situation from last season. Just for the love of all that’s holy, don’t let them pull Broadway next week.
Side Note: Because it’s been so long since we had one, no? Just being young and cute does not make you a good dancer. Many of the members of Rage Boys Crew were more adorable than a basket full of kittens and puppies and rainbows. And the little bittiest one that Cat wanted to put in her pocket? Yeah, I hate kids and he made my ovaries ache he was so sweet. That said, the vast majority of those boys couldn’t dance and they looked like a poorly synchronized, barely choreographed mess up there on that stage. A cute mess, but a mess nonetheless. You can do better, Show. I know you can.
You tell me I’m wrong, then you better prove you’re right
Solo time. Once again, only one was worth anything.
Asuka – She looked defeated, didn’t she kittens? It’s like she could tell that she was going home. I suppose it was on par with, or maybe even a little bit better than, her week one vamping. At least there were actual recognizable steps this time. It’s a shame that they weren’t done well.
Vitolio – So last night I said that I thought that Asuka was just really not that good, and I still hold that to be true, darlings. But on the real? Vitolio is starting to look real suspect his damn self. That was just a series of random leaps and the occasional arm movement. And the end of that solo was watch from the hall material. I was embarrassed for him and I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe he weren’t the kind of “dancer” who regularly has dollar bills stuffed down his pants. Nigel nailed him perfectly in the critique. He has got to bring it better than that if he has any hopes of making it past next week.
Karla – Her technique let her down a little bit last night. She absolutely did fall out of every turn she attempted. Having said that, noodles, I enjoyed the piece. She did a complete, choreographed routine. She obviously thought about what she would present on that stage. She had some quirky and interesting movement going on and some very dynamic and lovely, grounded dancing. I think this girl has talent, but right now she’s barely hanging on by her fingernails. I’ll be amazed if she doesn’t go home next week.
Jonathan – What was he even doing? Y’all, this kid should’ve never gotten within 100 feet of this show. Hell, even Big Pasty was better last year. There was nothing in that dance to even comment on. He flailed around for 20 seconds and then did a tumbling pass. Cirque du Soleil awaits, my son. Go and be all about that because you will never be a dancer.
Caitlin – Kittens, I’m so frustrated with this one. That solo was gorgeous. On her own? Sparkle. She has it. Great technique, a lovely, airy quality to her dancing, poise and charm. I didn’t even mind the back flip in pike position (what?) she threw in at the end there. I don’t know why she’s not popping on the show. I really think it’s that the partnership with Jason is just not working well for either of them.
Jason – I admit I’m not a Jason fan. I know that Shankdaddy thinks this kid is so SYTYCD, but honestly, I just don’t see it. This was another solo that was frenetic and disjointed with a lot of twisting and turning and leaping but not much dancing or musicality or artistry. He so far away from the top 3 guys (Brandon, Evan, Ade) that it’s not even funny. And I truly believe that his partnership with Caitlin is not serving her well, and since I care about her far more than I care about him, well, I’m just about ready for him to go home, aren’t you?
Kicking me down and I got to get up
Perfect eliminations tonight, kittens. Bye bye, Stank Face. Don't let the door hit you on the way out. And Jonathan Who? Exactly. I think Vitolio and Karla will do much, much better together. I'm not sure they'll be as successful a new couple as Kayla and Kupono turned out to be. What I'd truly love is if they paired Caitlin with Vitolio. Her solo last night was beautiful. She really sparkles away from Jason, but together they just don't mesh. I think Caitlin and Vitolio could be quite good together. And then Jason could wind up with Karla and I wouldn't care if they went home next. Come on, Simon Fuller. You can break the rules this once, can’t you? MJ would want you to.
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