SYTYCD S5 Finals Ep7 No Vaseline

Kittens, if you are familiar with the Ice Cube oeuvre, then you know what I’m talking about. Or if you’ve ever seen an episode of OZ. Tremendous amounts of bullshit were strewn on that dance floor last night, no? Let’s start off by acknowledging that the dancing was good to excellent last night with none of the couples really having a miss. And normally, I care not one whit for the backstage machinations of Simon Fuller and Co. because we all are aware that this “reality” competition is about as real as Mary’s weave. But, darlings, come on. Last night strained all credibility and exposed the producer’s agenda so blatantly that the disrespect burned. If they really wanted Karla and Vitolio gone that badly, noodles, they should’ve just kicked two couples off last week and given us this week as a free performance by your top 12, no? All that said, BFree and his magnificent weirdness may foil Unca Nigel’s plans and get Caitlin and Jason sent home instead and that’s just one more reason to love the awesomeness that is Brian Friedman. But let’s get down to the grimy business of last night’s show, shall we?


Light ‘Em Up, Burn ‘Em Up, Flame On

Janette and Brandon/Cha Cha (Hush, Hush; Hush, Hush) – These two have not missed a step and they were “Oh my stars and garters!” amazing once again last night. Keeping with last night’s theme of fucking over Karla and Vitolio, the dance was style adjacent for Janette, but mercy did she bring it darlings! All of her steps were so down into the floor and the snap in those legs? Fire. And Brandon is a superstar. On occasion, he had the stiff arm, pinky of terror pose going when he was turning Janette, but other than that I was floored by how well he picked up that ballroom technique. As Mary pointed out, his feet were gorgeous in that number, good hip action, excellent carriage. And Jean Marc and Franz did not hold back in that piece. There was some tough stuff in there. I’d put money on these two getting to top 4. Now give them either a contemporary piece or a real salsa. I know someone in LA besides Alex da Silva is available and knows how to choreograph a salsa. Hell, I bet Janette could probably do it herself.

This is where I will take a break to state that I will not be recapping Mia. She had some good points during last night’s judging and gave some helpful notes to the dancers, but heavens I have never seen someone who needs to get over herself more. The show is not about her, or any of the other choreographers for that matter, it’s about the dancers. She is reaching Judge #4 levels for me. I really do not want her on panel again.

Kayla and Kupono/Contemporary (Eyes on Fire) – Sigh. I loved this piece. I love the two of them with Sonya. They both showed amazing body control here. The lifts were lovely. Darlings, you know how much I love Kayla’s feet, but Kupono displayed some fantastic feet of his own. And leaps with nice amplitude. And More flexibility than I knew he had. He rocked it. I thought they were exquisite. So why the sigh? Can you say unfair advantage, noodles? And these two don’t even need it. They are wonderful dancers. Challenge them to get out of their comfort zone. Kayla needs to do some hip hop right the hell now and Kupono needs to show that he can master it. They need to do a ballroom dance, smooth or Latin, that is not just a contemporary piece in disguise. They are a lock for top 10, especially Kayla, but if they go any farther, I want them to earn it.

Karla and Vitolio/Quickstep (Putting on the Ritz) – Jean Marc and Franz have put together some really great numbers for the show this year and I am loving that they are giving Franz equal billing because hello? Homegirl is fierce. So I adored this routine. The concept was great; there was a decent amount of actual Quickstep; the choreography called for the dancers to spend a good amount of time in closed hold. And best of all, of course, Karla and Vitolio put their foot in this dance and offered up a big old “Fuck you” to Nigel. Both of them held their frames quite nicely even in closed hold, which so rarely happens with couples where neither partner has a ballroom background. And the side by side dancing was so, so pretty. Vitolio got the character of the dance more than Karla, but she definitely held her own. What a fun piece! I can see why it got the pimp slot. Now it’s up to y’all to do the right thing, kiddies. We’ll see if you did soon enough.

Now Let’s Play Big Bank Take Little Bank

Melissa and Ade/Pas de Deux (Romeo and Juliet) – Kittens, raise your hand if you find it even the least bit plausible that Melissa has never danced this piece before in her 29 years of ballerina-dom? Nobody? OK, then. Look, she was lovely. She had a light, airy quality. She brought the innocence and joy necessary to the piece. Her pointe work was exquisite. But really? And isn’t she from LA? Do we really believe that she is not familiar with Thordal Christensen, the artistic director of the LA City Ballet? Hmmmm. I think I’ll pass on the Kool Aid, Mr. Jones. Ade gave it the old college try and for a non-balletomane, he did a good job, but some of those lifts were labored and he got tangled up in his feet quite a bit. It was lovely and rigged and Melissa outshone Ade in every way possible.

Jeanine and Phillip/Hip Hop (Love Lockdown) – NappyTab for this couple again. How utterly unexpected. And they’re in their literal vein (Do they have another one?) and we know how much mama loves that about them, don’t we? It was a clever routine. Everyone raves about NappyTab’s smooth hip hop but I actually think that some of their harder hitting stuff is more successful when the dancers can handle it, think Mark and Comfort’s NappyTab routine to Party People. And Phillip and Jeanine definitely hit it. The chain was overly literal and not necessary because the choreography was strong enough to stand on its own. Shame that NappyTab are not confident enough in their work to forego the gimmicks. And Jeanine outdanced Chbeeb again. Some more. And this time in his own style. Darlings, I’m so over the Chbeeb. I really, really want for him to go home before top 10 because he’s just a limited dancer. Obviously Simon and Unca Nigel have other plans.

Ya Done Run 100 Miles, But You Still Got One to Go

Randi and Evan/Broadway (Rich Man’s Frug) – I’ve lost my ability to be outraged at the blatant rigging, so now let’s be outraged about something else. Down with the faux Fosse! Joey Dowling does it better than Tasty Oreo, but that’s very faint praise. SYTYCD, let me introduce you to Jerome Robbins, Gower Champion, Robert Alton, Agnes De Mille, Jack Cole, and we could go on. I mean, it’s so predictable, so cliché at this point to see Fosse, Fosse, Fosse all over that stage. As for the dance, I wanted more from these two. Neither of them seemed to have a clue what Sweet Charity is actually about, which is a fault again of the choreographer, and since they didn’t get the show, they couldn’t give the character work that they needed to make the number sing. And they both needed to dance so much bigger. Broadway is all about over-exaggeration and playing to the back of the house and these two would’ve barely made it to the orchestra rows. It was cute, and as I’ve said so many times before, Fosse should never be cute. But I enjoy these two in general, and Fat Face, despite her unfortunate return to the unitard this week, has grown on me tremendously. I think they should both hit B3 this week, but neither should be in any danger of going home.

You Could Yell All Day But You Don’t Come Close

Caitlin and Jason/Pop Jazz (Creator) – That was a great routine with a killer song. Unfortunately, these two just do not work at all as a couple. Taken individually, each one of them danced this piece well. They both have solid technique. Caitlin gave good lines. Jason was super clean and displayed some real power and lift in his jumps and had lovely lines himself. The choreography had a lot of intricate hand motions, for Caitlin especially, which they both mastered pretty well. But I felt no connection between them. Caitlin as a menacing alien on the make? Yeah, she was about as menacing as a basket of kittens. Jason scared for his life and finally impregnated? Umm, he looked like he needed some Gas-X, noodles. They might have thought they were committing, but to what? Certainly not to each other. Both of them played to the audience way more than to their partner. I’m tired of these two. Jason never sat well with me and while I still think Caitlin sparkles on her own (her intro dance was a joy), she just hasn’t gelled on this show. I wish she’d had a different partner, but she didn’t, and they’ve turned in a couple of lackluster performances in a row, so it’s time for them to go home now.

On a Permanent Vacation

I can’t see how Caitlin and Jason avoid B3 this week. They should be joined by Evan and Randi and Phillip and Jeanine, not because the latter were bad, but they just weren’t up to the standard of the other couples who were excellent at shit that they should have been excellent in. Ahem. Darlings, the show is trying so hard to ensure that Vitolio and Karla leave tonight, that I’ll be quite pleased if anyone but those two goes home. I’m gonna go ahead and put it on Caitlin and Jason, and I think it’s earned for the extreme lack of sparkage. I still feel dirty from the foulness of this whole sorry affair, noodles. Thanks goodness we have the original EEEeeeeeeee! Ms. Kelly Clarkson to look forward to as a palate cleanser.