Noodles, did you think I had forsaken you? Not by the hair on Mary’s chinny chin chin! I’ve been up and down and over and out, but I know one thing. Nothing will keep me from commenting on this show. Except for any further trips to Seattle. Seriously, Seattle people, what the fuck? Let me holla at y’all. Pacific Northwest, you are on notice. I know that there have to be some people up there that can dance better than the fools who came out to audition for our lovely show. What happened? It couldn’t have been the rain. I’m letting you off this time with just a warning, but seriously. Only 3 tickets to Vegas on day one? Really?
Anyway, kittens, aside from my trusty notes, practically everything from last week has been washed away in a tide of pop culture pablum, so I’m just gonna keep this short and sweet. Much like our SYTYCD early audition rounds which is yet another reason why I frequently love this show. Let’s keep it moving.
Miami Day One
It’s a blur, darlings. Silky or smooth or Silky Smooth. Whatever that little tap dancing boy’s name was, yes, we liked him. The tappers are bringing it this season. There were the salseros, no? The couple who tried out last season? And they were on point as well. I think I might have been still adjusting to Tasty Oreo during the day one auditions in Miami quite honestly. Tasty pulled on his bitch pants, didn’t he? What was up his butt? I mean, he wasn’t even in Seattle where the real crimes against dance were committed. I could not take it. I mean, this is the same man who believes that Cabaret is the only Broadway show ever produced and therefore Fosse’s the hell out of every single Broadway choreo he’s ever done on this show right? Including straight up ripping off that Danny/Lacey/Hunchback/Sabra F4 group number? I mean, that’s still him, right? I thought so, kittens. He hasn’t even earned those cranky pants. Tasty needs a moment to get the hell over himself.
Moving on.
Miami Day Two
Paris Torres – Is too tore up to be a pageant queen. Oh, no, Miss Thing! And she turned out to be a hair flipping, competition style dancer. And her tutu was seven ways busted. And the broke down ballerina could barely get around a simple double pirouette. There was no technique there, kiddies. She thinks throwing her leg up in the air is dancing. Way too much reliance on her extensions. Tasty was the only one who brought sense to these proceedings, but Nigel wants to do her so of course he and Shout-y McScreamerson put her through. Cool version of Toxic, though.
Of the folks in the good dancer parade, I want to see more of Henry Rivero. Yes, please. I also think Alex Wong may have a little something, something going on. He’s a little to timid and I’d like to see him let go more, but he has potential. Megan Kinney looks like a Kherington 2.0 and I cannot wait to be rid of her.
Geo Smith – Darlings, I know I am sometimes hard on my white brethren, but here’s where all y’all pale people get your own back. Black people, gather round. We really, really need to talk. Ready? Good. Slapping on a feathered mask and a loin cloth does not transform flapping around on the stage into African dancing, mkay? Geo was very pretty and sure you could tell underneath all the layers of ridiculousness that he had a great dancer’s body with some strength and power and what looked like a hint of actual technique. But what he threw up on that stage was foul, kittens. Real African dance is tremendously difficult and consists of way more than just flapping your arms and doing a few deep plies and rib cage isolations while spinning around like a whirling dervish. When he got to choreography, he could clearly dance, but honestly, I wouldn’t have even put him through after that buffoonery. And I can’t even get into the Nigel/cunnilingus innuendo. Black people, in the age of Obama, we are better than all this coon nonsense. And show, you are on notice. There are better representations of African dance out there and so far we’ve had this feathered fool and a 100 year old man last year who was probably quite good once upon a time when he worked with Ms. Debbie Allen (Diva!) on Amistad, but now not so much.
Talia Ricards(?) – The last thing I want to see on this show is a female Frikkin’ Gokey. Talia was cute as a button, but I don’t care about her dead husband or her pain and sorrow or how dancing has made her heart go on and on. She’s a cheerleader/dance team girl who can obviously really move but has clearly not had enough training and lacks technique. Cute as a button, but does anyone really think she’s going to make it out of Vegas? Anyone? And if she did, through some miracle, make it on the show, wouldn’t she be an even bigger train wreck than Maria Ines Del Carmen of the Wrestling Boots from last season and be exposed as a no dancing charlatan within the first one or two episodes by some sleazeball rapist like Alex DaSilva? Alright, then. Why don’t we just let this one go, shall we?
32 through from Miami? Damn. I wasn’t that impressed.
Memphis Day One
Memphis was automatically my favorite audition city once I saw Lil C at the judge’s table. Say what you will about his somewhat contentious relationship with English grammar, noodles, the man knows dance and he is one of the best judges on the show at giving honest yet constructive critiques designed to help the dancers grow regardless of their current skill level. Lil C and Shankdaddy forever! So Memphis? Made of win. It was such a great city that it even got Cat to do some admirable booty dancing.
Marico Flake(?) – Police Officer. And he’s cute as a button. Awww. Darlings, we love Mariko, no? Although I will admit that when I heard the term Memphis Jikkin’, my first thought was, “He just made that up.” So imagine my surprise, kiddies, when this kid looked so, so good. Wow. How did he move like that? I thought he was amazing. I am loving this kid. Gimme some more of that Memphis Jikkin’, noodles. I was surprised that they put him straight through to Vegas, but perhaps the show is finally ready to acknowledge that hip hop dancer does not necessarily equal untrained dancer. Oh, hello Joshua and your years of dance training including a stint with the Debbie Allen Dance Academy. And yes, I’m still bitter that the show just lied and pushed that untrained dancer meme all the way to the end. But I digress. Marico is fabulous and I sure hope that he can do other things as well as he can do Memphis Jikkin’.
I don’t recap joke dancers. So Red headband man, Christopher Caroza, bad dance montage participants, go away. You weren’t even funny bad. You were just bad bad. I refuse.
Caitlin Kinney – And the show got me again here, kittens, with the stealth great dancer disguised in the hair flipper’s package. And this one even more so because she was the sister of Megan “Hair flipping is my life!” Kinney. I did not have high hopes for Caitlin. I admit it. But I’ll be darned if SYTYCD didn’t humble me anew. This girl turned it out. She’s a beautiful dancer. Lovely lines. Great center. Those turns were beautiful. For only five years, this girl is phenomenal. Even with a gymnastics background, it just takes some raw talent to get that good in that short amount of time. I’ll be on the lookout for her in Vegas.
Memphis Day Two
Anna Dunn – She’s super cute and a really special dancer. This girl has ridiculous body control. I agreed with Nigel and Mary that the choreography was distracting and the head bobble was annoying, but I still would’ve put this kid straight through to Vegas, wouldn’t you darlings? She can obviously pick up a routine and she has great technique. Totally unnecessary. Also unnecessary? The dead, suicidal parent story. Do not try to play on my sympathy. Just shut up and dance. Either these kids can bring it or they can’t.
Travis Prokop – And now, darlings, I will completely contradict myself. I loved this kid’s dad way more than I loved him. I mean, let’s be honest, noodles. This kid belongs in the intermediate advanced level dance classes at your local studio. Clearly, they put him through because of his supportive, football coach father. I highly doubt he’ll get through Vegas, but I think this whole experience will help him grow tremendously as a dancer, so that’s good. And I might get to see his completely adorable dad again. Seriously, dad of the year, y’all.
Evan “Mini-Gene Kelly” Kasprzak – This kid is a star and he should’ve made the show last year. He’s magic and if possible, he is even better now. I plan to enjoy him a great deal in the top 20.
Ryan Kasprzak – If he’s 29, then I’m a day. He’s a fabulous choreographer and I would love it if they’d have him set a couple of pieces on the Top 20 kids this season, but he’s a little long in the tooth for my particular tastes. Solid dancer, not nearly as good as his brother, but I just don’t picture him on the show. He has a serious lack of attractiveness going on. Too shallow? Shallowness is my credo, after all.
Lauren and Lydia Guerra – As Gypsy taught us, you gotta have a gimmick. Blue sister was much better than peach sister. Neither one could turn worth a damn, which is just sad for them. And I hated the competition studio choreography, darlings, with a fierce intensity. I’m surprised that peach sister made it through to Vegas because I did not see this vaunted performance quality that the judges swore up and down that she was bringing. I suspect that neither one of them is strong enough to make the top 10 girls, although blue sister may surprise me.
Seattle
I’m sorry. I refuse. Kittens, I did enjoy this year’s Mark from Hawaii that Mia fell in love with. (Although it will be sad to watch her viciously turn on him as she did original flavor Mark last season should he make the show) And Mia’s other favorite weirdo, Chelsea was it? With the hair and the herky and the jerky. She was interesting. Quirky and unexpected. But honestly, I just don’t have the energy. Seattleans hurt my heart. And darlings you must know that I don’t deal with all the Sex shenanigans, except to note that his poor partner in the choreo round was turning it out! She was magnificent and if she didn’t make it to Vegas because she was paired with that ass, then there has been a severe miscarriage of justice. Other than that, I’ve not the energy. And that would’ve been true even if I’d got this recap up earlier than 15 minutes after the episode 4 had already started to air on the East Coast.
Vegas beckons, noodles! Maybe you’re already watching it now.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment