Here are some questions for the group to ponder: Why is the hip hop choreography so bad this season? Was Mary wearing a bedazzled bed sheet last night? Did Brandon’s dancing in that hip hop routine give anyone else really bad Chris Brown flashbacks? Was Caitlin and Jason’s Paso the worst one ever performed on this show, surpassing whatever it was that Twitch and Kherington thought they did last season? Why was Caitlin wearing the Princess Leia bikini? How difficult is it to dance in only one high heel shoe with your butt poked out at an odd angle? How did Mia get so skinny all of a sudden? Didn’t it look like Phillip shit his pants during that Broadway piece? Why would Tasty choreograph a leap over the couch as this show is SYTYCD not Jackass? Why does Kupono think that being a designer somehow entails putting lots of tacky chains and green Muppet fur on top of silk screened t-shirts? Who else would like Ade much, much better if he didn’t always wear that afro pick in his hair? Can we finally get rid of Jonathan because he is really awful? Can we also get rid of Asuka because her stank face and constant “look at me” drama are on my last nerve and no one should ever, ever wear a body stocking as an outer garment?
Kittens, these are the things I need to know. The finals continue to underwhelm for the third week running and now I’m getting a skoosh worried. I’ll never stop watching this show, but it’s looking mighty AI S4 Taylor Hicks-ian at the moment. Let’s breakdown last night’s performance show and pray to the reality TV gods for a rebound once we hit Top 10.
I must say, darlings, that Cat is looking so much better since she escaped the clutches of the wardrobe crack hos. It started out last week with her sassy white suit and last night that orange dress was fierce! I covet it. Of course, since the hos no longer have Cat to kick around, they’ve put all their effort into making the kids and the rest of the judges look an absolute fright. And speaking of judges, we love Toni Basil, no? I mean, obviously she makes no sense, just like your crazy Aunt Sally, and she’s a terrible judge, blathering on and on about emotions up, technique down and using that to justify praising Caitlin and Jason’s truly execrable Paso. But noodles, she is so, so serious. As a choreographer and true dance pioneer, much respect due. She was Paula before Paula was Paula, breaking out of the dance ghetto to grab mainstream pop culture by the throat and scream “Look at me and appreciate my fabulousness!” For that alone, she can babble on about whatever she wants for as long as she wants. But really, she’s a crap judge and she looks like she got dressed at a homeless shelter.
What about the kids, you ask? Well, what about them.
Hip Hop Hell
Hip hop continues to catch hell this season, kiddies. Maybe they should just take the rest of the season off?
Karla and Jonathan/Hip Hop (By My Side) – I love Dave Scott, darlings, but he rarely impresses on SYTYCD. Nonetheless, I had high hopes for last night’s routine because he got the only girl who’s worth a damn at hip hop when he pulled Karla. But oh my, did that choreography suck ass. Karla was amazing. She did what she could with that flavorless pabulum and tried to bring some swag to it. Jonathan was awful. The fact that he is yet another former gymnast explains so much about his inability to be an actual good dancer. Shades of hunchback, indeed, noodles. Seriously, hip hop is like 0 for everything this season. I was happy to see some of the harshest judging I’ve ever seen on this show because that horrid routine really deserved it. I’m right there with Nigel. If these two don’t hit B3 again tonight, I’ll be shocked. Although Nigel can suck on it with the whole hip hop = fear equation. The man should not be able to speak about hip hop ever again. Just no.
Janette and Brandon/Hip Hop (What a World) – I was hoping against hope that Dave could bring something better but oops, guess not. It wasn’t bad choreography, but it was extremely watered down hip hop. Luckily for him, Brandon and Janette killed it. They were amazing. I have no words for how far they are setting themselves apart from the rest of the pack this season. Mary got it exactly right when she said that they have served up a sizzling performance every single week. Haven’t missed a trick, and neither one has danced in their own style yet. They are as close to favorites as I’ve got this season. I can’t see them not making Top 10 and I believe they will be two of the final four unless they seriously slip up once their partnership is dissolved.
Ballroom Bounce
What goes up must come down, kittens. After two thoroughly lovely ballroom routines, we ended the night on perhaps the worst Paso of all time. When Jean Marc and Franz are good, they are very, very good, but when they are bad . . . well, you know.
Ade and Melissa/Rumba (Emotion) – I really do enjoy this couple, darlings. I realize that I never worry that they won’t be able to pull a dance off. When I see them step to the stage, I just sit back and prepare to enjoy some great dancing. And these two don’t disappoint. That’s fun, right? There were a couple of little bobbles here and there. Maybe Melissa could’ve had a little more hip action in those rumba walks. Maybe Ade’s leads could’ve been a little more down into the floor. But on the whole, they were smoking. There was a lot more rumba in that rumba than we’ve seen in the past on this show. It was technically fairly demanding and I felt they really rose to the occasion. And, kittens, can we just deal with the look? Melissa’s body is sick. I would kill babies to have that back. I was groovin’ on this performance. What was I not groovin’ on? The continued absence of Melanie in the Tony and Melanie equation, and thank heavens for Crazy Aunt Toni Basil giving a shout out to Ms. Lapatin. Where is Melanie? What, Tony doesn’t even need an assistant now? He’s just got it like that? Mmmph.
Kupono and Kayla/Viennese Waltz (Sweet Dreams of You) – Jean Marc and Franz served here. This routine was beautifully choreographed with lots of difficulty, a fair amount of closed hold and lovely lifts. And Kupono and Kayla certainly look well together. They are a nicely matched pair. And in this dance, darlings, they both had great lines. Nice rise and fall from these two in both the side by side dancing and in the closed hold. Kupono lost his frame a little bit dancing in hold, but overall they had a solid start as a duo. The beginning was quite spectacular. But like the judges, I’m concerned for them. Smooth ballroom routines have not traditionally been vote getters on this show and as a new couple, they have no built in fan base to prop them up. Also, I am coming to really dislike Kayla’s personality. She seems kind of plastic. Mary gave it her level best to drum up votes for them, but I don’t know how successful that’s going to be, kiddies. I would not be surprised to see them hit B3 again.
Caitlin and Jason/Paso (O, Fortuna) – Entertainment makers everywhere. Stop using this song. Thank you. Everything about this routine was just wrong, from the costuming to the music to the choreography to the poor execution. It was just really, really bad. Much worse than the judges made it out to be. I honestly wouldn’t have known that this routine was supposed to have been a Paso Doble if they hadn’t announced it up front. The choreography was flashy, but lacked actual ballroom content. The few times that they were asked to perform Paso steps, both Jason and Caitlin lacked power and intention. They both did a horrible job at holding their frame and the general lack of technique was distracting. And contrary to what Crazy Aunt Toni was spouting off about, the bad dancing did get in the way of the performance quality. I just don’t care for this couple, kittens. They should work together as they are both really solid dancers, but somehow they just don’t.
Grab Bag
We’ve got a jumble of jazz, contemporary and Broadway which was either forgettable or adorable depending on how you feel about the couples involved.
Vitolio and Asuka/Jazz (Heartbreaker) – Hit or miss Mandy was a miss here, no, noodles? I don’t know what thrash rocker jazz is, but I don’t like it. And the clip package was tailor made to make me hate Asuka even more than I already do. So much unnecessary drama. Vitolio deserves much better than bitchface in a body stocking. And I think the bitch just can’t dance that well, because they have had ridiculously easy routines thrown at them for three weeks running and Vitolio's lines, leaps and spins are simply too high quality for me to think that it’s him keeping the pair down. He was lovely in this and she lacked amplitude in her jumps and fell behind in the choreography causing an appalling lack of synchronization in several spots. It was especially egregious in those tour jetes, kiddies. It wasn’t my favorite routine and Asuka didn’t dance it well, but I think they might be saved by Vitolio’s generally fine dancing and sweet nature.
Evan and Randi/Contemporary ( Koops Island Blues) – I quite enjoyed this Mia piece and don’t think it was nearly as simply choreographed as Nigel made it out to be. The exaggerated emphasis on the booty and some of the positions that Evan and Randi were required to get into called for a ton of body control and they pulled it off effortlessly. I mean, going from that contorted pose after he smacked her booty and into another position where her bent knee was wrapped around his neck in one motion? Not easy. And that shambling, shimmying walk with so much emphasis on the backside, which she did wearing only one high heel? Not easy. And the two of them are just as cute as they want to be together. Kittens, I found that number all kinds of perfect.
Jeanine and Phillip/Broadway (Moses) – Sweet mother, they are just trying to fuck with me now. Tyce Broadway again? Make it stop. And why did these two get the pimp slot? The dance was so not worthy. Well, at least Tasty does better with Broadway when he stays away from the Fosse. And this routine was about a million levels of cute. Once again, not that demanding from a technical standpoint, but fun and adorable. I felt a hundred times better about the dance, darlings, once I realized that Phillip had split his pants rather than wet himself at the fear of jumping over the couch. And how much did I adore Crazy Aunt Toni totally dissing Tasty? “It depends so much on the choreographer you get.” Ha. I love it! The judges’ preemptive warning did not sit well with me. Phillip gave it his all and I thought he did a more than creditable job with that routine. Now, he’s not versatile enough to be long for this show, but it almost sounded like they were trying to get him kicked off this week. Not cool and not warranted.
Bottom 3
By rights, it should be Karla/Jonathan, Caitlin/Jason and Asuka/Vitolio, but I believe Asuka/Vitolio will be saved by the sappy factor. In their stead, I anticipate a wholly undeserved visit to the B3 for Kupono and Kayla. There’s also a slim chance that Phillip and Jeanine could wind up here if Nigel sowed enough doubt in the audiences’ minds. The only folks who I think have no worries for tonight are Evan/Randi, Ade/Melissa and Janette/Brandon. Those three couples look like locks for Top 10 unless something really unexpected happens.
Homeward Bound
If it’s the B3 as it should be, I’d love to see Asuka and Jonathan go. However, since I don't anticipate getting that bottom 3 this week, I think Jonathan will go and probably take Karla down with him as I don’t imagine the judges will have the appetite to split up another couple so soon after ditching Maks. If Kupono lands Kayla in B3 again, though, all bets are off. We might see the Hawaii boy island bound, at which point I think they’d also boot Asuka as neither Jonathan nor Jason would be tall enough to partner Kayla well.
Twisty season, noodles. And yet somehow still incredibly boring.
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