Well done, Show. Kittens, I’m kind of shocked that the right two got sent home last night. I will give all credit to Shankdaddy and to the show’s general reluctance to split up couples this early in the season. And I’ll even give grudging credit to Unca Nigel for copping to basing his decision on who to cut on getting the right casting for the show and not just on pure dance ability. Having said that, the casting crap is why we got broke down ballerina instead of Natalie and why instead of the Brothers Kasprzak, we got Tony, so screw the casting and put on the best dancer next time, no? Anyway, the season’s first results show had its moments, noodles, but they were few and far between. Let’s review in case you suffer from short term memory loss.
Wake Up! Wake Up!
First group dance of the season and it was by Mr. Shane Sparks. Normally that would be a good thing, darlings. But the lack of hip hop specialists in this season’s Top 20 was never more apparent than at the top of our show, no? The guys were not half bad, with Vitolio most especially having a couple of moments where he was really breaking it down. But our ladies, oh kittens, our ladies! If that is the most they can bring then we are in for some pitiful hip hop outings this season. Caitlin making crazy eyes while Asuka tries to hide at the back of the formation does not a peppy routine make. And what the hell was that “light as a feather, stiff as a board” moment upstage when they put one of the poor boys under that stanky black sheet? Noodles, it was something of a hot mess, right? Maybe Shane was doing the best he could with what he had, but after two subpar NappyTab routines on performance night, it is looking really tight on hip hop right about this point in the season.
Extra Cheese Is Two Dollars
Cat loves her babies so much, kiddies. I really think it hurts her to put them in B3. And bravo to America for voting the right people down. Tony/Paris, Vitolio/Asuka and Jonathan/Karla really were on the low end of a very high quality show last night for different reasons (bad dancers/bad choreography/no sparkle in case you’re scoring at home) And even though Cat tried to build some suspense, was there ever any doubt amongst the various groupings about who was headed for the bottom? The closest they came was with Chbeeb’s group, but since they’ve done the shocking, "Everybody in this group is safe" thing before, it’s kind of not so shocking anymore. Funny how that works.
We Love Roll Call
Kittens, we were so happy that the show finally, finally got it right, no? See, people watch this show because they want to see dance and dancers. And they gave us dance and dancers. Progress. Of course, they took it all back a scant few minutes later with the travesty that was that Sean Kingston performance. Ptui. Let us never speak of it again. On to more pleasant things, those tangueros turned it out. Miriam Larici and Leonardo Barrionuevo. One of the few good things to come out of the horrid mess that was Superstars of Dance, this pair and the bitch-tastic South African judge rocking the old school Jheri Curl. How can we get him to be a judge on this show? Because that . . . would be awesome.
Get a Broom and Sweep Out Front
Solo time, and aside from Vitolio, everyone stunk up the joint.
Paris – Broke down ballerina with no center. She was squishier in the middle than the Pillsbury Doughboy. Yuck. That was shit. I’m still scratching my head over how this girl ever made Top 20.
Tony – Is a really bad hip hopper, noodles. He’s trying to break it down old school pop and lock and he can’t lock. Fred “Rerun” Berry is turning over in his grave.
Asuka – Has the same problem all ballroom girls seem to have. Since she’s not a singles dancer, she thinks the only way she can get through the solos is to play up the sensuality and do a little burlesque for the judges. Yuck. It’s not her fault that she can’t dance with a partner, but seriously, kiddies, lots of ballroom boys have cracked this code. Benji was the master of the entertaining solo by a partner dancer. Dmitry had one of the most smoking solos of all times to Maghalena and still owns that song on this show to this day. And for all of Pasha’s quirkiness (Hello, dress form solo! You still freak me right the hell on out) he could bring it when he had to. The ladies would want to figure this out. I mean, kittens, they know they are going to be on the show, right? And eventually they will have to dance solo. Have some well choreographed pieces in your back pocket.
Vitolio – Was amazing and beautiful. So much power in those leaps. Finally. That was how you dance for your life, bitches. Nigel’s hate on for this kid is getting really, really old. He’s not competing for Miss Congeniality. He’s vying for America’s Favorite Dancer and he can dance. Nigel can kiss my grits, kiddies.
Karla – Eeeh. It was a lot of run, run, run, leap, HMV. I thought I was having bad S1 Melanie flashbacks. Darlings, we are not impressed.
Jonathan – He’s not very good. Really one of the worst ballroom technicians they’ve ever had. And I’m sorry, but you cannot throw a tumbling pass into your ballroom routine. I feel confident in saying that those two things do not go together. It takes more than sweat and a pretty face to win this show, and I just don’t think he’s packing much more in his carpet bag. I’ll pass on this one.
Thirty Cents Away from Having a Quarter
Bye bye, Tony and Paris! Kittens, The right two dancers went home which was so shocking that I’m already only 1 for 2 on my ousting predictions. And since I didn’t miss a trick until top 5 last season, I’m gonna go ahead and declare that this is a very good sign for this season. The kids are pretty evenly matched. While no clear front runners have emerged, there are a lot of very strong dancers and very little cannon fodder. Once we get rid of Jonathan an Karla, it’s going to be a very tight struggle to the finish.
All in all, a satisfactory first week.
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