SYTYCD S5 Finals Ep 1 Curtain Up

Cat is wearing a golden spiderweb layered over a doily and Mary’s chest has joined Paula’s Breast Liberation Front and she’s high off her ass. Let the games begin, Kittens. SYTYCD in the motherfuckin’ house!

The Top 20 come out for their individual dance ins and why are there so many of them? Good heavens, there are so, so many of them. Noodles, I can’t right now. Kupono and Evan were the only ones who made any impression on me and that’s just because they were so, so pretty. Oh, and Melissa, because she was on pointe. Nice.

We have miles to go before we sleep, darlings, so let’s get right to it.

Jeanine and Phillip/Hip Hop (Mad/Ne-Yo) – Chbeeb is paired with one of the girls I have no memory of. And they got NappyTab in their lyrical hip hop persona. Shit. Well, the choreography was your basic NappyTab overly literal interpretation of the song. Do I need to say that I hated it? But damn if these two didn’t tear it up. Phillip was amazing and Jeanine was really good. She had the sass and the snap and the booty. NappyTab have been living off of that Joshua/Katee piece and Bleeding Love but that good will was long ago used up. To say that the dance was trite would be kind. These two were pleasant enough in it, though.

Asuka and Vitolio/Broadway (Overture/Chicago) – First off, noodles, this is a genius couple. They have an amazing look and with his power and her delicacy, they’d seem to be a good match. Unfortunately, they got Tasty Oreo + Broadway which always, always = the suck. Damn. Why do they keep letting Tasty do Broadway? There has to be someone else. And of course the music is from Chicago. Of course. Someone please take away his Chicago cast album. I’m begging. The dance? They performed it well, I suppose, but they weren’t asked to do much. They were hamstrung by the bland choreography. I felt like I was at a holiday revue at my local YMCA. That will not get fingers dialing. I expect to see them in the B3, no?

Karla and Jonathan/Cha Cha (Poker Face/Lady GaGa) – Kittens, how quickly did you tire of Nigel’s lamentation about “under the radar” contestants? Who made the decision not to give these kids even an iota of screen time in the early audition rounds? OK, then. Quit your bitching. Anyway, I enjoyed these two. She’s adorable and he’s a fun, ballroom kid. And their rehearsal footage was tons of fun. Booty in face. Too cute. But Cha Cha to Poker Face? Really, Tony? Where was Melanie? You know she would have never let it go down like that. The choreography was fine, Karla had really good hip action. I wanted more hip action from Jonathan, although he did partner Karla really well. But the music, kiddies the music. I couldn’t really appreciate the dancing with the music pulling me out of the dance at every opportunity. On a side note, Drunk Mary is fun!

Randi and Evan/Lyrical (I Only Have Eyes for You/Jamie Callum) – I was salty at first, kiddies. They saddled my Mini-Gene with Tasty and the fat face unitard girl who I hated and had pegged as a hair flipper. So imagine my surprise when they laid down one of the best routines of the night. That was amaaaaazzzzing. Wow. See, this is what is so frustrating about Tasty. He can bring it when he wants to. Why doesn’t he do this all the time? Please, Show, please. For the love of all that is holy, stop letting Tasty do Broadway. He’s done so many lyrical pieces on the show that I’ve loved and he’s really talented in that genre. As for the dancing, these two both have amazing technique. And the control on both of them was a sight to behold. They turned it out. I predict great things for Mini-Gene. Most Likely to Succeed indeed!

Paris and Tony/Hip Hop (Let the Beat Rock/Black Eyed Peas) – Yay. Two of my least favorite contestants conveniently paired. Here’s a couple ready made for me to hate. And I don’t care at all about broke down ballerina’s sob story. How did these two wind up with hip hop? How did both hip hop specialists wind up with hip hop this week? Because there’s nothing funny about that at all. Nope. And when is Shane coming back? Save us from the NappyTab overload. Don’t they usually have at least one good routine, kittens? Because they were 0 for 2 tonight. This routine sucked ass and Adam loves the show too much to really lay into the worst costumes since they put Danny Tidwell in a Kangol hat. And you know, noodles, it really is sad that Tony is just not that good at hip hop considering it’s supposed to be his specialty. Paris was much better than he was and she was barely adequate. I was bored to tears by this routine. And during the judges’ critique, Tony lost the last little vestige of charm. Bitch really needs to learn how to take a note. Do not give Shankdaddy the stank face. Straight up, they needed to hit harder. They needed to come with it. Bored now.

Caitlyn and Jason/Bollywood (Jai Ho/Slumdog Millionaire) – Darlings, I really do love this girl. She sparkles. And Nakur is a cutie. I wanna hang out with him and eat samosas. That routine was tough and these two really pulled it off. They were in synch, for the most part. They attacked that super intricate music. And the entire routine was crazy fast and non-stop action and their energy level never flagged. The handstand was, in fact, fantastic. And the costumes were lovely. All in all, a great mid-pack performance that will be remembered and will get folks voting. Side note: What was Mary on? For real. Bitch was high a kite.

Janette and Brandon/Foxtrot (Come Fly with Me/Michael Buble) – I’m so excited that the show got Louis Van Amstel. He’s a vast improvement on Hunter Thompson and Toni Redpath. And darlings, Janette and Brandon are so cute together. Awww. This dance was dreamy. Pretty lifts. A decent amount of closed hold. And the kids really got the character of the dance. I loved that. They really did hold the frame well and had good coverage of the dance floor. The costumes are also much, much better this season. They’ve obviously fired the crack whores, or maybe they all went to rehab during the off season. Whatever the case may be, these two looked like a dream and moved like a dream. No one will ever reach Anya and Danny’s level in their Foxtrot, but this was quite good.

Ashley and Kupono/Jazz (Don’t Ever Change/Goldfrapp) – I frikkin’ love Wade Robson. Crash test dummies? Don’t ever change. Darlings, I found that piece to be genius. And I knew that I would love Kupono, but Ashley was a revelation. Both of them had soo much body control. That double turn into a dead stop in a deep plie en second. Just awesome. The isolations, then hand movements, the footwoork. They had great feet. I hope that didn’t alienate a large swath of the audience because those two were magic. I am loving them.

Ade and Melissa/Lyrical (Right Here Waiting/Richard Marx) – When Mandy Moore is on, she’s really on, kittens. That choreography was so good that it was able to overcome the overwhelming sappiness of Right Here Waiting. That was beautiful. Melissa is incredible. As the judges say, there really is no substitute for technique. They were so, so pretty, y’all. That lift where she went straight up in second and then flipped over his head? Wow. He was powerful and tender and she was melting and soft yet strong. That was lovely. They really need to lay off the Grandma Moses angle, though. Yes, 29 is old for a dancer, but once again, you let her on the show, right? Then let’s keep it moving.

Kayla and Max/Samba (Jum Goh Day/House of Gypsies) – Way to end the show, no? Louis again and I’m quite excited about that. I still love Kayla, legs for days, and Max is definitely a great partner. And was that an honest to goodness samba roll? Sexy. The routine was all kinds of smokin’ hot. Max is a strong partner, but like Nigel, I’m missing my requisite quotient of Russian hotness. He’s no Pasha is all I’m saying, noodles. That was fun, though.

Bottom Three

Paris and Tony should be here as they were by far the worst couple of the night, but I get the sense he’s got the teeny bopper vote. I’m thinking Asuka and Vitolio will wind up here thanks to that hot mess of a routine by Tasty. The third spot is tough because most of the kids were really good. I can see Phillip and Jeanine landing here because they went first, were good but not great, and honestly, darlings, I’d forgotten what they danced by the time the recap rolled around. I could see Kupono and Ashley filling out the third B3 slot, though that would be a real crime, because the wade piece was a little abstract. It reminded me of that Mia Let The Drummer Kick piece. Except with good dancers that I like rather than the Hunchback and Mischa Chan. My personal choice would be Karla and Jonathan who were competent but lacked a little spark. It might even be Janette and Brandon if the Foxtrot fails to inspire as it has done in the past.

Going Home

Even if Tony and Paris hit B3, I don’t think the judges will be ready to let Tony go just yet. They love a project. Therefore, I’m steeling myself to lose Vitolio in the annual “Ricky, We Hardly Knew Ye” slot. As for the girls, I believe broke down ballerina will leave the stage tomorrow and not a moment too soon.

Group Dance, group dance, group dance. Oh, let it be B Free!