Say goodbye to the audition rounds. Time for the top 20, Kittens! Like Mia, I’ve got my bitch boots on and I’m ready to start kickin’ some ass (starting with hers). Darlings, the cutter came this close to being the cut-ee, no? Mia had better be glad that Mary went off on her little tirade when she did because Ms. Debbie Allen was really about to get all up in that ass and show her how a true dance diva does it. The judges' panel was out of control during Vegas week, what with Adam being a giggly mess one minute and a crying heap of hormones the next, Debbie going all disappointed school counselor on the kids at every opportunity, Nigel being the horny math teacher trying to get in all the pretty blond girls’ pants and Mia being the Heather-y Queen Bitch running things with her acolyte, Lil C. So in honor of the judges’ trip in the way back machine, let’s take a look at the SYTYCD Class of 2009:
Most Popular
Phillip Chbeeb – This kid is coming into the competition with a ridiculous fan base after being prominently featured the last three seasons, including showing up on last year’s finale to school that quitter, Robert Muraine. And on top of that, he was a ball of adorable walking the longest yard to find out his fate. “All of my ability was born and raised in my bedroom.” Too cute. I’m predicting definite top 10 for this one, maybe even top 5 if he can stop popping during ballroom routines.
Most Beautiful/Handsome
Kupono Aweau – What is in the water in Hawaii? Last year, we had Mark and this year, Kupono is killing it. Noodles, I didn’t even recognize this one with the shorter hair. He is seriously bringing the hotness. And I loved his audition, quirky and interesting movement and he looks like he has a pretty wide dance vocabulary. And his “to do” list may have rivaled Chbeeb for sheer adorableness. With the right partner, he could be another dark horse from the Aloha State.
Caitlin Kinney – I’m rooting for this one and you know I normally don’t go for the blond cheerleader types. There’s just something sweet and earnest about her. And although she’s definitely not a polished pro yet, she shows real promise. Good technique. Lovely feet (I’m all about the feet). And unlike a lot of gymnast converts, she’s not all about the tricks and extensions. I don’t know that she has the necessary toughness for this competition after she spent all of Vegas week weeping more than Shankdaddy, but she certainly is lovely to watch.
Class Clown
Tony Bellisimo – I hope this kid doesn’t turn into another Dominic. I want to like him, but he really hasn’t shown me much in the way of dance, even in his own style. That briefcase number did not impress. And while I got the emotion of what he did with that Mia piece, there was some decidedly fugly dancing going on. Half pointed toes and arms that never quite reached the correct placement. There may have even been shades of hunchback. And while he was sweet and playful during his first interactions with Cat, that interview after he made it through to the top 20 gave of whiffs of major attitude. We are not amused, kittens. He’s shown that he can be a jokester. But this is a dance show, not clown school. He needs to start bringing it right about now.
Class Flirt
Paris Torres – I cannot believe that this broke down ballerina has made our top 20. I guess pouty is the new good. Other than her ability to flail sexily, I just don’t see what she is bringing. She is really going to have to go some to change my mind about her because right now, all I see is a brown haired Kherington – and trust that is not at all a good thing.
Nicest
Vitolio Jeune – Why have we not seen more of this kid, darlings? He is magic. He managed to make the sobbiest of stories not sobby at all. I mean, Hatian orphanage? Left at 15? Hardscrabble life? And yet, he came off as so good natured and fun and light. I am loving this dude. And from the tiny snippets we got of his actual dancing, I’m gonna say I approve. I am looking forward to seeing what he can do.
Sexiest
Max Kapitanikov – Thank god for shirtless Russians. I still say this kid’s no Dmitry or Pasha, but I will take what I can get. He seems to be a solid partner and dealt really well with the other styles that were thrown at him. We’ll see if he’s more Artem or more Stanislav.
Asuka Kondo – I really liked this girl. Last year. This year, I’m not so sure. I’ve been underwhelmed with her as a dancer and she has been throwing some seriously stank attitude around. I think Miss Thing is feeling herself just a little too much. It’s going to take a great, likeable partner to ground her and give her the likeability factor. She needs to give me more than just smolder. I’d love to see her do a good Mia piece or maybe something quirky like the Secret Garden piece Sonya set on Mark and Courtney last year. Something where being cute and sexy are not enough and she’ll really have to dig below the surface and bring something real. Jury’s out on this one, darlings. But she’s got a smokin’ hot body and many, many people have an Asian fetish, so she’ll likely go far.
Teacher’s Pet
Randi Evans – Mia seemed to love this girl but all I saw was a hair flinging, unitard wearing, competition dancer with a chubby face. Maybe she’ll surprise me, but for now, I remain unimpressed.
Jason Glover – Shankdaddy labeled him “so So You Think You Can Dance” but since I don’t think we’ve seen more than a minute of him during the entire audition rounds, I only have his word to go on. I must say, kiddies, that I’m more inclined to take his word than to take Mia’s so I’m cautiously optimistic about this one.
Quietest
It wasn’t just me, right? There was a festival of “Who the fuck are you?” up on that top 20 stage, no? I mean, seriously, I don’t know who any of these people are. They may be great. They may be tragic. One of them has auditioned four times and I still don’t know which one she is. I’m expecting a ton of cannon fodder out of this crop.
Ade Obayomi – Nice ‘fro. He can jump really high? Yeah, I got nothing.
Jonathan Platero – I don’t even know what style of dance he does. For as much as we saw him, he could’ve been a production assistant.
Karla Garcia – Who?
Jeanine Mason – What?
Ashley Valerio – Why?
Yeah, kittens, it’s tight on this entire group.
Most Talented
Brandon Bryant – I refuse with the Mia ridiculousness. She tried to give him the Danny treatment and I sincerely hope that it doesn’t work. This kid is crazy talented. That said, he has a lot of room to grow. Right now, he’s all power and speed and attack. I would like to see more nuance, more subtlety, more shades and gradations in his dancing. I wish someone would have told him that rather than trying to tear him down because he smiles too much. Actual critique of dancing. Perhaps some of these judges should brush up on that.
Kayla Radomski – I have loved this girl since she completely blew my pre-conceptions of her as a hair flipping, convention 101 nightmare. And her grandpa is still the cutest thing ever. She can bring it. There seem to be a ton of young, blond-ish contemporary dancers, but this girl is the only one I remember. Gorgeous feet and legs. Great center. Really solid technique. I’m looking forward to enjoying her for a while.
Melissa Sandvig – I’ve been waiting for years to have a good ballerina on the show, wading through Jessica and Aleks and Rayven and a cast of other sad sacks. Naughty ballerina seems like a comer. She has technique and enough personality to have popped with only a couple of stray minutes of screen time here and there. I’m excited to see what she can do.
Alex Wong (in absentia) – I’m heartbroken. Heartbroken, kittens. I want my shiny Alex toy. This man is unfathomably gorgeous. He had Danny Tidwell moments, darlings. And now, thanks to the ruthless Mr. Villella and his Miami City Ballet, I am robbed of several weeks of Alex on my screen. Damn you, Mr. Villella. Damn you to hell.
Most Likely to Succeed
Janette Manrara – The stars are aligned for this firecracker. She’s sassy; she’s beautiful; and she can dance her ass off. And if, like me, you troll the interwebs looking for film of these kids, then you know, as I do darlings, that this girl is serious. She’s much more than just a salsa specialist. If Nigel pushes hard this year for a girl winner (which I expect him to do) then this girl rises to the top of my list to take it all. She seems like she has the whole package.
Evan Kasprzak – If it’s a guy that takes the prize this season, then my money is on adorable Mini-Gene. He’s got the media friendly back story. He’s got the fun loving personality. He’s cute as a button. He's a new style, not ballroom (Benji) or contemporary (Nick) or hip hop (Joshua), so he'd still be a thriling and different kind of winner. And he can dance. I see him having a Benji arc and just rolling through the season with the right partner.
Most Likely to Come Back as a Teacher
Ryan Kasprzak – I know he’s not in the top 20, and even though I'm a little bit misty about that, I think it’s the right decision, kittens. He looks every inch of his 29 years, not that there’s anything wrong with that. It’s just not right for this show. But I would give a lot to see him replace Tasty Oreo as the main SYTYCD Broadway choreographer. I’m guessing he won’t choreograph this season because, hello, conflict of interest! But I hope S6 brings us the fabulous dance stylings of Ryan Kasprzak in both group routines and partner dances. A nation of Faux!Fosse weary viewers would thank you, Simon Fuller. Think on it.
School is now in session. Pencils ready. Let’s begin.
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