The fabulous Cat Deeley welcomes us back to NYC, only this time we’re in a new “burrah”. We’ll be kickin’ it Brooklyn style and Cat has paid homage to the BK by . . . swaddling herself in an enormous scarf? I don’t know. Kittens, it’s Cat Deeley. We’re lucky she’s not wearing a dress made out of silverfoil held together with some duct tape. Cat blares through her megaphone and we’re off to S5.
Noodles, this show is made of unicorns and rainbows. There were some annoying parts and let’s just deal with those right now, shall we? Nigel is still a perv and a homophobe, but we knew this already. Mary was dressed like a cowgirl and somehow managed to find a wig with dry hair, fly aways, and a bad dye job in order to look more natural, maybe? And the scream was back, but thank all the gods, no hot tamale train. Yet. NappyTab are still mostly pointlessly annoying and I’m sure we’ll be able to count on them to churn out some good choreography every third time they are on this season. And Bow Wow Wow, although still cute as a button and a heck of a choreographer, was the worst judge in history and sadly, now we all know what she sounds like in bed which is more than I ever needed to know about her, kiddies. And Mischa Chan as choreographer for the lucky losers round? And she gets a whole interview segment? Hell to the naw. I want my Travis Wall.
And scene. The rest of the show was phenomenal. Plenty more audition rounds for me to tire of the bad, delusional dancers and hair flippers, but not now. There’s so much that’s right about this show. Let’s just start with the fact that you have to be really, really good to even make it to Vegas. If Idol made all the marginal singers go to a lucky loser’s round where they were forced to learn and perform a new song in order to get passed on, there’d only be about 15 people during Hollywood Week. They wouldn’t even need a seven million week long semi-finals round. Or how about the fact that the judges actually know what they're talking about? Yes, even NappyTab. They are able to give relevant critiques of the dancers’ performances that go beyond, “That was a hot one, dawg.” Or try the fact that the contestants consistently bring it like it should be broughten. And noodles, we have yet to mention the awesomeness of Cat Deeley. So for the foreseeable future, just expect a lot of gushing and appreciating. Weird, right? I know.
Brooklyn Go Hard
Gabi Rojas – Noodles, we all know how I feel about sob stories, no? And yet, I found that I had no resistance to this girl. She may be my sob story kryptonite. She’s as cute as a button and she grew up in the circus. That’s not hyperbole . . . in the circus, the place where all kids dream of running away to. Oh also, she was amazing. Grounded and totally connected to her performance. She has a beautiful, strong center. And such interesting movement. She was utterly captivating. Darlings, tell me that Mary scream was not totally earned. I’m keeping my eye on this one.
Storyboard-P and Hobgoblin – I respect contortionists. I’m sure their craft is very difficult and takes a long time to master. Sadly, it’s not dancing. And, as the great Nina Garcia would say, it’s not aesthetically pleasing. Can I say that it was not great shocker when these two bowed out of the choreography round? Maybe Gabi can give them the number to her mom’s circus? I bet they would kill. Also, here’s a note for black people everywhere. Please get off of Obama’s jock. You’re glad he won. I’m glad he won. He’s a swell kid. You can’t just say the word “change” and suddenly become a transformative figure on the national stage. Michelle and the girls thank you.
Ron and Crazy Kate – Fat, old people do not get on this show. This will be proven over and over again throughout the night.
Peter Sabasino – Love this kid. Love his big old Italian family sitting around the dining room table doing impressions of Nigel and Mary. And he can straight up dance. I am not mad at him at all. I only hope that they judges don’t come to regret taking his word for the fact that he can do all of those different styles of dance that he rattled off, because this show hasn’t had a tapper since S1 maybe and it’s about damn time.
Noodles, we have reached the point in the recap where I have to provide a warning. If you are offended by non-PC language and a general irreverent take on societal sacred cows, then you may want to keep it moving. Because right now we have to deal with Tiffany Geigel and I have some things to say. Forewarned is forearmed.
Tiffany Geigel– Is not a dancer and somebody should have told her so a long time ago. She can like to dance. It can be her pastime passion. She can take as many classes as she likes at the local studio. But this is a show about finding great professional dancers. It’s not a show to validate her personal journey or celebrate her bravery or guilt us into feeling inspired by some no neck midget woman. Where are her people? Who was there that loves her and should’ve been the voice of reason crying out, “No, baby. Do not put your psychic trauma out there in the street like that.” And I can’t even be mad at the producers for using this footage, because wouldn’t you if you had it? And the judges did the thing that I love so much about this show that AI never does (cf. White Stevie Wonder). They judged this girl on her merits. They didn’t lower the bar because of the adversity she’s faced. They honored her by treating her like what she is really not but aspires to be, a dancer. My dearly beloved mom said it best upon viewing the spectacle that was Tiffany Geigel, “She looks like a little spider whirling around up there.” Which is exactly what her mom should’ve told her many moons ago. Sigh. Reality TV ruining America right before our eyes, kiddies. The world is not obligated to celebrate your truth. I’m just trying to see some good dancing.
Maksim Kapitannikov – Well, he was partnered by Faina, a prime purveyor of the stank face, so that was immediate points off. And he looked to be about 45. And he was breaking the Russian Ballroom dancers hotness curve. I want Pasha and Dmitri, not this creature from the gulag. But he was not a horrible dancer. I wasn’t dazzled by him in the choreography round, though, and I fully expect him to flame out in Vegas. Feh.
We then got a montage of good people of which I would love to see the smooth ballroom couple who got put straight through to Vegas and the girl in the green shirt again real soon. All else was kind of a blur.
Nobuya Nagahana – Asian people and hip hop. Two things that you might not imagine go well together, but anyone who’s ever watched ABDC knows that not to be the case. I knew from the moment the camera landed on this fool that he was going to be ridiculous. (We miss you, Dan!) And he was. Old school, Rerun style locking, and he was tearing it up. I was skeptical that he could bring it in the choreo round, but he appears to have done enough to get to Vegas. I’m digging this kid, so I’m looking forward to seeing him do a little ballroom in Sin City.
Arielle Taylor – She’s another cutie and I thought we might really have something but then . . . oh, kittens, but then. Hair flinging and falling out of simple double turns and no center to speak of. Clumsy feet and arms that always wound up just this shy of full extension. I really hate competition dance studios because they take young girls like this who clearly have talent and give them just enough technique to pull off tricks that are too difficult but look spectacular from far away. In the end, you wind up with this girl. Pretty and not a bad dancer, but there’s nothing special about her. Nothing you couldn’t see at any mid-size competition studio anywhere around the country. Maybe she can surprise me, but I highly doubt it. Cute as a button, though.
Thomas Martin and Amanda Clark – I’ma let Mary handle this one. “Novice, beginning bronze level” dancing. Thank you, Mary. Well said.
Igor Zabrodin and Nina Estrina – Nina’s body is sick and Igor is yummy. That’s what I’m talking about, Russian people. And of course, they were fantastic, kittens. They’ve been pimping them in commercials and on every bumper to the break. That said, they were better than fantastic. Sexy, sexy. I would quibble with sending them to do choreography, but since Igor made it through while Nina did not, I’ll hold off.
Kellen Stancil – He’s a gorgeous dancer and I love him. But the umbrella really chapped my ass. Noodles, he didn’t even need it. He has great technique and futzing around with that damn umbrella probably caused the little bobble on one of his very first turns. He would’ve been better off without it. His aunt was probably looking down from heaven shaking her damn head at all the drama. And on the real, kiddies, doesn’t this kid give off waves of drama? With the crying and then the elation after he got through to Vegas. You feel big and tall, do you? I anticipate a diva meltdown in his very near future.
Chimezie Nwosu – Reppin’ for West Orange, NJ. He is adorable. NappyTab had their only relevant critique of the night when they noted how rare it is for hip hop dancers to really utilize the entire stage and how nice it was that he’d done that. He was good. Creative and fun and really just someone that you didn’t want to take your eyes off. And he looked like he made it through choreo pretty much unscathed. We’ll have to see whether he’s a Twitch or a Cedric.
And New York ended in the best possible way with Cat Deeley inviting some lanky dancer to sweat all over her Gucci, Prada and Fendi because that’s what dry cleaners are for. Y’all, I love Cat so, so much. Simon Fuller is lucky in his hosts. Cat and Ryan together could rule the world.
Swingtime in the Rockies
Denver. My old nemesis. I did not have high hopes upon seeing clips of our first contestant. I feared the Arielle style hair flinging. But I was so wrong, noodles. Sometimes people surprise you.
Kayla Radomski – I thought this girl was definitely a hair flinger and I was all prepared to hate. I was decided that I would refuse to be sucked in despite her unbelievably adorable grandpoppa. But oh my stars, kittens. She is so, so serious. Her legs? Heavenly. And the feet. Pointed all the way through the pinky toe. I love good feet on a dancer. She’s like last season’s Kourtni but good. Another one that I will have my eye on.
Mischa and Mitch – So, I have to say that I loved, loved, loved Mitch and Misha and I thought that, until they fell, they were both pretty ferocious. I also just in general hate that Nigel is so homophobic. You are a former dancer and the head judge on a dance show and yet somehow, not comfortable with the gays? That is unpossible. Now, I don't think either of those guys should've gone through to Hollywood because they didn't do all that well in the choreography round. And I wouldn't have had a problem with Nigel critiquing them if his criticism had anything to do with their actual dancing (like Mary's did, for example). Instead, he just kept talking about how he liked masculine dancers, and wanted men to be men and women to be women. And when he told them to go dance with some girls in the choreography round and maybe they might like it? Umm, I don't think so. First of all, one of those dudes said that he was straight, so what was he talking about? And as for the gay guy, ewww. So maybe if Nigel dances with some dudes, he'll catch the gay disease? That's just some nasty ridiculousness right there. I was not amused.
Allison Moist – With a last name like that, it’s no wonder this girl is working with a lot. And she led into a bad dancer montage which culminated in Nigel doing his best Danny Gokey crotch dancing which is just not of the lord and now I don’t know if I can ever forgive her. On the whole, the show was much better about limiting number of bad/delusional contestants, and for that we are all grateful, no?
Elias and Enoch Holloway – I apologize, white people of America, for my presumption that these white boys could not work it out. I assumed. And I should never do that. But seriously, these boys were mighty white. And the youngest of 14? They screamed out Branch Davidian. But I’ll be damned if they didn’t rock the party. Color me impressed. I hope Elias takes the judges advice, trains in other styles of dance, comes back next year and destroys the competition. And the next, next year, Enoch can follow in his footsteps. They will be like the Bizarro World version of Travis and Danny. Wouldn’t that be fun, kittens?
Darlings, I don’t even have any words for the last two contestants of the night. Brandon Bryant and Natalie Reid are practically perfect in every way. The fact that Brandon didn’t make it last year because Nigel and Co. just had to have Big Pasty remains a travesty to this very day. And while I came to enjoy Katee despite the egregious double “e”, Natalie was better than her last year and this year as well. Both of them were transcendent and clearly have enough talent to make Top 20 and maybe even Top 10, although that will depend a lot on who they wind up partnered with. Imagine if they were partnered with each other, kiddies. Sublime!
And that’s how you make a thoroughly satisfying two hours of television. That’ll do, first episode of Season 5. That’ll do.
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