American Idol S10 Finals Ep1 Triskaidekaphobia

So clearly the hos and trannys decided to celebrate the start of the S10 Finals by going back on the pipe, no? JLo. Ay, mami. The lipstick? That shade of red? Perhaps a tad too bright? And Ryan? The suit? A little too short, tight, shiny? After all, we’re not Frau Klum-Seal, are we? Let’s think about that. And Steven Tyler? No sheer, see through anything. No. Noodles, in that blouse and those drugstore bifocals, I wouldn’t put it past Steven Tyler to be going through menopause and really have a need for that fan. Lauren A. still looks like 100 year old trailer trash and all the rest of the girls wore their prom dresses. Fashion carnage up on that stage. But enough of that, because these little famewhores were here to sing for our amusement. And were we amused, kittens? Well, given the non-theme theme of “Sing a song by your own personal Idol”, it could have been worse. Let’s see who shone and who succumbed to a bad case of triskaidekaphobia.


Liked the Song Choice, Liked the Performance:

Casey Abrams/With a Little Help From My Friends/Joe Cocker – Hmmm, I’m not sure I believe Joe Cocker is one of Casey’s personal Idols, but The Wonder Years story was very cute. Darlings, this was kind of an expected choice for him. I was pretty sure that he could turn this out. And damn. This kid just has a sweet, sweet tone to his voice. And he got the first pimp choir of the season. (It was more special before we know there’d be another one along in a few minutes, no? But we take the little victories where we can, noodles) He did a really nice job with that song. Not too shouty over the top. A few notes off key here and there, but much more controlled than his last outing. And he’s just got it. The what-it-is-ness. He’s the business, this kid. He’s the business. A rainbow of talent and a plethora of passion. Oh, Steven Tyler. Never ever change. And, kiddies, was that RyRy getting a dig in on Jenny? Guess there’s only room for one diva on this block.

Pia Toscano/All By Myself/Celine Dion – Getting the Coca Cola stools of pimp-dom interview? Darlings, she must’ve really gotten up there in the votes last week. And this girl really wants to establish herself as a belter, no? This song is no joke. Girly really believes she can bring it. (Side note: Why did the tranny’s staple that sad piece of cream fabric to her back?) She sounded really good here. She’s no Celine. Let’s be honest. But she has a pleasing tone. The first “anymore” kind of got away from her, but that gets away from everyone who is not Celine. And she did much, much better with the last “anymore”. All around, that was a good showing on a song that has swallowed lesser AI contestants whole. I’m impressed. Two weeks in a row she brings really solid vocals. I want her to not sing a ballad now. Don’t you, kiddies? And Steven Tyler totally busted out the show’s dirty little secret that they are not doing the show live this year by giving her props on International Women’s Day. Ha! (I hate that development, btw. Hate. Hate. Haaaattteeee! I’m so glad it will be gone next week)

James Durbin/Maybe I’m Amazed/Paul McCartney – I love this song but I loathe this kid. Caught on the horns of a dilemma, noodles. Truism: Wallet chain = Douche. Learn it. Live it. Love it. Other than that, he sounded not terrible. I find I enjoy him more when I don’t have to look at him. And the scream worked when he unleashed it strategically. That was lovely. I must give credit where it’s due. He was even less squinty this week. Of course, he ruined it all with the ridiculous audience antics. He has not earned the right to any of that yet. Such a douche. But a really pretty voice. Family, he’s truly a worthy successor to the Gokey throne.

Scotty McCreery/The River/Garth Brooks – Now here’s what you call a great song choice! Oh, my word, do I love this song. And I thought he would destroy it. And y’all, he did an OK job with this song. Nonetheless, I thought he’d actually crush it more than he did. He definitely got into the performance more when the band dropped out, but his voice lacked a little support. He couldn’t really get up there and power it through. It was good but not great. And absent continued amounts of crazy producer manipulation of the weekly themes, this is going to be the last week he can kind of rest in his comfort zone like he’s been doing. He’s going to have to do something different, so Randy’s whole don’t change it rant is ridiculous. Also, kiddies? I don’t even know what Steven Tyler said right here. Not even gonna front. It must’ve been stupid because it got a “Yeah, yeah, yeah” from the Dawg.

Performance Fine, Song Choice Questionable:

Lauren Alaina/Any Man of Mine/Shania Twain – I can believe that Shania is her personal Idol because she is 1700 years old but this was not the best song choice for her. This girl has a great voice and Shania doesn’t and all Shania songs are built around the fact that she can’t really sing. Especially the upbeat ones. I mean, kittens, I get why Lauren A. wanted to do something fun and upbeat, but Man . . . I Feel Like a Woman would’ve been a better choice. JLo and Steven Tyler basically told her that it was a lazy performance. And it was so, so true. She should be thanking the Baby Jesus that she’s been so relentlessly pimped all these weeks because going first and doing a sleepy rendition of a not great song can get your ass sent home in the Most. Shocking. Elimination. Ever. before you even know it. And who couldn’t have guessed that the Dawg would drop names and bring up Mutt Lange, who is a dirty cheater and it was so awkward and he basically said what JLo and Steven Tyler said better than him a minute before and good lord, why is he still here and still talking? And Lauren needs to quit with the Peaches and the pouty, baby faces and little girl voice immediately. That shit is going to turn America right off. Not a great start to the show, kiddies. Given that, it’s kind of amazing it turned out as well as it did.

Haley Reinhart/Blue/LeAnn Rhimes – Huh. I Wouldn’t have pegged LeAnn Rhimes as her personal Idol. Would you, darlings? And would you really want to choose a song by a noted home wrecker as your first impression on the AI stage? And it’s such a stylized choice. And I don’t think anyone had this one pegged as country. Despite all that, Haley did a damn fine job with this song. Paradoxically, I feel like all the vocal tics built into this song really helped rein her in a little bit and made her less of a note killer. That was another absolutely gorgeous performance. Wow. I don’t think she’s ever sung that well. Randy’s full of shit, as per usual darlings. That wasn’t boring. It’s fine to just stand there and sing the hell out of a song provided you can deliver. And she delivered.

Stefano Langone/Lately/Stevie Wonder – Polow Da Don. Again, I say wow. Big producers. Big names. Love this song. I had $5.00 that this version would be more Jodeci than Stevie and I have never been so happy to be wrong. Polow Da Don gave him a genius arrangement of this song. He knew Stefano doesn’t have a round enough tone to carry this song off if he’d tried to sing it as a straight ballad. It was a great decision to bring the song up tempo because it helped to hide the fact that his voice is a little thin. He could just ride the dance groove and show off the fact that he was really on key. He avoided getting compared to Stevie or Jodeci who are obviously better singers than he is. He definitely justified his wildcard. I don’t think he has the voice to go all the way in this competition, darlings, but he certainly has enough to make the tour which would be a really good result for him.

Song Choice Questionable, Performance Also Questionable:

Jacob Lusk/I Believe I Can Fly/R. Kelly – So he got the Coca Cola pimp-terview treatment as well. It was cute until Ry Ry got uncomfy with the wet room. Sigh. Noodles, this song choice was so expected. Cue pimp chorus in 3, 2, 1. As soon as they revealed that he’d be singing this classic from Space Jam, I knew there was about to be a festival of oversinging and gospel hand throwing up on that stage. I’m so tired of this one. So, the verse was beautiful. The key change into the chorus was so, so off. It sounded like ass. It got better when he was able to play off the totally predictable pimp chorus and really get into those falsetto glory notes. And of course it ended with the gospel hand. Of course it did. Just no. There’s nothing current about this kid. Family, if this were the early 90’s and MJ were still making movies, then maybe he could become a star. But who do you hear on the radio right now who’s sing music like this? Even on Urban Contemporary radio? Exactly. And thank god for Randy for calling this fool out on falling completely off the melody when he attempted the key change into the chorus because that shit was foul and JLo and Steven Tyler acted like it didn’t even happen. Dammit. The show keeps making me agree with Randy. Kittens, you know how angry that makes me.

Naima Adedapo/Umbrella/Rhianna – I do not get this as a song choice for her and ain’t no way in hell I buy that Rhianna is her musical Idol. What producer is up Rhianna’s ass? For real. Did she just sign with Interscope or something? Is Randy getting’ it in? Because they have been on her jock this season and I just . . . I’m struggling with it. Autotune Idol? She was dancing around the notes but mostly on pitch at the beginning. And the reggae break was just weird. You know, kiddies, she was just trying to do a little too much with all the dance breaks. She doesn’t have the breath control for all that just yet. I appreciate what she was going for, but she has yet to establish herself as a good enough singer for all that. The crowd booed him, but Steven Tyler was right. She had terrible pitch problems once she got winded. And JLo might want to discount that, but this is still a singing competition. You have to sing well to win. She has an adorable personality and her interview with Ryan was super cute. (She can overstand y’all!) But this was not a pimp slot worthy performance.

Everything Just Ass:

Ashthon Jones/When You Tell Me that You Love Me/Diana Ross –This girl is still not Miss Ross. And with so many great Diana songs, this is the one they go with? This song? Alright then. Somebody must want her to go home. And she was off from note one. Note one. She got closer to the pitch as she went along but as soon as she went for the big, power notes, she got sharp once again. And where was the high note that was higher than she’d ever sung? Darlings, I can’t believe they dug Berry Gordy away from his Sisyphean quest to remain relevant for that. It was boring and I was bored and it was not all that well sung. The judgery did their level best to try to make the most of their booty wildcard choice. Alright, I’m over it. Kittens, I revoke the what-it-is-ness. JLo looked sooo disappointed. We are, too, JLo. We are too.

Paul McDonald/Come Pick Me Up/Ryan Adams – This was one of the few picks that made sense as an inspiration. Noodles, right off the bat you could tell this was in the wrong key for him, no? Way too low. He was really scraping along the bottom of his lower register which made the nasally quality to his voice unpleasant rather than quirky. And the herky jerky dancing and the smile just looked uncomfortable rather than endearing because it was clear that he knew he was fucking it up right royally. Steven Tyler nailed it, in his own inimitable way, by calling that fool out on not putting the song in the right key. That’s some basic, basic shit right there. And when he tried to bust on JLo for not knowing Ryan Adams? Bitch, please. I’m sorry JLo is not cool enough for your school. Eww. Kittens, he did not come off well right there. But who came along to save the day? Why only the best reality show host in the business bar none. I loved Ryan cracking on his spastic dance moves. A mood lightener was needed and he provided. Ryan’s so good at his job, y’all.

Thia Megia/Smile/Michael Jackson – I don’t believe that MJ is really her Idol. I smell the SiNi all over this pick. And darlings, it was a horrible pick for her. She’s been doing nothing but pageant girl songs and she really needs to stop. It’s creepy. This performance was so, so boring. I just do not get this girl at all. She’s such a cipher. Was there any excitement? Pizazz? Would anyone be motivated to pick up a phone for that? Where’s Simon with his cracks about lounge singers and cruise ships when you need him? And the judges just refuse to bring it to this girl like it should be broughten. Kittens, it was not good. And she’s so robotic. Family, is this girl on drugs? Is she just a little slow? What is it? Why is she so low energy? I hate her. No, you know what? I don’t even care enough about her to hate her. She can go home any time now.

Karen Rodriguez/I Could Fall In Love/Selena – I get and believe that Karen loves Selena, but wow, I thought this was a horrible song choice for her. Way too much opportunity to take it to the pageant place. On this night, though, pageant was not what laid this girl low. No, right out the box, she was off. She was the poster child for pitchy. She was searching for the right note and just not finding it at all. Is she sick? Because she was much, much better than this last week. The low notes were painful and she was just under the pitch in general. Crazy vibrato all over the place. And no. No power in the part of the song that needed power. And she had no breath support so it got all screechy. JLo took it to the patented Paula “You look so beautiful” place, so you knew shit was about to get real. And then she basically had to break it down for the wannabe Lati-diva and tell her she sang like ass. Off on the low notes and off on the high notes, too. So that’s just off then? Noodles, everybody knows she’s a heartbeat away from going home tomorrow, right?

That’s a Wrap

All in all, not a bad night. Based on what we saw on the live to tape broadcast, here’s how I expect things to shake out:

Totally Safe:

Lauren, Casey, Pia, James, Jacob, Scotty

Likely Safe, But Ryan Will Fuck With Them Tomorrow:

Haley, Stefano Naima

Should Be In More Trouble Than I Think They Will Be:

Paul, Thia,

Will Likely Be In Danger Of Going Home Tomorrow:

Karen, Ashthon

Will Go:

Ashthon

Glambert on results night tomorrow?  Kittens, I won't even care if my predictions are wrong. 

American Idol S10 Semifinals Ep 3 Take a Look at Me Now

Blood on the Idol floor, Noodles! This Semi-finals Results night was brutal. Cut after cut after cut from the nattily dressed Ryan with not even a Ford Pimpmercial or a group sing pointy pose to provide some much needed relief. And then a million forced sing for your life moments only broken up by JLo warbling over the theme music to Lambada: The Forbidden Dance. That was highly stressful! And yet not, no? I mean, darlings, were there any shocks from amongst those pairings about who got through and who didn’t? Haley was a mild surprise, but most of the rounds, it was clear from the moment Ryan called the kids out to center stage who was going through and who was going home. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. There’s a long way to go and a lot of filler to wade through before we get to your Top 13, so let’s start at the very beginning. A very good place to start.


Family, this show has gotten so, so pretty. In fact, the concentrated pretty in the Idoldome was perhaps not even legal when you take into account Ryan and JLo and Julie Z. and Ashthon and Stefano and Naima and just oh, my! There was a lot of pretty up on that stage. Pretty dressed in crackho craziness which became apparent as the kids and the judges came out and oh my gosh what was JLo wearing? Kittens, black capri leggings are always a bad choice unless you are in a production of Grease. And I don’t even know what to say about the bustier. It’s like she took the remnants of her green Grammy dress and wrapped them around her torso and said good enough.

(Note: I need to take a break from my fashion run down because did Lauren A. just make the fucking heart hands? Oh, no she di’in’t. Lauren A., do not make me have to put you down now that I’ve finally made my peace with liking you)

Back to fashion. Why did Steven Tyler steal one of JLo’s blouses to wear on the show tonight?

OK, now we’re done with fashion. But not done with Steven Tyler. Darlings, why did he refuse to pick a better set of performances? Dude, you are a judge. Why do you think the show is paying you? To pick shit! So give it up. This is the first time this season that I missed the hell out of Simon.

And now we entered out million miles of fluff. Kittens, did you all watch last night? I watched, too. So let’s not with the performance recaps. Suffice it to say that the boys clip package was cute. The girls clip package was tragic. And Brett is the burnt rainbow cookie with frosting on top of my soul. Awwww, I’m going to miss that little red apple, kiddies. It’s amazing how he tore down my wall of pre-hate. I’m actually kind of glad that he didn’t make it on the show where his slow burn breakdown would have forced me all the way back around to hating him again.

Cry and Cut

Family, getting down to the Top 10 was predictable yet brutal, no? There were tears. Some of them were even mine. And to make the rejects just keep sitting on the uncomfortable silver stools all night long? Diabolical. Let’s go round by round and say a fond farewell to the famewhores who we love so much right now but won’t remember in a couple of weeks.

Boys Top 5

Scotty v. Robbie in Round One

Was anyone worried that Scotty would not be in the Top 10? No? Alright then. That was a waste of five minutes. But that Scotty McCreery is such a well mannered young man. The big head muppet? Not so much.

Clint v. Jordan v. Jovany in Round 2

This one was a little bit harder, as I was surprised that any of these fools might go through. If I had to choose from this group, I’d have gone with Junbug, who was about to have a serious breakdown y’all. And Jordan did the one nice thing in his entire life by giving him a little hug. But nobody would’ve voted for any of them had they made it into the Top 10. Well done, America.

Tim vs. Casey vs. Jacob in Round Three

And the gentleman continued to be boring. Kiddies, as soon as this trio came up to bat with only Scotty sitting over on the stools of safety, it became obvious Tim was going home and the other two were going through. No suspense at all on that one.

Brett v. Paul in Round Four

At this point, I felt like it had been going on forever. Alas, kittens, Brett o’ my heart was going home. Stay gold, little cookie. Stay gold.

Stefano vs. James in Round Five

Hello, temporary loss of my mancandy. And in favor of Tourette’s. Bitches. One and all.

Girls Top 5

Pia v. Lauren A. in Round One

Huh. They tried to fake us out (poorly) but it was obvious they were both going through. The SiNi’s manipulations were showing here.

Ta-Tynisa vs. Julie Z. in Round Two

Huh. Let’s just replay the Clint/Jordan/Jovany round, shall we? And noodles, Julie clearly didn’t learn anything from last night because she said she’d sing Breakaway again if she had the chance and just add guitar. Stupid girl. Thank god, she’s pretty.

Kendra v. Ashthon v. Karen in Round Three

My money was on Karen here, but I couldn’t be sure. Kittens, I saw a lot of “old fashioneds” out there on the internets plus Kendra went in to the lion’s den against Xtina and came out alive and Ashthon, well, yeah I got nothing. But what do I know? Apparently, I know a lot because Karen went through.

Naima vs. Thia v. Lauren T. in Round Four

And now we come to the only barn burner of the night. I wanted two out of the three to go through, but as soon as Naima went out first, I realized that the worst was going to come to pass. Poor Naima. Song choice will bite you in the ass every time. And kittens, can anybody please explain to me what the fuck is it with Thia? I just don’t. I mean, I can’t . I’m . . . no. Bite me, America.

Haley v. Rachel in Round Five

Haley making it through on America’s vote was kind of a shocker. But honestly, kittens, by this point, I was too numb to care.

America’s Top 5

Girls: Lauren A., Karen, Pia, Thia, Haley

Boys: Casey, Jacob, James, Scotty, Paul

And how was my batting average on my predictions, darlings? Well, I nailed the girls except Haley, who stole Lauren T.’s spot. And the boys? Well, I nailed that one, too. I had Brett in Jacob’s place. Let my heart get the better of my head on that one. Still and all, not bad.

Wildcard Performances

The judges wildcard picks? Impenetrable. Ashthon over Lauren T.? Jovany over Brett? Sigh.

Ashthon Jones/And I Am Telling You – Sorry, babe. You don’t have the voice for this song. You are the Dina, not the Effie. That was shouty and still not very good. And that last “me”? Yeah, she’s no JHud.

Stefano Langone/I Need You Know – Aw, my cupcake did so well. Good song choice. Very smart. He can do the low key, R&B crooner. And this song didn’t ask his voice to do some things that he can’t do. It took me half the song to realize it was a Jesus song but whatever. He brought the goods. Wildcard, party of one? Yes! He did the damn thing.

Kendra Chantelle/Georgia on My Mind – Good song choice again. But babydolls, oooh, she started way too low. She was scraping along the bottom of her register and it was not pleasant. It got better once she got up into her head voice on the chorus. Truth? She has a beautiful voice, but no real presence on that stage. She’s not a star. Pretty. Good voice. Not a star. Do I think she should have gone through over Ashthon? Duh. But objectively, do I think she should have gone through? Eh. Not really.

Jovany Barretto/Angel – Dammit, JLo. Nobody else wants to fuck this kid but you. We didn’t need to play a game of “Let’s listen to this fool be boring some more.” Hasn’t he noticed that Jon Secada is not a star these days? There’s a reason for that. And he was so pitchy and off and Karen already did the bilingual thing better than him the night before. And kittens, what was with the five o’ clock shadow/no mustache combo? Eww? Ha! JLo hated it. She couldn’t even mount a defense. What a wasted choice.

Naima Adedapo/For All We Know – I’m still pulling for this one, noodles, but on this song she was just off. Maybe a little flat. Sliding into some of those notes. It was just OK. Again. Some more. I’m sorry, kittens. I am no longer impressed with Miss Adedapo.

Robbie Rosen/Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word – Fuck me. The big headed muppet? Pulled it off. Great song. And he sounded really good. Darlings, by the time he was done, I believed this fool was going to get through. He put his foot in that song and he earned his ticket to the finals. Luckily, Idol, much like life, isn’t fair and thus we’re all spared having to look at this fool for the next seven hundred months.

JLo’s new video? I refuse.

And so we wound up with Ashthon (eww), Naima (OK), and Stefano (Yay!) to round up our Top 13. And that’s where we stand, kittens. Dice are rolling. The knives are out. I can’t see any way this doesn’t wind up some kind of Casey/Lauren A. death match, but America surprises me every season.

American Idol S10 Semifinals Ep2 Sing Out, Sister

So I started out a little bit concerned last night because right off the bat JLo was flashing way too much thigh in that disco ball sheath. And we won’t even discuss the bootaloons. Sigh. At least the hair was fabulous. And damn, y’all, she’s so, so pretty. When did she get so pretty? However, it seems that the inverse relationship between show quality and the level of cracktastic craziness unleashed by the wardrobe hos and the trannys in hair and make up lives on. Because though all the judgery looked . . . well, Steven Tyler’s hair is getting quite interesting as well, isn’t it? And Ry Ry needs to stop the skiing trips during the season. Goggle marks? Not cute. And as for the kids. Noodles, what is there to say. What were these ladies wearing? Just what? Why? Borron y cuento nuevo. For real. And yet, aside from a few unfortunate incidents, the ladies came to play. Can it even be disputed that the girls put their feet in those boys’ boot-ays? I think not darlings. Top 5 out of this group? Your guess is as good as mine. Let’s start with the missteps and build momentum from there.


It’s a Cross Between a Shriek and a Quiver or a Squeak

Ta-Tynisa Wilson/Only Girl – As soon as you saw her, didn’t you know she was going home tonight, kiddies? Why were we even watching her? And she chose to sing Rhi Rhi? Who cannot sing at all? And she sounded like shit! Like absolute shit. And the boobs were this close to a wardrobe malfunction. I just don’t even know what to do with that, kittens. Worse than Jordan’s OMG? I think maybe yes. Steven Tyler liked it be he was clearly just captivated by the boobs. And did JLo just say that it was a little shaky in the beginning? Understatement of the millennium. Did she hit any note on the front end of this song? Why is JLo lying to this girl? That would only ever move the crowd to the exits.

Rachel Zevita/Criminal – That’s just too easy. Oh well, this is the best she’s ever looked. There’s that right? (Miss you, Paula!) Where was Jimmy IV? I don’t think he would’ve let it go down like that.

Ashthon Jones/Love All Over Me – Umm, this is not the Howard University Homecoming Talent Show. And it was so shouty and wannabe diva and just tremendously awful that if it had been the Howard University Homecoming Talent Show, she would’ve been booed for her bad fashion and diva affectations and then Sandman would’ve showed up and shooed her off the stage. That was some next level awful. The judges just let her bluff her way through that performance because the vocal was not good. At all. She does, indeed, have something. I could still kind of see the whatitisness. But noodles, that performance was ass.

Julie Zorilla/Breakaway – Family, she is so, so pretty. She’s JLo pretty. And up until now, she’s been very smartly wending her way through this competition. This girl doesn’t have a stellar, blow you away voice. It’s pleasant and she has a nice tone. But what she does have by the bucket load is star quality. She captivates. And she had been able to choose songs that fit her voice and style. Had been. Because last night’s song choice was the definition of a tragic mistake. Idol Rule #1: You do not sing Kelly Clarkson. And you definitely don’t sing her badly. This song ate her lunch, y’all. She is not a belter. Why? Why would she pick this song? What a horrible, horrible song choice. And darlings, she knew it, too. She knew it. The judges knew it. Everybody in the audience knew it. Astronauts living on the International Space station knew it based on the sudden black cloud that descended over Los Angeles at the close of that song. Did you see Randy’s face? Ouch. She screwed the pooch and now she’s going home. Sad.

What I Lack In Pitch, I Sure Make Up In Power

Naima Adedapo/Summertime – Oh, no. No, baby, no. ‘Tasia owns Summertime on the Idol stage. When will they ever learn, kittens? There are so many great songs out there in the world. Why sing one that has previously been laid out on the Idol stage by a beloved former contestant? And the dress was insane. A gold doily wrapped in a table cloth wrapped in napkins. Suffice it to say that I was annoyed before she even sang a note. And yet, she at least did a much jazzier version of the song. And she sounded fine. Actually, she sounded better than fine. She sounded really, really good. I liked the arrangement and I could’ve enjoyed the song with my eyes closed. Sadly, as soon as I opened them she was there dressed like an insane person and being cheesy. Overall, though, I agreed with the Dawg that it really picked up speed as it went along. By the end, she found a nice groove. It was a cheese festival in the beginning, though.

Kendra Chantelle/Impossible – I like this girl despite the fact that she’s kinda trashy. That said, Xtina is a beast. If you attempt to take on one of her songs, you’d best be prepared to throw down. The first part of the song? She was kind of doin’ it to it. For a minute there, I thought she might actually pull it off. I was surprised. And you know what, darlings? I think she was surprised as well. You could see the moment she realized that she might actually pull this song off. And just in that moment? She totally lost her nerve. All of a sudden, she just kind of lost it entirely. Those last notes and runs were a tad bit off key and definitely not delivered with the same verve and confidence as the front end of the song. Still and all, it was a valiant effort. I don’t think we’ve seen a better attempt at Xtina ever on this show. She came out of that mainly unscathed, so props for that because Ms. Aguilera is no joke.

Haley Reinhart/Fallin’ – Great. The granddaddy of the non-song song. And she has shown a penchant for being a note killer and oversinger par excellence. So imagine my concern, noodles. And yet, she was working it out on this song. She sounded really, really good. Great tone to her voice and the pitch was right in the pocket. The runs were crystal clear. Lots of power, did interesting things with the melody. She oozed confidence up there. Wow. She was great on a crappy song. The Dawg may disagree, but in my Steven Tyler-ism of the night, the man himself noted “If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.” Ha! Steven Tyler, I love you.

Thia Megia/Out Here on My Own – I just don’t get this girl. She’s such a big ball of nothing. And singing that Irene Cara classic from Fame, Out Here on My Own? That was so school pageant. Oh, that was tragic. What 15 year old even knows this song? I sang this song once during a summer camp concert at the Hollywood Boys and Girls Club, but I think this movie was out in the theaters at the time and I was like 12. I wouldn’t sing it if I were going on American Idol. It was like watching someone’s granddaughter perform at the family restaurant. Is this star material, kittens? I don’t know. I don’t think so. What do they see in this girl? I just don’t see it. I don’t get it.

Pia Toscano/I’ll Stand By You – In the pimp slot? Huh. And can we agree that I’ll Stand by You is another song that needs to go on Idol hiatus, darlings? Alright then. It was pretty at first. There was much less vibrato than I remember from earlier rounds and a much more pleasing tone. The end got away from her and into shouty, loud is the new good territory, but overall it was . . . competent. But after some of the previous performances that were serious highlights, was this really pimp slot worthy? Eh. It wasn’t a bad performance. But that’s no show closer, honey.

One Singular Sensation

Karen Rodriguez/Hero – I was so scared. I really thought this lady did not have the voice to take on Mariah. But you know what? She shocked the hell out of me. She kind of tore it up on this song. It wasn’t Mimi by any means, but that was a good thing. I liked the bilingual flava. Kiddies, she could work that latin pop thing. Half those Lati-divas can’t sing at all. Thalia? Paulina Rubio? Our very own JLo? Yeah, they don’t have voices like this girl. I kind of was not knowing about this one. She blew it out of the water. Again, perhaps the best attempt at Mimi we’ve seen.

Lauren Turner/Seven Day Fool – I was hoping she would do well ‘cause I like her. And she still needs a make over real, real bad. But as far as the voice goes? She is so, so serious, y’all. I love this girls voice! 7 Day Fool? Oh, yeah. She can do that whole Adele/Duffy/Amy Winehouse thing. What a cool song choice. Oh and she just let loose on the last part of that song. What? She’s crazy good. It was a perfect full complete sentence. (Note: I will use that as a compliment for someone deserving in my real life tomorrow) I don’t know what JLo was talking about. I thought the performance quality was just fine. And better than fine. Homegirl can just blow.

Lauren Alaina/Turn on the Radio – Noodles, I didn’t know this song at all, but I want to own this version of hers right now. I would buy it on itunes. Today. I got my ninety nine cents ready. This girl can just sing. And she’s fun. A little firecracker. Strangé, lady. I wanted to hate you. I tried to hate you. But much like Brett Lowenstern, you’ve broken down all my defenses and now I love your 700 million year old ass. JLo had the right of it, kiddies. This kid is a natural.

God, I Hope I Get It

Who the heck knows. Let’s go to our Steven Tyler-isms, kiddies. “After Monday and Tuesday, even a week says WTF.” Exactly. I think Lauren A. and Karen can breathe easy tonight because they’re definitely going to be battling it out in the finals. I’d personally put Lauren T. right up there, too, but she only had a teaspoonful of screen time prior to the one week of semifinals and her style might not be everyone’s huckleberry. Pia and Thia seem like locks although I don’t really care for them. And Naima had a lot of steam coming into the night, so I could easily see a top 5 girls of Lauren A., Karen, Thia, Pia and Naima with Lauren T. squeezed out. I feel like a case could even be made for Kendra or Haley. Really the only ones totally out of the running seem to be Julie, Rachel Ashthon and Ta-Tynisa. But I’m not gonna duck my responsibilities, darlings. My best guess for Top 5? Karen, Lauren A., Thia, Pia and Lauren T. And I think Naima gets in on the wildcard. We’ll soon find out.

American Idol S10 Semifinals Ep 1 Where The Boys Are

Kittens, let’s start with the quick fashion hits, shall we? JLo looks amazing and it’s live on tape. And she needs to give me that dress now. Also, no 40 year old woman should be rocking the half up/half down hair style. I miss Steven Tyler’s hats. On the other hand, he did have on a shirt with red lips all over it and the minute he sat down, he started doing the monkey scream. So, it’s a draw, Steven Tyler. You crazy bastard. Ryan needs to step away from the self tanner. Every now and again, especially during California winters when he can’t lay out for that natural, sun kissed look. Ryan goes to the orange, Michael Kors place and it’s never pretty.


There, all done. Now time to get our judge on and see who rocked it and who was all nasally up in his nasal. (We still love and miss you, Pau Pau) I hated the new Idol-dome. Half the kids sounded overwhelmed. And I’m still not bought in to the whole bloodbath to come as we cut from 24 to 10 + however many wild cards they gave the judges this year, but Cecile Frot-Coutaz’ will be done. So we’ll run down the performances in order and then we’ll chat about who we think will form our boys Top 10. Ready? Steady? Go, noodles, go!

Junbug/Superstitious – Well, he looked adorable. That’s something. Darlings, Junbug does not have the chops to take on Stevie. He clearly thinks he sings much better than he actually does. And oh, he was so far off the pitch right from the jump. Sharp, sharp all over. Kiddies, his attempt to funkify this already sufficiently funky R&B classic and do all the runs was just, no. His voice has a weird nasally thing. And the “hey, hey, hee-ey” scream, really the whole end of the song, was just yowl-y crap. I knew Steven Tyler would love it because he thinks screaming equals singing and he got distracted by his AI sign, but I was disappointed that JLo didn’t call him on all the screechy out of tune-ness. As she noted, he did seem nervous during the performance, but kittens, was that really the worst part? Of course not. Randy is and idiot, but I agree that the performance wasn’t karaoke. It wasn’t good, but it wasn’t karaoke either.

Jovany Barretto/I’ll Be – Well, he needs to go home immediately. His clip package was ass. And he broke out one of the most overused Idol songs of all times. I’ll Be? What is this, Season 4? Kiddies, this is who he is. Nothing but muscles and cheese and a face not nearly as cute as he believes it is. His voice is so weak and non-descript. I think I’ve heard dockworkers singing in the bathroom on their break who sound better than this kid. Go home, you big headed fool. You can’t sing. JLo only put you through because you kissed Marc Antony’s ass and she kinda wants to fuck you. And only Randy brings the realness? What is going on? It was karaoke. Sounds like the original but not as good. Exactly.

Jordan Dorsey/OMG – He also needs to go home immediately. Hmmm. Seems like we have a couple of those in the mix. And to think, I used to really like this fool. Noodles, I’m so ashamed. Don’t judge me. I suppose I must give him mini-props for singing a current song. But he does know that Usher can’t really sing, right? And that this song, while a dance floor anthem, is not a singer’s song? No matter how he tries to jazz it up. And by going off the melody, he just made the song sound odd. So many key changes. Wait, make that so many unnecessary key changes. It was just a weird performance. Darlings, the look on Steven Tyler’s face was priceless. JLo also nailed it by calling this fool out on being fake. And then he agreed that the song was not him. So he acknowledges that he’s fake? Alright, then. You know what? I’m done with this one. Done. Darlings, please send him home this week, mkay? Thanks!

Tim Halperin/Come on Over – Why did Tim Halperin get the Coca Cola pimp spot interview? He’s about as interesting as watching paint dry. But, kiddies, I liked this one after his Vegas duet with Julie Z., so I was hoping he’d bring it. Alas, it was not broughten. I kind of have to doubt now whether he was ever in possession of an it to bring. The song itself is very low key and it sounded like he maybe arranged the song a little low for his voice and therefore he had to do a lot of sing-talking, which I don’t enjoy. He was consistently just a tick off the notes in some weird way that made me very uncomfortable. Yep, I just didn’t like it. Darn it. And I really wanted to like him. Steven Tyler tells me that the song did not do him any justice and I concur. And no, JLo, he didn’t do it well. (Side note: Doin’ It Well is JLo’s best song. Discuss) He has been better. He just didn’t nail it. Bad song choice. Bad arrangement. And no, Tim Halperin. Do not defend the shoe to me and America. Bad, Tim. Kittens, I hope he’s cute enough to pull himself through to next week.

Brett Lowenstern/Light My Fire – Oh, Brett of my heart! I wanted to hate him, darlings, I really did. But he made me love him. So once again, I found byself hoping he would bring it. And Light My Fire was actually a really good song choice for him. But as soon as he started performing, it went all the way off the rails, no? Family, the dancing was heinous. And the hair flipping? Look away. The voice was good but the performance quality was so, so uncomfortable. Oh, it was bad, kiddies. Watch from the hall bad. Clearly, this kid is not ready for prime time. Still, on vocals alone, I think he was probably the best of the night at this point in the competition. And did we love JLo calling him on all the hair tossing? Indeed, we did. It was great. I believe that he didn’t realize he was doing all the hair tossing and he was adorable with Ryan, but that whole performance was kind of a nightmare.

James Durbin/Some Judas Priest song – Oh, great. Family, I just do not get this kid at all. He’s not even a poor man’s GLambert. He’s just a poor man’s poor man. I suppose he sang whatever scream-y song he was singing well. I didn’t hear any egregiously bad notes. And y’all, Steven Tyler may not want to say it, but this kid needs to get more control. And is the blinky thing the Tourette’s? (BTW, one of his “fans” was in the audience with a Tourette’s Rocks poster already. Already! I refuse, yall!) I am a terrible person so I’m just gonna come out and say that the blinky thing is already old and I don’t enjoy. And this fool is just ugh . . . “Here with the best audience in the world” frikkin’ schmoozing personality and it just rubs me the wrong way and just no. This fool is going to hang around forever and be my worst nightmare. A sickening combo of white Stevie Wonder No Pity pandering, David Cook true artist bullshit that’s just gonna mean he sings covers of songs not normally done on this show (whether or not that’s done well) and Gokey 2.0 back story pimping now that Medina’s gone. He’s going to the finale, isn’t he? Sigh.

Robbie Rosen/Angel – And after the assault in my sense of morality like Tourette’s, the SiNi then serve up this kid? With the big muppet head and the nose? And suddenly I’m so very tired. Oh, god. I’m tired. This is only half of them? Darlings, so, so tired. How can I be this tired already? Oh, what’s that? You say Robbie “Big Face” Rosen is still singing Sarah and doing the most pitiful arrangement of Angel I’ve heard in a while? Noodles, what a strange, strange song choice. And putting all those weird runs in was a mistake, no? The beauty of this song lays in it’s purity. That melody is gorgeous. Just shut up and sing it straight. Sigh. Young kids. Just because you can do all those runs doesn’t mean that you should. He biffed a few notes but overall sang it OK and still I hated it. Know what else I hated, kittens? JLo taking it to the Paula, the notes don’t matter place. Sorry, JLo. All the notes really do need to be perfectly perfect. How is it that I found myself agreeing with the Dawg all night? How did that happen? Something is wrong with the universe. Very, very wrong. Dammit, show, do not make me agree with Randy.

Scotty McCreary/Letters from Home – As he is a grown ass man, he really needs to stop letting people call him Scotty. He really can be a huge, huge country star. Trust and believe. He can’t win this show, but it kind of doesn’t even matter. The Pickle, Josh Gracin, Bucky Covington. Shoot, lots of country singers from this show didn’t win and have still gone on to have solid country careers and he could do the same. Steven Tyler was right about this one. He just couldn’t have picked a better song and he sang it really well. And JLo was right, too. This kid was born to sing country music. And the Dawg was right, too. He is a throwback country kid. So riddle me this, noodles. Why did they put him on this show where there will be only one country theme week. This kid on R&B night? Disco night? Songs Gwen Stefani likes or whatever lame ass themes they pull out of their asses? Oh, it’s not going to be pretty.

Stefano Langone/Amazing – At least he is still a cutie patootie, kiddies. I wanted to just eat him up. Too bad his voice is just not really up to snuff. Again, props for picking an of the minute song. Sadly for him, the Glee kids did it better and when Finn can outsing you? You got troubles. His performance was not on point, even though he was really really trying to sell it. The judges may try to soft pedal the pitch problems and I agree that he makes you want to like him, but that’s not enough to win this showHe’s a total redshirt. He even dressed the part.

Paul McDonald/Maggie Mae – Singing Maggie May again? I liked the snippet of it that I saw during the audition rounds and I liked it here, too. But seriously? Have we ever had a group more likely to repeat songs? This does not bode well for the season, I fear. Back to this performance, yep, still liked it. A lot. He has such an interesting voice. It could be annoying, but miraculously, it’s not. I really, really enjoyed this fool. I enjoyed the herky-jerky dancing. I liked the skinny, man in black look. I loved the smile and he was totally engaging and seemed authentic up there. And most importantly, he sang so, so pretty. I was flabbergasted, kiddies. Flabbergasted at how well he’d done. He made me believe that he might actually be able to do something in this competition. Huh. Much like Ryan, though, Paul needs to leave the self tanner alone.

Jacob Lusk/A House Is Not a Home – So this kid is too much and not enough all at the same time. Kittens, didn’t you just know he’d sing Luther? And he was so far off the melody on the very first notes of A House Is not a Home that it wasn’t even funny. And I did not like this song all transposed to make it all tenor fabulous. It just didn’t sit well in that range. He was playing with the melody in ways I didn’t like. His church home would give him a sniff and polite applause after that one. They might stand up, but behind their fans they’d be talking about how off he was; and “Oh, wasn’t it so sad”; and “Usually that baby has a voice touched by god”; and “Maybe he’s sick”; and “You know, I heard he had AIDS”; and “What?”; and “Girl, yes”; and “No”; and “Yes”; and “Ummm, what a shame”; and “Well, he has sounded better, sister.” That’s what would happen. He needs to go back and listen to Jimmy IV again and remember what he said about simplicity and . . . I don’t know, try again. Judges were on that monkey crack with this one, y’all.

Casey Abrams/ I Put a Spell on You – Wow. I kind of love this kid in every way that one can love. He just makes me smile. This was not his best vocal ever, but I just didn’t care. Who would pick this song, noodles? This kid, that’s who! I am in love with this nerdy white kid doing this funky voodoo soul classic. And the “You’re mine” at the end? Stop it. Just stop it. He had pitch problems all up, down, over and around that song. Vocally, it wasn’t all that good. But man, was it entertaining. Good use of the pimp slot. I would vote for this kid if I voted.

So as far as overall ratings, kittens, what do we got? Let’s take a look:

Loved:

Paul – Best of the night, both vocally and performance wise

Casey – Great performance, only so-so vocal

Liked:

Brett – Clean vocal, really uncomfortable performance

Scotty – Great vocal, good performance, too one dimensional to win this show

Meh:

Junbug – Went first, vocal was only so-so, kind of bland peformance. All over forgettable

Tim – Absolutely dreadful song choice and bad vocal but he’s likeable so I think he’ll make it through

Stefano – Decent but not great vocal (which is kind of his thing) but again he’s likeable and cute as a button which at this stage should be enough

Hated:

Jovany – Boring, (not even all that) pretty boy who can’t sing well

Jordan – Terrible song choice, terrible vocal, laughably bad performance and the dancing. Also, he’s come off as a bitch this whole time, so yeah. He’s toast.

James – Vocally, he was good but I just straight up hate him

Robbie – Again, not the worst vocally. But far from the best. And I just straight up don’t like him

Jacob – So many missed notes, so much oversinging, so much ado over nothing

Top 5

First off, I hate going directly to the top 5. Haaaaatttteeee. But here we are, kiddies, so who will reign supreme? Well, I’m prett sure that Casey, Paul and James Durbin are locks. I think Brett probably has enough fans to make it through with Scotty in the same bucket, so that’s 5 and that’s enough. Judges will put Jacob through because they are contractually obligated to have at least one African American male in the top 10 due to the Chikeze Eze Memorial Pumpkin Pimp clause in Ais contract.

Everybody else is going home, some deservedly and some night. And with that, I’m going to bed. I’ll see you on the tail end of tomorrow to dissect the girls.

American Idol Vegas Night And Chair Part 1 Mine Eyes Have Seen the Glory

Kittens, there are things to be said about this mad mash up of SYTYCD Vegas round plus Group Night, Part Deux plus the Chair.  So many things.  Let me explain.  No, no . . . it is too much.  Let me sum up.  We'll break down the episode tomorrow, but for tonight just mad respect.  Mad respect to Cecile Frot-Coutaz and the SiNi for their diabolical genius inventing new ways to torture these kids.  Hale and well met to Jimmy IV for bringing it raw like it should be broughten to those fools in his Beatles group night critiques.  I look forward to his mentoring sessions each week which seem like they will mostly be Home Truths with Jimmy IV in which he takes it to the little famewhores on the regular.  Byrd, the Bitchy Vocal Coach can be his trusty sidekick.  Let the church say "Amen".  Pure love to the judgery for . . . well, just for being.  Family, I know there will come a time, not too far in the future, when I will call JLo a tone deaf cow.  I will proclaim in the strongest terms that the Dawg is the most useless waste of a sweater in all of creation.  I may even turn on my dementedly perfect Steven Tyler.  But for this one, shining night, well they were damn near perfect, noodles.  Sending Hollie Cavanagh and golden haired Deandre home because they were not ready?  Oh my.  Bagging Lakeisha (who we never even knew before tonight) because Idol does not like big girls?  Say what now?  Turning out singers who were never going to be power players like Molly the White House intern?  Well, shut my mouth and call me a lady!  And most of all, for closing the palace gates against Gokey 2.0.  I just don't think I've ever.  Family, I didn't think it was possible to love this show more than I already do.

It's a long way down, noodles, but right now I'm high on AI life.  5 up, 5 down, 30 to go.  I'm not happy with everyone they put through tonight, but I get it.  Even the ones I wouldn't have chosen, I get it.  I'm spent and happy and just, no Gokey 2.0?  Wow.

AI S10 Hollywood Week Ep 3 Four Rooms

Noodles, I know Steven Tyler initially stole my heart this season and I still love his crazy ass like an ant loves a picnic, but JLo is everything. Not only does she continue to turn it out in a never ending parade of cute, covetable coats and sequined everything (Sequined tap pants! Oh, chica. You scamp!) but also the bitch is a fabulous judge. Talking about contestants who are a couple of years away and therefore should not move on? Fab. Being proven right again (Emma) and again (Hollie Cavanaugh) and again (Miss Teen USA) on who she would and would not let through? U. Bringing the on point advice by the bucketful even to Ugly Crazy (AKA Ashley) about getting through this thoroughly rigged game show and life in general by learning to master your emotions (a thing which Ashley was born ill equipped to ever ever do, but still good advice)? Lous. I bow before the booty. She’s not the new Paula or the new Simon. She’s her own kind of thing and darlings, it is (Steven Tyler-ism alert) delicious!


So Four Rooms is always boring because it is clear just by doing a quick scan of the rooms who will be going through and who will not. Are you in a room with the likes of Brett, Jun Bug, Jacee, Robbie Rosen, 1003 year old Lauren Alaina and horrible, horrible Tourette’s boy (Who seriously, family, is just a bad person and the fool can’t sing!)? Then why all the crying, Crazy Ugly? Clearly, you are going through. Same goes for the room housing Naima Adedapo, who is magic, Thia Megia, who I resolutely just do not get, Julie Zorilla, also magic and so damn pretty it hurts, and Jovany, who’s fifteen minutes are juuuuussst about up. Who did not know that everyone in that room was going through? So quit your crying, Scotty McCreary. You fucked up all week long but Cecile Frot-Coutaz and the SiNi have already invested too much time and money in you to let you go home this early. On the other hand, in the room with Corey Levoy and Brielle? Oh, you’re ass is going home. Chelsee, or redheaded harpie as Rob and I like to call her, and Frances Coontz who gave the worst sing for your life audition possibly of all time and that is saying something on this show are your roommates? Just turn around and leave as soon as you walk in and see who else is in there. So yeah, boring, despite JLo and her sparkly, sparkly bangles and tap pants. But then . . . oh, but then, kiddies. Then the best thing every happened. Nigel, that crafty white devil, grafted SYTYCD Vegas round onto the end of Hollywood Week and decided to force these sleep deprived famewhores to do a SECOND group night full of only Beatles songs in Sin City with a 24 hour turn around time, possibly in lieu of or in some randomly weird combination with the chair. God dammit this show, y’all! It has its hooks in me so deep. Evil genius is what that is. Give them a nuke, and they’re North Korea.

So anyway, lots of people went through who I won’t care about at all after this week ‘cause we’ll have our Top 24, but right now here’s how I’m feeling. Because I know how much you care, kittens.

These People Could Get Me Back to their Vegas Hotel Room

Julie Zorilla – Sang Love Song in a Julie Zorilla way which is a thing already while managing to bring JLo levels of pretty and yet still somehow be likeable. This girl has the, say it with me, noodles, whatitisness. Delicious

Caleb Hawley – Was tearing up Stevie Wonder and damn I would like some more of that. Yes.

Brett Lowenstern – And you know what? I give up y’all. I tried every way I knew how not to like this kid because there is no way possible that this much need on this show will end well, but he got me. I love this redheaded green apple in a red apple universe and it is going to sting like a bitch watching him implode and watching the world turn on him because AI is like every wretched day in high school ratcheted up to the power of 10 and only the cool kids or the alien babies like Glambert who’ve already come out the other side of where this boy is now make it out alive but right here, right now, I frikkin’ love this kid and at the same time I want it done because do we really need to learn this lesson every single season? Pimps up, hos down. Got it. Can we rest now?

Casey Abrams – Oh noodles, how we enjoy this one, no? I hope he continues to bring it. And an upright bass? OK, this kid wins at life. Georgia On My Mind and goddammit I don’t even care that he totally miffed the lyrics. This white boy has a bucketful of soul and I want me some. Hot diggity damn. That’s the shit right there y’all.

Jacob Lusk – Sang God Bless the Child and he’s way too black choir director to win this show but the fool can blow. He would’ve been huge in 80’s R&B when Luther was ruling the roost. Shut up! Huge. And Ryan kind of loves him which means I also must love him a little bit.

John Wayne Schulz – Kittens, I hadn’t thought about this fool in a month of Sundays. And he was lovely on Landslide. That’s the way to sing a country song, family. Oh, this fool could be huge. Like selling out arenas huge. That’s good stuff.

Also you can throw a couple of other folks up in there like Naima but we didn’t even get to hear her sing for your life solo so suck on that. Because we need to spend time with Jacqueline, or as Rob and I like to call her, blond harpie, and watch her fake an illness rather than get cut for her ass voice and crazy eyes and cheap and tacky dye job and whore chic bible fashion. Or something like that, right? Kittens, just now that I would’ve gone mattress surfing with other kids who have a fair to middling shot to reach top 24, but these are the ones we saw, so that’s what I’m serving.

These People I Might Let Buy Me a Drink, But I’d Be Busting Out My Own Key Card at the End of the Night

Ashthon Jones – Whose eyes were perhaps a wee bit too big for her stomach. She didn’t have quite the voice to go full on JHud on And I Am Telling You, but she brought some fierceness and gave it a good run. Furthermore, I suspect she might have the whatitisness somewhere trapped up in there yearning to break free. I’m gonna keep an eye out for this one.

Jun Bug – Kittens, did he just hit the Janet pose and whisper “Band”? Love! Look, he is living his own rainbow truth right now and he oversings everything all to hell and he’s way too gay for American Idol, but I like this kid. And I’m giving him extra points for how the SiNi are trying to paint him as a villain for kicking the crying, fat kid out of his group on a reality TV show. Please. Jun Bug’s mama didn’t raise no fool. Look, I’ll get to Jacee later, but suffice it to say that if he’d been less fat or less young, the SiNi would not give a fuck and I don’t either. The white glasses frames have got to go, though.

Kendra Chantelle and Sophie Shorai – Who both sang Georgia on My Mind better than Jun Bug, if we’re keeping it real, kiddies. Kendra has a nice, deep tone. And Sophie, well, she was a thrilling surprise. I think her take on this hoary song (that really needs to go to that great Idol closet in the sky) might have been the best of the night but her bare feet were giving me Rose Flack flashbacks so that must stop immediately. Still, these two ladies put it down and I want to see more of them.

Carson Higgins – Who is still funny looking in an unfortunate way but won the My Prerogative war hands down over Gokey 2.0 by bringing it Anoop style whereas Gokey Redux went the Andrew Garcia/Straight Up path and darlings don’t we know which style I prefer? And he turned it out. For a white boy. He’s no Anoop, but really who is?

Colton Dixon – Is like every emo boy on the radio now and completely forgettable and yet he’s innocuous enough and every season needs its Tim.

Lauren Alaina – Is really 93 years old, y’all. I swear. She’s got like a reverse Dorian Gray thing going on. Why is this trick still 15? Why does she dress like a Laughlin, NV hooker? Why can she sing so crazy good? I’m perplexed. Like all good Christians, I denounce Diane Warren and all her works, but she brought it once again on Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing. I’m perplexed. I want to hate, but she’s such a freak show that I just. I’ve decided I’m just going to pretend like the bitch is not 15 because clearly, look at her. I’ve seen retired cocktail waitresses who only worked night shifts at Indian casinos that look younger than this girl. I can’t wait until her birth certificate shows up on Gawker mid-season and it’s revealed that she is 59 and then she has to drop out of the competition and escandalo! Until then, I will enjoy her for her beautiful, beautiful voice and seemingly fun personality.

I Would Cast These People Out of Their Rooms and Into the Dark, Desert Night Because They Don’t Deserve to Have Nice Things

Haley Reinhart – I did not know her at all and she went first. So at this stage of the game, that means she must be good, right? Sadly, darlings, not right. Quite wrong, in fact. Shout-y, loud is the new good crap. And Summertime does not need that. Billie would be spinning in her grave.

Thia Megia – I still just don’t get it. I mean, What a Wonderful World is the best she’s ever done and she’s still just manufactured Disney Channel Selena/Miley whatever. That girl in that wacky tacky alphabet sweater is not a star.

Chris Medina – Couldn’t you have guessed that Gokey 2.0 would pull some cheesy stuff like giving My Prerogative the Andrew Garcia treatment? Ewww. He is so gross in his entire being. I just can’t absorb all that bullshit and nappy hair. We only saw a snippet of Gokey 2.0 which means that the shit was foul and wrong and they still put him through anyway to see what nasty ass version of the frikkin’ heart hand will spew forth from him. Sigh. I tire already, noodles. I started out liking FG because say what you will about his stank personality, he has a gorgeous voice which he chooses to use for evil and the more evil he got, the hotter he got and I’m still trying to puzzle that one through. But this idiot I already hate. I hate him. I hate the handi-capable girlfriend. I hate the stupid Chris Sligh hair. I hate the mediocre voice and the whole package. Where else is there to go? Kittens, for my own sanity, I may have to do an I Refuse on this one until he leaves my screen which I pray will be very, very soon or I might have to hurt someone.

Robbie Rosen – I gave in on Brett Lowenstern. I’ve resorted to living in a fantasy world in my head where Lauren Alaina is a 537 year old Time Lord just so I can like her. But this on? No. I will not be won over, even though he sings so pretty and I liked him so much better on the piano. He has a muppet head y’all and his big, giant alien face all up in my face being 16 at me all the god damn time and I just know I’m gonna have to put up with some of the bullshit kids from the Mickey and Judy Put on a Show/Stage Mothers from Hell group and I just cannot. I can’t with this one. Sorry, Robbie Rosen. Something’s gotta motherfucking give.

Stefano Langone and Jovany Barreto – Are both still cute as buttons and both still cannot really sing. Poor Stefano. Stevie kicked his ass. And Jovany. Singing Marc Antony? Again? Unacceptable. Dismissed. The both of you. JLo will just have to get by without her man candy.

Jacee Badeaux and Scotty McCreary – Both sounded and looked so tired, kittens, and shit hasn’t even really begun yet. They both made terrible song choices. I Hope You Dance? Scotty, baby. No. Cookie Monster’s coronation song? Now I know Jacee has taken full leave of his senses. Please send these poor babies home. It’s time for them to go. I want to see neither the big eared, awkward one nor the fat crying kid on my TV screen crying and forgetting they lyrics and singing off key and just being generally not terribly but not that good for the next several weeks. And family, you know y’all will vote for them should they make it that far. Because voting for them is voting for America and apple pie and everybody gets a trophy and trying is just as good as doing and lots of bullshit that is just not true but is a part of the lies we tell ourselves to make us feel good about the fact that in this culture fat crying kids and big eared, awkward kids don’t win things because we are really vain and shallow 90% of the time and the other 10% we want the smart kid who is ugly but useful. So, yeah. No.

Ashley Sullivan – I just hope the show realizes that this girl is not Cute Crazy. She’s not Tati D., train wreck crazy. She’s not white trash, meth head on Jerry Springer crazy. She’s not self absorbed needy crazy like Norman Gentle. She’s not delusional Brittenum Twins crazy. She’s not any of those kinds of crazies which are gross and wrong to parade across the television landscape for our amusement but part of the devil’s bargain that all of us who watch this show enter into every season. Ashley Sullivan is Ugly Crazy. She’s the kind of crazy that will snap and kill them all. She is the kind of crazy that will fuck you up. And she has and Iraq vet boyfriend who probably has PTSD and easy access to military grade weapons. I just hope the show realizes that.

Vegas Beatles Group Night Number 2-pacalypse

Bring it! Kittens, I will be in my room salivating.

American Idol S10 Auditions Ep 6 No

I respectfully decline to dignify the shit served up during last night's Los Angeles audition episode with a recap. Ms. Frot-Coutaz and the SiNi, please take JLo’s turban and Steven Tyler’s increasingly bad highlights and Randy’s gold tennis shoes and every single “contestant” you showed last night, even the ones you gave golden tickets to seeing as how none of them were worthy, and shove them right up your collective asses. It wasn’t cute and we are not amused.


I’m all done now, kittens. See you next week.

American Idol S10 Auditions Ep 5 I’m Just a Girl Who Can’t Say No

Noodles, we have a quality control problem brewing. Did they really let that hyperventilating Liverpool teen through after croaking out a version of The Climb even worse than Miley Cyrus, candidate for worst live performer in history, would’ve been embarrassed by? The chicken dancing girl who was fake in love with the most openly in the closet gay man in America? She gets a golden ticket? Braid Bang? You have got to be frikkin’ kidding me. Hollywood Week is gonna be a massacre.


That was a perfectly pleasant hour of reality TV. Steven Tyler showed up in yet another of his fetchingly zany hats and continued to freely use crazy as an adverb meaning “very” which y’all know I appreciate. JLo wore sparkly pants and was brilliant last night (though she almost ruined it all by letting Marc Anthony out of his coffin during daylight hours. Glass must be light tight. Hmmmph) And Ryan was much better turned out, rocking the sports coat with the jeans. And yet, like munching on a big bowl of ramen noodles, noodles, last night’s AI provided no real nutritional value. Sigh. I think I’ve reached the part of the early episodes where I’m just ready to get it on. It’s the same as it ever was. Good people, lousy people. Awesome people, awesomely delusional people. And through it all, the Dawg, the crack monkeys, the trannys and hos abide. And us, family. We go on. So let’s get to what Austin served up last night. I mean, aside from a heaping helping of cowboy cliches that were sad for us all.

Cowboys Ain’t Easy to Love

Day one and day two in Austin gave us plenty of losers to loathe. We got baby gays with tragic mohawks (Rodolfo Ochoa! Gays of Austin, please take this boy in hand. He’s so cute and so misguided) We got an almost naked Shauntel Campos whose song I cannot even recall as I was so worried about her and her certain to be on the way soon yeast infection. Put some clothes on young lady! We got some big faced boy named Caleb screaming at me in a vaguely DeWyze-ian way and I did not like it one little bit. (And PS, Cecile Frot-Coutaz. You will never, ever, ever, ever make that Lee version of Beautiful Day happen. Please stop trying. We’re embarrassed for you) We got a hatless Steven Tyler on day 2 which was somewhat disappointing but then he made fun of JLo and tried to pull his entire face off and that just showed that hattless or hatted he is one crazy motherfucker which makes me so, so happy and kittens, why can’t we just have a show of nothing but Steven Tyler’s non-sequiturs about his days as a druggie and then cursing about what a fucking great day it is? Wouldn’t it be nice? Oh also, they had crap auditions that we had to sit through from beginning to end. Let’s talk about those, shall we?

Hollie Cavanagh from Liverpool – Steven Tyler noted that she was all over the place with the melody. JLo worried about whether this girl was ready after listening to her butcher Etta’s At last. Even Randy noticed that she went through about eight different keys in that song. And then JLo had her sing again. Why, JLo? Why? Can we blame it on Marc? So this girl can’t sing and she’s not even really all that cute, just kind of pathetic and for a British person her British accent sucked ass and this is not I Feel Sorry for You Idol so I don’t want her on my show. And kiddies, she’ll be gone in 60 seconds once she gets to Hollywood, so let’s not waste any more time on her. Mkay?

Courtney Penry – At one point during this audition, JLo talked about laying in the cut for someone and watching the Bronx/On the 6 Jenny from the block peek out of her was the absolute best thing about this entire 5 minutes of this show. Because this girl? Is a carny freak. And she’s so fake and so “Look at me. Look at me! LOOK AT MEEEEEEE!!! And family, I’m exhausted by just her whole existence. I’ll give her a small point for her appreciation of my Ryan (But really, girlfriend is barking up the wrong tree and it would be kind of sad if that whole crush hadn’t been manufactured in Miss Thing’s basement Get Me On TV Lair. She is not slick) And I suppose she sang Sugarland’s Stay just fine. She could work it out as a back up singer or in some honky tonk in the greater Austin metroplex. But she’s not your American Idol. And Randy, when have you ever known this show to help any singer break his or her bad habits? Alright then.

Jacqueline Dunford and Nick Fink – No. Just ugh. And no. Was it supposed to be tongue in cheek? Because it just came off as really annoying. And are we supposed to be charmed by these two whimsical, crazy kids now? Because, darlings, I just wanted to slap them really hard in the mouth kinda like when Sally Field gets invited to slap Shirley McClaine in that scene in Steel Magnolias where she has just buried her daughter Julia Roberts and she is in the graveyard completely losing her shit and acting her ass off while Olympia Dukakis and Darryl Hannah make with the funny and bring the pathos respectively and Dolly Parton is all kinds of amazing and where do you think she learned to act like that anyway? What? Oh yeah, I wanted to slap these annoying kids. And Jacqueline Dunford, what the hell with the side braid bang? And the flowered spandex mini? I think I had that same dress. In 1993. Stay out of your mama’s closet. Noodles, I don’t even really know if they can sing. I vaguely recall thinking her Mercy was just OK, with some distinctly wonky, too high for her notes thrown in there. Nick’s Sunday Morning was better. Not that I think he’s a great singer, but he had some panache. Both of them seem a perfect fit for the community college choir, but neither one’s a star. And together, they are the most saccharine and annoying two headed love beast on the planet. I’d be amazed if either one makes the show.

My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys

Sandwiched into the three pack of moon faced Caleb and the half naked girl, there was a boy singing Luther’s House Is not a Home. Tearing it down. He might have been my favorite of the night and I don’t even know his name, kittens! But I would like to see more of him. Wouldn’t you? And there were other good folks, too. Discuss.

Corey Levoy –So what about the long lost sister? You’ve just described every ghetto family in America. Who doesn’t have a secret sibling? Is she Oprah? No? Wrap it up then. Honestly, kiddies, this kid did not win me over with his voice. His I Can’t Make You Love Me was countrified all to hell and his tone had a nice country twang, but that nasally tone is gonna grate after a few weeks. And all the runs! Great googly moogly! Sing a note and hold it, just straight. I was on run overload. But then came the high voice conversation and the JLo booty and doing the Running Man and the whole Gay country singer and you know what? Let’s do this, America. With DADT and gay marriage wending it’s way up to the Supreme Court, it’s time for the gay agenda to catch up with AI and the country music heartland. And if Corey Levoy could cause a little crack in the country music homophobia wall, well then I could like this kid. A lot.

John Wayne Schulz – See what I mean, noodles? Year of the homo.  Dad starts out busting on my beautiful pocket gay. And yet. And yet. He was won over by the fabulousness that is Ryan Seacrest. By the end of the audition, John Wayne here was picking Ryan up and twirling him around in his arms like the end of some romantic comedy and then Ryan was turning around and doing the same to dad leading to belt buckle damage to his dainty hands and while I’m sure that’s not the first time a belt buckle has left a mark on his delicate white skin, it probably wasn’t on the hand the last time it happened. I was Bored by all the salt of the earth, country bullshit backstory. But his Believe by Brooks and Dunn was sung really well. He’s still a big old bag of producer pimping and bullshit and I will be sick of him after Songs from the Year of Your Birth week. But he won me over the minute he picked up my Ryan.

Janelle Arthur – Was altogether pleasant. Her voice on Syrup and Honey had a purity and a lightness that was pleasing to the ear. And she’s very easy on the eyes, is she not? I would appreciate having a countrified female contestant that I could enjoy this season (see La Underwood or even the Pickle) rather than a rage inducing cliché monger who caterwauls and screeches her way through twangy renditions of pop classics (I still hate you Colonel Kristie Lee. So, so much). Could this girl be the one, noodles? I’m not convinced. She seems awfully low key and in a sea of 15 year old drama factories just waiting to claim the country spot and black country queens who can actually sing this time, well Janelle here might slip right through the cracks.

Casey Abrams – I Don’t Need No Doctor. So this kid is right up Steven Tyler’s alley and let me tell you, Steven Tyler was loving it! The kid was so good that Steven Tyler didn’t even start banging on the table and hooting along with the contestant like some in tune Howler monkey. And was that JLo lifting up the gospel hand? Oh, Lopez! I think you just made up for inlficting Marc Anthony on an unsuspecting world last night. So yeah, this kid Casey has got the goods. He even threw in a little scatting. What? Toss another funky, funky white boy in the barbie, kittens.

Did we really get through Austin with no 15 year olds? Kittens, I think that automatically makes Austin my favorite audition city to date. Can we possibly get that lucky two nights in a row? Most likely not, but hope springs eternal.

American Idol S10 Auditions Ep 4 Wake Me When It’s Over

Noodles, Nashville was kind of uninspired, no? I mean, don’t get me wrong, there were a more than acceptable number of decent auditions. Steven Tyler continues to be delightful. JLo, in addition to the virgin blood, is on some serious Dorian Grey shit because the bitch looks better and better and better by the week. And the Dawg is still an ass. Sigh. And they were at the Ryman which is awesome. But it failed to movie me, kittens. Did the earth move for you? Before we dive into tonight’s new Idol-mania, let’s jump in our way back machine and see what we remember about last Wednesday. I damn sure remember that my Ry-Ry was still rocking the weekend casual and I cannot wait to get him back to the Kodak and into the bespoke suits because I miss my sleekly metrosexual pocket gay so, so much.


These People Need to Stop

Christina McCaffrey – Stop it. With your frosted green eye shadow and your Bonne Belle lipgloss and your all of all and your crazy. Just stop it. I Hope You Dance? How about I hope you stop singing? And Randy, you can’t just laugh and say “Really?” and then demand to be paid money for judging this show. Dammit, man, you are a professional. Thank heavens JLo is here now to call him on his shit.

Fat girl in Victoria’s Secret panties? No. Steven Tyler croaking like a velociraptor? No.

Male Tattoo Sleeve – I cannot. I mean, kittens, I cannot. Make it stop. And did everyone else notice that Steven Tyler was so not interested in Nashville. Did someone lower his meds?

Stormy Henley – Miss Teen USA? Seriously? See, I can say that, darlings, because I am just a humble recapper. Also, there’s more. She’s a beautiful girl, but is she gonna win a show where tween girls have to vote for her each week? We all now the answer to that one, don’t we? So she sang some Jesus song, Father Can You Hear Me, which neither I nor Mandisa know anything about and it was passable but nothing to write home about and can’t she just go sing praise music at her local church? I bet she’d be really good at that. Darlings, if I could’ve crawled into the TV and kissed that shiny, shiny punim, I’d have bussed JLo for saying no to this more than middle of the road singer. Her voice is just not good enough. Sigh. At least she wasn’t wearing a bikini? There’s that, I guess.

Kameela Merricks – Steven Tyler finally woke up and had something to say about this deluded girl murdering Chaka, so I’m gonna go ahead and let him take it. “ You know you really don’t have a good voice at all.” Thanks, Steven Tyler. We know.

Younique (Latoy Moore) – I refuse. But I will say that Randy’s lack of professionalism last week was out of control. Family, was he always like this? I don’t think so, no? He is a jackass. Someone needs to yank his chain because he is not right nearly often enough to rock the “Simon-I’m-a-dick-but-I’m-right-so-it’s-OK-that-I’m-a-dick” thing.

Matt Dillard – Was on my bad side from the jump. Don’t trot out the special needs kids. Sob story. That’s an automatic sob story. Besides, these hicks are probably running a welfare scam. So he sang You Raise Me Up, a bold and unexpected song choice to be sure, in a just so-so manner. I’ll grant him minimal points since he at least was able to diagnose what the problems with the song were, but JLo was right again. Some more. The audition was not strong enough. Clearly he has a seed of something, but this is not American Development Deal Candidate. It’s American Idol and we are supposed to be looking for a star which he is not.

These People May Carry On

Chelsee Oakes and Rob Bolin - Kittens, these two do not look like they go together at all. At all. The hotness differential between the two of them is off the charts. And you could tell that while he might enjoy getting back up in that, she most decidedly would not. Still, they sounded divine together,no? And as soloists? Rob is the shit, y’all. Love that husky timbre in his voice. Kittens, he tore up What’s Goin On. Chelsee sang the song that reminds me of Lacey (The Story) and her crazy red hair and terrible, nails on a chalkboard voice and that’s not a good thing but she had a quirky, interesting voice. Of the two of them, I’d bet folding money he goes farther than she does. As far as the love story goes, darlings, all I can say is whatever. This is not Flavor of Love.

Adrian Beasley – Noodles, let’s just start by acknowledging that the weave is tragic. But then we met Freddie and Carolyn and they are all over adorable but looking at them don’t we totally get the weave now? Alright, then. And in the grand scheme of things the weave doesn’t even matter. Bad hair can be fixed. Well, not by the trannys in hair and make up on this show, but by someone. And bottom line, she has a gorgeous voice. Pure country. I love how much Steven Tyler loves the kids who are good. And when she called her dad who was tickled? Aww. We love her. Love. That’s how you do a backstory as opposed to a sob story.

Side note: And here’s where Steven Tyler started taking in that crazy way that is the only way he has about how he was surely feeling like we’d have all the winners from right here in Nashville. All the winners? Oh, Steven Tyler. You do know there’s only one winner, right?

Jackie Wilson – That was cramazing. This girl can straight up blow. I want to see much more of her. Immediately. And yet, I worry, kiddies. The Target denim mini paired with that tragic t-shirt? The Supercuts hairdo? A style intervention is in order. The tween vote, especially in this, the year of Bieber Hunt, will be all important and I’m just not seeing how Jackie gets there. On a whole other note, noodles, I’m with Ryan in that I totally thought the old dude waiting outside the audition room was her father. Incest on Idol really would be a bridge too far.

I had mixed feelings on the audition three pack. Paul McDonald sounded a lot like Rod Stewart on his rendition of Maggie May but in a fresh and interesting way, not in a I will milk my aging voice for all it’s worth by making standards albums of exponentially diminishing returns way. I enjoy him. Jimmie Allen, I did not enjoy. He was cheesy and loud. And men? Skinny jeans. No. Danny Pate did a damn fine job with Papa was a rolling stone. Funky, funky white boy. We got a couple of ‘em this year, kittens.

Lauren Alaina – 15 year olds. Fuck. The show is trying to make me lose my mind. And darlings, why does this one look 30 while the parents look 15? And why is she so, so , so fake? The dramatic face grab whilst recounting the Saga of Holly, Tragic Cancer Cousin? Bitch, please. I hate this girl intensely. And yet . . . and yet. There she was singing my favorite Faith and Tim song, Like we Never Loved At All, and knocking it out of the park. And then bringing in her baby faced family and Holly, Tragic Cancer Cousin so that they all could be all cute with my favorite new toy, Steven Tyler and she could turn it out again on that horrible asteroid song from minion of Satan, Diane Warren. Noodles, She can really sing. Still hate her but this one is a comer.

And now we’re mercifully done with Nashville. I barely remember what happened and I just finished writing about it. Bleagh. But on to the next city, kittens.  Each night begins the new day?

American Idol S10 Auditions Ep 3 You’re So Jaded, And I’m the One That Jaded You

Steven Tyler and I have been made supremely uncomfortable by Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I feel like I need one of those Silkwood showers. Noodles, Gokey 2.0 was foul. Did I cry? Of course I did. I’m not some heartless monster. (Really, I’m not. Just ask my mom) Who could not cry when watching Steven Tyler tenderly kiss the cheek of the palsied woman in the wheelchair while whispering to her about how she is the wind beneath her modestly talented fiance’s wings? No one, that’s who. But on the real? Gokey 2.0 had some serious pitch problems breaking off in that version of Breakeven (that was less fabulous than watching the Backbeats do it on The Sing Off and I didn’t even really like that performance). He also had tragic, Chris Sligh hair and an unfortunate, Andrew Garcia-like quality to his whole vibe. In other words, this kid will never be your next American Idol. And therefore, kiddies, what we were left with to close out our time in miserable Milwaukee was straight up tragedy porn. This awful, awful show took what is essentially a sweetly tragic and yet uplifting story and turned it into a crass amusement that will be buzzed about on the interwebs for a day or two and then forgotten. Dignity, privacy, respect? I guess all that takes a back seat to ratings. Damn you, SiNi. Although, in reality, can we really place all the blame on Cecile Frot-Coutaz and Co? I must now be forced to write words in praise of the Fivehead and y’all know how much that pains me. Fivehead’s brother was struggling with cancer his entire season. Whoops, make that his entire winning season. And yet, I never got a whiff of it except through fandom. He never brought it up on the show and he didn’t allow the producers to, I don’t know, film his brother while he was having chemo or some other shit that would’ve forced us to bear witness to what should be a private family struggle. Chris Medina could’ve just said no and tried to let his voice do all the work. Sigh. I blame all the badness on the presence of Frikkin’ Gokey. He ruins everything.


Aaah, now that’s done. So what did we think of the rest of the show? Well, it wasn’t good, no? Two hours of screen time and only 12 Golden Tickets that we saw get passed out (only 53 over the course of the entire two days)? And of those 12, kittens, how many of them have even an outside shot at making it to the Kodak theater? Uh huh. It was like that. The rest of the show was full up with shitty DJs who don’t want to be singers and Civil War reenactors who don’t want to move out of their dad’s basement. Did we really need to see another big girl maim Minnie Riperton’s Loving You? How many times have we seen it before? Bad Barak Obama impersonators. Has it really come to this? I mean, holy hell, noodles, they put Ryan in a modified Members Only jacket. Steven Tyler continues to rock and it’s lovely to see JLo growing a spine, but that’s not enough to sustain two hours worth of some of the most egregious reality TV bullshit I’ve seen in a while. The SiNi should’ve known that nothing good could come of Frikkin’ Gokey’s hometown and slotted this one in for an hour. Give the two hours to New Orleans where you had actual good singers and charming eccentrics.

Slap that baby on the ass and call me Christmas, noodles. Let’s do this.

Hellfire, Save Matches, Fuck a Duck and See What Hatches

Scotty Mcreary – 16 is already too old to be called Scotty unless you are the engineer on the Star Trek Enterprise. This kid has a beautiful, deep bass voice and he did a great job with Your Man by Josh Turner and a less good but still promising job with Put Some Drive in Your Country by Travis Tritt. He’s good. And thankfully seems to be mature for his age. But darlings, I still do not want this kid on my AI. Is he versatile enough to break it down on disco night? Are you salivating to hear him twang his way through a Bon Jovi classic during Rock Week? Do we really think he’s the next American Idol? Of course we don’t, because we are not crazy. I think this kid could be a country superstar, but not in the Underwood-ian country-pop mode that can win this show. He’s a throwback to a Randy Travis style country singer, as the Dawg so astutely pointed out in his contractually mandated 1.5 seconds of relevance per season. He’s a nice kid and I’ll be glad to see him leave on Top 7 week.

Naima Adedapo – Dear Ryan and show. Nobody knows what Summerfest is and Frikkin Gokey is not a star. Kisses, Me. Now, on to Naima. She’s gorgeous. Love her look and whole vibe. Lover her multi-culti, Arrested Development family. Love the shaggy, unshaven underarms. Work! She sang For All We Know by Donny Hathaway and it was pretty damn awesome. She could always go the way of quirky singers of seasons past, but I’m not getting a Tattoo Sleeve vibe from her. I’m tentatively interested. And the JLo/Steven Tyler snark-fest when Jenny from the Block tried to call him Steve? Aww, yeah. It’s Steven Tyler, JLo. Don’t get it twisted. Always the full name. Ha! And then JLo got salty. Kittens, I sense a JLo/Steven Tyler diva-off in the near future and I cannot wait. Steven Tyler may be the more obvious favorite due to his drug use and freakishly strong, skinny limbs, but my money’s on JLo. She will turn that Manolo heel into an ice pick and stab you through the eye. Then when you are down, sit on you with that big old booty. And she can always call in her ghoul husband to chow down on you zombie style if things get too out of control.

Jerome Bell – Was a cutie pie. He needs to lose the bucket hat. And his mom is fabulous! I see you, mama! And Ryan with mom cracking another joke about how he is such a wee pocket sprite? Love! So, Jerome here chose to sing Let’s Get It on and as you all know, kiddies, this song can’t not be cheesy, which I guess makes sense since he’s a wedding singer and they are cheesy by definition. Despite all that, he managed to make me fall a teensy bit in love with him. All the –isms, none of the was-isms. Indeed, Steven Tyler of my heart, indeed. Kittens, we like this one.

Molly DeWolf Swensen – Oh people are gonna hate on this girl so hard. Harvard grad. White House Intern. But darlings, I submit to you that we watched this poor creature get smacked in the face by Randy Jackson. Oh, the humanity! Hasn’t she earned a teensy bit of a break? Sittin’ on the Dock of Bay is fast becoming this year’s overworked audition song, no? She has a pretty voice, although I found the arrangement to be a little weird and off putting. I mean, that’s a nice lower register, but when she switched it up on the chorus it was almost like she was singing two different songs. For me for her, she’s OK but nothing special. Total cannon fodder. Therefore, I sincerely hope she’s a more talented civil servant, because she’s not got what it takes to be a pop star. I won’t remember her tomorrow. I will remember those red pumps, though. Fierce!

Fashion Side Note: While JLo’s treble clef shirt and mini-poodle skirt made her look like the mayor of Crazy Town, the bitch’s coat was fabulous! She is killing it with the array of natty trenches. And Steven Tyler showed up in yet another cracked out chapeau. It’s getting so I almost look fondly on the hate in my heart I harbor for every single one of those silly ass scarves he rocks.

Scott Dangerfield – He sang Amos Lee’s Dreaming, a song which I do not know at all and I don’t think I’m sad about that. But kittens, forget about the song choice and check the voice on this kid. Work it the hell on out, pasty white boy. What? He’s ridiculous. I’m with JLo in thinking he’s one of the best we’ve seen yet.

Whoop – Pow*

*That’s the sound Steven Tyler makes when he is shooting imaginary rubber bands at fools who can’t sing or are beneath him and are taking up his time with all their inability to become out next American Idol, just like this batch below.

Emma Henry – The skunk hair, faux Avril, wannabe the female Beiber, learners permit stank of entitlement coming off this one was almost more than I could bear from the jump. From the jump, noodles. And she’s 15. And the bitch can’t sing. Her rendition of True Colors sounded like me in the shower or like every other 15 year old in the world with a halfway decent voice who gets up and singes Cyndi Lauper at the neighborhood karaoke joint/sushi bar. That spot right there in the middle? Right around “Don’t be afraid to let them show.” Yeah, those notes were not of the lord. I mean she’s a cute girl and all and I’m sure it was really really sad to have to crush her dreams, but really? Sigh. Is this what it’s come to now, kittens? JLo is the tough one!?! Goddamn, judges panel. They know this girl won’t last one round in Hollywood. I’m accustomed to the Dawg being useless, but Steven Tyler really let me down on this one.

Thia Megia – Is not terrible. I think she has a nice voice, though she was desperately trying too hard to sound “funky”. She sand Chasing Pavements in this oddly affected way when I really just wanted her to sing it straight. And darlings, don’t you truly think she wouldn’t have made that mistake, that trying to take yourself too seriously and trying soo hard that the seams start showing, if she’d been just a teensy bit older and more sure of herself and sure of who she was as a performer? She should’ve waited, noodles . What’s worse, the SiNi continue to put through mad young kids in their ill guided attempt to find the next Bieber. As I said last week, I’m skeerid.

Haley Reinhardt – Eh, she’s fine. She got put through mainly because Steven Tyler would like to get in her pants, which should be gross and yet is somehow still charming when it’s coming from him which I guess is just part of the Steven Tyler magic. So this trick sang Oh, Darling in a very loud is the new good kind of way, and I suppose she can sing but why do all these kids have to oversing and throw every single run into a song just because they think they can? If I thought she could learn to tone it down and not be so loud is the new good, I might think she’s got a little something something. But she can’t and I don’t so what does it matter? Cannon fodder. Next.

Tyjuan (OK, it’s actually Tiwan, but I was close) – This kid has a good voice, but oh my stars, he is cheese on toast. We’ve finally started seeing some more authentic contenders for the Chikeze Eze Memorial Pumpkin Pimp slot and then this fool shows up and I see Big Mike, Part Deux. No. No. No. And his whole family outside rocking that Tyler Perry Madea shtick? Ewwwww. I hate this crew. Hate him. Hate the family. Please god, no.

Steve Beghun – It really could’ve gone either way with this CPA, couldn’t it? I mean, the vocals were OK, but not so great that they couldn’t have turned this into a joke audition if they’d wanted to. So Steven Tyler thought he was disturbingly great and weirdly compelling and I vehemently disagreed on the great and the compelling parts of those statements yet still I acknowledge that both of them were lovely turns of phrases from him, as always. This fool will never make it to the live shows. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s one of those types we just never see again, so I hoped he enjoyed his 15 minutes. Maybe it will add to his client list. Anyway, good luck at H&R Block because you’ll not win this show.

Alyson Jodas – Eww. I hate you already. Kittens, gather round for some home truths. If you have to announce to the world that you are an edgy, rocker girl, then you are not an edgy rocker girl. In fact, you are probably a tool who looks desperate in too tight, too cheap clothing with bad makeup and a Supercuts hairdo. Steven Tyler brought the real critique with this girl. Her Come Together was nothing more than passable and her Dream On was regrettable, but I blame Randy for that. And it did give Steven Tyler an opportunity to show us how a rock and roll screen is really done and help us wash away the nightmarish memories of the Gokey scream, so I take a little of the blame away from Randy. But I digress. Noodles, all the judges know that Alyson Jodas will not make anyone forget Manic Panic. She might not even make anyone forget Alexis Grace. I mean, you don’t really have to be a great singer to become a rock star, but this girl doesn’t have that what it is-ness. She got put through for being on Steven Tyler’s jock, which I get it. Who isn’t? She’ll be gone faster than Steve Beghun. They might even hop on a flight back to Milwaukee together after being summarily dismissed from Hollywood Week.

Chris Medina –Frikkin’ Gokey 2.0. So he sang Break Even by The Script and he was flat all over the place and then he was better in the falsetto but still nothing overwhelmingly great. And then the whole segment got so exploitative and nasty and just, eww. Seriously, family, I need a shower. This show makes me hate humanity.

I Liked It, But I’m Not Sure It’s right for American Idol

This is Steven Tyler code for “shit sucked like a Hoover.” And it’s also a perfect description of our Milwaukee episode. Kittens, I enjoyed it because I enjoy this show and I am above all reality TV’s bitch, but it wasn’t good. And it didn’t get us any closer to finding our next American Idol except for maybe a handful of cases (at least from what we saw). The show had been doing such a good job of balancing the crap with the substance, and here they just fell totally off the wagon. Please do better in Nashville, Cecile Frot-Coutaz and the SiNi. Steven Tyler can’t do this alone.

American Idol S10 Auditions Ep 2 We Ain’t Do What You Tell Us To Jockomo Feena Nay

As Ryan could so adorably not say at all last night, laissez les bon temps rouler, darlings. AI is on a roll right now. I know it’s only two episodes in and we’ve been burned before, but all props to Cecile Frot-Coutaz and the SiNi because they’ve managed this reboot masterfully thus far. Steven Tyler is a monument to crazy and debauched lechery and he can somehow make incest, BDSM, superstar blow jobs and narcissism endearing all while wearing a tiny, feather adorned top hat. Bless. JLo must be bathing in virgin blood every night the bitch looks so dewy and luminous. And the Dawg is . . . there. And substantially less annoying than he used to be? That’s something.


And the talent? Well, kittens, the talent on display last night was through the roof. I’m not in love with all seven Golden Ticket holders we saw. In fact, some of them are highly problematic. But those problems don’t stem from poor vocals and that’s a huge thing, no? Not one kid went through who couldn’t sing at least a little. Maybe the vocal stylings were not to my taste or the voice didn’t set the world on fire, but they were all pleasant, and a few of them were downright awesome.

And the production was on point. They kept the costumes and Mardi Gras shenanigans down to a minimum. They showed a baby faced, S4 Ryan at his absolute most adorable. They worked Amos Moses into the episode score which calls for major props. They only had one slave plantation reference, which showed major restraint. The train wreck auditions were mercifully few and far between.

Don’t let the smooth taste fool you, family. There was still lots to hate on in the Big Easy and we’ll get there. But for me for you, for now, I’m definitely feeling that old feeling again

Down in New Orleans, Land of Dreams

Jordan Dorsey – Is a music teacher. And he’s so sweet and well mannered and his family is love and full of full figured black women as only the south can make them who called Ryan out for the wee pocket sprite that he is and it was just all so cute and then they went and plopped an adorable child on top to sing Jordan’s praises and it could’ve all gone so very, very wrong, couldn’t it noodles? But then the best thing ever happened because it didn’t go wrong at all. Instead, it all went very, very right. This gorgeous creature stepped into the room and sang one of the most played out, cliché songs in the Idol catalogue, Over the Rainbow, and he did what? He made it his own. RIP, Pau-Pau. This kid is straight up gold. What’s not to love? Nothing? OK, then. Kittens, it’s been so long since a black man had even a whisper of a hint of a chance to come close to being your next American Idol. Could the long, post-Ruben dry spell finally be over? I don’t know. I’ve been born by smooth singing soul crooners before. But this kid seems like he could be legit. Jordan Dorsey has got the what it is-ness.

Sarah Sellers – Is gorgeous in an unexpected and understated way. Her mouth is gorgeous, although we did not need to ponder whether or not Steven Tyler was her illegitimate papa, Randy and the whole vibe made Steven Tyler hitting on her skeevy in a way that his normal pervy tendencies have not been to date. On the flip side, she’s a blogger. Hey, girl, hey. And her rendition of Make You Feel My Love was the hotness. You had me sold from the moment you laid eyes on me. Amen, Steven Tyler. Amen. She may not be pop enough to win this show. Kiddies, I think we may be looking at the Brooke or the Didi Benami of the season. But since I loved Brooke and Didi, I’m good with that.

Paris Tassin – Darlings, don’t you know how much mama wanted to hate all over this girl and her special needs baby? Sob story. Teen mom. Bored now. But then she forced me to kind of love her through the sheer force of her complete and total awesomeness during her audition right up to and including acknowledging that her nerves led her to slaughter the last notes of La Underwood’s Temporary Home all to hell even though the judges didn’t notice through their tears. I had no idea this girl would be that good. Beautiful girl, beautiful voice. Wow. She doesn’t even need the sob story. I’m mad at the sob story. If they keep it up, I’ll wind up hating Paris more than Frikkin’ Gokey and it won’t matter how often they trot out the cute little special needs daughter so that JLo can plant a loving kiss on her forehead while wearing a fetching trench coat. Let us fall in love with her voice and her (seemingly) sweet personality. Leave the sob story at home.

Gonna Set Your Flag on Fire

Jovany Barreto – Is very cute, but not nearly as cute as he thinks he is. And Mark Anthony is his personal idol? Oh, baby, no. He sang Contigo en la Distancia in a very specific, Latin Pop kind of way and I suppose he did alright. I can see him carving out a place for himself somewhere between Luis Mi and Chayenne. He’s probably not right for the English language pop market, though. And noodles, was it just me, or was this kid giving off a distinctly Loud PR Boy vibe? And of course he’s got a lot of making up to do for inflicting Randy Jackson belly on an unsuspecting world. My god, I’m blind. My eyes. My eyes!

Jacquelyn Dupree – So this girl was wholly unremarkable. She did Carrie’s version of I’ll Stand By You. (La Underwood had a banner evening, no?) She’s probably never heard of The Pretenders. She has a decent voice that she clearly has no idea what to do with. The only reason she got so much play is because Steven Tyler took her uncle to the paddle play place and forced us all to contemplate whether Randy’s ass is, in fact, so big that it would break a paddle like a toothpick. Thank you, Jacquelyn. Thank you. You’re dismissed. Although I will say that knowing Randy is from Baton Rouge explains a lot. A lot. Country ass.

Brett Loewenstern – Is such a special little snowflake and way too tragic to be on my TV right now. His Bohemian Rhapsody was lovely and his folks are my new favorite folks ever. The dad looks like a real life Burt Hummel. But seriously, y'all? He is way too It Gets Better to go on this show. He doesn't know mocking yet. Wait until Vote for the Worst gets hold of him. And he's so everything in your face all the time, which makes sense because he's 16, but I am exhausted just looking at him, kittens. I did enjoy him and Steven Tyler just being all freaky at each other and clucking like chickens. But in general? Nope. Don't want him on the show long enough that he'll get that John Stevens "get me out of this death camp please god no more Gloria Estefan night" glare. He should go somewhere and make whiny YouTube videos for a couple of years and then come back and see me. Fucking teens. Gah.

Jacee Badeaux – May be 15, but he looks 10. He sang Sitting on the Dock of the Bay and , you know, he has a beautiful voice, but when it changes once he starts puberty, he’s gonna be fucked. Kittens, we all know that Hollywood is going to mess him up as he's not, how do you say? A traditional looking pop idol. I mean, he’s so fat he couldn’t even jump for joy when they gave him his Golden Ticket. He seems like a such a sweet child and he has a voice like an angel. Why put him through the AI fame grinder? It’s grotesque.

I’m Glad to Be, Yesiree, In the Land of Reverie

37 Golden Tickets in just one day? Not bad Nawlins. There were other folks beside the golden seven, but really we can break them down into a few key lessons, many of which we’ve learned before. Dudes, don’t sing bitch songs. (That’s for you, Mick Jagger mouth) Parents, don’t send your kids to Idol Camp unless you want them to turn out to be pathetic. Dudes, don’t sing bitch songs. (That’s for you, too, Alex Attardo) If you come to your AI audition in an elaborate costume, you will be winding up in a loser’s montage. These are the eternal truths, kittens.

As is only right, let’s close with a Tylerism: “You know what they say about a little hat? It’s good for a little head.” What does that mean in this context, noodles? What does it ever mean? It’s a tale told by a fool, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. It’s the what it is-ness. Jump in it.