Steven Tyler and I have been made supremely uncomfortable by Milwaukee, Wisconsin. I feel like I need one of those Silkwood showers. Noodles, Gokey 2.0 was foul. Did I cry? Of course I did. I’m not some heartless monster. (Really, I’m not. Just ask my mom) Who could not cry when watching Steven Tyler tenderly kiss the cheek of the palsied woman in the wheelchair while whispering to her about how she is the wind beneath her modestly talented fiance’s wings? No one, that’s who. But on the real? Gokey 2.0 had some serious pitch problems breaking off in that version of Breakeven (that was less fabulous than watching the Backbeats do it on The Sing Off and I didn’t even really like that performance). He also had tragic, Chris Sligh hair and an unfortunate, Andrew Garcia-like quality to his whole vibe. In other words, this kid will never be your next American Idol. And therefore, kiddies, what we were left with to close out our time in miserable Milwaukee was straight up tragedy porn. This awful, awful show took what is essentially a sweetly tragic and yet uplifting story and turned it into a crass amusement that will be buzzed about on the interwebs for a day or two and then forgotten. Dignity, privacy, respect? I guess all that takes a back seat to ratings. Damn you, SiNi. Although, in reality, can we really place all the blame on Cecile Frot-Coutaz and Co? I must now be forced to write words in praise of the Fivehead and y’all know how much that pains me. Fivehead’s brother was struggling with cancer his entire season. Whoops, make that his entire winning season. And yet, I never got a whiff of it except through fandom. He never brought it up on the show and he didn’t allow the producers to, I don’t know, film his brother while he was having chemo or some other shit that would’ve forced us to bear witness to what should be a private family struggle. Chris Medina could’ve just said no and tried to let his voice do all the work. Sigh. I blame all the badness on the presence of Frikkin’ Gokey. He ruins everything.
Aaah, now that’s done. So what did we think of the rest of the show? Well, it wasn’t good, no? Two hours of screen time and only 12 Golden Tickets that we saw get passed out (only 53 over the course of the entire two days)? And of those 12, kittens, how many of them have even an outside shot at making it to the Kodak theater? Uh huh. It was like that. The rest of the show was full up with shitty DJs who don’t want to be singers and Civil War reenactors who don’t want to move out of their dad’s basement. Did we really need to see another big girl maim Minnie Riperton’s Loving You? How many times have we seen it before? Bad Barak Obama impersonators. Has it really come to this? I mean, holy hell, noodles, they put Ryan in a modified Members Only jacket. Steven Tyler continues to rock and it’s lovely to see JLo growing a spine, but that’s not enough to sustain two hours worth of some of the most egregious reality TV bullshit I’ve seen in a while. The SiNi should’ve known that nothing good could come of Frikkin’ Gokey’s hometown and slotted this one in for an hour. Give the two hours to New Orleans where you had actual good singers and charming eccentrics.
Slap that baby on the ass and call me Christmas, noodles. Let’s do this.
Hellfire, Save Matches, Fuck a Duck and See What Hatches
Scotty Mcreary – 16 is already too old to be called Scotty unless you are the engineer on the Star Trek Enterprise. This kid has a beautiful, deep bass voice and he did a great job with Your Man by Josh Turner and a less good but still promising job with Put Some Drive in Your Country by Travis Tritt. He’s good. And thankfully seems to be mature for his age. But darlings, I still do not want this kid on my AI. Is he versatile enough to break it down on disco night? Are you salivating to hear him twang his way through a Bon Jovi classic during Rock Week? Do we really think he’s the next American Idol? Of course we don’t, because we are not crazy. I think this kid could be a country superstar, but not in the Underwood-ian country-pop mode that can win this show. He’s a throwback to a Randy Travis style country singer, as the Dawg so astutely pointed out in his contractually mandated 1.5 seconds of relevance per season. He’s a nice kid and I’ll be glad to see him leave on Top 7 week.
Naima Adedapo – Dear Ryan and show. Nobody knows what Summerfest is and Frikkin Gokey is not a star. Kisses, Me. Now, on to Naima. She’s gorgeous. Love her look and whole vibe. Lover her multi-culti, Arrested Development family. Love the shaggy, unshaven underarms. Work! She sang For All We Know by Donny Hathaway and it was pretty damn awesome. She could always go the way of quirky singers of seasons past, but I’m not getting a Tattoo Sleeve vibe from her. I’m tentatively interested. And the JLo/Steven Tyler snark-fest when Jenny from the Block tried to call him Steve? Aww, yeah. It’s Steven Tyler, JLo. Don’t get it twisted. Always the full name. Ha! And then JLo got salty. Kittens, I sense a JLo/Steven Tyler diva-off in the near future and I cannot wait. Steven Tyler may be the more obvious favorite due to his drug use and freakishly strong, skinny limbs, but my money’s on JLo. She will turn that Manolo heel into an ice pick and stab you through the eye. Then when you are down, sit on you with that big old booty. And she can always call in her ghoul husband to chow down on you zombie style if things get too out of control.
Jerome Bell – Was a cutie pie. He needs to lose the bucket hat. And his mom is fabulous! I see you, mama! And Ryan with mom cracking another joke about how he is such a wee pocket sprite? Love! So, Jerome here chose to sing Let’s Get It on and as you all know, kiddies, this song can’t not be cheesy, which I guess makes sense since he’s a wedding singer and they are cheesy by definition. Despite all that, he managed to make me fall a teensy bit in love with him. All the –isms, none of the was-isms. Indeed, Steven Tyler of my heart, indeed. Kittens, we like this one.
Molly DeWolf Swensen – Oh people are gonna hate on this girl so hard. Harvard grad. White House Intern. But darlings, I submit to you that we watched this poor creature get smacked in the face by Randy Jackson. Oh, the humanity! Hasn’t she earned a teensy bit of a break? Sittin’ on the Dock of Bay is fast becoming this year’s overworked audition song, no? She has a pretty voice, although I found the arrangement to be a little weird and off putting. I mean, that’s a nice lower register, but when she switched it up on the chorus it was almost like she was singing two different songs. For me for her, she’s OK but nothing special. Total cannon fodder. Therefore, I sincerely hope she’s a more talented civil servant, because she’s not got what it takes to be a pop star. I won’t remember her tomorrow. I will remember those red pumps, though. Fierce!
Fashion Side Note: While JLo’s treble clef shirt and mini-poodle skirt made her look like the mayor of Crazy Town, the bitch’s coat was fabulous! She is killing it with the array of natty trenches. And Steven Tyler showed up in yet another cracked out chapeau. It’s getting so I almost look fondly on the hate in my heart I harbor for every single one of those silly ass scarves he rocks.
Scott Dangerfield – He sang Amos Lee’s Dreaming, a song which I do not know at all and I don’t think I’m sad about that. But kittens, forget about the song choice and check the voice on this kid. Work it the hell on out, pasty white boy. What? He’s ridiculous. I’m with JLo in thinking he’s one of the best we’ve seen yet.
Whoop – Pow*
*That’s the sound Steven Tyler makes when he is shooting imaginary rubber bands at fools who can’t sing or are beneath him and are taking up his time with all their inability to become out next American Idol, just like this batch below.
Emma Henry – The skunk hair, faux Avril, wannabe the female Beiber, learners permit stank of entitlement coming off this one was almost more than I could bear from the jump. From the jump, noodles. And she’s 15. And the bitch can’t sing. Her rendition of True Colors sounded like me in the shower or like every other 15 year old in the world with a halfway decent voice who gets up and singes Cyndi Lauper at the neighborhood karaoke joint/sushi bar. That spot right there in the middle? Right around “Don’t be afraid to let them show.” Yeah, those notes were not of the lord. I mean she’s a cute girl and all and I’m sure it was really really sad to have to crush her dreams, but really? Sigh. Is this what it’s come to now, kittens? JLo is the tough one!?! Goddamn, judges panel. They know this girl won’t last one round in Hollywood. I’m accustomed to the Dawg being useless, but Steven Tyler really let me down on this one.
Thia Megia – Is not terrible. I think she has a nice voice, though she was desperately trying too hard to sound “funky”. She sand Chasing Pavements in this oddly affected way when I really just wanted her to sing it straight. And darlings, don’t you truly think she wouldn’t have made that mistake, that trying to take yourself too seriously and trying soo hard that the seams start showing, if she’d been just a teensy bit older and more sure of herself and sure of who she was as a performer? She should’ve waited, noodles . What’s worse, the SiNi continue to put through mad young kids in their ill guided attempt to find the next Bieber. As I said last week, I’m skeerid.
Haley Reinhardt – Eh, she’s fine. She got put through mainly because Steven Tyler would like to get in her pants, which should be gross and yet is somehow still charming when it’s coming from him which I guess is just part of the Steven Tyler magic. So this trick sang Oh, Darling in a very loud is the new good kind of way, and I suppose she can sing but why do all these kids have to oversing and throw every single run into a song just because they think they can? If I thought she could learn to tone it down and not be so loud is the new good, I might think she’s got a little something something. But she can’t and I don’t so what does it matter? Cannon fodder. Next.
Tyjuan (OK, it’s actually Tiwan, but I was close) – This kid has a good voice, but oh my stars, he is cheese on toast. We’ve finally started seeing some more authentic contenders for the Chikeze Eze Memorial Pumpkin Pimp slot and then this fool shows up and I see Big Mike, Part Deux. No. No. No. And his whole family outside rocking that Tyler Perry Madea shtick? Ewwwww. I hate this crew. Hate him. Hate the family. Please god, no.
Steve Beghun – It really could’ve gone either way with this CPA, couldn’t it? I mean, the vocals were OK, but not so great that they couldn’t have turned this into a joke audition if they’d wanted to. So Steven Tyler thought he was disturbingly great and weirdly compelling and I vehemently disagreed on the great and the compelling parts of those statements yet still I acknowledge that both of them were lovely turns of phrases from him, as always. This fool will never make it to the live shows. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s one of those types we just never see again, so I hoped he enjoyed his 15 minutes. Maybe it will add to his client list. Anyway, good luck at H&R Block because you’ll not win this show.
Alyson Jodas – Eww. I hate you already. Kittens, gather round for some home truths. If you have to announce to the world that you are an edgy, rocker girl, then you are not an edgy rocker girl. In fact, you are probably a tool who looks desperate in too tight, too cheap clothing with bad makeup and a Supercuts hairdo. Steven Tyler brought the real critique with this girl. Her Come Together was nothing more than passable and her Dream On was regrettable, but I blame Randy for that. And it did give Steven Tyler an opportunity to show us how a rock and roll screen is really done and help us wash away the nightmarish memories of the Gokey scream, so I take a little of the blame away from Randy. But I digress. Noodles, all the judges know that Alyson Jodas will not make anyone forget Manic Panic. She might not even make anyone forget Alexis Grace. I mean, you don’t really have to be a great singer to become a rock star, but this girl doesn’t have that what it is-ness. She got put through for being on Steven Tyler’s jock, which I get it. Who isn’t? She’ll be gone faster than Steve Beghun. They might even hop on a flight back to Milwaukee together after being summarily dismissed from Hollywood Week.
Chris Medina –Frikkin’ Gokey 2.0. So he sang Break Even by The Script and he was flat all over the place and then he was better in the falsetto but still nothing overwhelmingly great. And then the whole segment got so exploitative and nasty and just, eww. Seriously, family, I need a shower. This show makes me hate humanity.
I Liked It, But I’m Not Sure It’s right for American Idol
This is Steven Tyler code for “shit sucked like a Hoover.” And it’s also a perfect description of our Milwaukee episode. Kittens, I enjoyed it because I enjoy this show and I am above all reality TV’s bitch, but it wasn’t good. And it didn’t get us any closer to finding our next American Idol except for maybe a handful of cases (at least from what we saw). The show had been doing such a good job of balancing the crap with the substance, and here they just fell totally off the wagon. Please do better in Nashville, Cecile Frot-Coutaz and the SiNi. Steven Tyler can’t do this alone.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment