Kittens, let’s start with the quick fashion hits, shall we? JLo looks amazing and it’s live on tape. And she needs to give me that dress now. Also, no 40 year old woman should be rocking the half up/half down hair style. I miss Steven Tyler’s hats. On the other hand, he did have on a shirt with red lips all over it and the minute he sat down, he started doing the monkey scream. So, it’s a draw, Steven Tyler. You crazy bastard. Ryan needs to step away from the self tanner. Every now and again, especially during California winters when he can’t lay out for that natural, sun kissed look. Ryan goes to the orange, Michael Kors place and it’s never pretty.
There, all done. Now time to get our judge on and see who rocked it and who was all nasally up in his nasal. (We still love and miss you, Pau Pau) I hated the new Idol-dome. Half the kids sounded overwhelmed. And I’m still not bought in to the whole bloodbath to come as we cut from 24 to 10 + however many wild cards they gave the judges this year, but Cecile Frot-Coutaz’ will be done. So we’ll run down the performances in order and then we’ll chat about who we think will form our boys Top 10. Ready? Steady? Go, noodles, go!
Junbug/Superstitious – Well, he looked adorable. That’s something. Darlings, Junbug does not have the chops to take on Stevie. He clearly thinks he sings much better than he actually does. And oh, he was so far off the pitch right from the jump. Sharp, sharp all over. Kiddies, his attempt to funkify this already sufficiently funky R&B classic and do all the runs was just, no. His voice has a weird nasally thing. And the “hey, hey, hee-ey” scream, really the whole end of the song, was just yowl-y crap. I knew Steven Tyler would love it because he thinks screaming equals singing and he got distracted by his AI sign, but I was disappointed that JLo didn’t call him on all the screechy out of tune-ness. As she noted, he did seem nervous during the performance, but kittens, was that really the worst part? Of course not. Randy is and idiot, but I agree that the performance wasn’t karaoke. It wasn’t good, but it wasn’t karaoke either.
Jovany Barretto/I’ll Be – Well, he needs to go home immediately. His clip package was ass. And he broke out one of the most overused Idol songs of all times. I’ll Be? What is this, Season 4? Kiddies, this is who he is. Nothing but muscles and cheese and a face not nearly as cute as he believes it is. His voice is so weak and non-descript. I think I’ve heard dockworkers singing in the bathroom on their break who sound better than this kid. Go home, you big headed fool. You can’t sing. JLo only put you through because you kissed Marc Antony’s ass and she kinda wants to fuck you. And only Randy brings the realness? What is going on? It was karaoke. Sounds like the original but not as good. Exactly.
Jordan Dorsey/OMG – He also needs to go home immediately. Hmmm. Seems like we have a couple of those in the mix. And to think, I used to really like this fool. Noodles, I’m so ashamed. Don’t judge me. I suppose I must give him mini-props for singing a current song. But he does know that Usher can’t really sing, right? And that this song, while a dance floor anthem, is not a singer’s song? No matter how he tries to jazz it up. And by going off the melody, he just made the song sound odd. So many key changes. Wait, make that so many unnecessary key changes. It was just a weird performance. Darlings, the look on Steven Tyler’s face was priceless. JLo also nailed it by calling this fool out on being fake. And then he agreed that the song was not him. So he acknowledges that he’s fake? Alright, then. You know what? I’m done with this one. Done. Darlings, please send him home this week, mkay? Thanks!
Tim Halperin/Come on Over – Why did Tim Halperin get the Coca Cola pimp spot interview? He’s about as interesting as watching paint dry. But, kiddies, I liked this one after his Vegas duet with Julie Z., so I was hoping he’d bring it. Alas, it was not broughten. I kind of have to doubt now whether he was ever in possession of an it to bring. The song itself is very low key and it sounded like he maybe arranged the song a little low for his voice and therefore he had to do a lot of sing-talking, which I don’t enjoy. He was consistently just a tick off the notes in some weird way that made me very uncomfortable. Yep, I just didn’t like it. Darn it. And I really wanted to like him. Steven Tyler tells me that the song did not do him any justice and I concur. And no, JLo, he didn’t do it well. (Side note: Doin’ It Well is JLo’s best song. Discuss) He has been better. He just didn’t nail it. Bad song choice. Bad arrangement. And no, Tim Halperin. Do not defend the shoe to me and America. Bad, Tim. Kittens, I hope he’s cute enough to pull himself through to next week.
Brett Lowenstern/Light My Fire – Oh, Brett of my heart! I wanted to hate him, darlings, I really did. But he made me love him. So once again, I found byself hoping he would bring it. And Light My Fire was actually a really good song choice for him. But as soon as he started performing, it went all the way off the rails, no? Family, the dancing was heinous. And the hair flipping? Look away. The voice was good but the performance quality was so, so uncomfortable. Oh, it was bad, kiddies. Watch from the hall bad. Clearly, this kid is not ready for prime time. Still, on vocals alone, I think he was probably the best of the night at this point in the competition. And did we love JLo calling him on all the hair tossing? Indeed, we did. It was great. I believe that he didn’t realize he was doing all the hair tossing and he was adorable with Ryan, but that whole performance was kind of a nightmare.
James Durbin/Some Judas Priest song – Oh, great. Family, I just do not get this kid at all. He’s not even a poor man’s GLambert. He’s just a poor man’s poor man. I suppose he sang whatever scream-y song he was singing well. I didn’t hear any egregiously bad notes. And y’all, Steven Tyler may not want to say it, but this kid needs to get more control. And is the blinky thing the Tourette’s? (BTW, one of his “fans” was in the audience with a Tourette’s Rocks poster already. Already! I refuse, yall!) I am a terrible person so I’m just gonna come out and say that the blinky thing is already old and I don’t enjoy. And this fool is just ugh . . . “Here with the best audience in the world” frikkin’ schmoozing personality and it just rubs me the wrong way and just no. This fool is going to hang around forever and be my worst nightmare. A sickening combo of white Stevie Wonder No Pity pandering, David Cook true artist bullshit that’s just gonna mean he sings covers of songs not normally done on this show (whether or not that’s done well) and Gokey 2.0 back story pimping now that Medina’s gone. He’s going to the finale, isn’t he? Sigh.
Robbie Rosen/Angel – And after the assault in my sense of morality like Tourette’s, the SiNi then serve up this kid? With the big muppet head and the nose? And suddenly I’m so very tired. Oh, god. I’m tired. This is only half of them? Darlings, so, so tired. How can I be this tired already? Oh, what’s that? You say Robbie “Big Face” Rosen is still singing Sarah and doing the most pitiful arrangement of Angel I’ve heard in a while? Noodles, what a strange, strange song choice. And putting all those weird runs in was a mistake, no? The beauty of this song lays in it’s purity. That melody is gorgeous. Just shut up and sing it straight. Sigh. Young kids. Just because you can do all those runs doesn’t mean that you should. He biffed a few notes but overall sang it OK and still I hated it. Know what else I hated, kittens? JLo taking it to the Paula, the notes don’t matter place. Sorry, JLo. All the notes really do need to be perfectly perfect. How is it that I found myself agreeing with the Dawg all night? How did that happen? Something is wrong with the universe. Very, very wrong. Dammit, show, do not make me agree with Randy.
Scotty McCreary/Letters from Home – As he is a grown ass man, he really needs to stop letting people call him Scotty. He really can be a huge, huge country star. Trust and believe. He can’t win this show, but it kind of doesn’t even matter. The Pickle, Josh Gracin, Bucky Covington. Shoot, lots of country singers from this show didn’t win and have still gone on to have solid country careers and he could do the same. Steven Tyler was right about this one. He just couldn’t have picked a better song and he sang it really well. And JLo was right, too. This kid was born to sing country music. And the Dawg was right, too. He is a throwback country kid. So riddle me this, noodles. Why did they put him on this show where there will be only one country theme week. This kid on R&B night? Disco night? Songs Gwen Stefani likes or whatever lame ass themes they pull out of their asses? Oh, it’s not going to be pretty.
Stefano Langone/Amazing – At least he is still a cutie patootie, kiddies. I wanted to just eat him up. Too bad his voice is just not really up to snuff. Again, props for picking an of the minute song. Sadly for him, the Glee kids did it better and when Finn can outsing you? You got troubles. His performance was not on point, even though he was really really trying to sell it. The judges may try to soft pedal the pitch problems and I agree that he makes you want to like him, but that’s not enough to win this showHe’s a total redshirt. He even dressed the part.
Paul McDonald/Maggie Mae – Singing Maggie May again? I liked the snippet of it that I saw during the audition rounds and I liked it here, too. But seriously? Have we ever had a group more likely to repeat songs? This does not bode well for the season, I fear. Back to this performance, yep, still liked it. A lot. He has such an interesting voice. It could be annoying, but miraculously, it’s not. I really, really enjoyed this fool. I enjoyed the herky-jerky dancing. I liked the skinny, man in black look. I loved the smile and he was totally engaging and seemed authentic up there. And most importantly, he sang so, so pretty. I was flabbergasted, kiddies. Flabbergasted at how well he’d done. He made me believe that he might actually be able to do something in this competition. Huh. Much like Ryan, though, Paul needs to leave the self tanner alone.
Jacob Lusk/A House Is Not a Home – So this kid is too much and not enough all at the same time. Kittens, didn’t you just know he’d sing Luther? And he was so far off the melody on the very first notes of A House Is not a Home that it wasn’t even funny. And I did not like this song all transposed to make it all tenor fabulous. It just didn’t sit well in that range. He was playing with the melody in ways I didn’t like. His church home would give him a sniff and polite applause after that one. They might stand up, but behind their fans they’d be talking about how off he was; and “Oh, wasn’t it so sad”; and “Usually that baby has a voice touched by god”; and “Maybe he’s sick”; and “You know, I heard he had AIDS”; and “What?”; and “Girl, yes”; and “No”; and “Yes”; and “Ummm, what a shame”; and “Well, he has sounded better, sister.” That’s what would happen. He needs to go back and listen to Jimmy IV again and remember what he said about simplicity and . . . I don’t know, try again. Judges were on that monkey crack with this one, y’all.
Casey Abrams/ I Put a Spell on You – Wow. I kind of love this kid in every way that one can love. He just makes me smile. This was not his best vocal ever, but I just didn’t care. Who would pick this song, noodles? This kid, that’s who! I am in love with this nerdy white kid doing this funky voodoo soul classic. And the “You’re mine” at the end? Stop it. Just stop it. He had pitch problems all up, down, over and around that song. Vocally, it wasn’t all that good. But man, was it entertaining. Good use of the pimp slot. I would vote for this kid if I voted.
So as far as overall ratings, kittens, what do we got? Let’s take a look:
Loved:
Paul – Best of the night, both vocally and performance wise
Casey – Great performance, only so-so vocal
Liked:
Brett – Clean vocal, really uncomfortable performance
Scotty – Great vocal, good performance, too one dimensional to win this show
Meh:
Junbug – Went first, vocal was only so-so, kind of bland peformance. All over forgettable
Tim – Absolutely dreadful song choice and bad vocal but he’s likeable so I think he’ll make it through
Stefano – Decent but not great vocal (which is kind of his thing) but again he’s likeable and cute as a button which at this stage should be enough
Hated:
Jovany – Boring, (not even all that) pretty boy who can’t sing well
Jordan – Terrible song choice, terrible vocal, laughably bad performance and the dancing. Also, he’s come off as a bitch this whole time, so yeah. He’s toast.
James – Vocally, he was good but I just straight up hate him
Robbie – Again, not the worst vocally. But far from the best. And I just straight up don’t like him
Jacob – So many missed notes, so much oversinging, so much ado over nothing
Top 5
First off, I hate going directly to the top 5. Haaaaatttteeee. But here we are, kiddies, so who will reign supreme? Well, I’m prett sure that Casey, Paul and James Durbin are locks. I think Brett probably has enough fans to make it through with Scotty in the same bucket, so that’s 5 and that’s enough. Judges will put Jacob through because they are contractually obligated to have at least one African American male in the top 10 due to the Chikeze Eze Memorial Pumpkin Pimp clause in Ais contract.
Everybody else is going home, some deservedly and some night. And with that, I’m going to bed. I’ll see you on the tail end of tomorrow to dissect the girls.
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