American Idol S10 Semifinals Ep2 Sing Out, Sister

So I started out a little bit concerned last night because right off the bat JLo was flashing way too much thigh in that disco ball sheath. And we won’t even discuss the bootaloons. Sigh. At least the hair was fabulous. And damn, y’all, she’s so, so pretty. When did she get so pretty? However, it seems that the inverse relationship between show quality and the level of cracktastic craziness unleashed by the wardrobe hos and the trannys in hair and make up lives on. Because though all the judgery looked . . . well, Steven Tyler’s hair is getting quite interesting as well, isn’t it? And Ry Ry needs to stop the skiing trips during the season. Goggle marks? Not cute. And as for the kids. Noodles, what is there to say. What were these ladies wearing? Just what? Why? Borron y cuento nuevo. For real. And yet, aside from a few unfortunate incidents, the ladies came to play. Can it even be disputed that the girls put their feet in those boys’ boot-ays? I think not darlings. Top 5 out of this group? Your guess is as good as mine. Let’s start with the missteps and build momentum from there.


It’s a Cross Between a Shriek and a Quiver or a Squeak

Ta-Tynisa Wilson/Only Girl – As soon as you saw her, didn’t you know she was going home tonight, kiddies? Why were we even watching her? And she chose to sing Rhi Rhi? Who cannot sing at all? And she sounded like shit! Like absolute shit. And the boobs were this close to a wardrobe malfunction. I just don’t even know what to do with that, kittens. Worse than Jordan’s OMG? I think maybe yes. Steven Tyler liked it be he was clearly just captivated by the boobs. And did JLo just say that it was a little shaky in the beginning? Understatement of the millennium. Did she hit any note on the front end of this song? Why is JLo lying to this girl? That would only ever move the crowd to the exits.

Rachel Zevita/Criminal – That’s just too easy. Oh well, this is the best she’s ever looked. There’s that right? (Miss you, Paula!) Where was Jimmy IV? I don’t think he would’ve let it go down like that.

Ashthon Jones/Love All Over Me – Umm, this is not the Howard University Homecoming Talent Show. And it was so shouty and wannabe diva and just tremendously awful that if it had been the Howard University Homecoming Talent Show, she would’ve been booed for her bad fashion and diva affectations and then Sandman would’ve showed up and shooed her off the stage. That was some next level awful. The judges just let her bluff her way through that performance because the vocal was not good. At all. She does, indeed, have something. I could still kind of see the whatitisness. But noodles, that performance was ass.

Julie Zorilla/Breakaway – Family, she is so, so pretty. She’s JLo pretty. And up until now, she’s been very smartly wending her way through this competition. This girl doesn’t have a stellar, blow you away voice. It’s pleasant and she has a nice tone. But what she does have by the bucket load is star quality. She captivates. And she had been able to choose songs that fit her voice and style. Had been. Because last night’s song choice was the definition of a tragic mistake. Idol Rule #1: You do not sing Kelly Clarkson. And you definitely don’t sing her badly. This song ate her lunch, y’all. She is not a belter. Why? Why would she pick this song? What a horrible, horrible song choice. And darlings, she knew it, too. She knew it. The judges knew it. Everybody in the audience knew it. Astronauts living on the International Space station knew it based on the sudden black cloud that descended over Los Angeles at the close of that song. Did you see Randy’s face? Ouch. She screwed the pooch and now she’s going home. Sad.

What I Lack In Pitch, I Sure Make Up In Power

Naima Adedapo/Summertime – Oh, no. No, baby, no. ‘Tasia owns Summertime on the Idol stage. When will they ever learn, kittens? There are so many great songs out there in the world. Why sing one that has previously been laid out on the Idol stage by a beloved former contestant? And the dress was insane. A gold doily wrapped in a table cloth wrapped in napkins. Suffice it to say that I was annoyed before she even sang a note. And yet, she at least did a much jazzier version of the song. And she sounded fine. Actually, she sounded better than fine. She sounded really, really good. I liked the arrangement and I could’ve enjoyed the song with my eyes closed. Sadly, as soon as I opened them she was there dressed like an insane person and being cheesy. Overall, though, I agreed with the Dawg that it really picked up speed as it went along. By the end, she found a nice groove. It was a cheese festival in the beginning, though.

Kendra Chantelle/Impossible – I like this girl despite the fact that she’s kinda trashy. That said, Xtina is a beast. If you attempt to take on one of her songs, you’d best be prepared to throw down. The first part of the song? She was kind of doin’ it to it. For a minute there, I thought she might actually pull it off. I was surprised. And you know what, darlings? I think she was surprised as well. You could see the moment she realized that she might actually pull this song off. And just in that moment? She totally lost her nerve. All of a sudden, she just kind of lost it entirely. Those last notes and runs were a tad bit off key and definitely not delivered with the same verve and confidence as the front end of the song. Still and all, it was a valiant effort. I don’t think we’ve seen a better attempt at Xtina ever on this show. She came out of that mainly unscathed, so props for that because Ms. Aguilera is no joke.

Haley Reinhart/Fallin’ – Great. The granddaddy of the non-song song. And she has shown a penchant for being a note killer and oversinger par excellence. So imagine my concern, noodles. And yet, she was working it out on this song. She sounded really, really good. Great tone to her voice and the pitch was right in the pocket. The runs were crystal clear. Lots of power, did interesting things with the melody. She oozed confidence up there. Wow. She was great on a crappy song. The Dawg may disagree, but in my Steven Tyler-ism of the night, the man himself noted “If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.” Ha! Steven Tyler, I love you.

Thia Megia/Out Here on My Own – I just don’t get this girl. She’s such a big ball of nothing. And singing that Irene Cara classic from Fame, Out Here on My Own? That was so school pageant. Oh, that was tragic. What 15 year old even knows this song? I sang this song once during a summer camp concert at the Hollywood Boys and Girls Club, but I think this movie was out in the theaters at the time and I was like 12. I wouldn’t sing it if I were going on American Idol. It was like watching someone’s granddaughter perform at the family restaurant. Is this star material, kittens? I don’t know. I don’t think so. What do they see in this girl? I just don’t see it. I don’t get it.

Pia Toscano/I’ll Stand By You – In the pimp slot? Huh. And can we agree that I’ll Stand by You is another song that needs to go on Idol hiatus, darlings? Alright then. It was pretty at first. There was much less vibrato than I remember from earlier rounds and a much more pleasing tone. The end got away from her and into shouty, loud is the new good territory, but overall it was . . . competent. But after some of the previous performances that were serious highlights, was this really pimp slot worthy? Eh. It wasn’t a bad performance. But that’s no show closer, honey.

One Singular Sensation

Karen Rodriguez/Hero – I was so scared. I really thought this lady did not have the voice to take on Mariah. But you know what? She shocked the hell out of me. She kind of tore it up on this song. It wasn’t Mimi by any means, but that was a good thing. I liked the bilingual flava. Kiddies, she could work that latin pop thing. Half those Lati-divas can’t sing at all. Thalia? Paulina Rubio? Our very own JLo? Yeah, they don’t have voices like this girl. I kind of was not knowing about this one. She blew it out of the water. Again, perhaps the best attempt at Mimi we’ve seen.

Lauren Turner/Seven Day Fool – I was hoping she would do well ‘cause I like her. And she still needs a make over real, real bad. But as far as the voice goes? She is so, so serious, y’all. I love this girls voice! 7 Day Fool? Oh, yeah. She can do that whole Adele/Duffy/Amy Winehouse thing. What a cool song choice. Oh and she just let loose on the last part of that song. What? She’s crazy good. It was a perfect full complete sentence. (Note: I will use that as a compliment for someone deserving in my real life tomorrow) I don’t know what JLo was talking about. I thought the performance quality was just fine. And better than fine. Homegirl can just blow.

Lauren Alaina/Turn on the Radio – Noodles, I didn’t know this song at all, but I want to own this version of hers right now. I would buy it on itunes. Today. I got my ninety nine cents ready. This girl can just sing. And she’s fun. A little firecracker. Strangé, lady. I wanted to hate you. I tried to hate you. But much like Brett Lowenstern, you’ve broken down all my defenses and now I love your 700 million year old ass. JLo had the right of it, kiddies. This kid is a natural.

God, I Hope I Get It

Who the heck knows. Let’s go to our Steven Tyler-isms, kiddies. “After Monday and Tuesday, even a week says WTF.” Exactly. I think Lauren A. and Karen can breathe easy tonight because they’re definitely going to be battling it out in the finals. I’d personally put Lauren T. right up there, too, but she only had a teaspoonful of screen time prior to the one week of semifinals and her style might not be everyone’s huckleberry. Pia and Thia seem like locks although I don’t really care for them. And Naima had a lot of steam coming into the night, so I could easily see a top 5 girls of Lauren A., Karen, Thia, Pia and Naima with Lauren T. squeezed out. I feel like a case could even be made for Kendra or Haley. Really the only ones totally out of the running seem to be Julie, Rachel Ashthon and Ta-Tynisa. But I’m not gonna duck my responsibilities, darlings. My best guess for Top 5? Karen, Lauren A., Thia, Pia and Lauren T. And I think Naima gets in on the wildcard. We’ll soon find out.