Noodles, I know Steven Tyler initially stole my heart this season and I still love his crazy ass like an ant loves a picnic, but JLo is everything. Not only does she continue to turn it out in a never ending parade of cute, covetable coats and sequined everything (Sequined tap pants! Oh, chica. You scamp!) but also the bitch is a fabulous judge. Talking about contestants who are a couple of years away and therefore should not move on? Fab. Being proven right again (Emma) and again (Hollie Cavanaugh) and again (Miss Teen USA) on who she would and would not let through? U. Bringing the on point advice by the bucketful even to Ugly Crazy (AKA Ashley) about getting through this thoroughly rigged game show and life in general by learning to master your emotions (a thing which Ashley was born ill equipped to ever ever do, but still good advice)? Lous. I bow before the booty. She’s not the new Paula or the new Simon. She’s her own kind of thing and darlings, it is (Steven Tyler-ism alert) delicious!
So Four Rooms is always boring because it is clear just by doing a quick scan of the rooms who will be going through and who will not. Are you in a room with the likes of Brett, Jun Bug, Jacee, Robbie Rosen, 1003 year old Lauren Alaina and horrible, horrible Tourette’s boy (Who seriously, family, is just a bad person and the fool can’t sing!)? Then why all the crying, Crazy Ugly? Clearly, you are going through. Same goes for the room housing Naima Adedapo, who is magic, Thia Megia, who I resolutely just do not get, Julie Zorilla, also magic and so damn pretty it hurts, and Jovany, who’s fifteen minutes are juuuuussst about up. Who did not know that everyone in that room was going through? So quit your crying, Scotty McCreary. You fucked up all week long but Cecile Frot-Coutaz and the SiNi have already invested too much time and money in you to let you go home this early. On the other hand, in the room with Corey Levoy and Brielle? Oh, you’re ass is going home. Chelsee, or redheaded harpie as Rob and I like to call her, and Frances Coontz who gave the worst sing for your life audition possibly of all time and that is saying something on this show are your roommates? Just turn around and leave as soon as you walk in and see who else is in there. So yeah, boring, despite JLo and her sparkly, sparkly bangles and tap pants. But then . . . oh, but then, kiddies. Then the best thing every happened. Nigel, that crafty white devil, grafted SYTYCD Vegas round onto the end of Hollywood Week and decided to force these sleep deprived famewhores to do a SECOND group night full of only Beatles songs in Sin City with a 24 hour turn around time, possibly in lieu of or in some randomly weird combination with the chair. God dammit this show, y’all! It has its hooks in me so deep. Evil genius is what that is. Give them a nuke, and they’re North Korea.
So anyway, lots of people went through who I won’t care about at all after this week ‘cause we’ll have our Top 24, but right now here’s how I’m feeling. Because I know how much you care, kittens.
These People Could Get Me Back to their Vegas Hotel Room
Julie Zorilla – Sang Love Song in a Julie Zorilla way which is a thing already while managing to bring JLo levels of pretty and yet still somehow be likeable. This girl has the, say it with me, noodles, whatitisness. Delicious
Caleb Hawley – Was tearing up Stevie Wonder and damn I would like some more of that. Yes.
Brett Lowenstern – And you know what? I give up y’all. I tried every way I knew how not to like this kid because there is no way possible that this much need on this show will end well, but he got me. I love this redheaded green apple in a red apple universe and it is going to sting like a bitch watching him implode and watching the world turn on him because AI is like every wretched day in high school ratcheted up to the power of 10 and only the cool kids or the alien babies like Glambert who’ve already come out the other side of where this boy is now make it out alive but right here, right now, I frikkin’ love this kid and at the same time I want it done because do we really need to learn this lesson every single season? Pimps up, hos down. Got it. Can we rest now?
Casey Abrams – Oh noodles, how we enjoy this one, no? I hope he continues to bring it. And an upright bass? OK, this kid wins at life. Georgia On My Mind and goddammit I don’t even care that he totally miffed the lyrics. This white boy has a bucketful of soul and I want me some. Hot diggity damn. That’s the shit right there y’all.
Jacob Lusk – Sang God Bless the Child and he’s way too black choir director to win this show but the fool can blow. He would’ve been huge in 80’s R&B when Luther was ruling the roost. Shut up! Huge. And Ryan kind of loves him which means I also must love him a little bit.
John Wayne Schulz – Kittens, I hadn’t thought about this fool in a month of Sundays. And he was lovely on Landslide. That’s the way to sing a country song, family. Oh, this fool could be huge. Like selling out arenas huge. That’s good stuff.
Also you can throw a couple of other folks up in there like Naima but we didn’t even get to hear her sing for your life solo so suck on that. Because we need to spend time with Jacqueline, or as Rob and I like to call her, blond harpie, and watch her fake an illness rather than get cut for her ass voice and crazy eyes and cheap and tacky dye job and whore chic bible fashion. Or something like that, right? Kittens, just now that I would’ve gone mattress surfing with other kids who have a fair to middling shot to reach top 24, but these are the ones we saw, so that’s what I’m serving.
These People I Might Let Buy Me a Drink, But I’d Be Busting Out My Own Key Card at the End of the Night
Ashthon Jones – Whose eyes were perhaps a wee bit too big for her stomach. She didn’t have quite the voice to go full on JHud on And I Am Telling You, but she brought some fierceness and gave it a good run. Furthermore, I suspect she might have the whatitisness somewhere trapped up in there yearning to break free. I’m gonna keep an eye out for this one.
Jun Bug – Kittens, did he just hit the Janet pose and whisper “Band”? Love! Look, he is living his own rainbow truth right now and he oversings everything all to hell and he’s way too gay for American Idol, but I like this kid. And I’m giving him extra points for how the SiNi are trying to paint him as a villain for kicking the crying, fat kid out of his group on a reality TV show. Please. Jun Bug’s mama didn’t raise no fool. Look, I’ll get to Jacee later, but suffice it to say that if he’d been less fat or less young, the SiNi would not give a fuck and I don’t either. The white glasses frames have got to go, though.
Kendra Chantelle and Sophie Shorai – Who both sang Georgia on My Mind better than Jun Bug, if we’re keeping it real, kiddies. Kendra has a nice, deep tone. And Sophie, well, she was a thrilling surprise. I think her take on this hoary song (that really needs to go to that great Idol closet in the sky) might have been the best of the night but her bare feet were giving me Rose Flack flashbacks so that must stop immediately. Still, these two ladies put it down and I want to see more of them.
Carson Higgins – Who is still funny looking in an unfortunate way but won the My Prerogative war hands down over Gokey 2.0 by bringing it Anoop style whereas Gokey Redux went the Andrew Garcia/Straight Up path and darlings don’t we know which style I prefer? And he turned it out. For a white boy. He’s no Anoop, but really who is?
Colton Dixon – Is like every emo boy on the radio now and completely forgettable and yet he’s innocuous enough and every season needs its Tim.
Lauren Alaina – Is really 93 years old, y’all. I swear. She’s got like a reverse Dorian Gray thing going on. Why is this trick still 15? Why does she dress like a Laughlin, NV hooker? Why can she sing so crazy good? I’m perplexed. Like all good Christians, I denounce Diane Warren and all her works, but she brought it once again on Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing. I’m perplexed. I want to hate, but she’s such a freak show that I just. I’ve decided I’m just going to pretend like the bitch is not 15 because clearly, look at her. I’ve seen retired cocktail waitresses who only worked night shifts at Indian casinos that look younger than this girl. I can’t wait until her birth certificate shows up on Gawker mid-season and it’s revealed that she is 59 and then she has to drop out of the competition and escandalo! Until then, I will enjoy her for her beautiful, beautiful voice and seemingly fun personality.
I Would Cast These People Out of Their Rooms and Into the Dark, Desert Night Because They Don’t Deserve to Have Nice Things
Haley Reinhart – I did not know her at all and she went first. So at this stage of the game, that means she must be good, right? Sadly, darlings, not right. Quite wrong, in fact. Shout-y, loud is the new good crap. And Summertime does not need that. Billie would be spinning in her grave.
Thia Megia – I still just don’t get it. I mean, What a Wonderful World is the best she’s ever done and she’s still just manufactured Disney Channel Selena/Miley whatever. That girl in that wacky tacky alphabet sweater is not a star.
Chris Medina – Couldn’t you have guessed that Gokey 2.0 would pull some cheesy stuff like giving My Prerogative the Andrew Garcia treatment? Ewww. He is so gross in his entire being. I just can’t absorb all that bullshit and nappy hair. We only saw a snippet of Gokey 2.0 which means that the shit was foul and wrong and they still put him through anyway to see what nasty ass version of the frikkin’ heart hand will spew forth from him. Sigh. I tire already, noodles. I started out liking FG because say what you will about his stank personality, he has a gorgeous voice which he chooses to use for evil and the more evil he got, the hotter he got and I’m still trying to puzzle that one through. But this idiot I already hate. I hate him. I hate the handi-capable girlfriend. I hate the stupid Chris Sligh hair. I hate the mediocre voice and the whole package. Where else is there to go? Kittens, for my own sanity, I may have to do an I Refuse on this one until he leaves my screen which I pray will be very, very soon or I might have to hurt someone.
Robbie Rosen – I gave in on Brett Lowenstern. I’ve resorted to living in a fantasy world in my head where Lauren Alaina is a 537 year old Time Lord just so I can like her. But this on? No. I will not be won over, even though he sings so pretty and I liked him so much better on the piano. He has a muppet head y’all and his big, giant alien face all up in my face being 16 at me all the god damn time and I just know I’m gonna have to put up with some of the bullshit kids from the Mickey and Judy Put on a Show/Stage Mothers from Hell group and I just cannot. I can’t with this one. Sorry, Robbie Rosen. Something’s gotta motherfucking give.
Stefano Langone and Jovany Barreto – Are both still cute as buttons and both still cannot really sing. Poor Stefano. Stevie kicked his ass. And Jovany. Singing Marc Antony? Again? Unacceptable. Dismissed. The both of you. JLo will just have to get by without her man candy.
Jacee Badeaux and Scotty McCreary – Both sounded and looked so tired, kittens, and shit hasn’t even really begun yet. They both made terrible song choices. I Hope You Dance? Scotty, baby. No. Cookie Monster’s coronation song? Now I know Jacee has taken full leave of his senses. Please send these poor babies home. It’s time for them to go. I want to see neither the big eared, awkward one nor the fat crying kid on my TV screen crying and forgetting they lyrics and singing off key and just being generally not terribly but not that good for the next several weeks. And family, you know y’all will vote for them should they make it that far. Because voting for them is voting for America and apple pie and everybody gets a trophy and trying is just as good as doing and lots of bullshit that is just not true but is a part of the lies we tell ourselves to make us feel good about the fact that in this culture fat crying kids and big eared, awkward kids don’t win things because we are really vain and shallow 90% of the time and the other 10% we want the smart kid who is ugly but useful. So, yeah. No.
Ashley Sullivan – I just hope the show realizes that this girl is not Cute Crazy. She’s not Tati D., train wreck crazy. She’s not white trash, meth head on Jerry Springer crazy. She’s not self absorbed needy crazy like Norman Gentle. She’s not delusional Brittenum Twins crazy. She’s not any of those kinds of crazies which are gross and wrong to parade across the television landscape for our amusement but part of the devil’s bargain that all of us who watch this show enter into every season. Ashley Sullivan is Ugly Crazy. She’s the kind of crazy that will snap and kill them all. She is the kind of crazy that will fuck you up. And she has and Iraq vet boyfriend who probably has PTSD and easy access to military grade weapons. I just hope the show realizes that.
Vegas Beatles Group Night Number 2-pacalypse
Bring it! Kittens, I will be in my room salivating.
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