Noodles, Nashville was kind of uninspired, no? I mean, don’t get me wrong, there were a more than acceptable number of decent auditions. Steven Tyler continues to be delightful. JLo, in addition to the virgin blood, is on some serious Dorian Grey shit because the bitch looks better and better and better by the week. And the Dawg is still an ass. Sigh. And they were at the Ryman which is awesome. But it failed to movie me, kittens. Did the earth move for you? Before we dive into tonight’s new Idol-mania, let’s jump in our way back machine and see what we remember about last Wednesday. I damn sure remember that my Ry-Ry was still rocking the weekend casual and I cannot wait to get him back to the Kodak and into the bespoke suits because I miss my sleekly metrosexual pocket gay so, so much.
These People Need to Stop
Christina McCaffrey – Stop it. With your frosted green eye shadow and your Bonne Belle lipgloss and your all of all and your crazy. Just stop it. I Hope You Dance? How about I hope you stop singing? And Randy, you can’t just laugh and say “Really?” and then demand to be paid money for judging this show. Dammit, man, you are a professional. Thank heavens JLo is here now to call him on his shit.
Fat girl in Victoria’s Secret panties? No. Steven Tyler croaking like a velociraptor? No.
Male Tattoo Sleeve – I cannot. I mean, kittens, I cannot. Make it stop. And did everyone else notice that Steven Tyler was so not interested in Nashville. Did someone lower his meds?
Stormy Henley – Miss Teen USA? Seriously? See, I can say that, darlings, because I am just a humble recapper. Also, there’s more. She’s a beautiful girl, but is she gonna win a show where tween girls have to vote for her each week? We all now the answer to that one, don’t we? So she sang some Jesus song, Father Can You Hear Me, which neither I nor Mandisa know anything about and it was passable but nothing to write home about and can’t she just go sing praise music at her local church? I bet she’d be really good at that. Darlings, if I could’ve crawled into the TV and kissed that shiny, shiny punim, I’d have bussed JLo for saying no to this more than middle of the road singer. Her voice is just not good enough. Sigh. At least she wasn’t wearing a bikini? There’s that, I guess.
Kameela Merricks – Steven Tyler finally woke up and had something to say about this deluded girl murdering Chaka, so I’m gonna go ahead and let him take it. “ You know you really don’t have a good voice at all.” Thanks, Steven Tyler. We know.
Younique (Latoy Moore) – I refuse. But I will say that Randy’s lack of professionalism last week was out of control. Family, was he always like this? I don’t think so, no? He is a jackass. Someone needs to yank his chain because he is not right nearly often enough to rock the “Simon-I’m-a-dick-but-I’m-right-so-it’s-OK-that-I’m-a-dick” thing.
Matt Dillard – Was on my bad side from the jump. Don’t trot out the special needs kids. Sob story. That’s an automatic sob story. Besides, these hicks are probably running a welfare scam. So he sang You Raise Me Up, a bold and unexpected song choice to be sure, in a just so-so manner. I’ll grant him minimal points since he at least was able to diagnose what the problems with the song were, but JLo was right again. Some more. The audition was not strong enough. Clearly he has a seed of something, but this is not American Development Deal Candidate. It’s American Idol and we are supposed to be looking for a star which he is not.
These People May Carry On
Chelsee Oakes and Rob Bolin - Kittens, these two do not look like they go together at all. At all. The hotness differential between the two of them is off the charts. And you could tell that while he might enjoy getting back up in that, she most decidedly would not. Still, they sounded divine together,no? And as soloists? Rob is the shit, y’all. Love that husky timbre in his voice. Kittens, he tore up What’s Goin On. Chelsee sang the song that reminds me of Lacey (The Story) and her crazy red hair and terrible, nails on a chalkboard voice and that’s not a good thing but she had a quirky, interesting voice. Of the two of them, I’d bet folding money he goes farther than she does. As far as the love story goes, darlings, all I can say is whatever. This is not Flavor of Love.
Adrian Beasley – Noodles, let’s just start by acknowledging that the weave is tragic. But then we met Freddie and Carolyn and they are all over adorable but looking at them don’t we totally get the weave now? Alright, then. And in the grand scheme of things the weave doesn’t even matter. Bad hair can be fixed. Well, not by the trannys in hair and make up on this show, but by someone. And bottom line, she has a gorgeous voice. Pure country. I love how much Steven Tyler loves the kids who are good. And when she called her dad who was tickled? Aww. We love her. Love. That’s how you do a backstory as opposed to a sob story.
Side note: And here’s where Steven Tyler started taking in that crazy way that is the only way he has about how he was surely feeling like we’d have all the winners from right here in Nashville. All the winners? Oh, Steven Tyler. You do know there’s only one winner, right?
Jackie Wilson – That was cramazing. This girl can straight up blow. I want to see much more of her. Immediately. And yet, I worry, kiddies. The Target denim mini paired with that tragic t-shirt? The Supercuts hairdo? A style intervention is in order. The tween vote, especially in this, the year of Bieber Hunt, will be all important and I’m just not seeing how Jackie gets there. On a whole other note, noodles, I’m with Ryan in that I totally thought the old dude waiting outside the audition room was her father. Incest on Idol really would be a bridge too far.
I had mixed feelings on the audition three pack. Paul McDonald sounded a lot like Rod Stewart on his rendition of Maggie May but in a fresh and interesting way, not in a I will milk my aging voice for all it’s worth by making standards albums of exponentially diminishing returns way. I enjoy him. Jimmie Allen, I did not enjoy. He was cheesy and loud. And men? Skinny jeans. No. Danny Pate did a damn fine job with Papa was a rolling stone. Funky, funky white boy. We got a couple of ‘em this year, kittens.
Lauren Alaina – 15 year olds. Fuck. The show is trying to make me lose my mind. And darlings, why does this one look 30 while the parents look 15? And why is she so, so , so fake? The dramatic face grab whilst recounting the Saga of Holly, Tragic Cancer Cousin? Bitch, please. I hate this girl intensely. And yet . . . and yet. There she was singing my favorite Faith and Tim song, Like we Never Loved At All, and knocking it out of the park. And then bringing in her baby faced family and Holly, Tragic Cancer Cousin so that they all could be all cute with my favorite new toy, Steven Tyler and she could turn it out again on that horrible asteroid song from minion of Satan, Diane Warren. Noodles, She can really sing. Still hate her but this one is a comer.
And now we’re mercifully done with Nashville. I barely remember what happened and I just finished writing about it. Bleagh. But on to the next city, kittens. Each night begins the new day?
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