Noodles, we have a quality control problem brewing. Did they really let that hyperventilating Liverpool teen through after croaking out a version of The Climb even worse than Miley Cyrus, candidate for worst live performer in history, would’ve been embarrassed by? The chicken dancing girl who was fake in love with the most openly in the closet gay man in America? She gets a golden ticket? Braid Bang? You have got to be frikkin’ kidding me. Hollywood Week is gonna be a massacre.
That was a perfectly pleasant hour of reality TV. Steven Tyler showed up in yet another of his fetchingly zany hats and continued to freely use crazy as an adverb meaning “very” which y’all know I appreciate. JLo wore sparkly pants and was brilliant last night (though she almost ruined it all by letting Marc Anthony out of his coffin during daylight hours. Glass must be light tight. Hmmmph) And Ryan was much better turned out, rocking the sports coat with the jeans. And yet, like munching on a big bowl of ramen noodles, noodles, last night’s AI provided no real nutritional value. Sigh. I think I’ve reached the part of the early episodes where I’m just ready to get it on. It’s the same as it ever was. Good people, lousy people. Awesome people, awesomely delusional people. And through it all, the Dawg, the crack monkeys, the trannys and hos abide. And us, family. We go on. So let’s get to what Austin served up last night. I mean, aside from a heaping helping of cowboy cliches that were sad for us all.
Cowboys Ain’t Easy to Love
Day one and day two in Austin gave us plenty of losers to loathe. We got baby gays with tragic mohawks (Rodolfo Ochoa! Gays of Austin, please take this boy in hand. He’s so cute and so misguided) We got an almost naked Shauntel Campos whose song I cannot even recall as I was so worried about her and her certain to be on the way soon yeast infection. Put some clothes on young lady! We got some big faced boy named Caleb screaming at me in a vaguely DeWyze-ian way and I did not like it one little bit. (And PS, Cecile Frot-Coutaz. You will never, ever, ever, ever make that Lee version of Beautiful Day happen. Please stop trying. We’re embarrassed for you) We got a hatless Steven Tyler on day 2 which was somewhat disappointing but then he made fun of JLo and tried to pull his entire face off and that just showed that hattless or hatted he is one crazy motherfucker which makes me so, so happy and kittens, why can’t we just have a show of nothing but Steven Tyler’s non-sequiturs about his days as a druggie and then cursing about what a fucking great day it is? Wouldn’t it be nice? Oh also, they had crap auditions that we had to sit through from beginning to end. Let’s talk about those, shall we?
Hollie Cavanagh from Liverpool – Steven Tyler noted that she was all over the place with the melody. JLo worried about whether this girl was ready after listening to her butcher Etta’s At last. Even Randy noticed that she went through about eight different keys in that song. And then JLo had her sing again. Why, JLo? Why? Can we blame it on Marc? So this girl can’t sing and she’s not even really all that cute, just kind of pathetic and for a British person her British accent sucked ass and this is not I Feel Sorry for You Idol so I don’t want her on my show. And kiddies, she’ll be gone in 60 seconds once she gets to Hollywood, so let’s not waste any more time on her. Mkay?
Courtney Penry – At one point during this audition, JLo talked about laying in the cut for someone and watching the Bronx/On the 6 Jenny from the block peek out of her was the absolute best thing about this entire 5 minutes of this show. Because this girl? Is a carny freak. And she’s so fake and so “Look at me. Look at me! LOOK AT MEEEEEEE!!! And family, I’m exhausted by just her whole existence. I’ll give her a small point for her appreciation of my Ryan (But really, girlfriend is barking up the wrong tree and it would be kind of sad if that whole crush hadn’t been manufactured in Miss Thing’s basement Get Me On TV Lair. She is not slick) And I suppose she sang Sugarland’s Stay just fine. She could work it out as a back up singer or in some honky tonk in the greater Austin metroplex. But she’s not your American Idol. And Randy, when have you ever known this show to help any singer break his or her bad habits? Alright then.
Jacqueline Dunford and Nick Fink – No. Just ugh. And no. Was it supposed to be tongue in cheek? Because it just came off as really annoying. And are we supposed to be charmed by these two whimsical, crazy kids now? Because, darlings, I just wanted to slap them really hard in the mouth kinda like when Sally Field gets invited to slap Shirley McClaine in that scene in Steel Magnolias where she has just buried her daughter Julia Roberts and she is in the graveyard completely losing her shit and acting her ass off while Olympia Dukakis and Darryl Hannah make with the funny and bring the pathos respectively and Dolly Parton is all kinds of amazing and where do you think she learned to act like that anyway? What? Oh yeah, I wanted to slap these annoying kids. And Jacqueline Dunford, what the hell with the side braid bang? And the flowered spandex mini? I think I had that same dress. In 1993. Stay out of your mama’s closet. Noodles, I don’t even really know if they can sing. I vaguely recall thinking her Mercy was just OK, with some distinctly wonky, too high for her notes thrown in there. Nick’s Sunday Morning was better. Not that I think he’s a great singer, but he had some panache. Both of them seem a perfect fit for the community college choir, but neither one’s a star. And together, they are the most saccharine and annoying two headed love beast on the planet. I’d be amazed if either one makes the show.
My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys
Sandwiched into the three pack of moon faced Caleb and the half naked girl, there was a boy singing Luther’s House Is not a Home. Tearing it down. He might have been my favorite of the night and I don’t even know his name, kittens! But I would like to see more of him. Wouldn’t you? And there were other good folks, too. Discuss.
Corey Levoy –So what about the long lost sister? You’ve just described every ghetto family in America. Who doesn’t have a secret sibling? Is she Oprah? No? Wrap it up then. Honestly, kiddies, this kid did not win me over with his voice. His I Can’t Make You Love Me was countrified all to hell and his tone had a nice country twang, but that nasally tone is gonna grate after a few weeks. And all the runs! Great googly moogly! Sing a note and hold it, just straight. I was on run overload. But then came the high voice conversation and the JLo booty and doing the Running Man and the whole Gay country singer and you know what? Let’s do this, America. With DADT and gay marriage wending it’s way up to the Supreme Court, it’s time for the gay agenda to catch up with AI and the country music heartland. And if Corey Levoy could cause a little crack in the country music homophobia wall, well then I could like this kid. A lot.
John Wayne Schulz – See what I mean, noodles? Year of the homo. Dad starts out busting on my beautiful pocket gay. And yet. And yet. He was won over by the fabulousness that is Ryan Seacrest. By the end of the audition, John Wayne here was picking Ryan up and twirling him around in his arms like the end of some romantic comedy and then Ryan was turning around and doing the same to dad leading to belt buckle damage to his dainty hands and while I’m sure that’s not the first time a belt buckle has left a mark on his delicate white skin, it probably wasn’t on the hand the last time it happened. I was Bored by all the salt of the earth, country bullshit backstory. But his Believe by Brooks and Dunn was sung really well. He’s still a big old bag of producer pimping and bullshit and I will be sick of him after Songs from the Year of Your Birth week. But he won me over the minute he picked up my Ryan.
Janelle Arthur – Was altogether pleasant. Her voice on Syrup and Honey had a purity and a lightness that was pleasing to the ear. And she’s very easy on the eyes, is she not? I would appreciate having a countrified female contestant that I could enjoy this season (see La Underwood or even the Pickle) rather than a rage inducing cliché monger who caterwauls and screeches her way through twangy renditions of pop classics (I still hate you Colonel Kristie Lee. So, so much). Could this girl be the one, noodles? I’m not convinced. She seems awfully low key and in a sea of 15 year old drama factories just waiting to claim the country spot and black country queens who can actually sing this time, well Janelle here might slip right through the cracks.
Casey Abrams – I Don’t Need No Doctor. So this kid is right up Steven Tyler’s alley and let me tell you, Steven Tyler was loving it! The kid was so good that Steven Tyler didn’t even start banging on the table and hooting along with the contestant like some in tune Howler monkey. And was that JLo lifting up the gospel hand? Oh, Lopez! I think you just made up for inlficting Marc Anthony on an unsuspecting world last night. So yeah, this kid Casey has got the goods. He even threw in a little scatting. What? Toss another funky, funky white boy in the barbie, kittens.
Did we really get through Austin with no 15 year olds? Kittens, I think that automatically makes Austin my favorite audition city to date. Can we possibly get that lucky two nights in a row? Most likely not, but hope springs eternal.
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