American Idol S10 Semifinals Ep 3 Take a Look at Me Now

Blood on the Idol floor, Noodles! This Semi-finals Results night was brutal. Cut after cut after cut from the nattily dressed Ryan with not even a Ford Pimpmercial or a group sing pointy pose to provide some much needed relief. And then a million forced sing for your life moments only broken up by JLo warbling over the theme music to Lambada: The Forbidden Dance. That was highly stressful! And yet not, no? I mean, darlings, were there any shocks from amongst those pairings about who got through and who didn’t? Haley was a mild surprise, but most of the rounds, it was clear from the moment Ryan called the kids out to center stage who was going through and who was going home. But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. There’s a long way to go and a lot of filler to wade through before we get to your Top 13, so let’s start at the very beginning. A very good place to start.


Family, this show has gotten so, so pretty. In fact, the concentrated pretty in the Idoldome was perhaps not even legal when you take into account Ryan and JLo and Julie Z. and Ashthon and Stefano and Naima and just oh, my! There was a lot of pretty up on that stage. Pretty dressed in crackho craziness which became apparent as the kids and the judges came out and oh my gosh what was JLo wearing? Kittens, black capri leggings are always a bad choice unless you are in a production of Grease. And I don’t even know what to say about the bustier. It’s like she took the remnants of her green Grammy dress and wrapped them around her torso and said good enough.

(Note: I need to take a break from my fashion run down because did Lauren A. just make the fucking heart hands? Oh, no she di’in’t. Lauren A., do not make me have to put you down now that I’ve finally made my peace with liking you)

Back to fashion. Why did Steven Tyler steal one of JLo’s blouses to wear on the show tonight?

OK, now we’re done with fashion. But not done with Steven Tyler. Darlings, why did he refuse to pick a better set of performances? Dude, you are a judge. Why do you think the show is paying you? To pick shit! So give it up. This is the first time this season that I missed the hell out of Simon.

And now we entered out million miles of fluff. Kittens, did you all watch last night? I watched, too. So let’s not with the performance recaps. Suffice it to say that the boys clip package was cute. The girls clip package was tragic. And Brett is the burnt rainbow cookie with frosting on top of my soul. Awwww, I’m going to miss that little red apple, kiddies. It’s amazing how he tore down my wall of pre-hate. I’m actually kind of glad that he didn’t make it on the show where his slow burn breakdown would have forced me all the way back around to hating him again.

Cry and Cut

Family, getting down to the Top 10 was predictable yet brutal, no? There were tears. Some of them were even mine. And to make the rejects just keep sitting on the uncomfortable silver stools all night long? Diabolical. Let’s go round by round and say a fond farewell to the famewhores who we love so much right now but won’t remember in a couple of weeks.

Boys Top 5

Scotty v. Robbie in Round One

Was anyone worried that Scotty would not be in the Top 10? No? Alright then. That was a waste of five minutes. But that Scotty McCreery is such a well mannered young man. The big head muppet? Not so much.

Clint v. Jordan v. Jovany in Round 2

This one was a little bit harder, as I was surprised that any of these fools might go through. If I had to choose from this group, I’d have gone with Junbug, who was about to have a serious breakdown y’all. And Jordan did the one nice thing in his entire life by giving him a little hug. But nobody would’ve voted for any of them had they made it into the Top 10. Well done, America.

Tim vs. Casey vs. Jacob in Round Three

And the gentleman continued to be boring. Kiddies, as soon as this trio came up to bat with only Scotty sitting over on the stools of safety, it became obvious Tim was going home and the other two were going through. No suspense at all on that one.

Brett v. Paul in Round Four

At this point, I felt like it had been going on forever. Alas, kittens, Brett o’ my heart was going home. Stay gold, little cookie. Stay gold.

Stefano vs. James in Round Five

Hello, temporary loss of my mancandy. And in favor of Tourette’s. Bitches. One and all.

Girls Top 5

Pia v. Lauren A. in Round One

Huh. They tried to fake us out (poorly) but it was obvious they were both going through. The SiNi’s manipulations were showing here.

Ta-Tynisa vs. Julie Z. in Round Two

Huh. Let’s just replay the Clint/Jordan/Jovany round, shall we? And noodles, Julie clearly didn’t learn anything from last night because she said she’d sing Breakaway again if she had the chance and just add guitar. Stupid girl. Thank god, she’s pretty.

Kendra v. Ashthon v. Karen in Round Three

My money was on Karen here, but I couldn’t be sure. Kittens, I saw a lot of “old fashioneds” out there on the internets plus Kendra went in to the lion’s den against Xtina and came out alive and Ashthon, well, yeah I got nothing. But what do I know? Apparently, I know a lot because Karen went through.

Naima vs. Thia v. Lauren T. in Round Four

And now we come to the only barn burner of the night. I wanted two out of the three to go through, but as soon as Naima went out first, I realized that the worst was going to come to pass. Poor Naima. Song choice will bite you in the ass every time. And kittens, can anybody please explain to me what the fuck is it with Thia? I just don’t. I mean, I can’t . I’m . . . no. Bite me, America.

Haley v. Rachel in Round Five

Haley making it through on America’s vote was kind of a shocker. But honestly, kittens, by this point, I was too numb to care.

America’s Top 5

Girls: Lauren A., Karen, Pia, Thia, Haley

Boys: Casey, Jacob, James, Scotty, Paul

And how was my batting average on my predictions, darlings? Well, I nailed the girls except Haley, who stole Lauren T.’s spot. And the boys? Well, I nailed that one, too. I had Brett in Jacob’s place. Let my heart get the better of my head on that one. Still and all, not bad.

Wildcard Performances

The judges wildcard picks? Impenetrable. Ashthon over Lauren T.? Jovany over Brett? Sigh.

Ashthon Jones/And I Am Telling You – Sorry, babe. You don’t have the voice for this song. You are the Dina, not the Effie. That was shouty and still not very good. And that last “me”? Yeah, she’s no JHud.

Stefano Langone/I Need You Know – Aw, my cupcake did so well. Good song choice. Very smart. He can do the low key, R&B crooner. And this song didn’t ask his voice to do some things that he can’t do. It took me half the song to realize it was a Jesus song but whatever. He brought the goods. Wildcard, party of one? Yes! He did the damn thing.

Kendra Chantelle/Georgia on My Mind – Good song choice again. But babydolls, oooh, she started way too low. She was scraping along the bottom of her register and it was not pleasant. It got better once she got up into her head voice on the chorus. Truth? She has a beautiful voice, but no real presence on that stage. She’s not a star. Pretty. Good voice. Not a star. Do I think she should have gone through over Ashthon? Duh. But objectively, do I think she should have gone through? Eh. Not really.

Jovany Barretto/Angel – Dammit, JLo. Nobody else wants to fuck this kid but you. We didn’t need to play a game of “Let’s listen to this fool be boring some more.” Hasn’t he noticed that Jon Secada is not a star these days? There’s a reason for that. And he was so pitchy and off and Karen already did the bilingual thing better than him the night before. And kittens, what was with the five o’ clock shadow/no mustache combo? Eww? Ha! JLo hated it. She couldn’t even mount a defense. What a wasted choice.

Naima Adedapo/For All We Know – I’m still pulling for this one, noodles, but on this song she was just off. Maybe a little flat. Sliding into some of those notes. It was just OK. Again. Some more. I’m sorry, kittens. I am no longer impressed with Miss Adedapo.

Robbie Rosen/Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word – Fuck me. The big headed muppet? Pulled it off. Great song. And he sounded really good. Darlings, by the time he was done, I believed this fool was going to get through. He put his foot in that song and he earned his ticket to the finals. Luckily, Idol, much like life, isn’t fair and thus we’re all spared having to look at this fool for the next seven hundred months.

JLo’s new video? I refuse.

And so we wound up with Ashthon (eww), Naima (OK), and Stefano (Yay!) to round up our Top 13. And that’s where we stand, kittens. Dice are rolling. The knives are out. I can’t see any way this doesn’t wind up some kind of Casey/Lauren A. death match, but America surprises me every season.