As Ryan could so adorably not say at all last night, laissez les bon temps rouler, darlings. AI is on a roll right now. I know it’s only two episodes in and we’ve been burned before, but all props to Cecile Frot-Coutaz and the SiNi because they’ve managed this reboot masterfully thus far. Steven Tyler is a monument to crazy and debauched lechery and he can somehow make incest, BDSM, superstar blow jobs and narcissism endearing all while wearing a tiny, feather adorned top hat. Bless. JLo must be bathing in virgin blood every night the bitch looks so dewy and luminous. And the Dawg is . . . there. And substantially less annoying than he used to be? That’s something.
And the talent? Well, kittens, the talent on display last night was through the roof. I’m not in love with all seven Golden Ticket holders we saw. In fact, some of them are highly problematic. But those problems don’t stem from poor vocals and that’s a huge thing, no? Not one kid went through who couldn’t sing at least a little. Maybe the vocal stylings were not to my taste or the voice didn’t set the world on fire, but they were all pleasant, and a few of them were downright awesome.
And the production was on point. They kept the costumes and Mardi Gras shenanigans down to a minimum. They showed a baby faced, S4 Ryan at his absolute most adorable. They worked Amos Moses into the episode score which calls for major props. They only had one slave plantation reference, which showed major restraint. The train wreck auditions were mercifully few and far between.
Don’t let the smooth taste fool you, family. There was still lots to hate on in the Big Easy and we’ll get there. But for me for you, for now, I’m definitely feeling that old feeling again
Down in New Orleans, Land of Dreams
Jordan Dorsey – Is a music teacher. And he’s so sweet and well mannered and his family is love and full of full figured black women as only the south can make them who called Ryan out for the wee pocket sprite that he is and it was just all so cute and then they went and plopped an adorable child on top to sing Jordan’s praises and it could’ve all gone so very, very wrong, couldn’t it noodles? But then the best thing ever happened because it didn’t go wrong at all. Instead, it all went very, very right. This gorgeous creature stepped into the room and sang one of the most played out, cliché songs in the Idol catalogue, Over the Rainbow, and he did what? He made it his own. RIP, Pau-Pau. This kid is straight up gold. What’s not to love? Nothing? OK, then. Kittens, it’s been so long since a black man had even a whisper of a hint of a chance to come close to being your next American Idol. Could the long, post-Ruben dry spell finally be over? I don’t know. I’ve been born by smooth singing soul crooners before. But this kid seems like he could be legit. Jordan Dorsey has got the what it is-ness.
Sarah Sellers – Is gorgeous in an unexpected and understated way. Her mouth is gorgeous, although we did not need to ponder whether or not Steven Tyler was her illegitimate papa, Randy and the whole vibe made Steven Tyler hitting on her skeevy in a way that his normal pervy tendencies have not been to date. On the flip side, she’s a blogger. Hey, girl, hey. And her rendition of Make You Feel My Love was the hotness. You had me sold from the moment you laid eyes on me. Amen, Steven Tyler. Amen. She may not be pop enough to win this show. Kiddies, I think we may be looking at the Brooke or the Didi Benami of the season. But since I loved Brooke and Didi, I’m good with that.
Paris Tassin – Darlings, don’t you know how much mama wanted to hate all over this girl and her special needs baby? Sob story. Teen mom. Bored now. But then she forced me to kind of love her through the sheer force of her complete and total awesomeness during her audition right up to and including acknowledging that her nerves led her to slaughter the last notes of La Underwood’s Temporary Home all to hell even though the judges didn’t notice through their tears. I had no idea this girl would be that good. Beautiful girl, beautiful voice. Wow. She doesn’t even need the sob story. I’m mad at the sob story. If they keep it up, I’ll wind up hating Paris more than Frikkin’ Gokey and it won’t matter how often they trot out the cute little special needs daughter so that JLo can plant a loving kiss on her forehead while wearing a fetching trench coat. Let us fall in love with her voice and her (seemingly) sweet personality. Leave the sob story at home.
Gonna Set Your Flag on Fire
Jovany Barreto – Is very cute, but not nearly as cute as he thinks he is. And Mark Anthony is his personal idol? Oh, baby, no. He sang Contigo en la Distancia in a very specific, Latin Pop kind of way and I suppose he did alright. I can see him carving out a place for himself somewhere between Luis Mi and Chayenne. He’s probably not right for the English language pop market, though. And noodles, was it just me, or was this kid giving off a distinctly Loud PR Boy vibe? And of course he’s got a lot of making up to do for inflicting Randy Jackson belly on an unsuspecting world. My god, I’m blind. My eyes. My eyes!
Jacquelyn Dupree – So this girl was wholly unremarkable. She did Carrie’s version of I’ll Stand By You. (La Underwood had a banner evening, no?) She’s probably never heard of The Pretenders. She has a decent voice that she clearly has no idea what to do with. The only reason she got so much play is because Steven Tyler took her uncle to the paddle play place and forced us all to contemplate whether Randy’s ass is, in fact, so big that it would break a paddle like a toothpick. Thank you, Jacquelyn. Thank you. You’re dismissed. Although I will say that knowing Randy is from Baton Rouge explains a lot. A lot. Country ass.
Brett Loewenstern – Is such a special little snowflake and way too tragic to be on my TV right now. His Bohemian Rhapsody was lovely and his folks are my new favorite folks ever. The dad looks like a real life Burt Hummel. But seriously, y'all? He is way too It Gets Better to go on this show. He doesn't know mocking yet. Wait until Vote for the Worst gets hold of him. And he's so everything in your face all the time, which makes sense because he's 16, but I am exhausted just looking at him, kittens. I did enjoy him and Steven Tyler just being all freaky at each other and clucking like chickens. But in general? Nope. Don't want him on the show long enough that he'll get that John Stevens "get me out of this death camp please god no more Gloria Estefan night" glare. He should go somewhere and make whiny YouTube videos for a couple of years and then come back and see me. Fucking teens. Gah.
Jacee Badeaux – May be 15, but he looks 10. He sang Sitting on the Dock of the Bay and , you know, he has a beautiful voice, but when it changes once he starts puberty, he’s gonna be fucked. Kittens, we all know that Hollywood is going to mess him up as he's not, how do you say? A traditional looking pop idol. I mean, he’s so fat he couldn’t even jump for joy when they gave him his Golden Ticket. He seems like a such a sweet child and he has a voice like an angel. Why put him through the AI fame grinder? It’s grotesque.
I’m Glad to Be, Yesiree, In the Land of Reverie
37 Golden Tickets in just one day? Not bad Nawlins. There were other folks beside the golden seven, but really we can break them down into a few key lessons, many of which we’ve learned before. Dudes, don’t sing bitch songs. (That’s for you, Mick Jagger mouth) Parents, don’t send your kids to Idol Camp unless you want them to turn out to be pathetic. Dudes, don’t sing bitch songs. (That’s for you, too, Alex Attardo) If you come to your AI audition in an elaborate costume, you will be winding up in a loser’s montage. These are the eternal truths, kittens.
As is only right, let’s close with a Tylerism: “You know what they say about a little hat? It’s good for a little head.” What does that mean in this context, noodles? What does it ever mean? It’s a tale told by a fool, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. It’s the what it is-ness. Jump in it.
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