SYTYCD S7 Ep9 On Front Street

Do you hear the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, noodles? They must be close because TBC has flipped the script and become my favorite dancer this season, Tyce produced a Broadway routine that was not complete and utter crap without even an ounce of redeeming value, Mandy Moore produced a better dance routine than Travis Wall, the trick happy ballroom choreographers made me long for the subtlety of Alex da Silva, the choreographers continue to attempt to murder this season’s contestants one by one like villains in an Agatha Christie novel, and Cat and her pulled from 1971 fishtail braid were kind of annoying last night. Kittens, it’s the end of the world as we know it. But do we feel fine? Let’s find out.

Many, many of these dancers got totally exposed last night. There was some blood on that dance floor. There were honestly only two dancers who survived both routines unscathed last night, and they’re the two who are the two who have any chance at winning the show this season, Kent and Lauren (still blonde but significantly less annoyingly toothy and cheerleader-ish).

Exposed – Lauren got a big ole butt (Oh, yeah)

I’m mad at the judges putting a Tahitian dance on the show. Yes, I realize that unlike “African jazz” or “Lyrical”, Polynesian dancing is an actual thing. But the point, darlings, is that no one on the show, not the judges, not the contestants, not the audience, knows what it should look like. So how can we judge the quality of the performance? TBC shook her moneymaker for all she was worth and to my mind, it looked more like the Beyonce booty shake from Crazy in Love than something I’d see at the Maui Hilton, but what do I know? Exactly, noodles. So there was a dance. There were a lot of hips and knees and shaking. Mark looked amazing all naked from the waist up and covered in tribal tattoos (Thanks, crackhos!). The judges didn’t know what to say about the performance which took Nigel right to the creepy perv place and it was just as ewwww and awkward as ever. The choreographer wore a flower in her hair and OK, Polynesian people we get it. You are a tropical people. Stop with the flowers. And then it was all over. I don’t know, kiddies, unless I’m watching The Brady Bunch episode where they all go to Hawaii, I really don’t need to see modified hula on my TV screen.

Luckily, Mandy rode to the rescue, with her tennis shoe props and laid it down. Best routine of the night, noodles! How can one not groove to Boogie Shoes? Family, TBC turned it out here. Funky, funky white girl. That bouncy, side by side groove she had going with Billy? So much fun. Surprise! I love this girl a really lot. She’s leapfrogged both Billy and Kent as my number one choice to win it all. Which of course means that she won’t. But a girl can dream, no?

Exposed – You can take the boy out of the bell tower, but you can’t take the Hunchback out of the boy.

So this is ostensibly about Kent, but due to the fatal flaw of the season, the inclusion of “all star” dancers, we must, must deal with the Neil situation. The Hunchback was back in full effect in that Tyce Broadway piece. (And at the very least, he didn’t go with Chicago. Probably only because Joey got there first, but still) The bad posture? Check. Lack of musicality? Check. Lack of transitions between tumbling passes? Check? Inability to not fall out of even simple double turns? Check. Nigel was right that Kent looked like the all star in that routine, but primarily because Neil looked so, so bad. The routine was not good. But it’s Tasty and it was Broadway, so what could one expect?

Kent danced well last night, but he was not well served by his choreographers. We did not enjoy the Dee Casprey contemporary, noodles. Too much business with the stupid chairs. Too much quirk and crimp with the movements. The boys barely had a chance to live and breathe through the moves before Dee’s mad choreo put them into another broken down doll position. Kent delivered as well as he could. He’s a marvelous technician. And he has been doing better at turning off the Wapokeneta Kid persona. I still like him and think he could win. And I’d be OK with that. But he’s definitely slipped to second for me.

Exposed – Billy Bell is a great contemporary dancer and that’s really about it.

Kittens, Billy was not made for this competition. Not that many could have rescued a jive choreographed to Paradise by the Dashboard Light. (Et tu, Louis?) But still, it wasn’t very good. As long as he and Anya were doing side by side work, he was passable, although what he was doing didn’t look very much like jive, but the closed hold work was excrable. Darlings, this boy is just not built for ballroom. Contrast the kind of fish out of water performance he turned in for that ballroom with his fine work in Mandy’s jazz piece. I never knew that little white boy had that much soul. Grooving through those bouncy steps, knees akimbo. Plucking out some groovy air guitar. There were even a few believably saucy pelvic thrusts. And as Shankdaddy pointed out, he looked like he was having fun and enjoying himself for one of the first times ever on this show. As much as I wanted Billy to make top 10, I now don’t believe that this format is the right way to showcase his abundance of gifts. Somehow, his particular brand of genius, so alien, so almost delicately twisted, doesn’t easily translate. I have no doubt he’ll be hugely successful in the real world of dance. But I highly doubt he’ll come close to sniffing the S7 crown. Nor should he, kiddies. I love him, but not for this show.

Exposed – Robert still dances like a competition kid and the judges fucking love dead or sick people

Sigh. I can’t anymore with Robert, kiddies. Yes, he’s taken the mugging down about 1000 notches. Yes, he’s got a solid foundation of technique and training. But he’s the most no there there dancer I’ve ever seen. Let’s start by acknowledging that Travis’ choreography, and his fine use of one of the only Coldplay songs I can stomach, Fix You, was lovely. Let’s also acknowledge, noodles, that the routine was far from the best of this or any other season. Hell, it wasn’t even the best of the night. But as ever since Mia unleashed the unholy Dead Daddy Dance on an unsuspecting world, it’s become illegal to critique a dance which deals with death, disease or illness in any way, the judges all decided to pretend that there hadn’t been someone named Alex Wong on the show not more than two short weeks ago. OK, judges. Not everyone has short term memory loss. Now let’s talk about Allison, who was divine in this piece. She is a wonder and a revelation and it still chaps my ass that she didn’t even make top 6 in her season. Not even top 6. Hang your heads, America! Bitches. Now, we can talk about Robert, who was more than competent in the piece, but disappeared when compared with the brilliance that was Allison. She pulled focus from him despite the fact that the Trannys in hair and make up gave her pickaninnie braids. The only part where Robert really stood out was at the end when he was walking with Allison on top of his feet. Lovely. Really lovely.

Kittens, weren’t you praying that we’d get through an entire season without Doriana? I know. I know. But there she was, with Robert and Ashley. Doing her same trick overload as ever. And this time, she actually managed to take one of the dancers out, which I’m amazed hasn’t happened before. The routine was crap, trick after trick after trick, leaving little time for the dancers to, you know, dance. I hated it, darlings. Haaaatttteeee. Not even Kathryn could save it. And Mia nailed it when she noted how light Robert was dancing. His center is so lacking. He’s not grounded enough, not dancing with his core engaged. And therefore, he just looks inconsequential in his dancing. I wish these studios would spend more time on barre work, on fundamentals with these kids. Yes, plie and up, releve and down does get boring after a while. It also helps you become the kind of dancer who doesn’t stumble through every single transition in a routine. About suffering, they were never wrong, the old masters.

Exposed – Retina burning fashion saps a dancer’s mojo

White mesh, long sleeve shirt cut down to the navel with lime green sequined trim on collar, cuffs and button plackets? Really, crackhos? Really? Poor Adechike. Not only did he funk up the place with that tired salsa, he looked insane. And the blue pants were a little too big, too loose. Kind of like those modern day baseball players who wear their uniforms so big that they kind of look like they are wearing PJs. Some things are just made to be tight, kittens. Baseball uniforms. Ballroom dance pants. The routine was difficult, the kind of nonsense choreography that is difficult and trick heavy purely for the sake of proving that the choreographer can throw in a lot of tricks with no thought given to how that will actually look on the dancers’ bodies even should they be able to pull all of the tricks off. So Adechike and Any were game, and they did, in fact, manage to throw all the tricks in the routine, thanks mainly to Anya who refused to miss on a couple of the dicier elements. But there was very little dance in that dance. It was all throw, lift, tricky turn with hand positions, trick, throw, trick, back bend. I hated the choreography a lot. Adechike was bad in it. That’s about the size of it. I think my salsa teacher at the local community college could’ve put together a better routine.

Back to another poorly choreographed routine. Like Kent, Adechike’s choreographers kind of let him down this week, although Kent was still able to put in two solid performances. Anyway, Adechike was there. Chairs were there. He did a gorgeous stag leap that rose for days and days. It was fine. He was fine. Boring as spit, which is something of a theme with this year’s contestants. The judges tripped over themselves to not come off like crazy racist haters, but this week, darlings? Adechike wasn’t good so the critique would’ve been warranted.

Exposed – Jose is a mediocre B-boy at best

Dom took that fool to school on that breaking routine that he and Legacy and the other real breaker in the room so clearly choreographed. There was no comparison between Dom’s freezes and other power moves and Jose’s. No comparison between Dom’s flares and Jose’s flares. Hell, not even any room to compare Dom’s uprocks and Jose’s. The kid is just not that great as a b-boy. And the judges all knew it. Adam and Mia tried to damn with very faint praise, but kiddies, don’t you wish they would stop treating Jose like a special needs breaker? He’s a big boy. He came on this show of his own free will, ostensibly to improve as a dancer and what has he gotten out of the experience? A whole lot of uncalled for tongue baths and sad faces when forced to say anything even remotely negative about him. And someone please get this kid away from Cat because she turns into someone completely creepy and spectacularly annoying whenever he’s around. He’s a kind of cute little latino boy who’s an alright dancer, not the Messiah in a doo rag. Damn.

I’m gonna give Joey a pass on the uninspiring Broadway because look at what she had to work with. Jose is just limited. If she’d given Courtney more to do than just walk around waving a big old fan, Jose’s technique would’ve been even more on blast than it already was. And let’s pause and contemplate, noodles, that this was, in my humble opinion, his best performance outside his genre on the show to date. Chew on that, kiddies. Right on schedule, the judges decided to de-pimp their former pet lest he grow into a monster who takes out one of their chosen favorites (Kent/Lauren). A day late and a dollar short as usual.

Exposed – Ashley is so nondescript I forgot her even on a performance show where she suffered a very dramatic accident and was possibly forced from the competition for good

Kittens, I sat for at least five minutes wracking my brain trying to remember who I was missing before it hit me. I hope Ashley’s not been waylaid by Doriana. As I said last week, most of the choreographers on this show need to learn that even though a dancer can do something doesn’t mean that they should. I wish the fallen injured from across all seasons would band together and file a class action suit against Unca Nigel and company, all “Larry Parker got me $2.5 million” on their asses. And I’d still probably forget that Ashley was part of the suit.

Exposed – This show may become TBC and her Manwhores after tonight’s elimination

And then there was one? Could be, kittens. Could be. Personally, I’m pulling for the Jose boot, although once again he may mystifyingly escape B3. If Adechike hits B3 again tonight, I doubt the judges will save him as they not so secretly hate him. They might not save Robert either, even though they adore him, if he hits B3. No one but me seems to still be on the Billy love train, so he could also wind up B3. If Ashley can go next week, I’ve no doubt the judges will save her because all male-male dances all the time will not be cool with Nigel. I’ll put my money on Adechike seeing the end of the road tonight, though by rights, it should be Jose

SYTYCD S7 Ep7 Harsh Mistress

Kittens, I think the reality TV gods are trying to break your little blogger’s spirit. First, they give me my shiny Alex toy, and then they let some Indian fool break him and take him away from me. Here’s a note to all SYTYCD choreographers past, present and future. Just because you think a dancer can do something outrageously difficult and risky doesn’t mean that you should have him or her do that thing. Seventyeleven billion Russian split jumps with flexed feet in a row at the end of a demanding routine where the dancers have been hopping around like popinjays, Nakul? Really? You really thought this was a good idea? Idiot. I hope Edward Villella finds him and reminds him in the most intimate and personal way about his past as a boxer. A ruptured Achilles tendon can end a career. Noodles, the show must go on, but seriously, we all needed a minute to mourn Alex Frikkin’ Wong’s accident before letting the bitchery flow down like rain. And now we’re done.

Sparkle Cat was out in force with her “just got fucked” bedhead still in full effect. She seemed happy and bubbly in spite of the tragic loss of Alex, which just goes to show that she was blissfully unaware that she would be getting royally dissed in the Emmy nominations race for the sake of second rate blondes like Heidi Klum Seal, who hasn’t been really good on Project Runway since around season 2. Emmy Interlude: Kudos to both Stacey and Mia who scored well deserved Emmy nods for Stacey’s lovely piece for Kathryn and Legacy and Mia’s Addiction dance for Kayla/Kupono. Shrug for Mia’s Emmy nod for the Randee/Evan butt dance. It was cute and all, but hardly statue worthy. Side eye for an Emmy nod for Mia’s choreography in that Broadway group routine set to One from A Chorus Line. Category 5 Bianca level stank face for the Emmy nod for make up. Oh Trannys. Who did y’all have to blow for that one? Laughing all day long and high fiving the Emmy committee for snubbing Tasty’s overrated cancer dance for Melissa and Ade. Manipulative, sentimental schmaltz. You don’t win an Emmy for making a girl dance around in white granny panties and schmatta and get hoisted up into lifts every once in a while by a strapping, bare chested man, although some might argue that one should. Now, where were we, darlings? Oh, I know! Cat and her shiny gold mini came out; the six remaining kids danced in boringly; Mia broke out another one of her ill advised headbands; Alex was all gorgeous and smiling reminding us of happier days during the partner and style pulls and then we were off. Most of the choreographers and most of the kids had solid nights last night. And now that Alex is out of the running, someone’s got to rise to the top, no? So let’s examine the evidence on a night so topsy turvy, so disorienting that TBC was top dog. What? I know, kittens!

Tops of the Night

TBC - Well, fuck. TBC kind of turned it out again this week. Y’all, I don’t think Lauren can pull a Jeanine and win this whole season, but through her consistently solid dancing thus far, she has forced me to renounce the hating. I mean, cracking on Kent and his pre-teen, Justin Beiber fan base? That shit is just funny.

Lauren and Pasha/Cha Cha/Jean Marc and Franz/Telephone – Well that was sexy and fun. TBC’s body is sick! And I want that dress. The footwork was on point and the hip action was going. She also brought the sexy smolder and, just like last week, she didn’t play exclusively to the audience. In short, she worked, family.

Lauren and Kent/Contemporary/Travis Wall/Collide – Noodles, this dance was everything. And TBC was heaven in it. The sequence on the floor was so damn beautiful. And the connection between the two of them was a joy to behold. TBC was light and airy. She portrayed that first blush of young love and overcame the world’s ugliest poofy pink prom dress. She has gorgeous lines, great center. Her extension is fancy and she is a very musical dancer. On the real, kiddies, this girl is serious. She’s had more good routines on the show than Billy. True fact. And, darlings, who’d have thought that at the start of the season?

Kent - The Wapokeneta kid was second best of the night? Yep. You betcha. He dialed it down several notches and quietly put in work last night. He navigated hip hop admirably well (with a huge assist from Dave Scott, whom he owes a fruit basket or something) and as we just discussed, the contemporary was lovely. He’s a quick study, this one. And with Alex gone, he has a real shot to be America’s Next Top Favorite Dancer.

Kent and Comfort/Hip Hop/Dave Scott/You’re Not My Girl – First, let us give props to the smart choreography by Dave Scott. It was genius of him to cast Kent as a knock off Justin Timberlake and craft a piece which allowed Kent to hit that 90s Boy Band video, quasi-hip hop vibe. Kent could totally rock it as the lost Backstreet Boy, couldn’t he? He was cool as the other side of that pillow. Smoothed out and sassy. Sexy for the very first time ever on this show. And yeah, he could’ve hit the hard parts of the routine a little bit harder, but he surprised me. Comfort continues to be a breath of fresh air as the hip hop female all star on this season. She’s become not only a fire breathing monster of hip hop dance on her own right, but also a great partner, bringing the sexy and the playful with Kent and really matching his output with her own when you know that she could’ve come much harder than that. Well done all the way round.

Kent and Lauren/Contemporary/Travis Wall/Collide – Great choreography. And darlings, it must be said. Fuck you, Nigel. Travis is a great choreographer. Period. Not a great contemporary choreographer. Get over your jazz hissy fit already, please. It’s boring and we’re bored. Now, as for Kent, well he was lovely in this piece. He partnered Lauren really well in this piece, something he had struggled with mightily in his dance with Allison. And he managed to stay focused and connected with Lauren. There was minimal mugging for the camera. It’s best not to speak about my suspicion that he’s trying to grow a scraggly Billy beard. All I can say is no. And yuck. And no. He was good. TBC was better.

Billy - He had a solid if not spectacular night, which will not win him this show, but was enough to get him into my top group. The Billy beard is scraggly and seven ways out of control. Someone needs to introduce this child to Crest White Strips. The crackhos in wardrobe and the trannys in hair and make up continue to hate him and dress him up in hideous outfits. And still, his stellar dancing sees him through. I love this kid and hope that he can increase his bring it quotient over the course of these next weeks. I’d love to see a truly spectacular technical dancer win this show. For once. For the love of Cthulu.

Billy and Katee/Broadway/Spencer Liff/McCavity the Mystery Cat – Spencer Liff! Cats!! Smart, enjoyable and inventive Broadway choreographer that references a Broadway great not named Bob Fosse! Please, oh please, darlings, let this be the end of Tasty Broadway. It’s so good when it’s like this. Billy was amazing in this piece. The movement did indeed sit well on him. And I know people are always going on about this kid’s kicks and extensions, which are awe inspiring, but kiddies, check the feet. Toe point of the gods! He hung in there with Katee (And who else was glad to see her back? Everyone? Who wouldn’t have wanted her as a permanent All Star instead of Mischa Chan? No one? Alright then) and that is not an easy task. The two of them together were a little bit of magic.

Billy and Jose/African Jazz/Sean Cheesman/The Hunt – Darlings, do you think Sean Cheesman thought anyone on the panel was going to respond positively to a dance that at one point featured Billy squatting on top of Jose’s chest practically dry humping him? This is the least hoyay show of all time. That was never going to fly. And seriously, SYTYCD needs to stop trying to do African dance or pieces that have an African dance flavor. Their current group of choreographers doesn’t know how to create pieces. The judges don’t know what it looks like when they see it, and they certainly don’t know what good African technique looks like. But most importantly, African Jazz continues to be a thing which is not a thing. It’s a made up, baloney style like “lyrical jazz” that means the choreographer is going to throw in a few extra arm movements, some flexed feet, maybe a contraction or two, and call it a day. The routine was bad, but Billy was better in it then he ever should have been. Those deep plies in second position all contorted with legs and chest distended at odd angles was ridiculous. He was creating polariod moments with each and every pose. Damn. He was good in that, kiddies. I just wish he’d been given better material to work with. Aside from Russell’s Princess and the Frog dance, I’ve been disappointed by Mr. Cheesman’s choreography.

Middle of the Road

Ashley - As always, Ashley was neither offensive enough to make me wish for her eradication from Earth nor outstanding enough to make me notice. She was just there. She danced. In one routine, the wardrobe ‘hos took her to a very bad, Hammer pants wearing place, and that should not happen to anybody. That’s pretty much all I remember about her.

Ashley and Dominic/Hip Hop/NappyTab/How Low – Fun routine by NappyTab again. Kittens, did the apocalypse happen and nobody bothered to let me know? Hip hop ninjas? Awesome. Dom was sharp and hard hitting, totally in character and bringing it as a member of a fantastic crew like Qwest should be. Ashley proved herself to be a more than adequate booty popper (she could’ve gotten a little bit lower, but for a non-pole dancer, not bad at all) and she broke out an impressive stripper split. But kiddies, how could I focus on any of the good dancing when the Hammer pants were burning my retinas and destroying everything good in my soul? Wardrobe hos, you must get off the stuff immediately. That costuming was not of the lord.

Ashley and Robert/Quickstep/Jean Marc and Franz/Man with the Hex – Franz speaks! And I know, according to the show, her name is actually France. But would you take the word of the production monkeys on this show? Exactly. “Oops, my bad!” is their middle name. Plus, Franz is just more fun to say and type. So, anyway. Franz speaks! Kittens, I was almost as excited as when they started acknowledging the existence of Melanie. Sadly, finding out that Franz was not, in fact, mute was the highlight of this whole segment, no? Because the dancing was not good. Ashley did a better job of holding her frame and fighting through the footwork than did Robert, and she managed to follow a horrible lead, which is not easy for a ballroom dance novice, BUT the whole thing was kind of a train wreck. Between the Hammer pants, the kiss of death Quickstep, and Ashley’s crazy forehead full of acne, I’d almost say that someone in production is trying to get her out this week. I, for one, could be down with that. Forgettable is the perfect description for this girl.

Robert and Kathryn/Jazz/Sean Cheesman/Sinking Feeling – I loved the concept behind this dance. Definitely a stronger outing for the hombre de queso. And the part of the routine that took place inside the box was killer. Well choreographed and well executed by both Kathryn and Robert. The part where they climbed up and out of the box was mmmm mmmm good. Darlings, it’s hard to make that kind of movement look like dancing rather than like, well . . . like rock climbing. The rest of the routine was interesting if a little disjointed. Robert seemed to match Kathryn very well. He had great amplitude on his leaps. He committed fully to the character, which was probably kind of easy for him since the gist of it was to act plastic which he already does. And on that note, that fakey fake falseness, that cheesy plastic attitude, is what’s killing Robert, not the perception that he’s arrogant. As usual, Nigel was talking out of his ass.

Robert and Ashley/Quickstep/Jean Marc and Franz/Man with the Hex – Robert sucked ass in this. The frame was all wrong; hunched, shoulders way up around his ears, dropped elbows. Horrid. The lobster claw hands were killing me softly. But the worst, oh noodles, the worst was that sad little barely pointed foot just kind of hanging out there on those attitude turns. Heinous. The horrible, fakey fake plasticness was also still in full effect, though neither needed nor appreciated in this routine. And whoever put so much rouge on that boy’s cheeks that he’d put a Raggedy Ann doll to shame should be whipped with that gimmicky cane. Bad trannys. Kittens, it was not aesthetically pleasing. And despite all that, Robert’s one good routine and one crappy routine were still enough to boost him over our two bottom dwellers of the night.

Bottom Two

Jose – Kiddies, he may be cuter than a basket full of kittens and puppies, but he is so clearly out of his depth amongst the dancers left on this show that it’s not even funny. He’s a moderately talented b-boy whose power moves lack a certain amount of power and he’s pretty hopeless outside of his own style. The judge pimping on this one is out of control and they can’t even pretend that it’s about anything other than how cute and charming they find him. Feh. This is not The Bachelor. You don’t get a rose just because you can sweet talk the girl. Bring it or get to stepping.

Jose and Lauren/Contemporary/Mandy Moore/Never Tear Us Apart – Oh, Mandy. You came and you gave without taking. Sadly, darlings, not even INXS could save this piece. Mandy was off her game tonight. This was a perfect example of how not to choreograph around a dancer’s limitation. Mandy stole straight out of the Mia Michael’s Make ‘em walk around and then sit at the back of the stage and then bare their chest while the girl dances school of “choreographing” for breakers and other hip hop dancers. Cedric is somewhere shaking his damn head. So Jose walked around aimlessly, served as a post for Lauren to dance around and off of, hoisted her up a couple of times, threw up an ugly, flexed foot every time his heel came even an inch off the ground, and then got praised by the judges for his heart and connection. Baloney, darlings. Don’t give me shit and expect me to believe it’s shineola.

Jose and Billy/African Jazz/Sean Cheesman/The Hunt – Maybe it was all the hoyay and he just couldn’t handle it? Kittens, Jose looked completely lost and slightly terrified throughout this entire dance. For his sake, I just wanted it all to stop. And seriously, it’s cringeworthy, kiddies, the way that the judges are treating this kid the way that misguided mom on the class field trip treats the special needs kid when she thinks she’s trying to be helpful but really she’s just babying him outrageously and embarrassing him, herself, the teacher and all the other kids. Stop it, judges. Treat this kid like a dancer and not like a “Feed me for $5 a day” Sally Struthers orphan. He is funking it up every week. Let him know what’s up. Don’t be that mom. No.

AdeChike – He was aggressively bad pretty much all night. Were the judges harsh in their critiques? Yes. Unneccesarily so, especially in light of the pass that they gave to Jose? Yes. That doesn’t make what AdeChike served up any tastier. Both routines lacked everything. That’s just real talk.

AdeChike and Courtney/Jazz/Mandy Moore/Is You Is or Is You Ain’t My Baby – Bad, bad night for Mandy. Even props couldn’t save her. I kept watching it and wondering when they were going to start dancing. Courtney writhing around on the bar in an fugly gold lame dress as AdeChike stared at her ass is not dancing. And when they finally did start dancing for what seemed like a measly 16 counts or so, it was neither particularly demanding nor particularly creative. And it was only passably danced. Courtney is a dancer who tends to dance up to the level of her partners, and here that didn’t serve her or AdeChike well. I was bored by this routine after the first four beats or so. Not a good effort.

AdeChike and Alex Marla/Bollywood/Nakul/Mourya Re – Oooh, bad judging. Unfair. Boohoo. Cry me a river, noodles. I don’t give a rip about the judges. Bitches crazy. Putting that aside, the dancing was ass. At certain points, it looked like AdeChike was trying to do the Running Man or the Roger Rabbit or something. He was very Kid ‘n Play in House Party and that is just not on. I didn’t enjoy him. I don’t pretend to be an expert on what Bollywood style dancing should look like, but I know it shouldn’t look like that. And Nakul Dev Mahjan is on the list. That last jump sequence was out of control and should never have been put into the routine. Way too dangerous, especially on the first week where the kids are doing two dances a night plus learning a group dance for the week. Somebody needs an ass whooping.

Going Home

Kittens, I’m nothing if not consistent. As much as it pains me to say it, Alex Frikkin’ Wong should be going home this week. Just as I argued last year with Fug Princess and all of the other fallen, if you can’t dance, you should go home. It’s not fair to the other contestants who came and competed and laid it on the line, whether they were magic or laid a total egg on stage. They were up there and the injured dancer wasn’t. They shouldn’t lose their spot to someone who couldn’t go. Those are the breaks.

Back in the land of reality, if both Jose and AdeChike wind up B3, I really think Jose should go home. He’s just not as good as any of the other kids left in the competition. I don’t think he will go home, however. In fact, I think he might not even hit B3. I wouldn’t be surprised if neither Jose nor AdeChike saw the B3 this week due to the two Ps: popularity and pity. It could very well be Robert and Ashley who hit B3. Quickstep has felled far more compelling dancers. If that happens, I think Robert will be going bye-bye. Much as the judges seem to love him, they love Alex and Ashley more, and it’s hard for me to believe they’d save him after so many consecutive weeks in the B3. Also hard to believe they’d voluntarily pared down to only one girl this season. So, if he’s in the B3, Robert’s toast. But who knows? And does it really even matter, kittens? Alex is gone and so is my investment in this season.

How’s that for a finish?

SYTYCD S7 Ep5 Don’t Call It a Comeback

Now that’s how you close a show, kittens! Almost 24 hours and I’m still trying to take the unfortunately clad yet still fabulous Cat Deeley’s advice to breathe, just breathe. Alex Motherfucking Wong, y’all! I just . . . it was . . . I mean . . . there are no words. And to think there were doubters and haters after last week’s Tyce induced lackluster performance where Alex only turned it halfway out rather than all the way out as he usually does. But darlings, that little Asian phenom was back with a vengeance last night, no? In fact, the whole show came roaring back from a sleepy second week show and produced some high quality reality teevee entertainment. I confess, kiddies, it’s been hard for me to sort out my feelings about this year’s top 10. All so talented, so closely matched, and save Alex and Billy Bell, none really stepping up to claim the mantle of “favorite”. But last night Shankdaddy clarified things for us all. It’s Alex Wong’s world. The rest of us are just living in it. So let’s deal with the man himself right up front and then rank order everyone else, shall we? They’re all playing for second at this point anyway. Could Alex be the first “best technical dancer” of the season to also wind up as America’s Favorite Dancer? Well, you bitches are fickle, but if you’ve got any sense, and Alex keeps serving it like he did last night, he may as well get ready for the confetti.

Your Presumptive Season 7 Champion

I enjoyed the introduction of the solos because most of the kids brought it, but what I’d really like to see is two dances per competitor from here on out. The group is small enough at this point and with two dances each week, we might get more same sex partners which would be amazing if all of the partnerships produced the high caliber of dance we got out of Alex and Twitch. Also, at the rate we’re going, we’ll have an all boys top 5 which might mean no more Mark from Hawai’i on my screen and the absence of Mark from my TV screen last night was my one great sadness of the episode. Whither Mark, noodles. Can you imagine a Mark/Alex contemporary piece? I KNOW!

Alex and Twitch/NappyTab/Hip Hop/Outta Your Mind - That was the shit. Alex Wong shut it down. He's so phenomenal, he even made sub par choreographers like NappyTab look like geniuses. I want Twitch and Alex to form a crew and compete on ABDC. I want Alex to join the League of Extraordinary Dancers and make that group even extraordinarier. Kiddies, Alex Wong is taking this show to a whole other level. He's just on another level so far above all these other kids it's kind of not fair. Alex Fucking Wong. There are no words.

Alex Solo/Rule of the Planet - Work, dammit! He is fierce.

Your Potential Season 7 Runners Up

But it wasn’t just all about Alex last night. Well, OK. Maybe it was all about Alex last night. But kittens, other kids were good, too. Unexpected kids were good. Of course, only a few have a reasonable chance to play second fiddle to Alex on this season’s finale extravaganza, and a couple of them weren’t even all that great last night. So let’s examine those lucky few, this band of brothers, who have the distinction of perhaps knowing what it feels like to be a heartbeat away from getting what you really, really want.

Billy and Kathryn/Stacey Tookey/Contemporary/Jar of Hearts – Billy was problematic last night, noodles. I wanted to like this routine so much more than I did. There were lovely moments in it. That one part where they were seated on the ground back to back and then they used each other's bodies and weight to roll up to a standing position? Magically delicious! But some of the lifts were shaky shaky. It's pretty clear that Billy hasn't done a lot of partnering. More than technique, as the judges pointed out, what lacked was connection. Connection to his partner. Connection to the story they were telling. The dance was technically proficient but kind of cold and clinical. So sad. I still love Billy, though. I mean, did you see his solo? Sadly, this is a show that focuses on dancing with a partner. And Billy has been slightly underwhelming at that aspect of things for three weeks running. I gave him a pass for week one because . . . Tyce. Enough said. Week two, another pass. Billy and Krump were never meant to live together harmoniously. But this week? After dancing in his own style with a phenomenal partner and still being slightly underwhelming and at the same time watching Alex destroy worlds while being just as far outside his comfort zone as Billy was last week? Darlings, I am running out of pitiful passes. Billy needs to come correct next week.

Billy Solo/Something Bigger, Something Better – I can’t front on the solo, though. Incredible. Ridiculous. Extension. Control. Passion. Abandon. Everything.

Kent and Allison/Mandy Moore/Jazz/Heartburn – First things first, kiddies. Mandy didn't use a cheesy 80's pop song? My world, it is all asunder. Just like last week, I didn't buy Kent at all in the piece. Hungry jazz face. Ha! I love Adam Shankman. Kent just came off very forced and false. His technique was on point, as usual, but the judges were right. It was very dance recital. On his part. Because Allison was serving. Sassy! Kent really needs to mature and fast. I think he’s working overtime to fill the mugging void left by Robert toning it down a couple of notches. Kent, no, baby! Some voids need to remain unfilled. On a side note, really TrannyHos? Last week, you put the baby in bondage gear. This week, he got a tux, OK, but the suspenders were on all crickywhackwhichaway making him look like the little ring bearer at his hot older brother’s fundie wedding to the Wapokeneta town virgin and the mom let the little ring bearer dress himself because she thought it was so cute and everyone smiles and “Awwws” and nods, but then the bride’s pictures come out looking ten ways busted because the kid’s suspenders are all out of whack and she has to spend the rest of her life with a fucked up wedding album even though that’s all she has to remember hot brother by after he’s left her for their pool boy because, much like Kent, don’t you just know that hot youth pastor brother is not so secretly gay? In other words, TrannyHos, step up your game.

Kent Solo/Down – When he lets go and does more dancing than mugging for the camera, he is joy. This kid just has a light inside him that's glorious. Even with the somewhat frenetic, floor routine style choreo in this solo.

Jose and Anya/Dmitri/Samba/Long Time – I kind of don’t believe at all that Jose has any chance in hell of copping the number two spot this season because honestly, kiddies, he is technically lacking in skills both inside and outside of his dance genre. However, Nigel does love him some street dancer vs. technical dancer drama, and this kid is another one who just has the “it” thing that people are always talking about. Charisma and charm for days. And in this routine, darlings, he was kind of “Wow.” I may have slightly loved it. Was it technically correct? Well, no. But Jose worked the shit out of it. He brought that Latin machismo and swagger to the table and he owned that dance. He connected with Anya. He was there for her. He was a strong, commanding lead. He was sexy as hell. I watched him as much as I watched her. So yeah, I loved it.

Jose Solo/Superbad – And here’s why he won’t make top 2. On the real, darlings, he's just not that great of a b-boy. When I think of the really awesome breakers they've had on the show . . . Dom and Gev and Legacy . . . Jose's nothing special compared to them.

Your Season 7 Dancers on the Come Up

This surprising group of dancers is really growing on me. After last night’s episode, I can say that I like them. I really, really like them. And for TBC, I must simply say strange. She’s turned me around faster than anyone ever on this show before. A little of that good old fashioned hating crept it’s way back in after viewing her technically proficient yet soullessly creepy solo, but mad props to her for turning it around in her last two partner dances. Since we’re already at it, let’s just start with her, shall we family?

Lauren and Neil/Joey Dowling/Jazz/Let Me Entertain You – Let the record show that was a great routine from Joey. Seriously, why do they let Tasty keep doing Broadway? It can be a lot of fun, witty and demanding and beautifully danced when it’s done correctly. Someone in production needs to just nut up and tell Tyce that he can’t do Broadway anymore. The bitch wasn’t even good enough to make it as second dancer to the left in the Broadway production of A Chorus Line so why do we think he’s good enough to choreograph in that style for this show for dancers of the caliber of the ones they have this season? Oh, we don’t? Well, then. Next, I gotta give it up to TBC for working it in spite of almost having a Janet level wardrobe malfunction. And overall? She kinda turned it out. Her technique was flawless as usual, and I feel like she continues to grow in her connection to her partners. I barely saw her playing to the audience or to the cameras at all. She was very there and present with Neil. And maybe she didn't 100% get there with the character, but I liked her more in this piece than I ever have.

Lauren Solo/Unchained Melody - Return of the hair flipping, inappropriately smiling TBC. Fantastic. So I can go back to hating on her now.

Adechike and Lauren/Dave Scott/Hip Hop/Hot 'n Fun – Kittens, you know I normally do not deal with the pre-dance interview packages, but I have to with Adechike because his idol is Desmond Richardson and he's the truth and I would do just about anything to have Desmond Richardson on my screen and be able to talk about Desmond Richardson. So Adechike’s dance inspiration is Desmond Richardson and that alone made him eligible for inclusion in this On the Come Up section. And lo and behold, the spirit of Desmond was with him last night because that's the best he's ever danced. It was a darling routine, noodles; intricate and fun. Adechike showed personality and spark for the first time ever. He hit hard when he needed to, smoothed it out as appropriate. He really got into the character, all Carlton Banks with a teeny bit of swag. Bonus points since he made me forget about Lauren almost completely. Good job.

Adechike Solo/Ruthless Gravity - Amazing. So grounded and fluid and powerful. That was a grown ass man dancing. Where has that dancer been all season? I think it was the best solo of the night, even better than Alex Fucking Wong. Adechike came to play, kiddies.

Your Season 7 Dancers Most Likely to Have Not Even Made the Tour in Any Other Normal Top 20 Season

Ashley and Ade/Dee Casperey/Contemporary/Cosmic Love – Noodles, enough with the contemporary for this girl. However, for a second, I thought they announced the choreographer as Diddy and had that been the case, this would've automatically been my favorite SYTYCD routine of all time. Alas, it wasn't Diddy. Still, decent routine. A little competition 101 hair flingy for me, but I thought it was danced beautifully. There were a couple of holds where Ashley had her legs held straight out in front of her or was on her belly with arched back that were crazy difficult and demanded great strength and control which she delivered. And the ending was gorgeous. She still doesn't really connect for me, but I can't deny she has a great quality of movement. It’s just that she’s so forgettable. For all that she has facility as a dancer, she has no personality or presence. Definitely a female Adechike before Adechike had his “Come to Jesus” moment. She either needs to get one of her own or get to stepping, no?

Ashley Solo/Royal T - She wasted the first 10 seconds standing around and the rest was a hair flinging, trick throwing nightmare.

Robert and Courtney/Sonya/Jazz/XXXO - Sonya has such a hard on for this kid, and I’ll admit that when the season started I wanted to love him, too. But as the weeks passed and he turned out to be a cheesy bastard who, while not a wholly unpleasant dancer, was revealed to have picked up some of the more unseemly traits of competition kids, well, I had to look at the evidence and give up on my early impressions. This kid is just not that good yet, which doesn’t mean he might not one day be good. He does know how to inhabit a character and really get the feel of a dance. (In that way and that way only is he akin to Mark. All other comparisons between this kid and Mark must cease and desist immediately, kittens. Like Mark? He only wishes he could bring the fabulous like that) However, when it comes to dance ability, Robert is just OK. I totally got what Mia and Shankdaddy were saying. He dances very light. Like lots of competition kids, he’s got flash and tricky dazzle, but there's not a lot of heft to him. The plié example, I thought, was kind of genius. Watch Robert's plié as opposed to Alex's plié. It's like Designer Imposters vs. Chanel No. 5. I was really impressed in that piece by Courtney, however. She tore it up.

Robert Solo/Hold You In My Arms - Now this? Darlings, this I loved. Talk about grounded! Just those few walks forward at the beginning? Heaven. That was really really good. He has potential this one. Just not all the way there yet.

Your Season 7 Cedric Memorial Shouldn’t Have Been Saved by the Judges Dancer

Do we have to, kiddies? Alright. Let’s deal with Not So Secret Stank. The bitch was bad and needs to go home. That’s all.

Melinda and Pasha/Fabian Sanchez/Salsa/Quimbara - Eewwwww. They do salsa the week after Cristina goes home? That’s foul. Shout out to the new choreographer. That was a difficult routine. He didn’t cut this couple much slack unlike some others who shall remain nameless but are often found shirtless and hot and Russian and may or may not at one time have been boy toys of one Miss Mary Murphy. Sadly, Melinda and Pasha didn’t rise to the challenge. That routine was sloppy from the jump. The last trick, the cartwheel flip, was labored and I believe they almost missed it. Sloppy feet. Sloppy arms. Hip action not great. Yick. A little heresy here? Pasha's not a great salsa dancer either. A little too stiff backed. Now that's not surprising as salsa is probably not a dance he does very often, let alone competes in. But it just made for a routine where I didn't really care to watch either one of them. Now Mia and Shankdaddy think they made a mistake keeping Not So Secret Stank over Cristina? Whatever. I hope Cristina meets up with both Mia and Shankdaddy some day in a dark alley and puts a foot in that ass.

Melinda Solo/Empire State of Mind - Best thing she's done on the show. That’s not saying much. I still want her gone.

Bottom Three

Melinda is a given. Every week until she goes home. I would like to see Kent hit B3 this week, though I don't think he will. It would be a good reality check for him. The third spot could go to Ashley for continuing to be aggressively nondescript. Could be Adechike despite his best week ever for performing early and being good but not great. Maybe even Billy for being underwhelming with a great partner and in his own style.

Noodles, every week it's crazy hard to choose a B3 because no one is really bad or out of their depth. In fact, they're all really freakin' good, even the stank ones and the boring ones. So it's anyone's ballgame. For my money, they're all playing for the chance to be runner up to Alex Frikkin' Wong. He's a beast.

SYTYCD S7 Ep3 Half a Loaf Is Better Than None

Open on a scene of sartorial devastation, a blasted stage where girls in high waisted shorts with gold buttons down the front roam free; where boys - boys!- cavort in Dirty Dancing style cut off jeans with rolled cuffs; where the lovely and talented Cat Deeley is done up like a high priced feather duster.  Noodles, the TrannyHos in make up and wardrobe are back on the crack hard core.  Alert your local 12 step program.  And that fashion tragedy was just the beginning of an extremely underwhelming evening of dance entertainment.  Kittens, half the kids gave good technique and so-so performances.  Half the kids gave good performances but missed on the technique.  And half the kids just completely missed the mark, while the other half (which was really only just the one couple, but work with me) gave the sole complete performance of the night with high performance quality and great technique on display but it was wasted on a made up nonsense style choreographed to the single worst Beyonce song of all time (and that's saying something) and danced by the least appealing contestant/all-star pairing in the universe.  Sigh.  How can the kids be so talented, the all stars so freakishly beautiful, and the judging for the most part on point and all that still combine into a spectacularly dull hour of television?  Well, let's just chat about that and figure it out, shall we?

Half a Loaf

So these were the kids whose spirit was willing, but their flesh was weak.  Good sports to the last drop, but not a one of them really captured the essence of the dances they were being asked to portray.  Part of that can be attributed to them and part of that can be attributed to the fact that the choreography for the most part last night sucked ass or was just OK.  Still and all, I had more fun watching this group than the group who brought technique but no artistry to their work, didn't you, kiddies? 

Cristina and Pasha/Paso Doble/Jean Marc and Franz/The same classical song they always use – I love Jean Marc and Franz and Franz' radioactive hair. And Cristina is a real cutie. I tried to pay attention to her, but I was distracted by all the Shirtless Pasha. The lifts at the beginning were a little tentative, but that’s understandable. And really, the choreographers went a little lift crazy last night, no?  I woudl like more dance in my dance, kittens.  Pasha was everything in this dance, despite the heinous brown pants he was rocking.  (TrannyHos-Stink Eye-Forever)  Pasha's carriage is just insane. I thought Cristina did well, too, but she can’t hang with him. It’s kind of not at all fair. Paso is already the most man-centric of all the Latin dances and on top of it, Cristina had to compete with Pasha and yeah, she lost. On another note, "Mucho caliente"? Oh, Shankdaddy. Don’t try to speak Spanish. I’m embarrassed for you.

Alex and Lauren/Broadway/Tyce/Summertime – Oh my stars! Alex Wong was an adorable baby.  So, so cute. But why stick him with Tasty? Tasty Broadway? Tasty Broadway inspired by the Fosse style? The hell you say. Good lord, Bob Fosse should rise up from his grave and slap this fool into the middle of next week. In the abstract, Alex was amazing, obvi, but this style of movement is so different for a ballet dancer. All the hips and the hunched shoulders. And his performance as an example of that style was not perfect. He was still a little too pulled up, not quite grimy enough. But he did well with the leaps and the kicks and the turns and the whole all of all.  That was fantastic. As is so often the case, kiddies, Nigel didn't really know what he was talking about when it comes to the demands of the style. Hunched shoulders are a Fosse trademark. Nigel’s full of shit. I got what Mia and Shankdaddy meant, however. The movement did need to be smaller. I think the thing with Fosse was actually that he wasn’t an extravagantly talented dancer so he created this whole style of movement that played off of hunched shoulders and sunken hips and the smallest of movements, a snap, a flick of the foot, a quarter turn having meaning. He also played with a lot of bump ‘n grind vaudeville movement which is not as elegant or as refined as ballet movement tends to be. So I think it’s fair to say that while I loved it because I loved watching Alex move, it wasn’t Fosse. Oh, and the choreo was ass. But that’s a given with Tasty Broadway, soooooo . . .

Robert and Anya/Argentine Tango/Jean Marc and Franz/Libertango – I’ll agre with all the Buffistas that I’m not feeling blonde Anya. And Robert is so cheesy. I wish he weren’t, noodles.  He’s like Jim Carrey levels of cheesy. But that just seems to be a character flaw, and really he was killing it in terms of the look and the attitude. Holy hell. And I know many, many dancers who would die for that plie in second position. It wasn’t as good as some of the best tangos on the show – Brandon/Janette or Danny/Sarah. But it was good from a performance standpoint. He was a good lead. Strong and in command. There was passion. His ganchos were good, although the rest of the footwork was a little bit sloppy. It must've been challenging, too, since his pro, Anya, is not a tango expert either. I agreed with Shankdaddy that the style didn’t sit entirely comfortably on him, but I thought he was better than what they gave him credit for. I was really liking him until he went right back to cheesing through his numbers. Sigh. He makes me tired.

Jose/Kathryn/Bollywood/Nakul/Won’t even pretend with the song – I guess they were hoping for some of that Kathryn/Legacy lightning to strike twice. But you can't always get what you want, darlings.  Jose really gave it the old college try. And no, it was not perfect. He kind of lost steam about halfway through the routine and there were a few too many b-boy moves, freezes and such, thrown in for good measure. But that was fun. He looked like he had fun. Some of the turns were excellent. Kathryn is gorgeous and was gorgeous and will be gorgeous.  It was ever thus.  Overall, good performance quality. So-so dance quality. Why, it's almost like a theme, kittens.

Better Than None

The kids in this group brought their bags of tricks with them, but they forgot to put their personalitites in the bags.  Something is missing with these contestants, no?  There's no there there.  Darlings, had I not been taking notes, I'd have forgotten what half of them did almost immediately.

Adechike and Allison/Contemporary/Mandy Moore/Listen to Your Heart – Oh, Mandy. Don’t ever change. I love how much she loves cheesy 80’s and early 90’s pop. Who else would use Roxette? Kittens, Adechike’s just a charisma chasm. But Allison.  Oh, my word!  Allison is so gorgeous. Just a beautiful, breathtaking dancer. And once again, she was giving it. She was dancing with him and he was doing steps. He’s got great technique. And he tried to bring more, but emoting and feeling the movement is not the same as just smiling. The judges actually gave good critique. He needs to get lost in his dances. You can see the wheels turning and see him thinking through the steps and not living and breathing them. The judges were right on. Sadly, I don’t know that he has that thing that they are asking him for.

Ashley and Mark/Lyrical Jazz/Travis Wall/Wonderful – Kittens, didn't finding out that Ashley was a competition kid from early on explain soooo much?  She’s like the female Adechike. Technically proficient, but emotionally vacant. But who cares about that, kiddies.  There was Mark.  Shirtless Mark!  Smoking hot, sexy Mark!  Holy shit. I thought the choreo from Travis was fine.  And OK, it wasn't jazz.  I'll give you that.  But it was better than half the crap put out there on that stage last night, so Nigel can bite me.  And going back to it after Tasty's choreo?  Yeah, not cool at all.  Travis looked ready to cut a bitch. Anyway, kittens, Mark was everything.  Ashley was beautiful technically, but reall brought no connection, no heat, nothing. It wound up being just two people doing steps. Beautiful steps, but steps nonetheless. And ummm, shirtless Mark. God DAMN! During their critiques, the judges were trying to get away from saying that Ashley’s boring but fuck that noise. She’s proficient and boring.

Kent and Courtney/Jazz/Tasty/Amy Amy Amy – Oh my.  When I heard the theme, I figured Kent would do well with this in terms of movement quality, but sexual tension? Yikes. And a cunniliftus? Has Tasty been spending time with Doriana? Yuck. Kent in bondage gear blew my mind, family. It was gorgeously danced. This boy moves like a dream. But the sexy face? With the open mouth? Yeah, It was kind of laughable. But my stars, that barrel turn, almost kind of like a rotating stag leap? Thing of beauty. And the toe point on this kid is insane. Insane. He’s a gorgeous thing. And he’s so sweet he could cause sugar shock. Once again, like with Adechike and Ashley, technique on point. Performance, not so much. And not because he lacks personality, just that he’s not believable as a sexual beast. It actually might’ve worked better if he had danced it with Mark.

No Loaf

These pairs had a miss on the performance quality and a miss on technique.  Bad dancers!  No biscuits for you. 

Melinda and Ade/Contemporary/Stacy Tookey/Squander – Dammit, TrannyHos!  What was Melinda wearing? Crack is whack, kittens. Words to live by.  Melinda needs tons more extension. She needed to reach through the tippy tips of her fingers and toes. Right now, she always looks very contained. She needs to let go more. That part where she was pushing Ade with her head on his stomach needed so much more. More tension. More push/pull. More energy. Just more everything. She just lacked intention for me. Darlings, I was much less impressed with her than the judges were. She doesn’t get the “Oh, you’re just a  X" pass. Almost all the kids were dancing out of their style/comfort zone last night and that’s what this show is all about. If you didn’t come to party, take your broke broke home. I’d be happy to let her go this week.

Billy and Comfort/Krump/Lil C/So U Think U Can Krump – Billy in pleather with flames? That’s like Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds! Billy saying “Boosh” was kind of the best thing about Billy's entire section, noodles. And the buck face? Awww, baby, you’re not buck. He looked like he was on puppet strings. And the running leaps with the pointed feet? And the miles of turn out? Baby. No. There’s no pointed feet in Krump. Well, he was really trying. That’s . . . something. And Comfort was killing it and yet still trying to keep it matched up with Billy. But, for real? It wasn’t good.  Worst of the night by a long shot.

Whole Loaf

Lauren and Dom/Lyrical Hip Hop/Tessandra Chavez/If I Were a Boy – Oh perfect, my two least favorite dancers of the season together. Thanks, Nigel. But hey, new hip hop choreographer blood. And OK. Toothy Blonde Cheerleader was kind of tearing it up. I still dislike the whole concept of lyrical hip hop.  It's not a thing.  But this choreo was better than NappyTab in this style. And TBC was good. Much more connected than last week. And she’s just a good dancer. Good like “whoa!” And Dom is a great, great b-boy, and he’s gotten so much better since dancing with Qwest. He’s ridiculous. Yeah, she was good. Better this week. I still don’t care for her.  Keep hating alive. 

Bottom Three

So this was a weird night. Nobody put it all together. Either the kids had the performance quality but lacked in embodying the style/technique of the dance they were given or they had the technique but something in the performance/feel of the dance was missing. The bottom two in terms of performance for me were clearly Melinda and Billy. That said, I would never want to see Billy hit B3, kiddies, because I love him, but I do think he was objectively the worst on that stage tonight. The clear best of the night, the one who came closest to giving both solid technique and good performance was TBC (and I think I lost my lunch just having to type that). I’ve no idea who B3 will be, but I think and hope Adechike will hit B3 this week and maybe even go home because he’s just like dance wallpaper. I think Melinda may go B3 again, even though the judges tried to prop her up. She wasn’t great. The third spot is hard. I think it could be Ashley, though she was technically gorgeous in the dance and that may save her. Could be Cristina again. She went first and she was OK, but not outstanding. People may forget about her. I think Billy and Alex have enough of a fan base to keep them out of B3, even though you could make a case for both of them to be there (Billy more so than Alex). Yeah, I don’t know. This was a very mixed bag kind of a night. No one hit it out of the park, so anyone could be in danger.

SYTYCD S7 Finals Ep2 He-Man Woman Haters Club

It’s still only 6:45 on the West Coast, Kittens, so I’m technically getting this recap of last week’s results show in under the wire. Let me pause to have a little Kevin Spacey in American Beauty “Yes, I rule!” moment. And . . . now I’m done. And really, there wasn’t much to last week’s show, was there? I mean, some choreographer who I didn’t know set a piece on the kids that was one quarter Sonya Tayeh, one half Tasty in his contemporary incarnation (complete with inexplicably bad costuming and staging), a smidge of Mandy Moore-ian nostalgic feeling 80’s video moves along with some really bad, vaguely synth pop music, and then the requisite horrible camera work from the crack monkeys. Your group routine, kiddies. And I hate that the all stars are in every. damn. thing. Can’t the new kids have one thing that’s just for them? Are the all stars getting dance intros next? Make it stop.

As for the rest of the special guest appearances on the night, I’d just seen that Twyla Tharp piece on the Tony awards and the producers of that show sprung to have the rest of the backup dancers plus sets onstage, so this just seemed like a cheap retread. Loosen the purse strings, Mr. Fuller. Usher sang the same crap ass song he sang on Idol like 30 million years ago. And just as poorly and autotuned all to hell. They might’ve even done the same choreography. And then he tried to get me to watch the Beiber creature’s new video but not even for former ABDC contestants because that little man/woman concoction is creepy as all get out and I refuse. And that was about the size of it, noodles.

And then we wound up being reminded once again of just how hard Nigel and Co. had to pimp and manipulate the audience to bring about the Sabra win and how Jeanine had to be more awesome than the most awesome thing you can think of and pull off one of the single best turn sequences in SYTYCD history while clutching a rose between her teeth to beat someone as limited and one-dimensional as Evan for fuck’s sake because the B3 wound up being all girls despite the fact that Adechike sucked all the air out of the room on performance show night and if there were a stronger term than outclassed to describe what Kathryn did to him on that stage, I’d use it but bottom line is bitch should’ve been in the bottom three but wasn’t because America hates girls. Cooties and all, don’t you know, darlings?

So we got Melinda, Alexie, and Cristina in the B3, with Alexie going home for being generically cute and having the misfortune of pulling a NappyTab routine right out the gate. And for not having a penis, of course, but what was she going to do about that? Maybe she should’ve sought advice from Mark’s boss, Lady Gaga? All three girls gave underwhelming solos and all 3 will be gone soon, especially with this format. I wouldn’t be surprised if all the boys outlast every single girl save TBC.

So farewell to Alexie. I hope Kent can recover by tonight because he seemed awfully broken up. Robert still needs to stop mugging excessively. Alex is still the most beautiful thing on the planet. Billy is still a freaky alien but somehow it works for him. Everyone else needs to grow a personality. Or in the girls’ case, a personality and a pair. With a quickness.

SYTYCD S7 Finals Ep1 Tan, Rested and Ready

Kittens, did you miss me? I’m just climbing up out of the deep dark hole I was thrust into by the last season of AI. Cecile Frot-Coutaz and her minions finally succeeded in breaking me, darlings, with their talentless contestants, the addition of yet another completely useless judge, the continued existence of Judge #4 on this planet, the impending loss of Simon, the deconstruction of Ryan’s sleek manscaping (Plaid button down and jeans? On my favorite wee pocket gay? Oh, the humanity!). Really, the whole thing was too much. I’m still fragile, noodles. I get twitchy every time I hear the words, “Lee DeWyze, your next American Idol.” Ptui. Let us never speak of it again.

So anyway, I’d decided I was done. Oh not watching, mind you. What else would I do while sitting on my couch eating Cracker Jacks. No, no. Done with caring. Done with investing. Done with recapping. And then Unca Nigel came around with his big ideas to destroy my other favorite show with his top 10 and his dubious labeling of the Hunchback and Mischa Chan as all stars of anything save being horrible people. And don’t even get me started on Dom. Kiddies, all seemed lost. But it seems there’s a spark of life left in my tiny, shriveled up blackened lump of a soul. And that spark was set on fire by one Alex Wong. So with the promise of one dancer to love to distraction and a gentle push from momo (Holla!), I’m back and ready to share all my most intimate thoughts on Cat Deeley and her whacked out fashions. (TrannyHos in the hizz-ouse) On the crack monkeys they have manning the cameras. I truly didn’t believe it could get any worse, but they’ve outdone themselves, haven’t they, kiddies? I have to think now they’re just fucking with us. On our intrepid panel, still relevant only about half the time which makes them 100% more relevant than the AI panel and that’s a thing. And of course, the kids. The kids are fire, y’all! And they might just make this all star thing happen in spite of itself. So let’s dig in. Just pretend that you know everything I’ve been thinking up through Meet the top 11, because really? Don’t you? I knew that you did. First performance episode, bitches. Bring it.

I know all is right with the world whenever Cat wears the re-inforced bump-it bun. And in my imagination, the kids dance ins were all superb since that’s all I have to go on, crack monkeys. And then it was time to get our dance on. All the kids were really good last night, but only a few managed to pull focus from their all-star partners, so we will divide into Caught the Eye vs. Faded Away. Although some caught the eye in a bad way (Kent) but we’ll get to that.

Caught the Eye

Alex and Allison/Sonya/Lyrical/Hallelujah - Alex now. Alex forever. Kittens, this boy is everything. There are no words. I loved everything about that piece. There was not one moment I didn't love. He doesn’t leap, he floats. He doesn’t turn, he whirls, he doesn’t extend, he expands beyond the realm of what’s even possible. He’s up there in the pantheon for me with Danny and Blake and it’s only episode one. I’m waiting to see him in other styles, since up until now, we’ve only seen him in lyrical and more lyrical. But what a delight, no? And the business with Cat while she gave out his numbers? Genius. Amazing dancer and adorable goofball. What does this kid not do? And on the all star front, the fact that Allison didn't even make top six on her season continues to boggle the mind. She and Alex were a dream together. Alex Wong, y'all. I give up. I'm already out of superlatives. And yes, it's week one. Honestly.

Robert and Courtney/Sean Cheesman/African/Some Cirque du Soleil song - Mr. Cheesman was a welcome addition to the SYTYCD stable ‘o choreographers last year when he set that amazing princess and the frog piece on Noelle and Russel. Sadly, that was far better than what he served up last night. There was precious little African in this African jazz, I'll tell you what. And Robert was way too pulled up doing what little African there was. Contrary to what the judges said, it was far from the best African infused piece they have had on the show in terms of either choreography or execution. That would still be Tasty's Lion King group dance with Danny and Sabra crushing it. Robert was good here, though. The boy has skills. And he's awfully pretty. Noodles, you know that goes a long way with me. He managed to outshine Courtney, which I think will happen often as she is a solid dancer, but not really a star.

Ashley and Neil/Tasty/Contemporary/Some Donny Hathaway cut – This was a fine piece, though nothing to write home about. Tasty does so much better in this style. Why won't the show recognize? And it was danced well. Ashley has great technique, gorgeous lines, she’s very light on her feet, good solid center. And the Hunchback, well, I’d hesitate to say he was a revelation, but he certainly has improved by leaps and bounds from the bad old days of S3, hasn’t he darlings? There was some actual dance content there, not just stomping around from trick to trick. And he learned how to pull up. Strangé, Dancer Formerly Known as Hunchback. But there was no there there. There were steps but no feeling. Ashley's just such a non-entity, noodles. It’s like she’s aggressively boring. I don’t know who she’s in love with, but I hope that person tells her to grow a personality soon. Still, she danced up to Neil’s level and they made a well matched pair. I watched her just as much as I watched him. And on a night like tonight? Darlings, that spells victory.

Kent and Anya/Tony and Melanie/Cha Cha/Lady Marmalade – Way to throw Kent into the deep end without a life preserver and see if he floats, Nigel. I love Kent. He's cuter than a basket of kittens and puppies. But can I keep it real with y'all? Anya drank that fool's milkshake. It was like watching a full grown woman dance with her pre-pubescent nephew at some family wedding. She's inappropriate and he's a teensy bit watch from the hall but it works because they're both trying soooo hard. His footwork in many places was not good. The hip action was kind of there in some sections, but other times not. He handled the lifts beautifully. And he did make a game attempt to lead. Oh, I know what it was like! It was like watching a really talented junior dancer do an exhibition with his teacher. You could tell that he has all the potential and the tools to be crazy amazing (Cramazing? Yes, I like it!), but he's not quite there yet. Still, he's adorable and not going anywhere anytime soon and everybody knows it, Kittens. And his ridiculous mugging ensured that he didn’t get overshadowed by Anya, who is a force and don’t you forget it. So good work, Kent. Be less cheesy next time, mkay? Love you. Mean it.

Faded Away

Billy and Lauren/Tasty/Broadway/Footloose – Kittens, I don’t think Billy got outdanced by Mischa Chan because that is against the laws of physics and the natural world. Instead, I think the whole piece was so underwhelming that both of them just got lost. To pull Mischa Chan, Broadway and Tyce all in the same week and get stuck going first? Someone in production hates Billy. Given what little he had to do, he killed it technically, but really? Really? First dance fail. I thought Shankdaddy's critiques would’ve been on point if there’d been some nuance available to be danced. But you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, darlings. And Tasty served up about 100 pounds of pork with that mess of a routine. All gesticulating wildly and arms and jumping around doing herkies. You can’t ask him to become a Mark-style performer while emulating that SNL Will Farrell cheerleader skit. On a separate note, while I refuse, on general principle, to address most of the revealed secrets, I loved seeing Tool Time with Billy and Billy's dad. Awwww. I love these dads who love their not dead gay sons. I will attribute it to the fine model put forth by Kurt’s dad Burt on Glee. Because all good things come from Glee.

Lauren and Ade/Mandy Moore/Jazz/Oh Yeah - Oh, Mandy. How I adore your obsession with cheesy bad 80s pop. Kittens, here’s another one where it wasn’t exactly that the newbie got outdanced by the all star. I found Ade and Lauren to be fairly well matched. But they had no chemistry and no connection between them. From either side. This was the least sexy “sexy” dance I’ve ever seen. It just felt like neither Ade nor Lauren got it. Each of them might as well have been alone up on that stage. And someone needs to smack that smile off of Toothy Blonde Cheerleader's face because for real? It's just not on. I think Adam might actually do it before the season is out. Did you catch his face when she interrupted his “You don’t get it” critique? He was ready to cut a bitch. I kind of hate her a lot. Technically, she’s very solid but I think she might be a fembot.

Jose and Comfort/NappyTab/Hip Hop/ Some Ne-Yo song about monsters – Family, NappyTab are so booty. Why are they still here? That choreography did no one any favors. Neither the song nor the steps were hip hop under any definition of the genre I've ever known. Jose danced what he was asked, so in that sense it was OK, I suppose. I still want more power and dynamism from his b-boying. His tricks always look so slow and labored. Comfort is a phenomenal hip hop dancer. Too bad she was handcuffed by all the lack of hip hop.

Alexie and Twitch/NappyTab/Hip Hop/Butterfly - Another lyrical hip hop mash up of suckiness. It was overly twee from the jump, but Alexie made it even more twee. I agree with the judges, no swag. She had anti-swag. Not that she had a lot to work with. On top of the bad choreography, she danced like she was on a UDA dance team, which makes sense coming from a former Laker Girl. She’s cute as a button, though.

Melinda and Pasha/Tony and Melanie/Jive/Song? Who knows? - Awwwww. I love Tony and Melanie. That was a fun routine. And packed. They did not go easy. I thought Melinda started off relatively well. The character and performance were there from the jump, and the technique was not all bad. The flicks and high kicks were good. She was fast and light on her feet. Nice arm placement and extension. Then she got tired, which makes sense because jive is no joke. It will kick your ass. About half way through, her form totally fell apart and that's when the pigeon toed thing started happening. And how can you not get completely outclassed by Pasha? Damn! Just hot damn, noodles. It’s not right to be that fine.

And now to my two favorite all stars. Get rid of their partners and just have them dance together every week because they tore it up in Travis’ Meet the Top 11 routine!

Cristina and Mark/Sonya/Jazz/Missed the song - Mark! That said, I did not enjoy the routine. Kiddies, Sonya has done much better. THAT said, Mark turned it out. He's a beast. I think he's gotten even better since he was on the show. I kind of have to join the judges in giving it up to Cristina. That style of movement had to sit so strangely on her body, and while Mark did blow her away, she had some nice moments. The attitude that Mia pointed out was also an "Alright, then" moment for me. And Noodles, can we take a moment to give a hell to the naw to Mia’s use of the term “Mamá”? Are we all agreed that she can’t rock it like that? Lovely. Moving along. The toe point on Cristina was not at all bad for someone used to dancing shod all the time. She handled the sinuous motion very well. All in all, I enjoyed her more than I enjoyed the piece. And Mark! Mark licking Cristina’s leg! I died, kittens. I died. The bitch never broke character, even when walking off stage. Watch and learn, newbies. Watch and learn. I hope GaGa is handling that correctly, or making sure he gets handled often and by someone who knows how if she's not his thing. He’s so pretty.

Adechike and Kathryn/Travis Wall/Lyrical/Addicted to Love - Kathryn was everything in that routine. She was serving. Exquisite. And Ade was just . . . there. Darlings, I have never missed Anthony Burrell more. That dance called for a man, grown and sexy, and Ade just did not deliver. Points off to Travis for going back to the naughty secretary well and because the dance was practically a love letter to Kathryn. She’s a gorgeous dancer and I love her, too, but poor Adechike just had to stand around and lift an awful lot, or catch, or just sit in a chair and get pushed around. Definite bottom 3 bait.

Bottom Three

Who knows, kittens? And isn’t that delicious? Adechike has got to be one. Beyond that? It’s anyone’s guess. Why? Because this tope 11 is just that good. Well done, show. I’d be sad to lose anyone because I kind of want to see what else they can all do. Except TBC. Yeah, she can go anytime now, but she won’t, because tweens hate me and this is their world. I’m just a squirrel trying to get a nut. I’ll predict a B3 of Adechike, for being the worst of a really good lot, Melinda for being buried in the middle and kind of ill suited to the style, and Ashley for being so forgettable. I’ll go with Melinda for the boot, but I wouldn’t bank on it.

Awww.  It's good to be home, noodles.

American Idol S9 Semi-Finals Ep5 Trouble Is a Woman

What can I say, noodles? The girls were better than the boys, yes. But that's damning with very faint praise indeed. Mamasox was the only one I could say that I liked. The rest either fell into the category of poor song choice, OK vocal; good song choice, crappy vocal; or just all over bad. So let’s break it down just like that and then cut some more chaff from the tiny kernels of wheat we have working.


Good Song Choice, Good Vocal

Mamasox/As Long As I See The Light/Creedence Clearwater Revival - This girl can definitely sing. She's the real deal. I don't know that I over the moon loved it, but I liked it a whole lot, which is more than enough in this, the season of suck.

Poor Song Choice, OK Vocal

Katelyn/The Scientist/Coldplay – Points for picking the only Coldplay song I love unreservedly. To bad she arranged it like this was a funeral dirge. It’s already a slow ass song. Did it really need to be any slower? I think the answer to that is self evident, isn’t it kittens? Arrangement aside, she laid down one of the best vocals of the night. Same as she did last week. This girl might be a comer.

Katie/Girl, Put Your Records On/Corinne Bailey Rae - How is this a younger song than last week? This is a VH1, lite FM staple. As Ellen noted, it's Muzak to drill teeth by. I think she may really be a 90 year old woman with some Dorian Grey stuff popping off. Darlings, what 17 year old can’t name one singer under 20 that she’s into? Again here, she sang the song just fine, I guess. The verse was a little too low. But who cares, no? I couldn’t remember what she sang by the end of the night. Down with teenagers on this show, kittens. For real.

Good Song Choice, Crappy Vocal

Siobahn/Think/Aretha Franklin – The way she screeched her way through this song was not of the lord. Kiddies, I don't know what the judges were smoking while they listened to that performance, but I heard that Cypress Hill would like a word with them to find out who their dealer is. It was bad. And that big note they were dying over? That's the sound my cat makes when I accidentally step on her tail. Ewww. Dear Siobahn, here is a little note from me to you. You're not Aretha, but I like you. Go sit in the corner and consider what you've done. Oh, and don’t wear a strapless dress with a striped t-shirt under it which looked like, from the placement of the zipper in the back, it might actually have been all one piece! Like a short sleeved, strapless, t-shirt dress. Great googly moogly. Where does one even buy such a garment? That ain’t right.

Lily/A Change Gone Come/Sam Cooke – Who wants to hear a folksy, Lilith Faire version of this song? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Exactly, noodles. She wasn't nearly as good as Crystal. The judges, except Simon, over praised. It was an OK version of a song that was done much better just last season by Adam. That’s all.

Paige/Walk Away/Kelly Clarkson – Oh, look, kiddies. It’s the last black girl in the free world rocking the colored contact lenses. She's not even fit to wear Kelly Clarkson's hand me down caftans, and certainly not to sing this song. No breath control whatsoever. And I'm not the most down black girl around, but even I found myself marveling at how whitewashed she is. My dear mother, who graced me with her presence and stopped me from putting a fist through my shiny new flat screen upon which the lovely image of Ryan Seacrest prowled in his fabulous black fitted suit finally, paused to ponder why every friend we see of hers is some goofy looking white kid. And then we mourned for a second about the colored contacts and the Barbie hair weave. We both would like for her to go home soon. Won’t you make our wish come true?

Didi “Afghan” Benami/Lean on Me/The Staples Singers - Oh, as usual, dear. These kids need some themes, stat. They cannot be trusted with free choice days. She started out way too low and overcompensated once she got up into her head voice so that it got a little screechy in spots. Darlings, it might not have been as bad as the judges said, but it wasn't good. I did feel badly for her, though, and since everyone knows I'm heartless, that probably goes double for the rest of America, so I'm guessing she's good. You know, noodles, I was kind of liking her last week, even with the afghan incident. But the lousy vocal combined with an egregiously bad use of paisley and grommets (two tastes that never taste great together) have forced me to drop her. So sad when the love dies.

All Over Bad

Haeley/The Climb/Miley Cyrus - So Judge #4 made me so mad (like that's new). I agree that this girl could've done with more seasoning before being thrust into the gaping maw of 30 million viewers a week because half the time she's delicious and half the time she couldn't find the pitch with a shovel and a flashing neon sign pointing to a half unearthed hole in the ground where the pitch resides and stating "Dig here to find pitch." But since the judges knew this, why did they put her on the show this year? Bleagh. Anyway, she was horrible. And she looked like a black Mayim Bialik circa Blossom which . . . is a look, I guess. Bored now, darlings. We’re so very, very bored.

Lacey/Kiss Me/Sixpence None the Richer – Dawson’s Creek, kiddies. She did a pale imitation of a non-song song that's all quirk and bells and whistles anyway. From Dawson’s Creek! Oh, the humanity. Never listen to Judge #4, family. That's a recipe for disaster.

Michelle/With Arms Wide Open/Creed - There's never a good reason to sing a Creed song. Trust that this is so. And this girl has such a thin, reedy voice, there's no way she could bring the kind of power necessary to plow through this cheese. I suppose the first part of the song was passable for a drunken bachelorette party. But the back half of the song was tragic. And the final glory note was absolute booty. And she was dressed like a cupcake. And the black finger only gloves? Can they even be called gloves? Just wrong on every level. Bad fashion sense aside, she’s a very pretty girl. And close almost always counts for pretty girls on this show, so she might actually survive the week thanks to shallowness.

Going Home

Even black cowgirls get the blues, noodles. We should be seeing the back end of Haeley tonight. The other boot-ee? Hell if I know. Lacey? Michelle? Paige? Katie? It could be any of them or all of them. Put together, they’re worth as much as one second tier wannabe from season’s past – some Nikki McKibbin/Syesha Mercado leftovers.

Kittens, I’m so over this season of AI. In my travels around the net, I’m seeing a lot of Stockholm Syndrome. Folks are starting to love their captors. But I refuse Fuller and Frot-Coutaz. You can’t feed me shit and make me believe it’s caviar. Your little season is sucking ass. I would suggest you start praying or investing in intensive voice lessons for fully three quarters of your contestants very, very soon.

American Idol S9 Semi-Finals Ep4 I Do Not Want What I have Not Got

Kittens, you see before you a broken woman. Or the words typed on a computer screen of a broken woman. Or something like that. My beautiful, beautiful show is killing me softly. I am going to give this little blog of mine that old college try, but seriously, I don’t get paid for this shit, so it’s gonna be hard unless they grow a whole crop of new contestants real, real fast. AI is killing me softly.
So anyway, previously on this show, lots of stuff happened. Most of it was bad or boring or both. Now we are at top 10 week of the semi-finals and the thing that really pulled me back in, Noodles. Irritation. Inchoate rage at Simon Fuller and Cecile Frot-Coutaz. Darlings, why were we watching men last night? I railed against FP getting a medical pass on last season’s SYTYCD, so as much as I love Mamasox, I gotta say the same thing here. Play or go home. I dislike the flipping of boys for girls. I'm sorry Crystal Bowersox is so sick. Diabetes is a terrible thing. Ptui. Let us never speak it again. The show should have absolutely let her come back in next year at the top 12. But flipping the performance order for her was a dick move for every other contestant on this show not sporting white girl dreads. That’s a true fact, family.

We could all pretend that the dramatic shift caused the boys to have less rehearsal time, and thus more stress which in turn had an impact on last night’s performances, but kiddies, don’t we know better? Didn’t they suck just as much ass last week as this? They’re just straight up bad. (Do you think if we straight up enough, Ellen and Judge #4 will give it a rest with Andrew already?) So let’s get into it. In order of appearance, since no one was actually good.

Big Mike/This Is a Man's World/James Brown – I hated this song choice. This is the most non-song song of all times. He sounded good on it, but I hated, hated, hated this choice in every way I possibly could. You shouldn't sing this unless you are X-Tina, dressed in a blindingly white suit with platinum blonde hair at the Grammys smacking it up, flipping it, and rubbing it down. That was just boringly competent (like always with this one). The judges were way, way, way over the top in their praise. It was fine for what it was . . . a second rate impersonation of a second tier JB cut.
John Park/Gravity/John Mayer – Noodles, my first thought was honestly, “Can it be worse than last week?” Well, singing John Mayer was not a great start. Do you really want to bring up the Playboy interview controversy? I don't think so. And yick, this kid was flat, always a couple of ticks under the pitch, no? Not totally off, which was even worse because you could hear the note he was supposed to be hitting except not. And he doesn't have as much soul in his voice as John Mayer. And that is saying a lot about how much soul he lacks. Kittens, this fool is pretty, but he can go any time now. It's bad when the best the judges can say is that it was way better than last week since last week was abysmal.

Cowboy Casey/I Don't Want to Be/Gavin DeGraw - I enjoy this kid. I dislike this song. Oooh. Dilemma. Initially, I thought he'd do well with it, for what it's worth. But ewww. He started out all nasally up in his nasal. And then it just got worse and worse. The chorus on this song is so tricky. It's deceptively rangy and he was way off the pitch in the low notes. This song kicked his ass. Well, that was unexpected, kittens. And the Dawg wasted his judgery trying to sound edumacated about the music industry. I agreed with Ellen that he was stiff behind that guitar. And to top it all off, Judge #4 gave some real and relevant critiques (as she would do several times throughout the night). My world, it is all asunder.

Boy Unworthy to Wear the Last Name "Lambert"/Everybody Knows/John Legend – Darlings, he still can't sing. He still believes he has a great falsetto which he demonstrably does not. Please, take your ugly mullet and your white Keds and your too tight, too shiny pants with plaid jacket and just what the fuck and go. So much hate. I don't think I could hate him any more than I do. And to think we lost the cutie rocker for this fool. And is “unique style” some kind of code for got dressed in the dark? Because I just sincerely do not get it with this fool. Judge #4 should know that I'm not rooting for this kid. At all.

Il Divo/What's Love Got to Do With It/Tina Turner -Aww, poor, misguided Divo. You really think Paula "sang" while she was dancing? You hold up Paula as an artist to emulate? Oh no, baby! No. And this kid has listened to waaayyy too much 99.8 KKBT, the Beat. Let this be a lesson, darlings. Not every song should be a run filled, R&B fiesta. But the really sad thing is that this kid does not have a bad voice. In fact, he has a very good voice. Why he feels the need to cram every single vocal trick into a song is anyone’s guess. Noodles, it was so bad that this fool made me agree with the Dawg. When is the last time that happened? Exactly. How I wish he’d just get up and sing a song straight. Wait. Scratch that, kiddies. Simon's right. Il Divo needs to go back to back up dancing for ‘Tasia on Broadway because he's wrong for this show on every level.

Jermaine Sellers/What's Going On/Marvin Gaye - OK, you want to sound current so you pick a 70's soul protest song? And then you sing it flat and under the pitch? Hmmm. Let me see. Young, current, hip, radio ready? Hell to the naw. And the voice is nails on a chalk board, darlings. He never found the notes. And way too many vocal gymnastics. Again. Some more. And he gave Judge #4 the chance to say something else relevant. What the hell? Kittens, I fear this kid just doesn't get it. Here are a few home truths for him. Truth #1: God is in the tub. Truth #2: Church singers can actually blow. You can't. Despite what your podunk, corner church might have told you. Truth #3: Every black church has that kid who grew up in the choir and had a lovely instrument before puberty hit and the voice changed and now he has some of the tools and tricks he learned from the choir director and he can kind of sing and the old ladies cluck cluck over him, "Baaabbbyy. You just have such a beautiful voice. Beautiful. Gawd has touched you, for sure." Don't believe it. That is true only within the confines of said podunk corner church. The more you know, kiddies.

Andrew Garcia/You Give Me Something/James Morrison - Oh my heavens. Kiddies, I didn't think I could love this little cholo kid any more than I do, but now that I know he can bust a move? I love him even more! Maybe after this show, he can go join Heavy Impact from ABDC. That would be awesome. Kittens, this cholo ex-banger is magic. He must lose the Michael Johns-ian scarf, though. That is a no-no. And truth? Kid can blow. The first part of the song was hot. He kind of fell apart on the chorus, there. Got off the note and he never really found it again. The back half of that song was a hot mess. And still, like Ellen, I love this kid. He's one of the few with natural charisma and star power.

D'Archie 2.0/My Girl/The Temptations - OK, why would you do a Temptations song before Motown Week? It's a guaranteed cheese fest. And he did the vibrato filled, country fried version? Sigh. Well, he was on pitch, which is more than I can say for the vast majority of tonight's contestants. So there's that, right? Sigh. But now what's he gonna do during Motown Week? (Cause, darlings, this kid is so making top 12) Simon was once again the only one telling the truth. Dewdrop was corny last night, but he's got a decent voice and he could be better than he is.

Crappy Replacement Boy/Come On Get Higher/Matt Nathanson – Another VH1 easy listening slow jam. Another quasi-mullet, bowl cut dude. White boys of America, what the fuck on the haircuts? Was there a fire sale on Flowbees and James Blunt sheet music somewhere? This kid is the most milquetoast, bland kid I've ever seen. Does anything about him say star? Does anything about him even say high school talent show contest winner? Rachel and Kurt on Glee would gut this chump like a fish and feast on his liver. Good grief. Darlings, he's a non-entity.

Lee Dewyze/Lips of an Angel/Hinder - Take off that hat, Mr. Nice Guy. Immediately. Or I can no longer kind of, sort of, just a teensy bit be starting to like you. He seems genuine and like he might have a lick of talent. But the song choice. Oh, noodles, the song choice. What happened? Nickelback couldn't clear? I hate this frikkin' song. And kiddies why was he under the pitch? Again! Was there something going on with the audio in the studio? Because almost every single contestant last night was under. And let me just state for the record, not being on pitch does, in fact, matter, AI judges. It matters a lot in a singing competition to be on pitch.

Going Home

Who knows, kittens? Who cares? They could all go except Andrew, Cowboy Casey and Lee, who’s sliding in on potential more than anything else. I’ll lay odds that at least one of the two black boys sticks around. Which one? Does it matter? The other one will go. And I’ll lay odds that at least one of the two mulleted white boys will stick around. Which one? Does it matter? The other one will go. John Park might also slide in as the other boot-ee. (He’s thisclose to rocking a mullet his damn self, so should he be gone, I’ll count that in my “win” column)

I’ll let the words of Sinead be my guide. I have to forget about last season. I have to forget that there were the highest highs (the Honeydip and Manic Panic and my Glitterbomb Boy/Girl Alien Sex God) and the lowest lows (Tattoo Sleeve and Frikkin’ Gokey). I must leave them to the past in order for my love for the show that bore them to survive. I don’t know if I’m strong enough, darlings, but I'll try to soldier on.  Cue the world's tiniest violin.

American Idol S9 Ep3 The Obama Effect

My kind of town? Chicago most definitely is not, Kittens. Chi-town turned out to be one humongous vat of suck, with a horrid to good audition ratio of all of them :: 1. Noodles, thank all the gods for Angela Martin and her pretty purple dress because otherwise, Oprah’s backyard was rolling snake eyes. Blame the Obama administration, no? Seems to be the thing to do. Lost a practically un-loseable election through sheer hubris and lack of moxie? Obama. Didn’t make Idol due to the fact that you are massively untalented and delusional? Obama. Make a sudden and ill advised decision that you make any kind of sense and attempt to insert your unwanted babbling into every occasion, Judge #4? Obama. Him and his negro dialect. Anyway, Chicago auditions were horrible and it’s barely worth our time, but I’m a completist, darlings, so let’s get it over with because the whole thing stinks like day old fish.

A good compromise, a good piece of legislation, is like a good sentence; or a good piece of music. Everybody can recognize it. They say, 'Huh. It works. It makes sense.'
Barak Obama


Angela Martin – "Huh. It works. It makes sense." Thank you, Mr. President. See, noodles? It’s really not that hard. Well, I mean, poor Angela’s life is hard. A baby who is some kind of afflicted with something, tragic father’s death, and of course she’s apparently a criminal with warrants so serious that they forced her to leave the competition. (And I’m sorry, but how many people get warrants that bad for a simple speeding ticket? Exactly? Angela looks like she knows what’s what. I’m not buying it) But alright, fine, the girl is a tragedy magnet. I don’t need to care about all that. You know why, kiddies? Of course you do. Your mamas didn’t raise no fools. Nobody gives a shit about all that because the girl can flat out blow. She’s pretty enough to put in Judge #4’s package and she has enough talent to make Simon get the dollar sign eyes and give her the Fantasia flirt. As Mr. Cowell said, she’s just good. And Ryan was so incredibly cute with her family. Sister girl does love his black queens. Sad that it took us almost half the show’s running time to get to the only truly good audition of the night, right?

The fact that my 15 minutes of fame has extended a little longer than 15 minutes is somewhat surprising to me and completely baffling to my wife.
Barak Obama

There was so much bad on display, kiddies. And not even interesting bad. Just ass out, ugly bad. Fat girl splits bad. White pants and suspenders wearing, no tears having bad. Delusional girls comparing themselves to JHud bad. More clueless losers than at a Michael Steele/Harold Ford, Jr. press junket bad. WTF, Chicago? Holy hell. The Dawg just about summed it up when he noted ruefully, “You shouldn’t even be doing that.” That goes for most of you, Chicago. I see you and I heartily disapprove.

Amy Lang – Not every Broadway kid can be Adam Lambert. I was exhausted by this girl just from watching her do the splits. And by the way, what is the fascination with contestants doing the splits this season?  Must we see someone do the splits every episode?  Once we make it to the Kodak, will they just have random audience members come up and do the splits each week if no one in the cast can pull it off or if the designated splitter gets sent home early?  Seriously.  No more splits.  But I digress.  The request at the end to get a second chance so that she could be serious? It was too late for that when she got up in the morning and put on that outfit. Next, please.

Curly Newburn – This Woman’s Work. I refuse to deal with any black man wearing that much white linen not named Billy Ocean.

Alannah Halbert – Someone should’ve bought Shania a clue on how to deal with the crap, fake auditioner. You don’t provide context clues. You cut, quick, hard and to the bone.

Brian Krause – Looked insane. War? What is it good for, darlings? Oh also, he’s a total bullshitter and I refuse.

Harold Davis – I don’t think so. Kittens, He was a joke before he even opened his mouth. Dressed like the good humor man. Wow. He was working with a lot.

Chicago, what the holy hell?

We need to internalize this idea of excellence. Not many folks spend a lot of time trying to be excellent
Barak Obama


Family, this is season 9 and I’m getting worried. I know, I say this every year. I remember KC from last early round auditions. But seriously, this is the best of the best in a big city like Chicago? This warmed over pabulum? This barely not bad enough to be mediocre is supposed to provide enough talent to fill up a top 24? Honestly. Half of these kids, if they worked at it a little bit, could be tons better than they are. What happened for striving for excellence? Darlings, this bunch is turning me crotchety. Well, crotchety-er. Get offa my lawn, Simon Fuller and Cecile Frot-Coutaz. And take these dogs with you.

Katelyn Epperly – I was bored by this girl and thus, needed to distract myself with some amusing questions and asides. Kittens, why does she have a growth in the middle of her forehead? Is she related to the goat-voiced vibrato boy? And were they trying to drum up sympathy because that girl’s parents got divorced? What is this, a 1973 after school special? And oh my god, she can’t sing. It was like an atonal nightmare. Yes, Shania, unique if by that you mean atonal. Ewww.

Charity Vance – Let’s see. 16. Blonde. Country. I hate her already. Noodles, was there ever any doubt she’d get in. This one is another Colonel in the making. . Summertime as sung by the Chipmunks? Lady Day should come back and bitch slap her into the middle of next week. And then Nina Simone should bury her 6 feet under. Small voice? Better qualities? What better qualities, Shania? On record, they could auto-tune the hell out of her voice, so of course she’d sound great on a record. Tell that to anyone who’s ever wasted money on Katy Perry live. This whole audition would’ve been garbage except for the fact that the production minions busted out the Family Ties theme song. Well played, minions. Well played.

John Park – Oh great, it’s the affirmative action Idol. Kittens, let’s not pretend that he made Hollywood week for any other reason than that they never have Asians on Idol. And here they finally have an Asian; he’s hot; he can kind of carry a tune. This fool was making it at least to Hollywood. Shame he doesn’t really sing well.

Paige Dechausse – Out of this whole sorry lot, I suppose she’s the one with a glimmer of a hint of potential to not be abysmal. Good tone to her voice, even if she was a tad over-ornamented. And seriously, darlings, what is with the kids not knowing the words to their auditions songs this early in the season. It’s your audition song. You’ve had your entire life to practice it. It’s A Change Is Gonna Come. That’s an iconic song. Sung on the Idol stage as recently as last season. Learn the damn words. But I love Grandma Roxy and her peroxide cloud. I wanna hang with Gramma Roxy and eat at some diner of the turnpike. We could do some damage.

Justin Ray was just screaming. Keith Sample was kind of turning it out on Richard Marx’ Heaven but he looked like a crazy tool. And Marcus Jones was way too ornamented on I’ll Be, AKA that song Played Out Idol Anthem #5. And all of them got through. Damn.

Why can't I just eat my waffle?
Barak Obama


The Chicago auditions were terrible, horrible, no good, very bad. I can see why they only made it an hour. And next stop is Orlando, boy band capital of the world. Joy. Noodles, is it just me? Have I lost that loving feeling when it comes to our favorite pop culture obsession? Or have the audition rounds really been just that barren of real talent? Time will tell, and we didn’t see even half of the golden tickets given out in the Windy City, so there’s always a chance that the show is just secreting all the good ones away for Hollywood Week and Ellen. But really, all I want is a few more good ones to make the bad ones go down more easily. I don’t want to endure the show. I want to enjoy it. Is that to much to ask, kittens? I think you know the answer to that.