What can I say, noodles? The girls were better than the boys, yes. But that's damning with very faint praise indeed. Mamasox was the only one I could say that I liked. The rest either fell into the category of poor song choice, OK vocal; good song choice, crappy vocal; or just all over bad. So let’s break it down just like that and then cut some more chaff from the tiny kernels of wheat we have working.
Good Song Choice, Good Vocal
Mamasox/As Long As I See The Light/Creedence Clearwater Revival - This girl can definitely sing. She's the real deal. I don't know that I over the moon loved it, but I liked it a whole lot, which is more than enough in this, the season of suck.
Poor Song Choice, OK Vocal
Katelyn/The Scientist/Coldplay – Points for picking the only Coldplay song I love unreservedly. To bad she arranged it like this was a funeral dirge. It’s already a slow ass song. Did it really need to be any slower? I think the answer to that is self evident, isn’t it kittens? Arrangement aside, she laid down one of the best vocals of the night. Same as she did last week. This girl might be a comer.
Katie/Girl, Put Your Records On/Corinne Bailey Rae - How is this a younger song than last week? This is a VH1, lite FM staple. As Ellen noted, it's Muzak to drill teeth by. I think she may really be a 90 year old woman with some Dorian Grey stuff popping off. Darlings, what 17 year old can’t name one singer under 20 that she’s into? Again here, she sang the song just fine, I guess. The verse was a little too low. But who cares, no? I couldn’t remember what she sang by the end of the night. Down with teenagers on this show, kittens. For real.
Good Song Choice, Crappy Vocal
Siobahn/Think/Aretha Franklin – The way she screeched her way through this song was not of the lord. Kiddies, I don't know what the judges were smoking while they listened to that performance, but I heard that Cypress Hill would like a word with them to find out who their dealer is. It was bad. And that big note they were dying over? That's the sound my cat makes when I accidentally step on her tail. Ewww. Dear Siobahn, here is a little note from me to you. You're not Aretha, but I like you. Go sit in the corner and consider what you've done. Oh, and don’t wear a strapless dress with a striped t-shirt under it which looked like, from the placement of the zipper in the back, it might actually have been all one piece! Like a short sleeved, strapless, t-shirt dress. Great googly moogly. Where does one even buy such a garment? That ain’t right.
Lily/A Change Gone Come/Sam Cooke – Who wants to hear a folksy, Lilith Faire version of this song? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Exactly, noodles. She wasn't nearly as good as Crystal. The judges, except Simon, over praised. It was an OK version of a song that was done much better just last season by Adam. That’s all.
Paige/Walk Away/Kelly Clarkson – Oh, look, kiddies. It’s the last black girl in the free world rocking the colored contact lenses. She's not even fit to wear Kelly Clarkson's hand me down caftans, and certainly not to sing this song. No breath control whatsoever. And I'm not the most down black girl around, but even I found myself marveling at how whitewashed she is. My dear mother, who graced me with her presence and stopped me from putting a fist through my shiny new flat screen upon which the lovely image of Ryan Seacrest prowled in his fabulous black fitted suit finally, paused to ponder why every friend we see of hers is some goofy looking white kid. And then we mourned for a second about the colored contacts and the Barbie hair weave. We both would like for her to go home soon. Won’t you make our wish come true?
Didi “Afghan” Benami/Lean on Me/The Staples Singers - Oh, as usual, dear. These kids need some themes, stat. They cannot be trusted with free choice days. She started out way too low and overcompensated once she got up into her head voice so that it got a little screechy in spots. Darlings, it might not have been as bad as the judges said, but it wasn't good. I did feel badly for her, though, and since everyone knows I'm heartless, that probably goes double for the rest of America, so I'm guessing she's good. You know, noodles, I was kind of liking her last week, even with the afghan incident. But the lousy vocal combined with an egregiously bad use of paisley and grommets (two tastes that never taste great together) have forced me to drop her. So sad when the love dies.
All Over Bad
Haeley/The Climb/Miley Cyrus - So Judge #4 made me so mad (like that's new). I agree that this girl could've done with more seasoning before being thrust into the gaping maw of 30 million viewers a week because half the time she's delicious and half the time she couldn't find the pitch with a shovel and a flashing neon sign pointing to a half unearthed hole in the ground where the pitch resides and stating "Dig here to find pitch." But since the judges knew this, why did they put her on the show this year? Bleagh. Anyway, she was horrible. And she looked like a black Mayim Bialik circa Blossom which . . . is a look, I guess. Bored now, darlings. We’re so very, very bored.
Lacey/Kiss Me/Sixpence None the Richer – Dawson’s Creek, kiddies. She did a pale imitation of a non-song song that's all quirk and bells and whistles anyway. From Dawson’s Creek! Oh, the humanity. Never listen to Judge #4, family. That's a recipe for disaster.
Michelle/With Arms Wide Open/Creed - There's never a good reason to sing a Creed song. Trust that this is so. And this girl has such a thin, reedy voice, there's no way she could bring the kind of power necessary to plow through this cheese. I suppose the first part of the song was passable for a drunken bachelorette party. But the back half of the song was tragic. And the final glory note was absolute booty. And she was dressed like a cupcake. And the black finger only gloves? Can they even be called gloves? Just wrong on every level. Bad fashion sense aside, she’s a very pretty girl. And close almost always counts for pretty girls on this show, so she might actually survive the week thanks to shallowness.
Going Home
Even black cowgirls get the blues, noodles. We should be seeing the back end of Haeley tonight. The other boot-ee? Hell if I know. Lacey? Michelle? Paige? Katie? It could be any of them or all of them. Put together, they’re worth as much as one second tier wannabe from season’s past – some Nikki McKibbin/Syesha Mercado leftovers.
Kittens, I’m so over this season of AI. In my travels around the net, I’m seeing a lot of Stockholm Syndrome. Folks are starting to love their captors. But I refuse Fuller and Frot-Coutaz. You can’t feed me shit and make me believe it’s caviar. Your little season is sucking ass. I would suggest you start praying or investing in intensive voice lessons for fully three quarters of your contestants very, very soon.
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