Sparkle Cat was out in force with her “just got fucked” bedhead still in full effect. She seemed happy and bubbly in spite of the tragic loss of Alex, which just goes to show that she was blissfully unaware that she would be getting royally dissed in the Emmy nominations race for the sake of second rate blondes like Heidi Klum Seal, who hasn’t been really good on Project Runway since around season 2. Emmy Interlude: Kudos to both Stacey and Mia who scored well deserved Emmy nods for Stacey’s lovely piece for Kathryn and Legacy and Mia’s Addiction dance for Kayla/Kupono. Shrug for Mia’s Emmy nod for the Randee/Evan butt dance. It was cute and all, but hardly statue worthy. Side eye for an Emmy nod for Mia’s choreography in that Broadway group routine set to One from A Chorus Line. Category 5 Bianca level stank face for the Emmy nod for make up. Oh Trannys. Who did y’all have to blow for that one? Laughing all day long and high fiving the Emmy committee for snubbing Tasty’s overrated cancer dance for Melissa and Ade. Manipulative, sentimental schmaltz. You don’t win an Emmy for making a girl dance around in white granny panties and schmatta and get hoisted up into lifts every once in a while by a strapping, bare chested man, although some might argue that one should. Now, where were we, darlings? Oh, I know! Cat and her shiny gold mini came out; the six remaining kids danced in boringly; Mia broke out another one of her ill advised headbands; Alex was all gorgeous and smiling reminding us of happier days during the partner and style pulls and then we were off. Most of the choreographers and most of the kids had solid nights last night. And now that Alex is out of the running, someone’s got to rise to the top, no? So let’s examine the evidence on a night so topsy turvy, so disorienting that TBC was top dog. What? I know, kittens!
Tops of the Night
TBC - Well, fuck. TBC kind of turned it out again this week. Y’all, I don’t think Lauren can pull a Jeanine and win this whole season, but through her consistently solid dancing thus far, she has forced me to renounce the hating. I mean, cracking on Kent and his pre-teen, Justin Beiber fan base? That shit is just funny.
Lauren and Pasha/Cha Cha/Jean Marc and Franz/Telephone – Well that was sexy and fun. TBC’s body is sick! And I want that dress. The footwork was on point and the hip action was going. She also brought the sexy smolder and, just like last week, she didn’t play exclusively to the audience. In short, she worked, family.
Lauren and Kent/Contemporary/Travis Wall/Collide – Noodles, this dance was everything. And TBC was heaven in it. The sequence on the floor was so damn beautiful. And the connection between the two of them was a joy to behold. TBC was light and airy. She portrayed that first blush of young love and overcame the world’s ugliest poofy pink prom dress. She has gorgeous lines, great center. Her extension is fancy and she is a very musical dancer. On the real, kiddies, this girl is serious. She’s had more good routines on the show than Billy. True fact. And, darlings, who’d have thought that at the start of the season?
Kent - The Wapokeneta kid was second best of the night? Yep. You betcha. He dialed it down several notches and quietly put in work last night. He navigated hip hop admirably well (with a huge assist from Dave Scott, whom he owes a fruit basket or something) and as we just discussed, the contemporary was lovely. He’s a quick study, this one. And with Alex gone, he has a real shot to be America’s Next Top Favorite Dancer.
Kent and Comfort/Hip Hop/Dave Scott/You’re Not My Girl – First, let us give props to the smart choreography by Dave Scott. It was genius of him to cast Kent as a knock off Justin Timberlake and craft a piece which allowed Kent to hit that 90s Boy Band video, quasi-hip hop vibe. Kent could totally rock it as the lost Backstreet Boy, couldn’t he? He was cool as the other side of that pillow. Smoothed out and sassy. Sexy for the very first time ever on this show. And yeah, he could’ve hit the hard parts of the routine a little bit harder, but he surprised me. Comfort continues to be a breath of fresh air as the hip hop female all star on this season. She’s become not only a fire breathing monster of hip hop dance on her own right, but also a great partner, bringing the sexy and the playful with Kent and really matching his output with her own when you know that she could’ve come much harder than that. Well done all the way round.
Kent and Lauren/Contemporary/Travis Wall/Collide – Great choreography. And darlings, it must be said. Fuck you, Nigel. Travis is a great choreographer. Period. Not a great contemporary choreographer. Get over your jazz hissy fit already, please. It’s boring and we’re bored. Now, as for Kent, well he was lovely in this piece. He partnered Lauren really well in this piece, something he had struggled with mightily in his dance with Allison. And he managed to stay focused and connected with Lauren. There was minimal mugging for the camera. It’s best not to speak about my suspicion that he’s trying to grow a scraggly Billy beard. All I can say is no. And yuck. And no. He was good. TBC was better.
Billy - He had a solid if not spectacular night, which will not win him this show, but was enough to get him into my top group. The Billy beard is scraggly and seven ways out of control. Someone needs to introduce this child to Crest White Strips. The crackhos in wardrobe and the trannys in hair and make up continue to hate him and dress him up in hideous outfits. And still, his stellar dancing sees him through. I love this kid and hope that he can increase his bring it quotient over the course of these next weeks. I’d love to see a truly spectacular technical dancer win this show. For once. For the love of Cthulu.
Billy and Katee/Broadway/Spencer Liff/McCavity the Mystery Cat – Spencer Liff! Cats!! Smart, enjoyable and inventive Broadway choreographer that references a Broadway great not named Bob Fosse! Please, oh please, darlings, let this be the end of Tasty Broadway. It’s so good when it’s like this. Billy was amazing in this piece. The movement did indeed sit well on him. And I know people are always going on about this kid’s kicks and extensions, which are awe inspiring, but kiddies, check the feet. Toe point of the gods! He hung in there with Katee (And who else was glad to see her back? Everyone? Who wouldn’t have wanted her as a permanent All Star instead of Mischa Chan? No one? Alright then) and that is not an easy task. The two of them together were a little bit of magic.
Billy and Jose/African Jazz/Sean Cheesman/The Hunt – Darlings, do you think Sean Cheesman thought anyone on the panel was going to respond positively to a dance that at one point featured Billy squatting on top of Jose’s chest practically dry humping him? This is the least hoyay show of all time. That was never going to fly. And seriously, SYTYCD needs to stop trying to do African dance or pieces that have an African dance flavor. Their current group of choreographers doesn’t know how to create pieces. The judges don’t know what it looks like when they see it, and they certainly don’t know what good African technique looks like. But most importantly, African Jazz continues to be a thing which is not a thing. It’s a made up, baloney style like “lyrical jazz” that means the choreographer is going to throw in a few extra arm movements, some flexed feet, maybe a contraction or two, and call it a day. The routine was bad, but Billy was better in it then he ever should have been. Those deep plies in second position all contorted with legs and chest distended at odd angles was ridiculous. He was creating polariod moments with each and every pose. Damn. He was good in that, kiddies. I just wish he’d been given better material to work with. Aside from Russell’s Princess and the Frog dance, I’ve been disappointed by Mr. Cheesman’s choreography.
Middle of the Road
Ashley - As always, Ashley was neither offensive enough to make me wish for her eradication from Earth nor outstanding enough to make me notice. She was just there. She danced. In one routine, the wardrobe ‘hos took her to a very bad, Hammer pants wearing place, and that should not happen to anybody. That’s pretty much all I remember about her.
Ashley and Dominic/Hip Hop/NappyTab/How Low – Fun routine by NappyTab again. Kittens, did the apocalypse happen and nobody bothered to let me know? Hip hop ninjas? Awesome. Dom was sharp and hard hitting, totally in character and bringing it as a member of a fantastic crew like Qwest should be. Ashley proved herself to be a more than adequate booty popper (she could’ve gotten a little bit lower, but for a non-pole dancer, not bad at all) and she broke out an impressive stripper split. But kiddies, how could I focus on any of the good dancing when the Hammer pants were burning my retinas and destroying everything good in my soul? Wardrobe hos, you must get off the stuff immediately. That costuming was not of the lord.
Ashley and Robert/Quickstep/Jean Marc and Franz/Man with the Hex – Franz speaks! And I know, according to the show, her name is actually France. But would you take the word of the production monkeys on this show? Exactly. “Oops, my bad!” is their middle name. Plus, Franz is just more fun to say and type. So, anyway. Franz speaks! Kittens, I was almost as excited as when they started acknowledging the existence of Melanie. Sadly, finding out that Franz was not, in fact, mute was the highlight of this whole segment, no? Because the dancing was not good. Ashley did a better job of holding her frame and fighting through the footwork than did Robert, and she managed to follow a horrible lead, which is not easy for a ballroom dance novice, BUT the whole thing was kind of a train wreck. Between the Hammer pants, the kiss of death Quickstep, and Ashley’s crazy forehead full of acne, I’d almost say that someone in production is trying to get her out this week. I, for one, could be down with that. Forgettable is the perfect description for this girl.
Robert and Kathryn/Jazz/Sean Cheesman/Sinking Feeling – I loved the concept behind this dance. Definitely a stronger outing for the hombre de queso. And the part of the routine that took place inside the box was killer. Well choreographed and well executed by both Kathryn and Robert. The part where they climbed up and out of the box was mmmm mmmm good. Darlings, it’s hard to make that kind of movement look like dancing rather than like, well . . . like rock climbing. The rest of the routine was interesting if a little disjointed. Robert seemed to match Kathryn very well. He had great amplitude on his leaps. He committed fully to the character, which was probably kind of easy for him since the gist of it was to act plastic which he already does. And on that note, that fakey fake falseness, that cheesy plastic attitude, is what’s killing Robert, not the perception that he’s arrogant. As usual, Nigel was talking out of his ass.
Robert and Ashley/Quickstep/Jean Marc and Franz/Man with the Hex – Robert sucked ass in this. The frame was all wrong; hunched, shoulders way up around his ears, dropped elbows. Horrid. The lobster claw hands were killing me softly. But the worst, oh noodles, the worst was that sad little barely pointed foot just kind of hanging out there on those attitude turns. Heinous. The horrible, fakey fake plasticness was also still in full effect, though neither needed nor appreciated in this routine. And whoever put so much rouge on that boy’s cheeks that he’d put a Raggedy Ann doll to shame should be whipped with that gimmicky cane. Bad trannys. Kittens, it was not aesthetically pleasing. And despite all that, Robert’s one good routine and one crappy routine were still enough to boost him over our two bottom dwellers of the night.
Bottom Two
Jose – Kiddies, he may be cuter than a basket full of kittens and puppies, but he is so clearly out of his depth amongst the dancers left on this show that it’s not even funny. He’s a moderately talented b-boy whose power moves lack a certain amount of power and he’s pretty hopeless outside of his own style. The judge pimping on this one is out of control and they can’t even pretend that it’s about anything other than how cute and charming they find him. Feh. This is not The Bachelor. You don’t get a rose just because you can sweet talk the girl. Bring it or get to stepping.
Jose and Lauren/Contemporary/Mandy Moore/Never Tear Us Apart – Oh, Mandy. You came and you gave without taking. Sadly, darlings, not even INXS could save this piece. Mandy was off her game tonight. This was a perfect example of how not to choreograph around a dancer’s limitation. Mandy stole straight out of the Mia Michael’s Make ‘em walk around and then sit at the back of the stage and then bare their chest while the girl dances school of “choreographing” for breakers and other hip hop dancers. Cedric is somewhere shaking his damn head. So Jose walked around aimlessly, served as a post for Lauren to dance around and off of, hoisted her up a couple of times, threw up an ugly, flexed foot every time his heel came even an inch off the ground, and then got praised by the judges for his heart and connection. Baloney, darlings. Don’t give me shit and expect me to believe it’s shineola.
Jose and Billy/African Jazz/Sean Cheesman/The Hunt – Maybe it was all the hoyay and he just couldn’t handle it? Kittens, Jose looked completely lost and slightly terrified throughout this entire dance. For his sake, I just wanted it all to stop. And seriously, it’s cringeworthy, kiddies, the way that the judges are treating this kid the way that misguided mom on the class field trip treats the special needs kid when she thinks she’s trying to be helpful but really she’s just babying him outrageously and embarrassing him, herself, the teacher and all the other kids. Stop it, judges. Treat this kid like a dancer and not like a “Feed me for $5 a day” Sally Struthers orphan. He is funking it up every week. Let him know what’s up. Don’t be that mom. No.
AdeChike – He was aggressively bad pretty much all night. Were the judges harsh in their critiques? Yes. Unneccesarily so, especially in light of the pass that they gave to Jose? Yes. That doesn’t make what AdeChike served up any tastier. Both routines lacked everything. That’s just real talk.
AdeChike and Courtney/Jazz/Mandy Moore/Is You Is or Is You Ain’t My Baby – Bad, bad night for Mandy. Even props couldn’t save her. I kept watching it and wondering when they were going to start dancing. Courtney writhing around on the bar in an fugly gold lame dress as AdeChike stared at her ass is not dancing. And when they finally did start dancing for what seemed like a measly 16 counts or so, it was neither particularly demanding nor particularly creative. And it was only passably danced. Courtney is a dancer who tends to dance up to the level of her partners, and here that didn’t serve her or AdeChike well. I was bored by this routine after the first four beats or so. Not a good effort.
AdeChike and
Going Home
Kittens, I’m nothing if not consistent. As much as it pains me to say it, Alex Frikkin’ Wong should be going home this week. Just as I argued last year with Fug Princess and all of the other fallen, if you can’t dance, you should go home. It’s not fair to the other contestants who came and competed and laid it on the line, whether they were magic or laid a total egg on stage. They were up there and the injured dancer wasn’t. They shouldn’t lose their spot to someone who couldn’t go. Those are the breaks.
Back in the land of reality, if both Jose and AdeChike wind up B3, I really think Jose should go home. He’s just not as good as any of the other kids left in the competition. I don’t think he will go home, however. In fact, I think he might not even hit B3. I wouldn’t be surprised if neither Jose nor AdeChike saw the B3 this week due to the two Ps: popularity and pity. It could very well be Robert and Ashley who hit B3. Quickstep has felled far more compelling dancers. If that happens, I think Robert will be going bye-bye. Much as the judges seem to love him, they love Alex and Ashley more, and it’s hard for me to believe they’d save him after so many consecutive weeks in the B3. Also hard to believe they’d voluntarily pared down to only one girl this season. So, if he’s in the B3, Robert’s toast. But who knows? And does it really even matter, kittens? Alex is gone and so is my investment in this season.
How’s that for a finish?
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