SYTYCD S7 Finals Ep1 Tan, Rested and Ready

Kittens, did you miss me? I’m just climbing up out of the deep dark hole I was thrust into by the last season of AI. Cecile Frot-Coutaz and her minions finally succeeded in breaking me, darlings, with their talentless contestants, the addition of yet another completely useless judge, the continued existence of Judge #4 on this planet, the impending loss of Simon, the deconstruction of Ryan’s sleek manscaping (Plaid button down and jeans? On my favorite wee pocket gay? Oh, the humanity!). Really, the whole thing was too much. I’m still fragile, noodles. I get twitchy every time I hear the words, “Lee DeWyze, your next American Idol.” Ptui. Let us never speak of it again.

So anyway, I’d decided I was done. Oh not watching, mind you. What else would I do while sitting on my couch eating Cracker Jacks. No, no. Done with caring. Done with investing. Done with recapping. And then Unca Nigel came around with his big ideas to destroy my other favorite show with his top 10 and his dubious labeling of the Hunchback and Mischa Chan as all stars of anything save being horrible people. And don’t even get me started on Dom. Kiddies, all seemed lost. But it seems there’s a spark of life left in my tiny, shriveled up blackened lump of a soul. And that spark was set on fire by one Alex Wong. So with the promise of one dancer to love to distraction and a gentle push from momo (Holla!), I’m back and ready to share all my most intimate thoughts on Cat Deeley and her whacked out fashions. (TrannyHos in the hizz-ouse) On the crack monkeys they have manning the cameras. I truly didn’t believe it could get any worse, but they’ve outdone themselves, haven’t they, kiddies? I have to think now they’re just fucking with us. On our intrepid panel, still relevant only about half the time which makes them 100% more relevant than the AI panel and that’s a thing. And of course, the kids. The kids are fire, y’all! And they might just make this all star thing happen in spite of itself. So let’s dig in. Just pretend that you know everything I’ve been thinking up through Meet the top 11, because really? Don’t you? I knew that you did. First performance episode, bitches. Bring it.

I know all is right with the world whenever Cat wears the re-inforced bump-it bun. And in my imagination, the kids dance ins were all superb since that’s all I have to go on, crack monkeys. And then it was time to get our dance on. All the kids were really good last night, but only a few managed to pull focus from their all-star partners, so we will divide into Caught the Eye vs. Faded Away. Although some caught the eye in a bad way (Kent) but we’ll get to that.

Caught the Eye

Alex and Allison/Sonya/Lyrical/Hallelujah - Alex now. Alex forever. Kittens, this boy is everything. There are no words. I loved everything about that piece. There was not one moment I didn't love. He doesn’t leap, he floats. He doesn’t turn, he whirls, he doesn’t extend, he expands beyond the realm of what’s even possible. He’s up there in the pantheon for me with Danny and Blake and it’s only episode one. I’m waiting to see him in other styles, since up until now, we’ve only seen him in lyrical and more lyrical. But what a delight, no? And the business with Cat while she gave out his numbers? Genius. Amazing dancer and adorable goofball. What does this kid not do? And on the all star front, the fact that Allison didn't even make top six on her season continues to boggle the mind. She and Alex were a dream together. Alex Wong, y'all. I give up. I'm already out of superlatives. And yes, it's week one. Honestly.

Robert and Courtney/Sean Cheesman/African/Some Cirque du Soleil song - Mr. Cheesman was a welcome addition to the SYTYCD stable ‘o choreographers last year when he set that amazing princess and the frog piece on Noelle and Russel. Sadly, that was far better than what he served up last night. There was precious little African in this African jazz, I'll tell you what. And Robert was way too pulled up doing what little African there was. Contrary to what the judges said, it was far from the best African infused piece they have had on the show in terms of either choreography or execution. That would still be Tasty's Lion King group dance with Danny and Sabra crushing it. Robert was good here, though. The boy has skills. And he's awfully pretty. Noodles, you know that goes a long way with me. He managed to outshine Courtney, which I think will happen often as she is a solid dancer, but not really a star.

Ashley and Neil/Tasty/Contemporary/Some Donny Hathaway cut – This was a fine piece, though nothing to write home about. Tasty does so much better in this style. Why won't the show recognize? And it was danced well. Ashley has great technique, gorgeous lines, she’s very light on her feet, good solid center. And the Hunchback, well, I’d hesitate to say he was a revelation, but he certainly has improved by leaps and bounds from the bad old days of S3, hasn’t he darlings? There was some actual dance content there, not just stomping around from trick to trick. And he learned how to pull up. Strangé, Dancer Formerly Known as Hunchback. But there was no there there. There were steps but no feeling. Ashley's just such a non-entity, noodles. It’s like she’s aggressively boring. I don’t know who she’s in love with, but I hope that person tells her to grow a personality soon. Still, she danced up to Neil’s level and they made a well matched pair. I watched her just as much as I watched him. And on a night like tonight? Darlings, that spells victory.

Kent and Anya/Tony and Melanie/Cha Cha/Lady Marmalade – Way to throw Kent into the deep end without a life preserver and see if he floats, Nigel. I love Kent. He's cuter than a basket of kittens and puppies. But can I keep it real with y'all? Anya drank that fool's milkshake. It was like watching a full grown woman dance with her pre-pubescent nephew at some family wedding. She's inappropriate and he's a teensy bit watch from the hall but it works because they're both trying soooo hard. His footwork in many places was not good. The hip action was kind of there in some sections, but other times not. He handled the lifts beautifully. And he did make a game attempt to lead. Oh, I know what it was like! It was like watching a really talented junior dancer do an exhibition with his teacher. You could tell that he has all the potential and the tools to be crazy amazing (Cramazing? Yes, I like it!), but he's not quite there yet. Still, he's adorable and not going anywhere anytime soon and everybody knows it, Kittens. And his ridiculous mugging ensured that he didn’t get overshadowed by Anya, who is a force and don’t you forget it. So good work, Kent. Be less cheesy next time, mkay? Love you. Mean it.

Faded Away

Billy and Lauren/Tasty/Broadway/Footloose – Kittens, I don’t think Billy got outdanced by Mischa Chan because that is against the laws of physics and the natural world. Instead, I think the whole piece was so underwhelming that both of them just got lost. To pull Mischa Chan, Broadway and Tyce all in the same week and get stuck going first? Someone in production hates Billy. Given what little he had to do, he killed it technically, but really? Really? First dance fail. I thought Shankdaddy's critiques would’ve been on point if there’d been some nuance available to be danced. But you can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear, darlings. And Tasty served up about 100 pounds of pork with that mess of a routine. All gesticulating wildly and arms and jumping around doing herkies. You can’t ask him to become a Mark-style performer while emulating that SNL Will Farrell cheerleader skit. On a separate note, while I refuse, on general principle, to address most of the revealed secrets, I loved seeing Tool Time with Billy and Billy's dad. Awwww. I love these dads who love their not dead gay sons. I will attribute it to the fine model put forth by Kurt’s dad Burt on Glee. Because all good things come from Glee.

Lauren and Ade/Mandy Moore/Jazz/Oh Yeah - Oh, Mandy. How I adore your obsession with cheesy bad 80s pop. Kittens, here’s another one where it wasn’t exactly that the newbie got outdanced by the all star. I found Ade and Lauren to be fairly well matched. But they had no chemistry and no connection between them. From either side. This was the least sexy “sexy” dance I’ve ever seen. It just felt like neither Ade nor Lauren got it. Each of them might as well have been alone up on that stage. And someone needs to smack that smile off of Toothy Blonde Cheerleader's face because for real? It's just not on. I think Adam might actually do it before the season is out. Did you catch his face when she interrupted his “You don’t get it” critique? He was ready to cut a bitch. I kind of hate her a lot. Technically, she’s very solid but I think she might be a fembot.

Jose and Comfort/NappyTab/Hip Hop/ Some Ne-Yo song about monsters – Family, NappyTab are so booty. Why are they still here? That choreography did no one any favors. Neither the song nor the steps were hip hop under any definition of the genre I've ever known. Jose danced what he was asked, so in that sense it was OK, I suppose. I still want more power and dynamism from his b-boying. His tricks always look so slow and labored. Comfort is a phenomenal hip hop dancer. Too bad she was handcuffed by all the lack of hip hop.

Alexie and Twitch/NappyTab/Hip Hop/Butterfly - Another lyrical hip hop mash up of suckiness. It was overly twee from the jump, but Alexie made it even more twee. I agree with the judges, no swag. She had anti-swag. Not that she had a lot to work with. On top of the bad choreography, she danced like she was on a UDA dance team, which makes sense coming from a former Laker Girl. She’s cute as a button, though.

Melinda and Pasha/Tony and Melanie/Jive/Song? Who knows? - Awwwww. I love Tony and Melanie. That was a fun routine. And packed. They did not go easy. I thought Melinda started off relatively well. The character and performance were there from the jump, and the technique was not all bad. The flicks and high kicks were good. She was fast and light on her feet. Nice arm placement and extension. Then she got tired, which makes sense because jive is no joke. It will kick your ass. About half way through, her form totally fell apart and that's when the pigeon toed thing started happening. And how can you not get completely outclassed by Pasha? Damn! Just hot damn, noodles. It’s not right to be that fine.

And now to my two favorite all stars. Get rid of their partners and just have them dance together every week because they tore it up in Travis’ Meet the Top 11 routine!

Cristina and Mark/Sonya/Jazz/Missed the song - Mark! That said, I did not enjoy the routine. Kiddies, Sonya has done much better. THAT said, Mark turned it out. He's a beast. I think he's gotten even better since he was on the show. I kind of have to join the judges in giving it up to Cristina. That style of movement had to sit so strangely on her body, and while Mark did blow her away, she had some nice moments. The attitude that Mia pointed out was also an "Alright, then" moment for me. And Noodles, can we take a moment to give a hell to the naw to Mia’s use of the term “Mamá”? Are we all agreed that she can’t rock it like that? Lovely. Moving along. The toe point on Cristina was not at all bad for someone used to dancing shod all the time. She handled the sinuous motion very well. All in all, I enjoyed her more than I enjoyed the piece. And Mark! Mark licking Cristina’s leg! I died, kittens. I died. The bitch never broke character, even when walking off stage. Watch and learn, newbies. Watch and learn. I hope GaGa is handling that correctly, or making sure he gets handled often and by someone who knows how if she's not his thing. He’s so pretty.

Adechike and Kathryn/Travis Wall/Lyrical/Addicted to Love - Kathryn was everything in that routine. She was serving. Exquisite. And Ade was just . . . there. Darlings, I have never missed Anthony Burrell more. That dance called for a man, grown and sexy, and Ade just did not deliver. Points off to Travis for going back to the naughty secretary well and because the dance was practically a love letter to Kathryn. She’s a gorgeous dancer and I love her, too, but poor Adechike just had to stand around and lift an awful lot, or catch, or just sit in a chair and get pushed around. Definite bottom 3 bait.

Bottom Three

Who knows, kittens? And isn’t that delicious? Adechike has got to be one. Beyond that? It’s anyone’s guess. Why? Because this tope 11 is just that good. Well done, show. I’d be sad to lose anyone because I kind of want to see what else they can all do. Except TBC. Yeah, she can go anytime now, but she won’t, because tweens hate me and this is their world. I’m just a squirrel trying to get a nut. I’ll predict a B3 of Adechike, for being the worst of a really good lot, Melinda for being buried in the middle and kind of ill suited to the style, and Ashley for being so forgettable. I’ll go with Melinda for the boot, but I wouldn’t bank on it.

Awww.  It's good to be home, noodles.