My kind of town? Chicago most definitely is not, Kittens. Chi-town turned out to be one humongous vat of suck, with a horrid to good audition ratio of all of them :: 1. Noodles, thank all the gods for Angela Martin and her pretty purple dress because otherwise, Oprah’s backyard was rolling snake eyes. Blame the Obama administration, no? Seems to be the thing to do. Lost a practically un-loseable election through sheer hubris and lack of moxie? Obama. Didn’t make Idol due to the fact that you are massively untalented and delusional? Obama. Make a sudden and ill advised decision that you make any kind of sense and attempt to insert your unwanted babbling into every occasion, Judge #4? Obama. Him and his negro dialect. Anyway, Chicago auditions were horrible and it’s barely worth our time, but I’m a completist, darlings, so let’s get it over with because the whole thing stinks like day old fish.
A good compromise, a good piece of legislation, is like a good sentence; or a good piece of music. Everybody can recognize it. They say, 'Huh. It works. It makes sense.'
Barak Obama
Angela Martin – "Huh. It works. It makes sense." Thank you, Mr. President. See, noodles? It’s really not that hard. Well, I mean, poor Angela’s life is hard. A baby who is some kind of afflicted with something, tragic father’s death, and of course she’s apparently a criminal with warrants so serious that they forced her to leave the competition. (And I’m sorry, but how many people get warrants that bad for a simple speeding ticket? Exactly? Angela looks like she knows what’s what. I’m not buying it) But alright, fine, the girl is a tragedy magnet. I don’t need to care about all that. You know why, kiddies? Of course you do. Your mamas didn’t raise no fools. Nobody gives a shit about all that because the girl can flat out blow. She’s pretty enough to put in Judge #4’s package and she has enough talent to make Simon get the dollar sign eyes and give her the Fantasia flirt. As Mr. Cowell said, she’s just good. And Ryan was so incredibly cute with her family. Sister girl does love his black queens. Sad that it took us almost half the show’s running time to get to the only truly good audition of the night, right?
The fact that my 15 minutes of fame has extended a little longer than 15 minutes is somewhat surprising to me and completely baffling to my wife.
Barak Obama
There was so much bad on display, kiddies. And not even interesting bad. Just ass out, ugly bad. Fat girl splits bad. White pants and suspenders wearing, no tears having bad. Delusional girls comparing themselves to JHud bad. More clueless losers than at a Michael Steele/Harold Ford, Jr. press junket bad. WTF, Chicago? Holy hell. The Dawg just about summed it up when he noted ruefully, “You shouldn’t even be doing that.” That goes for most of you, Chicago. I see you and I heartily disapprove.
Amy Lang – Not every Broadway kid can be Adam Lambert. I was exhausted by this girl just from watching her do the splits. And by the way, what is the fascination with contestants doing the splits this season? Must we see someone do the splits every episode? Once we make it to the Kodak, will they just have random audience members come up and do the splits each week if no one in the cast can pull it off or if the designated splitter gets sent home early? Seriously. No more splits. But I digress. The request at the end to get a second chance so that she could be serious? It was too late for that when she got up in the morning and put on that outfit. Next, please.
Curly Newburn – This Woman’s Work. I refuse to deal with any black man wearing that much white linen not named Billy Ocean.
Alannah Halbert – Someone should’ve bought Shania a clue on how to deal with the crap, fake auditioner. You don’t provide context clues. You cut, quick, hard and to the bone.
Brian Krause – Looked insane. War? What is it good for, darlings? Oh also, he’s a total bullshitter and I refuse.
Harold Davis – I don’t think so. Kittens, He was a joke before he even opened his mouth. Dressed like the good humor man. Wow. He was working with a lot.
Chicago, what the holy hell?
We need to internalize this idea of excellence. Not many folks spend a lot of time trying to be excellent
Barak Obama
Family, this is season 9 and I’m getting worried. I know, I say this every year. I remember KC from last early round auditions. But seriously, this is the best of the best in a big city like Chicago? This warmed over pabulum? This barely not bad enough to be mediocre is supposed to provide enough talent to fill up a top 24? Honestly. Half of these kids, if they worked at it a little bit, could be tons better than they are. What happened for striving for excellence? Darlings, this bunch is turning me crotchety. Well, crotchety-er. Get offa my lawn, Simon Fuller and Cecile Frot-Coutaz. And take these dogs with you.
Katelyn Epperly – I was bored by this girl and thus, needed to distract myself with some amusing questions and asides. Kittens, why does she have a growth in the middle of her forehead? Is she related to the goat-voiced vibrato boy? And were they trying to drum up sympathy because that girl’s parents got divorced? What is this, a 1973 after school special? And oh my god, she can’t sing. It was like an atonal nightmare. Yes, Shania, unique if by that you mean atonal. Ewww.
Charity Vance – Let’s see. 16. Blonde. Country. I hate her already. Noodles, was there ever any doubt she’d get in. This one is another Colonel in the making. . Summertime as sung by the Chipmunks? Lady Day should come back and bitch slap her into the middle of next week. And then Nina Simone should bury her 6 feet under. Small voice? Better qualities? What better qualities, Shania? On record, they could auto-tune the hell out of her voice, so of course she’d sound great on a record. Tell that to anyone who’s ever wasted money on Katy Perry live. This whole audition would’ve been garbage except for the fact that the production minions busted out the Family Ties theme song. Well played, minions. Well played.
John Park – Oh great, it’s the affirmative action Idol. Kittens, let’s not pretend that he made Hollywood week for any other reason than that they never have Asians on Idol. And here they finally have an Asian; he’s hot; he can kind of carry a tune. This fool was making it at least to Hollywood. Shame he doesn’t really sing well.
Paige Dechausse – Out of this whole sorry lot, I suppose she’s the one with a glimmer of a hint of potential to not be abysmal. Good tone to her voice, even if she was a tad over-ornamented. And seriously, darlings, what is with the kids not knowing the words to their auditions songs this early in the season. It’s your audition song. You’ve had your entire life to practice it. It’s A Change Is Gonna Come. That’s an iconic song. Sung on the Idol stage as recently as last season. Learn the damn words. But I love Grandma Roxy and her peroxide cloud. I wanna hang with Gramma Roxy and eat at some diner of the turnpike. We could do some damage.
Justin Ray was just screaming. Keith Sample was kind of turning it out on Richard Marx’ Heaven but he looked like a crazy tool. And Marcus Jones was way too ornamented on I’ll Be, AKA that song Played Out Idol Anthem #5. And all of them got through. Damn.
Why can't I just eat my waffle?
Barak Obama
The Chicago auditions were terrible, horrible, no good, very bad. I can see why they only made it an hour. And next stop is Orlando, boy band capital of the world. Joy. Noodles, is it just me? Have I lost that loving feeling when it comes to our favorite pop culture obsession? Or have the audition rounds really been just that barren of real talent? Time will tell, and we didn’t see even half of the golden tickets given out in the Windy City, so there’s always a chance that the show is just secreting all the good ones away for Hollywood Week and Ellen. But really, all I want is a few more good ones to make the bad ones go down more easily. I don’t want to endure the show. I want to enjoy it. Is that to much to ask, kittens? I think you know the answer to that.
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