Open on a scene of sartorial devastation, a blasted stage where girls in high waisted shorts with gold buttons down the front roam free; where boys - boys!- cavort in Dirty Dancing style cut off jeans with rolled cuffs; where the lovely and talented Cat Deeley is done up like a high priced feather duster. Noodles, the TrannyHos in make up and wardrobe are back on the crack hard core. Alert your local 12 step program. And that fashion tragedy was just the beginning of an extremely underwhelming evening of dance entertainment. Kittens, half the kids gave good technique and so-so performances. Half the kids gave good performances but missed on the technique. And half the kids just completely missed the mark, while the other half (which was really only just the one couple, but work with me) gave the sole complete performance of the night with high performance quality and great technique on display but it was wasted on a made up nonsense style choreographed to the single worst Beyonce song of all time (and that's saying something) and danced by the least appealing contestant/all-star pairing in the universe. Sigh. How can the kids be so talented, the all stars so freakishly beautiful, and the judging for the most part on point and all that still combine into a spectacularly dull hour of television? Well, let's just chat about that and figure it out, shall we?
Half a Loaf
So these were the kids whose spirit was willing, but their flesh was weak. Good sports to the last drop, but not a one of them really captured the essence of the dances they were being asked to portray. Part of that can be attributed to them and part of that can be attributed to the fact that the choreography for the most part last night sucked ass or was just OK. Still and all, I had more fun watching this group than the group who brought technique but no artistry to their work, didn't you, kiddies?
Cristina and Pasha/Paso Doble/Jean Marc and Franz/The same classical song they always use – I love Jean Marc and Franz and Franz' radioactive hair. And Cristina is a real cutie. I tried to pay attention to her, but I was distracted by all the Shirtless Pasha. The lifts at the beginning were a little tentative, but that’s understandable. And really, the choreographers went a little lift crazy last night, no? I woudl like more dance in my dance, kittens. Pasha was everything in this dance, despite the heinous brown pants he was rocking. (TrannyHos-Stink Eye-Forever) Pasha's carriage is just insane. I thought Cristina did well, too, but she can’t hang with him. It’s kind of not at all fair. Paso is already the most man-centric of all the Latin dances and on top of it, Cristina had to compete with Pasha and yeah, she lost. On another note, "Mucho caliente"? Oh, Shankdaddy. Don’t try to speak Spanish. I’m embarrassed for you.
Alex and Lauren/Broadway/Tyce/Summertime – Oh my stars! Alex Wong was an adorable baby. So, so cute. But why stick him with Tasty? Tasty Broadway? Tasty Broadway inspired by the Fosse style? The hell you say. Good lord, Bob Fosse should rise up from his grave and slap this fool into the middle of next week. In the abstract, Alex was amazing, obvi, but this style of movement is so different for a ballet dancer. All the hips and the hunched shoulders. And his performance as an example of that style was not perfect. He was still a little too pulled up, not quite grimy enough. But he did well with the leaps and the kicks and the turns and the whole all of all. That was fantastic. As is so often the case, kiddies, Nigel didn't really know what he was talking about when it comes to the demands of the style. Hunched shoulders are a Fosse trademark. Nigel’s full of shit. I got what Mia and Shankdaddy meant, however. The movement did need to be smaller. I think the thing with Fosse was actually that he wasn’t an extravagantly talented dancer so he created this whole style of movement that played off of hunched shoulders and sunken hips and the smallest of movements, a snap, a flick of the foot, a quarter turn having meaning. He also played with a lot of bump ‘n grind vaudeville movement which is not as elegant or as refined as ballet movement tends to be. So I think it’s fair to say that while I loved it because I loved watching Alex move, it wasn’t Fosse. Oh, and the choreo was ass. But that’s a given with Tasty Broadway, soooooo . . .
Robert and Anya/Argentine Tango/Jean Marc and Franz/Libertango – I’ll agre with all the Buffistas that I’m not feeling blonde Anya. And Robert is so cheesy. I wish he weren’t, noodles. He’s like Jim Carrey levels of cheesy. But that just seems to be a character flaw, and really he was killing it in terms of the look and the attitude. Holy hell. And I know many, many dancers who would die for that plie in second position. It wasn’t as good as some of the best tangos on the show – Brandon/Janette or Danny/Sarah. But it was good from a performance standpoint. He was a good lead. Strong and in command. There was passion. His ganchos were good, although the rest of the footwork was a little bit sloppy. It must've been challenging, too, since his pro, Anya, is not a tango expert either. I agreed with Shankdaddy that the style didn’t sit entirely comfortably on him, but I thought he was better than what they gave him credit for. I was really liking him until he went right back to cheesing through his numbers. Sigh. He makes me tired.
Jose/Kathryn/Bollywood/Nakul/Won’t even pretend with the song – I guess they were hoping for some of that Kathryn/Legacy lightning to strike twice. But you can't always get what you want, darlings. Jose really gave it the old college try. And no, it was not perfect. He kind of lost steam about halfway through the routine and there were a few too many b-boy moves, freezes and such, thrown in for good measure. But that was fun. He looked like he had fun. Some of the turns were excellent. Kathryn is gorgeous and was gorgeous and will be gorgeous. It was ever thus. Overall, good performance quality. So-so dance quality. Why, it's almost like a theme, kittens.
Better Than None
The kids in this group brought their bags of tricks with them, but they forgot to put their personalitites in the bags. Something is missing with these contestants, no? There's no there there. Darlings, had I not been taking notes, I'd have forgotten what half of them did almost immediately.
Adechike and Allison/Contemporary/Mandy Moore/Listen to Your Heart – Oh, Mandy. Don’t ever change. I love how much she loves cheesy 80’s and early 90’s pop. Who else would use Roxette? Kittens, Adechike’s just a charisma chasm. But Allison. Oh, my word! Allison is so gorgeous. Just a beautiful, breathtaking dancer. And once again, she was giving it. She was dancing with him and he was doing steps. He’s got great technique. And he tried to bring more, but emoting and feeling the movement is not the same as just smiling. The judges actually gave good critique. He needs to get lost in his dances. You can see the wheels turning and see him thinking through the steps and not living and breathing them. The judges were right on. Sadly, I don’t know that he has that thing that they are asking him for.
Ashley and Mark/Lyrical Jazz/Travis Wall/Wonderful – Kittens, didn't finding out that Ashley was a competition kid from early on explain soooo much? She’s like the female Adechike. Technically proficient, but emotionally vacant. But who cares about that, kiddies. There was Mark. Shirtless Mark! Smoking hot, sexy Mark! Holy shit. I thought the choreo from Travis was fine. And OK, it wasn't jazz. I'll give you that. But it was better than half the crap put out there on that stage last night, so Nigel can bite me. And going back to it after Tasty's choreo? Yeah, not cool at all. Travis looked ready to cut a bitch. Anyway, kittens, Mark was everything. Ashley was beautiful technically, but reall brought no connection, no heat, nothing. It wound up being just two people doing steps. Beautiful steps, but steps nonetheless. And ummm, shirtless Mark. God DAMN! During their critiques, the judges were trying to get away from saying that Ashley’s boring but fuck that noise. She’s proficient and boring.
Kent and Courtney/Jazz/Tasty/Amy Amy Amy – Oh my. When I heard the theme, I figured Kent would do well with this in terms of movement quality, but sexual tension? Yikes. And a cunniliftus? Has Tasty been spending time with Doriana? Yuck. Kent in bondage gear blew my mind, family. It was gorgeously danced. This boy moves like a dream. But the sexy face? With the open mouth? Yeah, It was kind of laughable. But my stars, that barrel turn, almost kind of like a rotating stag leap? Thing of beauty. And the toe point on this kid is insane. Insane. He’s a gorgeous thing. And he’s so sweet he could cause sugar shock. Once again, like with Adechike and Ashley, technique on point. Performance, not so much. And not because he lacks personality, just that he’s not believable as a sexual beast. It actually might’ve worked better if he had danced it with Mark.
No Loaf
These pairs had a miss on the performance quality and a miss on technique. Bad dancers! No biscuits for you.
Melinda and Ade/Contemporary/Stacy Tookey/Squander – Dammit, TrannyHos! What was Melinda wearing? Crack is whack, kittens. Words to live by. Melinda needs tons more extension. She needed to reach through the tippy tips of her fingers and toes. Right now, she always looks very contained. She needs to let go more. That part where she was pushing Ade with her head on his stomach needed so much more. More tension. More push/pull. More energy. Just more everything. She just lacked intention for me. Darlings, I was much less impressed with her than the judges were. She doesn’t get the “Oh, you’re just a X" pass. Almost all the kids were dancing out of their style/comfort zone last night and that’s what this show is all about. If you didn’t come to party, take your broke broke home. I’d be happy to let her go this week.
Billy and Comfort/Krump/Lil C/So U Think U Can Krump – Billy in pleather with flames? That’s like Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds! Billy saying “Boosh” was kind of the best thing about Billy's entire section, noodles. And the buck face? Awww, baby, you’re not buck. He looked like he was on puppet strings. And the running leaps with the pointed feet? And the miles of turn out? Baby. No. There’s no pointed feet in Krump. Well, he was really trying. That’s . . . something. And Comfort was killing it and yet still trying to keep it matched up with Billy. But, for real? It wasn’t good. Worst of the night by a long shot.
Whole Loaf
Lauren and Dom/Lyrical Hip Hop/Tessandra Chavez/If I Were a Boy – Oh perfect, my two least favorite dancers of the season together. Thanks, Nigel. But hey, new hip hop choreographer blood. And OK. Toothy Blonde Cheerleader was kind of tearing it up. I still dislike the whole concept of lyrical hip hop. It's not a thing. But this choreo was better than NappyTab in this style. And TBC was good. Much more connected than last week. And she’s just a good dancer. Good like “whoa!” And Dom is a great, great b-boy, and he’s gotten so much better since dancing with Qwest. He’s ridiculous. Yeah, she was good. Better this week. I still don’t care for her. Keep hating alive.
Bottom Three
So this was a weird night. Nobody put it all together. Either the kids had the performance quality but lacked in embodying the style/technique of the dance they were given or they had the technique but something in the performance/feel of the dance was missing. The bottom two in terms of performance for me were clearly Melinda and Billy. That said, I would never want to see Billy hit B3, kiddies, because I love him, but I do think he was objectively the worst on that stage tonight. The clear best of the night, the one who came closest to giving both solid technique and good performance was TBC (and I think I lost my lunch just having to type that). I’ve no idea who B3 will be, but I think and hope Adechike will hit B3 this week and maybe even go home because he’s just like dance wallpaper. I think Melinda may go B3 again, even though the judges tried to prop her up. She wasn’t great. The third spot is hard. I think it could be Ashley, though she was technically gorgeous in the dance and that may save her. Could be Cristina again. She went first and she was OK, but not outstanding. People may forget about her. I think Billy and Alex have enough of a fan base to keep them out of B3, even though you could make a case for both of them to be there (Billy more so than Alex). Yeah, I don’t know. This was a very mixed bag kind of a night. No one hit it out of the park, so anyone could be in danger.
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