It’s still only 6:45 on the West Coast, Kittens, so I’m technically getting this recap of last week’s results show in under the wire. Let me pause to have a little Kevin Spacey in American Beauty “Yes, I rule!” moment. And . . . now I’m done. And really, there wasn’t much to last week’s show, was there? I mean, some choreographer who I didn’t know set a piece on the kids that was one quarter Sonya Tayeh, one half Tasty in his contemporary incarnation (complete with inexplicably bad costuming and staging), a smidge of Mandy Moore-ian nostalgic feeling 80’s video moves along with some really bad, vaguely synth pop music, and then the requisite horrible camera work from the crack monkeys. Your group routine, kiddies. And I hate that the all stars are in every. damn. thing. Can’t the new kids have one thing that’s just for them? Are the all stars getting dance intros next? Make it stop.
As for the rest of the special guest appearances on the night, I’d just seen that Twyla Tharp piece on the Tony awards and the producers of that show sprung to have the rest of the backup dancers plus sets onstage, so this just seemed like a cheap retread. Loosen the purse strings, Mr. Fuller. Usher sang the same crap ass song he sang on Idol like 30 million years ago. And just as poorly and autotuned all to hell. They might’ve even done the same choreography. And then he tried to get me to watch the Beiber creature’s new video but not even for former ABDC contestants because that little man/woman concoction is creepy as all get out and I refuse. And that was about the size of it, noodles.
And then we wound up being reminded once again of just how hard Nigel and Co. had to pimp and manipulate the audience to bring about the Sabra win and how Jeanine had to be more awesome than the most awesome thing you can think of and pull off one of the single best turn sequences in SYTYCD history while clutching a rose between her teeth to beat someone as limited and one-dimensional as Evan for fuck’s sake because the B3 wound up being all girls despite the fact that Adechike sucked all the air out of the room on performance show night and if there were a stronger term than outclassed to describe what Kathryn did to him on that stage, I’d use it but bottom line is bitch should’ve been in the bottom three but wasn’t because America hates girls. Cooties and all, don’t you know, darlings?
So we got Melinda, Alexie, and Cristina in the B3, with Alexie going home for being generically cute and having the misfortune of pulling a NappyTab routine right out the gate. And for not having a penis, of course, but what was she going to do about that? Maybe she should’ve sought advice from Mark’s boss, Lady Gaga? All three girls gave underwhelming solos and all 3 will be gone soon, especially with this format. I wouldn’t be surprised if all the boys outlast every single girl save TBC.
So farewell to Alexie. I hope Kent can recover by tonight because he seemed awfully broken up. Robert still needs to stop mugging excessively. Alex is still the most beautiful thing on the planet. Billy is still a freaky alien but somehow it works for him. Everyone else needs to grow a personality. Or in the girls’ case, a personality and a pair. With a quickness.
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