Cat looked like a goddess rocking the 40’s glam look and that meant we were in for a good night, kittens. Or so I thought. But much like the 40’s which were a time of great highs (like Casablanca!) and great lows (like the actual World War that provided the source material for Casablanca), our show last night was the best of times and the worst of times. The good was ah-mazing: everything Brandon and Janette related; Caitlin finally sparkling as she should have done throughout the competition; Kayla and Kupono’s first routine; the continued emergence of Jeanine as secretly all kinds of awesome; Anya and Pasha choreography; and the long awaited return of Melanie! The bad was indescribable: everything Randi and Evan danced; Chbeeb finally losing the last bit of sparkle that clung to him; Kayla and Kupono’s second routine; the continued realization that Tasty sucks monkey balls; random ass folk dance choreography; and the much dreaded return of NappyTab. On balance, the good outweighed the bad for me, noodles, because we finally got some memorable routines that I want to see on tour. “Which ones?” you might ask. Well, let’s just see, shall we?
Ade and Melissa
Normally, I adore these two, but they were really just kind of there for me tonight, neither great nor terrible. I think they are obviously a lock for top 10, but I’ll be interested to see how they do once they are separated. I have a sneaking suspicion that Melissa might actually fare better than Ade. There is still an unfinished quality to his dancing, which was especially apparent in the Waltz, that puts him a notch below my top guy, Brandon, and could really show him up with a less seasoned partner.
Disco (Move On Up) - Kittens, I said to myself that if Ade and Melissa could conquer a Doriana disco, then they would really prove themselves to be a super couple a la Janette and Brandon. Well, mission somewhat accomplished? Clearly, Doriana used up all of her halfway decent stuff (for she has no good stuff) on B&J, because this routine was out and out crap. I mean, they looked like they were doing aerobics there at the beginning, no? Usually Ade is so smooth with the lifts, but here, ugh. I don’t know if it was just the usual Doriana trick overload (recall how Danny struggled with his lifts in his disco with Lauren) because clearly Melissa knows how to hold her own weight and help her partner. But some of those lifts, darlings, it looked like Ade was hauling cement. And Melissa was so stiff. That routine looked like a parody of disco. In trying to not look cheesy, Melissa and Ade came off looking terribly cheesy. In order to do disco well, you must embrace the cheese. Become one with the cheese. They barely let the cheese get to first base. And then, of course, Melissa fell out of that final pose. Too sad. Nigel lied from the jump, as is his custom with couples he likes. They weren’t awful but they were far from good. Mary couldn’t really see because she was so high her eyes were closed into small slits. As for Tasty, well . . .“It’s not just store bought?” What does that even mean? Tasty is such a bad judge. Awful.
Waltz (You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman) – What a shock to see Ron Montez, kiddies. He hasn’t choreo’d since S1 maybe? These two are always pleasant to watch. And Melissa is lovely; her lines are always so impeccable; her position in that overhead lift and the center on that girl! Heavenly. Ade had a nice moment with the triple turn into the battement. But I had to agree with Mary that Ade lacked a little rise and fall and he could’ve been smoother across the floor. And she called Nigel an English Muffin. Ha! Overall, these two were something more dangerous than bad. They were forgettable. I like both of them immensely, so here’s hoping that getting new partners next week will put a little life back in them.
Kayla and Kupono
Now that I’ve accepted that Kupono is no Mark, I can groove on him without all of the expectations that I had been harboring, which is nice because I do greatly enjoy this Hawaii boy, drama over his druggie family aside. Kayla, on the other hand, is losing charm by the buckets. Technically, you can’t touch her. She’s a gorgeous creature out there on that floor. But she’s missing something, a quality that makes her real in the dance. As much as I hate Mia’s crunchy, Earth Mother speak, I’m going to have to go ahead and say that there is something almost inorganic about Kayla's dancing. She’s like paint by numbers. All of the stuff is there, but she’s lacking inspiration, magic, that intangible quality that makes a true artist. She doesn’t sparkle, and it’s a shame because she has talent to burn. She’s already flamed out with Maks, and Kupono, who has that organic quality in spades, couldn’t save her either. I once thought this little one could be a contender, noodles, but now I’ll be shocked if she reaches top 6 even.
Contemporary (Gravity) – Obviously, Nigel and Co. disagree with me about Kayla as they got Mia and she got a dance smack dab in her wheelhouse for the millionth time in a row. Just, wow. They are really trying to prop this couple up. That said, the dance was pretty. So, so pretty. Both of them showed an excellent quality of movement. Just look at those body rolls at the top of the piece. And that throw. . . uh, gorgeous. Those synchronized leaps? The same ones that Asuka and Vitolio tried to pull off but couldn’t? Gorgeous. Kupono was quite good here. I’m a cynical bitch, as we all know, and I did roll my eyes during his confessional, but I must admit that he was connected and present in that dance in a way that was powerful and lovely to see. Kayla, I wanted more from, as we’ve discussed. Unlike Nigel, I don’t think the hair has anything to do with it. She’s just kind of . . . plastic.
Broadway (The Dance at the Gym) – I want to like this Joey girl and at the very least she did give us a break from Faux!Fosse with some faux Jerome Robbins. I just am finding that Broadway isn’t working for me this year. And truth be told, it normally doesn’t work for me on this show. There have been a few exceptions (and those have mostly been group routines) but I’d put this genre barely above hip hop in terms of the success rate on SYTYCD. This routine was fun and as usual with these two, they showed some solid technique. Nice double turns on both of them. Pretty, clean lines. But just as with Randi and Evan last week, they need to give more. More character work, more expression, more everything. They needed to dance bigger. What did we learn last week, kiddies? Broadway dancing is all about over exaggeration and playing to the cheap seats. What Kayla and Kupono did was lovely and way too restrained to work in this type of piece.
Caitlin and Jason
Finally, finally this week Caitlin worked for me in a partner dance. The technique has always been there, no? But in that Foxtrot, she not only got the steps, but she also got the character, owning that gown and that hair and all that elegance and charm and she gave me the charisma and the shiny that I’ve seen in her better B3 solos. At this point, Randi’s my clear bottom girl, but I think I might like to see Caitlin outlast Kayla, and I definitely wouldn’t have said that last week. As for Jason, well, kittens, one can’t have everything, can one? I will say that in their Mandy Moore piece, shirtless Jason did make an impression. I concede. The fool is pretty. But he’s not special. And he’ll go soon, of that I’ve no doubt.
Foxtrot (Minnie the Moocher) – Melanie is back. Yes, yes, yes! I knew to expect great things from these two as soon as I saw her on screen. And I’ll be darned if that routine didn’t have the dash and sizzle that has been missing from some of Tony’s work this season. And an appropriate music choice. Thank you, Ms. LaPatin. These two got off to a good start right out of the gate. They absolutely looked the part. Caitlin has never looked better. And they used the good work of the crack hos in wardrobe (What? That’s right, shout out to the hos. They had a very good night last night. I must give credit where it’s due) to really get into character. They pulled off a lovely lift into a death drop, and while I might have wanted a little more rise and fall in the dance and I found them slow in parts and the last lift was a little bit tentative, overall that routine was so much fun. Throughout, these two were just oozing style, darlings. Tasty continued to be an ass on the panel here, and in other shocking news, the sky continued to be blue.
Lyrical Jazz (Show Me Heaven) – Good Mandy showed up and the crack hos had the bright idea to get this fool shirtless and look what happened! Caitlin’s beautiful lines shown through. Jason, in addition to being a fine hunk of man candy, was exquisite, light where he needed to be and powerful when it counted. And despite Nigel trying to pile on with his day late and a dollar short criticism of this pair’s connection, I felt that was the most chemistry that they have ever had. I expect these two to survive this week – I mean if BFree’s alien nightmare didn’t sink them, then these two really solid pieces won’t do the trick, and I’m anxious to see them break up. I’ve wanted Caitlin away from Jason forever, and now that she’s starting to find her sparkle, I’ll be interested to see if she can keep it going two weeks in a row. And who knows, darling? Jason just might show me something and justify the good things that Shankdaddy has been saying about him all along. Stranger things have happened.
Jeanine and Phillip
I don’t even want to deal with these two. Jeanine is made of win. She turned it out, upside down, and back around again and I’m sorry that it took me so long to figure out that she was totally carrying the Chbeeb on her back throughout the entire early rounds of this competition. She’s the person that I’m most happy about being released from her partnership and I think she’s a total sleeper to go all the way. The Chbeeb is bad at everything but hip hop. It has been ever thus. Let’s just chalk this entire year up to the long dark night of the hip hop soul, shall we kittens? Play a couple of DVRed episodes of ABDC and S1-3 hip hop from SYTYCD and try to pretend like it never happened.
Russian Folk Dance (Some Russian Folk Song) – Let’s all just remember that despite Unca Nigel’s revisionist history, the Joshua/Twitch Russian dance was a steaming pile of crap. As I said in my finale recap last year, they looked like two little kids having a dance battle in their driveway. So why the producers chose to bring this particular style of dance back is a mystery to me. Of course, Jeanine and Phillip looked like little kids. This is not a style that is ever going to work on this show. All the above being true, is it any wonder that the dance was garbage? Chbeeb’s lines were atrocious. He has no core strength to speak of, so every time he squatted down to do those Russian kicks, it looked like he was about to take a dump. And he partnered Jeanine poorly, which she was able to overcome because she is fabulous. I just don’t understand this whole exercise. Why would they put this on the show?
Jive (Stuff Like That There) – I was confused by the machinations of Simon Fuller here. With the Russian thing and then jive, it seemed clear that they were giving this couple the poison cocktail in order to get rid of Philip before top 10. And yet, I can’t imagine they want a touring company with no hip hop specialists, unless they are planning not to do any hip hop routines on tour this year, which could absolutely be a possibility as all of the hip hop this season has both sucked and blown, no? At least they got Tony and Melanie. I had no faith that Philip could do the jive, and I was vindicated in my belief. Jeanine was really good and she pulled focus from the Chbeeb which was a fucking blessing because he was so very, very not good. And . . . he almost fell. While doing the slowest jive I’ve ever seen. With the least amount of actual jive. Jeanine was cute as a button, and it clearly was the best that the Chbeeb has ever done out of his own style. And he was still really bad. It appears, darlings, that he will ride into the top 10 on Jeanine’s back nonetheless. And more’s the pity for his poor partners.
Randi And Evan
These two had an utterly horrible night and it’s a shame that they had their worst week of the entire competition the week before top 10 because I’m afraid that it’s going to cost at least Evan his spot on tour. And Randi could very well fall with him. They pulled styles that don’t suit them at all and in NappyTab, they got choreographers who do no favors for their dancers, having choreographed three great routines on the show (No Air/Bleeding Love/Party People) two of which I can now no longer watch without ruminating on how important it was that those routines were danced by the exact couples who danced them because they could so easily have turned into the typical, overly literal dreck that NappyTab normally cranks out. I’m worried for Evan most of all. Fat face, I could lose, especially as the unitards have made a triumphant comeback.
Hip Hop (Halo) – I’m sorry, noodles. Did NappyTab just say, with straight faces, that Randi is supposed to be portraying an unwed, pregnant hip hopper? And did Nappy just announce proudly that they had choreographed a move for every syllable in the song? Well, fuck. Of course they did. Of course they had. And they chose to have them dance to Halo and they choreographed Evan making a big halo with his arms while Randi stepped through it with attendant pointing to her heart and up to the heavens. Again, I say, fuck. They looked like cheerleaders. I thought maybe they were competing at the UDA Dance Championships at the Milk House at Walt Disney World, Florida. I don’t even know what that was, kittens, other than crap ass choreography. It certainly wasn’t hip hop. That was like anti-hip hop. They were both bad and deserved relevant criticism from the judges. Too bad they didn’t get it. And while I think Evan lacked just about everything in that piece, the de-pimping with him is out of control. His fan base must be enormous. Nigel is afeared!
Samba (Did not Catch the Song) - That samba just made me mad, noodles, because the choreography was on point and I really, really wanted to see two much better ballroom dancers do it, like say Pasha and Anya themselves. I know the judges are trying to pump the girls up, but seriously here neither Randi nor Evan turned it out. Both of them were disappointing, and Randi should’ve been called on it. Instead, Mary put her on the damn train. Perhaps if she were laying tied across the tracks like Nell in those Dudley DoRight cartoons? Eh, by rights, Randi should definitely go home tonight. Evan should outlast the Chbeeb, but I don’t think he will. Without Randi, there’s no girl left short enough for him to partner effectively. I think that’s a premier reason why, at the end of the day, the show is willing to roll the dice with Phillip in the top 10 and on tour, even though Evan is a stronger dancer.
Janette and Brandon
Save the best for last, right? I will admit up front that I did not write down the song for either of the two routines this couple danced because I couldn’t even take my eyes of the screen for a second. I was captivated. My stars and garters, kiddies, these two are head and shoulders above the pack! They have consistently turned it out week after week after week. And while I’ll be sad to see their partnership broken up, I don’t worry for them at all. I called top 4 for these two last week and nothing that they served up on performance show night makes me question that call even a whit.
Tango – I love that they had the guests from the show a few weeks ago, Leonardo and Miriam, come back as choreographers. They set an incredible piece on these kids. It had to be hands down the most technically demanding tango I have ever seen on this show. And with all of that, these two straight up delivered. Janette looked like a total sex bomb. Her legs were like whoa! And some of the moves they did were astounding. How did they learn to do all that in three hours? How did he flip her around between his legs like that? How did they get those ganchos so clean, so tight? When she whipped her legs around in the air in that assisted lift? Where did she learn how to do that? For a minute there, I thought I was watching Forever Tango, kittens. These two are seriously no joke. I was blown away. Blown away. Best tango ever on this show. And then Tasty had to come on and spout some nonsense about squeezing orange juice. Orange Juice? Really? WTF, Tasty? I think he’s had brain damage.
Jazz – As soon as I heard Cat say they got a Wade jazz routine, I knew that they would kill it. And they did. Wade is some kind of crazy genius. And sure, it wasn’t the best, most original piece that he’s ever choreographed for the show (I definitely saw some recycled steps from both Rama Lama and the Angel/Devil dance he set on the Hunchback and Mischa Chan), but it was quirky, slinky fun. That swivel-y walk forward with hips thrust out, kind of Fosse-esque? Genius. Wade said he was going for a cartoon feel and I definitely got a Spy vs. Spy vibe. And of course, Janette and Brandon were practically flawless. They got the character of the dance. They had the technique. They both have star quality. If one of them doesn’t walk away with the title this year, I’ll be surprised.
Bottom Three
Once again this week, I feel that only Janette and Brandon are 100% safe. Randi and Evan will definitely hit B3, and deservedly so. With that Russian mess they served up, Chbeeb and Jeanine are probably the second couple most likely to, but they may get the sympathy vote for the producers foisting such a horrible style on them and their second routine was not awful thanks almost entirely to Jeanine being fierce. I can see an argument for Kayla and Kupono in B3 because their second dance was not very strong and Kayla is just unlikeable. Jason and Caitlin should probably be safe this week, but their routines were not “best of the night" memorable and they are up against a power couple, in Melissa and Ade, who had a decent night. So if I were a betting woman, kittens, I’d lay my money on Randi/Evan, Kayla/Kupono, and Jason/Caitlin, although Chbeeb/Jeanine stand an outside chance of taking the place of one of the last two couples.
Going Home
If the B3 were as it should be, I’d send Chbeeb and Randi packing. As I doubt Chbeeb will hit B3, and even if he does, I doubt the judges will let him go having built up the narrative of “Phillip has his best, most grow-y week outside his specialty ever,” I’m anticipating losing the Liliputians this evening as Randi and Evan exit, stage right.
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