American Idol S8 Semifinals Ep5 And the Shouty Shall Inherit the Earth

I apologize, Group Three. You all brought it more than any other dozen AI-lettes.

Kittens, I was entertained tonight. At least, by our contestants. Judge #4 continued to be a succubus on the show's soul and the judge's banter tonight was even more inane than usual. And the egregious pimping of White Stevie Wonder was . . . well, egregious. But since we have about 117 million hours of AI to get through this week, I need to pace myself on the hating. For tonight, I am content. And I have no idea who'll be getting their silver stools tomorrow, which I love. Let's get rid of the non-factors chop chop and then dig in to a surprisingly long list of contenders.

So Long and Thanks for Playing

Taylor Vaifanua/If I Ain't Got You - The fall of the giantess was heartbreaking, wasn't it kiddies? The song started waaayyy too low for her and it sat uncomfortably on her voice from the jump. She was hitting most of the notes, although there were a couple of places where she went painfully out of tune and really scraped against that lower register. Also, she was dressed like an insane bag lady from the 23rd century. Simon was right, as usual. First, that Judge #4 was talking out of her ass yet again; and second that the performance was serviceable yet forgettable. Sigh. I was rooting for the giantess.

Alex Wagner Trugman/I Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues - He's adorable, y'all, and I actually had kind of high hopes when the song choice was revealed because he had that kind of geek soul thing going on in his first round audition. Oh, I so wanted him to do well, noodles, because as we all know, I heart geeks. And the beginning wasn't horrible, but then . . . the growl. Oh, sweet merciful Simon, the growl came out. And then he got a little bit excited and the whole song got away from him. Ah, well. It could've been fun for a couple three weeks to have this fool hanging around, but let's face it, he was never going to be your American Idol. Paula's already given him the going away/glad you had fun speech.

Side not: The Karababble was out of control, was it not? "Do you." Do you? Immediate fail.

Heartbreakers those two. Truth be told, kittens, I wouldn't mind both of them getting another shot in the wild card round, Taylor being perhaps a little bit more deserving than Alex.

Arianna Afsar/The Winner Takes It All - Even after she sang, I still did not remember her at all from the earlier rounds. She is very cute, but she sounded like fried ass and she's going home now. Did she hold any note longer than a hot second? Was she ever in tune for even a minute of that song? Nope, she got lost in her delusions of Mimi. How bad was it? Even her parents knew she sucked. Did you see their faces? And Paula was so sweet and such a humongous liar. It was bad, y'all.

Nathaniel Marshall/I Would Do Anything for Love - I was tired already before he even sang a note. He and Tati D. and frikkin' Nick/Norman have done all they can for the last several weeks to ruin my enjoyment of my favorite show and I'm just so done with the lot of them. Nate and his booger nose piercing and his teeny, tiny headband and too tight pants and whole "too gay to function" vibe were just really more than I could take. And then he went and sang Meatloaf, noodles. Why? Why? When you are already the world's biggest drama queen, why would you sing that song? This entire song is a joke. Oh, well. He'll be great on the float in next year's Pride Parade. He never had the voice to pull this song off. Say what you will about Meatloaf, but he can blow the doors off. Nate at best has a voice fit for the Spokane Dinner Theater, which only Paula had the gumption to actually say (what?) while the rest of the judges prattled on about how entertained they were. Whatever, he's not an Idol and he'll soon be gone taking Nick/Norman and Tati with him. They can forge their own ridiculously melodramatic group for current and reformed queens.

Side Note: Simon, Randy and Judge #4 making fun of Paula and her "photographic" memory about past audition rounds? Yeah, fuck that noise. That's what you get paid for idiots. You three might want to get on that.

And amazingly, that's really it for the bad performances. Everyone else did enough that a seat on the silver stools of safety would not be completely out of left field (even the ones I didn't care for) putting the group three semifinals miles ahead of groups one and two. Here come the contenders.

Hating Corner: Well Played

I grudgingly give it up to you.

Kristen McNamara/Give Me One Reason to Stay Here - Kittens, she sounded exactly like what she is. No, not a horribly dressed mental patient who had escaped from her sanitarium on the day that her therapy group was poised to put on a production of Alice in Wonderland with her in the lead role. Like a karaoke host. She could easily fool a bar full of half drunk party goers into thinking her voice is awesome. But talking through a Tracy Chapman song is not enough to make it onto the show. She was in tune and she wasn't screaming too much, so there's that. Funnily enough, at the point in the show when she performed, she was the best girl by far. And she was charming and self deprecating both in her interview package and in her post-performance Ryan-terview. That could garner some sympathy votes. Sadly for Kristen, there were better singers and more shameless vote whoring to come, so I doubt she'll make it through. She may've done enough for a wild card, though. We'll see.

Kendall Barbie/This One's for the Girls - I hated her on site. I've hated her every time I've seen her on my screen. This show was no exception. And ain't no way she can sing like Martina McBride. This song ate her lunch. She has absolutely no breath control. Aren't these kids getting vocal coaching at this point? It doesn't show. At. All. The performance was hideous. That said, I guess they have to have a "country" girl and she's really no worse than the Colonel or the Pickle. And I mean, look no farther than He-Man Oilman over Anoop to believe in the power of the redneck block. She's another one I wouldn't be surprised to see sneak into the top 12. For some reason, I don't think the judges will give her a wild card. Well, maybe Judge #4 because she likes her package. We'll see whether were stuck with Colonel 2.0 by Thursday, won't we?

White Stevie Wonder/Mandolin Rain - Sigh. I'm so over him, y'all. Of course, I was never really under him, though, so there you go. But from the jump, this fool had a great song, though I had no doubt he'd not do it justice. And damn if that fool didn't sway and careen and work the stage with his creepy, creepy thousand yard stare all while singing this supremely melodic slice of white boy soul song like a Jesus camp counselor. I was hoping he'd fall off the stage if only to provide a modicum of entertainment value. Listen, this kid's a piano bar singer. I would love to hear him while attending a champagne brunch. And if he weren't blind, Simon would've already unleashed the "cabaret" on him and called him out for being boring. But since he's blind, we must treat him like a cripple. The judges should not be allowed to grade on a curve just because this fool is 'flicted. And despite the Karababble, issues with the vocal DO matter in a singing competition. All the gods! Does she even watch this show? And it doesn't even matter, noodles, because he's so getting on the show. At least my dream of his falling into the swaybot pit lives on. And I get to see more of his fine ass hot brother. Hi, hot brother! Call me!

Nice Surprise

Jun'ot Joyner/Hey There Delilah - As the surprsingly lucid (for her) Ms. Abdul pointed out, here was an instance where repeating a song really paid off. I love how Juno't completely changed up this song. He could put that version out right now and have a hit on "urban" radio. And the vocals were really, really pristine and quite lovely. He brought the funny in the Ryan-terview and in this, the season of the cute baby off, he possesses one of the cutest babies ever!! Sadly, I just don't know if that song and that performance is what will get the tweens speed dialing and bring in a lot of votes. I think if Jun'ot is going to lay claim to the Chikeze Eze Memorial Pumpkin Pimp slot, he's going to have to rely on the judges' whims. At least, they seem to like him.

Side Note: Jun'ot's mother and his wife are creatures. Oh good lord. Where on earth did this extremely beauty challenged family get that marvelous baby from? I hear hell is lovely this time of year. Won't you join me?

Felicia Barton/No One - The great mystery revealed herself to be a solidly good singer and, perhaps more importantly, a saavy competitor. Choosing to sing her youtube sensation song was inspired. Lack of early screen time can be killer, and she must be awared of just how many people have peeped her singing on some Jersey Shore boardwalk. Smart choice. And she started out breaking it the hell on down. Sadly, she fell completely off the note on that first part of the first chorus and she never quite got it back. I thought she was one of the best of the night, but that performances was nowhere near as good as her youtube vid. If it weren't for Lil, I'd say she'd get the girl spot. As it is, I don't think she quite did enough to pull out the upset. Well done, nevertheless, kiddies.

Screamers Anonymous

Amazingly, three of the most inveterate Shouty McShoutersons in the competition today suddenly discovered the virtue of restraint and in doing so pulled out pretty spectacular performances. Whether they can keep it up if they reach the top 12 is debateable, but for now, they were far and away the best of the night.

Von Smith /You're All I Need to Get By - Kittens, you know that all I wanted in the world was for Von to stop shouting at me and let me hear that magnificent instrument he's got. And what does he say in his intro package? That he doesn't want to be known as the kid who can't stop shouting at people. Needless to say, I was enthralled. But could he really learn to turn the volume down and just sing the damn song? Well, darlings, the proof was in the pudding, no? He learned how to stop shouting all the time and turned into someone made of awesome. Oh,my. Words fail to describe how much I enjoyed one Von Smith. He was soulful, tuneful and delightful. I always maintained that this kid could blow, and lo, I have been proven correct. He was a lovely surprise and the first solid performance in the #1 spot of the whole semifinals. If there's justice, Von will be copping a squat on a silver stool tomorrow.

Jorge Nunez/Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me - And Von should be joined on the stools by Loud PR Boy. What? Heaven knows I hated this fool. And Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me is tailor made to go so far over the top that you loop back again to being almost subdued. But wow. Wow! He sounded amazing right out of the box. Y'all, when did the shouty fools learn to stop shouting? Jorge, formerly Loud, now Awesome PR Boy blew me away. That was really beautiful and . . . restrained. My whole world is turned upside down. I liked loud PR boy. And he was so cute during the Ryan-terview as the judges all turned into raving lunatics and racist assholes. Awww. Y'all, they totally turned me around on loud PR boy. I kind of loved him.

Lil Rounds/Be Without You - In the pimp slot. And as usual she didn't even need it. I wish the show would have a little faith in its audience. Just a pinch. So anway, this is a big song. Mary J. is no joke. And Lil put it down. That's it. She put it down. And she looked amazing. That woman has had three children, kittens. She deserves a spot in the top 12 for that alone. Yep, I still love Lil Rounds. Sadly, the backlash will be extreme. I can definitely see her falling to Felicia Barton in a "shocker". Of course, the judges would totally put her through on a wildcard, but the show better watch out or else they'll wind up with another J. Hud or Latoya on their hands.

So that's it, and who moves on is anyone's guess. The first whiff of excitement during the whole semifinals. This is a good sign. Let's see if they can maintain it over the next two days.