American Idol S8 Finals Ep2 You Scream, You Learn

So results show #1 is in the can for Season 8. And what have we all learned, kittens? Let’s review our lessons from last night.

Lesson #1: Kelly Clarkson is more fabulous than you in every way possible.

EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! What was there not to love about the performance of one Miss Kelly Clarkson? She looked amazing – healthy and happy. She sounded like a pop rock goddess. That’s how an Idol does it! And Ryan singing My Life Would Suck Without You? Was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen on my TV. Greatest 5 minutes of Idol ever. And now we’ve been promised returning Idols every week, noodles. J Hud and ‘Tasia. Elliot!! Hell, I’ll even let Fivehead come back if he brings D’archie with him. I’m excited by this turn of events.

Lesson #2: No one is a bigger douchebag than Kanye West.

I hope Kanye knows that he can’t actually sing because now all of America knows it as well. Also, skinny jeans are not made to be sagging. Half his ass was hanging out and he was two seconds away from a very public pantsing. And in general, the fashion world needs to take note that the acid wash jean phenomenon is not cute. It wasn’t cute the first time. Also, no one but Adam Lambert can pull off the fingerless gloves. And, his performance overall was tired. And he sucks. Kisses.

Lesson #3: This show is rigged.

Darlings, do we really have to keep re-learning this lesson every season? What is the big poo poo about the new rule? Everything on this show is manufactured. The Matrix was more real than even one millisecond of this carefully scripted “reality” show. And I’m supposed to lose my mind because Simon Fuller has decided to be a little bit more transparent about the string pulling? I find I am sanguine, kiddies. Look, we all know that this “innovation” is a joke. Anyone worth saving, who the judges would actually deign to save, makes it to the Top 4 anyway. Do I think the judges would’ve saved Tamyra and Chris? Sure, but even if they jumped in their way back machine with this new found power and Judge #4 in tow, they couldn’t have because those two both made Top 4 and this power conveniently ends at Top 5. And ain’t no way in hell that the judges would’ve saved J Hud or Michael Johns even if they’d had the power back then. Simon loathed J Hud and the show is only on her jock know because she’s a Grammy and Oscar award winner. And Michael was way too uneven for it to even matter. He was not ever going to win AI or even make the Top 5, so whatever. I mean, if you really want to know how rigged this show is, just watch the scenes of the kids exploring their new Contestants’ (formerly Judges’) mansion and try to imagine a situation where a black woman would risk her perm by going into a steam room? Yeah, total fiction.

Lesson #4: Ford Pimpmercials kick the group sing’s donkey.

Where to begin with this week’s group sing, which had to be one of the worst of all time? Should we start with the clothes, kittens? Anoop rocking a windbreaker? Megan in a purple Homecoming dress over black skinny jeans and a necklace made from Flintstone style dinosaur eggs? Y’all, that was probably from her own closet. Maybe we can talk about the singing? Well, they all sounded like shit. That was quick. Should I go for the dancing? Danny Gokey’s pelvic thrusts have scarred me for life. And half of them couldn’t even be assed to learn the routine. Yeah, that’s you, Sarver. Really? This is all you have to do all day long for the next five million weeks. You may not be Baryshnikov, but make an effort to learn the damn routine. And not even a pointy pose? Without our rituals, society falls apart at the seams.

Contrast that with the thing of beauty that was the pimpmercial. Freaky beautiful, big headed kids on the sides of buildings in downtown LA. Adam Lambert’s scary sexy face on the hood of a Ford vehicle as he gets to sink his teeth into a little Freddy Mercury. Anoop being the hottest South Asian geek boy ever all over my TV screen. The only thing missing was White Stevie Wonder behind the wheel, but there’s always next week. The pimpmercial rocks my world.

Lesson #5: This year’s “innovations” are garbage.

So the show gives the judges the power to pardon a contestant one time only over the course of the season, but then the kids have to sing for their lives before they find out whether or not they got the pardon. As if that performance is going to make up the judges minds one way or the other. We’ve already established that Paula has the attention span of a fruit fly and is coked out of her mind three quarters of the time. There’s no way she could form enough coherent thoughts to make a unanimous decision on whether or not to save one of these kids on live, national TV. Obviously, this power is for the set few Chosen Ones in case they get into any trouble early in the competition. And in setting up this totally false construct, they’ve ruined the sing out, which was awesome in the past because the kids could just let go and have fun with their last performance on the show. Now they’re all tense and crazy and for no good reason because the sing out will never change anyone’s mind, but they don’t know that and so they put a million times more pressure on their sing out than they did on their performance on show night and wind up spitting out crap like Jasmine practically weeping her way through a horribly out of tune I’ll Be There or Jorge’s entire face exploding during Never Can Say Goodbye. Well done, Cecile Frout-Coutaz. Why don’t we just put you in charge of the Treasury Department and have done with our economic implosion?

Lesson #6: Boricuas got nothing on Pinoy Power

Ramiele Malubay and her high waisted pants hung around forever on Idol last season. Jasmine Trias from Hawai’i made Top 3. I was severely underwhelmed by the voting prowess of my Island dwelling brothers and sisters. Come on, Puertoriqueños. You couldn’t even keep Jorge around through Week Two? ¿Qué pasó, Latinos? I’m not sad to see the back of him, but I had Loud PR Boy good for at least another couple of rounds.

Lesson #7: The show doesn’t care about building suspense anymore.

Megan vs. Jasmine? Jorge vs. Lil Rounds and then Anoop? It’s like they are not even trying anymore, kiddies. If you don’t care, AI, then why should we care? Think on it.

Lesson #8: This season’s loser song is proof that sometimes god hates me.

Noodles, I like Carrie Underwood. She’s not my favorite AI winner, but I enjoy her from time to time. Further, I think she can really sing. With that voice, there are many, many things she can do. Cover the Cruë is not one of them. Home Sweet Home? Home Sweet Home as sung by Carrie Underwood? Really? Is Vince Neil just making that much bank on VH1 Celebreality that he doesn't need AI's filthy lucre? Darlings, this is the worst loser song ever. And here I thought nothing could be worse than Ruben doing a watered down Kenny Loggins on Celebrate Me Home. I don’t know if I can take that all season long.

So what do we have on tap next, kittens? Grand Ole Opry Week. Who wants to bet that Megan yodels? This has high train wreck potential, even higher than MJ Week. I’m licking my lips already.