American Idol S8 Finals Ep3 What Ain't to Be Just Might Happen

Paula is the only judge on Idol that has even a lick of sense this season. The apocalypse is upon us.

That’s my main conclusion from last night’s Grand Ole Opry themed show. Well, that and the bitter, bitter knowledge that we missed out on having Randy Travis as the guest judge last night thanks to the useless waste of cells that is Judge #4. Can you imagine his reaction to Adam’s Ring of Fire with the sex faces and the inappropriate touching and the too tight pants, gold lame jacket, Bea Arthur haircut and more make up than Paula? Kittens, the mind reels! But no, we were deprived of the fabulousness that was the Adam ‘n Randy Sexually Ambiguous Hour because we needed more Karababble in our lives. Phooey.

Overall, I think this might have been Idol’s best country night ever, with some surprising candidates for the number one spot. I will go from first to worst, although my worst this week, as every week, is frikkin’ Tattoo Sleeve and White Stevie Wonder. Just plug that in until they go home.

Let’s get some Opry spirit in here. Porter Wagoner, take it away.

When You’re Hot, You’re Hot

Anoop Desai/You Were Always on my Mind – Noodles, first can we acknowledge the overwhelming hotness and swagger of this geek chic kid? My word. I know I give the wardrobe crack hos a hard time, but I must admit that they did right by Anouk (Anoop) last night. The new cut is working. The eyebrows have been tastefully plucked. And they got him out of the Member’s Only jacket. Well played, wardrobe, hair and make up. Well played. But beyond just the general hotness, the song was hot. He can blow. He has an amazing tone to his voice and he hit every note. Like butter, kittens. The song was sexy as all hell. And the confidence? What? He has endless amounts of swagger and I love it! He was by far the best of the night.

Kris Allen/To Make You Feel My Love – Much like our intrepid trio of judges, I feel like I’ve really been sleeping on this kid. He’s getting better and better. And last night he killed that Garth Brooks song. He sounded phenomenally good. I honestly did not know that he had it quite like that. He’s still a little bit spastic without the guitar, but as Simon said, this was the first time I’ve ever seen this guy as a real contender. Even that last falsetto note was pitch perfect. Nicely done. And can I just note that I actually think Judge #4 and her Karababble are making Randy stupider than he’s ever been. Tender Moments from My Dawg Chris? Is that the latest hood rat classic black romance novel that girl next to you on the subway is rocking? We just don’t even need to bother to pay attention to them anymore, do we noodles? Paula continued to rock here, though. Pleasantly surprised indeed.

Allison Iraheta/Blame It on Your Heart – This young one really has a knack for picking the perfect songs for herself. She has a great sense of who she is and who she wants to be as an artist. That said, I agreed with Paula again that she will need to do a softer song, a ballad, sometime soon to show that she can do something other than agro-rocker chick. Anyway, she owned the stage last night and got Paula up and drunk chair dancing. She’s such a confident performer. La Curacao must be one hell of a training ground. I guess if you can hold the attention of big box shoppers at a blue light special sale, you can tame the Kodak. Simon was a pissy bitch here, as he was pretty much all night long. And he must’ve had a break up with Ryan and gone back to boning Paula because the two of them were way too much. Get a room, please. Back to Allison. She rocked. But darlings, I fret. Do you do so as well? She performed really early in the evening and I don’t think she’s built up the fan base of some of the others. And she’s so good, I’m afraid people might be taking her for granted. I would hate to see her victim of the early “surprise” boot. Kittens, it would be criminal for her to not even make the tour.

Adam Lambert/Ring of Fire – Controversy schmontroversy. As the great Maureen sang in Rent, “This diva needs her stage. Baby let’s have fun.” I loved every creepy, sexed up, freak out, sitar and drug laced moment of that performance. He took it so far over the top that he looped back around again to get under. Was it indulgent? Of course it was, but nothing would’ve worked if he’d tried to sing a country song straight. What he did was beyond performance. It was art. And it was magnificent. Haters be warned, because the Cashmere Led Zepplin is the best thing on this show right about now. (God, I love Paula!)

I Haven’t Learned A Thing

Michael Sarver/Ain’t Goin Down ‘til the Sun Comes Up – Kittens, you know how I feel about doing songs done to death by previous Idol contestants, no? And this song was laid in its grave on this show by Latoya London. Totally spunky and unexpectedly fabulous. So the He-Man Oilman had little hope of coming out on top when he chose to tackle this country classic. And then, he did really nothing special with it. I mean it was in tune more or less. I suppose. And he ran around (well, OK, he walked around) the stage making crazy faces at the audience and squatting next to the harmonica player, but to what effect? None that I could tell, kiddies. He’s boring and I was bored. I still think he’s the cutest darn thing ever, but he is so far out of his depth in this competition. And side note to Randy Travis and Judge #4, it’s not some miracle akin to Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead that this fool was able to learn this song. Yes, there are a lot of words and they come fast and furious, but this is literally all that he is doing all day long. Not working 40 hours a week on the oil rig and then dragging himself home at night to learn songs by candlelight in his ramshackle kitchen. Nope. Just living it up in the contestants’ mansion, eating and drinking on Idol’s dime and learning songs. He doesn’t get a cookie for that.

Lil Rounds/Independence Day – Big sigh, kittens. Why do people continue to underestimate Martina McBride? She has one of the biggest voices in the universe. And Lil does not. She has a great voice, no doubt, but not the kind of voice built for this song. Let’s just acknowledge that Simon and the thing with the name was a total dick move on his part. But the man had a point. There are a million great country songs that lend themselves to being done well by R&B artists. Hell, I think All-4-One built a whole career out of it. But Independence Day is not one of those songs. She was pitchy in spots and her voice doesn’t have the power to carry off the bombast of the chorus. I was not feeling this performance at all. She really needs to start picking songs that better showcase her, because I think this girl has real talent, but she’s flirting dangerously close to pulling a Mandisa and getting sent home 8th or 9th rather than somewhere in the Top 5 as she should be. Love the new hair, though. Love it.

Alexis Grace/Jolene – She didn’t smile through the whole song which automatically made it a better version than Brooke White’s from last season. However, it was a solid but unspectacular performance. Clearly middle of the pack. The word workmanlike comes to mind. And the judges were at their most predictable here. Of course, Paula doesn’t care about pitch problems. I think she invented pitch problems. And y’all, I think Judge #4 might have been a pimp in a former life because her obsession with turning Alexis out is getting uncomfortable to watch. The minute that she shows up not half naked and writhing around on the stage, the Karababble about being drrrty comes out. So much hate. Noodles, do you remember the scene in Showgirls where that one dancer throws pearls and rhinestones from her costume onto the stage so that her rival’s partner will trip and fall dropping her from a lift and incapacitating her so that the evil saboteur can take over her part? I think Paula’s skin may be bedazzled, she wears so much glitter and paste. She could totally sabotage Judge #4’s walk down the stairs to the judge table. Someone get her a fake pearl, stat! See how boring Alexis’ performance was? I’ve barely mentioned her in her own recap. Sad.

Better Move It on Home

White Stevie Wonder/Wild Angels – America, I am begging you. Stop coddling this fool. He can’t sing. And despite the judges’ pleas that he deliver it, he doesn’t have “it” to deliver. His thin, reedy little instrument is the vocal equivalent of novacaine. And Randy Travis was so sweetly befuddled, searching for a way to break it to this dude that he really doesn’t sing all that well. It’s painful now. He seems like a sweet man, and the hair people did make an effort to tame the white man’s fro. But do you really want this fool coming soon to a city near you? Think about it, America. Think long and hard.

Megan Corkery/Walkin’ After Midnight – So out of all the great Patsy Cline classics, she chooses another non-song song. Y’all, just cut and paste from the last time I talked about this fool. She was under the pitch the entire time. Again. Flat, flat, flat. Again. She missed every single note after the key change. Every. Single. Note. She kept doing that weird hitch-in-the voice delivery on the last word of every verse. Sick or healthy, bitch can’t sing. Ugh. Go home, Tattoo Sleeve.

Matt Giraud/So Small – And just like that, I’m off the Matt G. train. Kittens, the goat voice was back in full effect. And the cheese eating, smarmy personality. The smug grin and faux, “Aw, shucks. Who? Little old me?” As a singer, this dude is a decent pianist. It was so bad that Judge #4 actually ran out of shit to say. Just came to a full stop. What about this screamed out pimp slot, huh show? What a waste. Ju’not Joyner, you are missed.

Danny Gokey/Jesus Take the Wheel – Bitch song, meet Danny Gokey. Danny, meet bitch song. I suspect that you are already intimately acquainted. Y’all, the cheesiness finally broke me. He sounded amazing. But then again, he always does. He has a true gift. But the cynicism wrapped in sincerity of choosing this song after you’ve spent months spewing garbage about your dead wife and your church group it’s just . . . it’s grotesque is what it is. So the Gokey hate has finally won. I am well and truly over his beautiful voice. And does he have his own personal Lenscrafters? What the fuck is up with the glasses for every occasion. The bullshit myth making being built up around this dude is so heinous that it’s overtaking the fact that he can actually flat out sing. And that’s a shame. I am tired of him now, though. He’s dismissed.

Kittens, why are there still so many of them? They’re like Tribbles. We’re about to get our touring company. Hopefully one of the costumes for the performances will be a replica of Paula’s floral palazzo pants jumpsuit. For both the men and the women. And then the tour bus can run over Judge #4 and drive Randy over to his actual good show, ABDC, and leave him there.

I hope Simon and Ryan make up by tonight because something was seriously up his butt and I don’t want no distractions when Randy Travis and Carrie Underwood take to the stage.

Who’s going home? Hell if I know. I’d be happy with any of the bottom four taking their leave of us, but my gut says it’s probably He-Man Oilman, or even Allison in a shocker. See you on the flip side, kiddies.