American Idol S8 Semifinals Ep8 Ineluctability

Darlings, did we need to waste an hour of our night on AI when we could’ve been laying in provisions in anticipation of the best ABDC finale ever? I think not. The judges could’ve told us this Wildcard 4 at the end of Wednesday’s show. Or are we really supposed to believe that Paula could be distracted from contemplating which of the leopard print spots on her shirt was the prettiest long enough to critique, analyze and choose the top 4 from last night during the infinitesimally short commercial break? Silly Idol, tricks are for kids – and also for Ricky Braddy if his tight pants are to be believed. We had two good performances and one solid one, and of those three only one person made it through. But that one person was the right person, so I suppose that’s “Hurrah!” Let’s deal with the dregs of our semifinal rounds and then get excited for the return of one Miss Kelly Clarkson.

Hearting

Anouk (Anoop) Desai/My Prerogative – Now and forever. I heart Anoop. Did I want him to do this song again? Not really. Was it a huge improvement over the bitch song? Kittens, it is to laugh. He turned it out the first time, and he turned it even further out last night. For real, for real? This kid can sing. And he’s super entertaining. And he has swagger, what? 100% pure love. Which should totally be his next song choice. My little Anouk did not disappoint.

Jesse Langseth/Tell Me Something Good – This one was not as good as Bette Davis Eyes. The low notes in the song were a little bit too low for her voice, and in reaching for them, she managed to somehow fall under the pitch. But mad props to her for the song choice. It was a perfect fit for her voice and her whole vibe. And like Anoop, this little white girl has swagger. Confidence galore. If there were any justice, she’d be in the Top 13 over either Megan or Jasmine. But asking for fairness on this show is like asking for a blizzard in hell. At least she got to sing one more time on TV. Hope she enjoyed it.

Von Smith/Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word – I still love Von, but this was perhaps the worst song he could’ve chosen out of all of the songs in the universe. This song manages to be karaoke, cabaret and over the top theatrical all at the same time. And his performance managed to be sleepy and shouty all at the same time. He never once showed that he had the ability to give a performance that would make people pick up the phone and vote for him. And that’s why he’s going home. I still love this Shouty McShouterson, though.

And here’s where we must give a shout out to last night’s best judge . . . Ms. Paula Abdul. Y’all, I don’t know whether her survival instinct has kicked into high gear with the addition of Judge #4 or whether her handlers are just doing a better job of regulating her meds, but Paula has been a perfect blend of the insanely crazy and the voice of reason. She is ruling the judges’ panel this season. And I for one am loving it.

Ricky Braddy/Superstition – So most of the kids picked horrible songs last night, kiddies. And Paula’s broke face honeydip was no exception. Lucky for him, he has the chops to pull it off and vocally he sounded just as good as he always has since the judges let him out of the zero airtime closet. But noodles, let’s be frank. The skinny jeans were an issue, no? I know more about Ricky Braddy’s money maker than I ever wanted to know. He looked ridiculous. Only Adam Lambert can pull off pants that tight, and that’s only because he’s a walking ball of sex and candy. That look ensured that he was toast before he opened his mouth. Not even Paula’s chair dancing could save him.

Hating

Matt Giraud/Who’s Loving You – So last night he decided to look the part of the massive tool that he is. Kittens, I can’t even deal with him at all. The stupid little hat. The fuckin’ Michael Johns-ian scarves (plural!!!!). The ratty, stubbly mess that is his wannabe Justin goatee. He offends me on sooo many levels. That was his best performance ever and it was still overstuffed with vibrato and runs and smug attitude and blaccent and was cheesy as fuck. Judge #4 looooves him and Karababbled all over him, which is the best indication I know of that he is a massive poser. And this song was “in his bones” but last time we saw him Coldplay represented “who he wanted to be” as an artist? Tool and a douchebag. He cannot go home soon enough.

Megan Corkery/Black Horse and Cherry Tree – Tattoo Sleeve managed to find yet another song that doesn’t require any actual singing and sing it poorly to the point where the song almost defied recognition whilst twisting around doing her two year old potty dance. Y’all, do you think the judges are aware of how very much this girl can’t sing? Like, at all? Those “mes” in “You’re not the one for me” were just painful. Crimes against nature, kittens. Unspeakably bad. And Paula hated her. So delicious. But Randy and Judge #4 are all about the package artist this season and Simon wants to do her, so she got through. GIGO, Idol. That’s all I have to say. GIGO.

Jasmine Murray/Reflection – Jasmine will be getting the Chikeze Eze Memorial Pumpkin Pimp slot for those of you playing along at home. The show needed another person of color and she fits the bill, so sorry, Jesse. Thank you for playing. Because she surely didn’t get in on the strength of her rendition of perhaps the worst X-tina hit to come down the pipeline. As the judges all acknowledged, she doesn’t have the voice for this song. She strained and stretched and it was still way, way too big for her. It wasn’t a risk or a brave performance; it was bad. But she’s still cuter than a million Anne Geddes babies and she looks kinda like Gabrielle Union, so welcome to the Top 13, right?

Tatiana del Toro/Saving All My Love for You – This is the last time I will ever have to think aboutthis train wreck of a girl. There is a god and he/she/it is good. Tati D. sucks at life.

So, Matt G., Megan and Jasmine (the lucky losers) get in under the wire and Anoop takes his rightful place among the Top 13. Ready, steady, go, darlings. Next week promises Miss Kelly Clarkson and she’s apparently bringing along someone who can teach these kids a thing or two about being a complete tool. Oh hello, Kanye! Should be good times.