Sometimes this show decides to remind me just why I love it so much. And for that I am very grateful. I have to begin with the end in mind, kittens, because last night AI made a blind man dance . . . with his cane . . . for my amusement. And suddenly, all was right with the world. Noodles, that three second clip almost totally redeemed White Stevie Wonder in my eyes, and I know that will go away as soon as he starts singing because he can’t, but god would I pay folding money to see that kid in a Ford Focus pimpmercial. And it could be him and Adam and Danny and Danny could be wearing a pin with his dead wife’s face on it sticking his head out the back window and singing I Believe in a Thing Called Love like it’s some kind of inspirational hymn while Adam was driving and head banging to The Darkness and making creepy sex faces at White Stevie Wonder who’s sitting in the front side passenger seat totally oblivious to the chaos going on around him and then they pass Allison and Michael Sarver and the world’s cutest baby waiting at the bus stop and Gokey asks White Stevie something stupid like “Isn’t that He-Man Oilman and Manic Panic over there?” and White Stevie just smiles and nods ‘cause what does he know and then Adam pulls over and jumps out grabbing his crotch all suggestively and shoves the chola and the oilman into the back seat and as they all drive off, Manic Panic pops out of the moon roof and screams, “I’m so freakin’ happy right now.”
Whoo. OK, I’m back, y’all. See how little it takes for this show to make me so very, very happy?
And I know it wasn’t all gravy last night. Can we deal with the group sing? Not even the pointy pose could’ve saved it. First of all, Ne-yo? Yeah, no. This was always going to end bloody. I appreciate that the show is trying to be more current with the group sings this season, but please can they at least try to consider whether or not the song would actually sound good as sung by a choir? The girls were a’ight. The boys sounded like ass. And the cognitive dissonance of Serial Killer dressed for a quick trip to Walmart stomping ineptly next to Hair Monster in a white t-shirt embossed with a skinny tie for pity’s sake along with Adam doing the creepy sex thing all over the stage and hitting on Matt G. and Nick/Norman indiscriminately while Kris unleashed his dorky white man dance on Jesse’s posterior and Jeanine stomped around in suspendered hot pants, Frye boots and a plaid lumberjack shirt that was clearly from the children’s section and had been spray painted onto her caused my entire mind to be blown to the extent that I completely missed the recap of the previous night which was probably all to the good.
And yes, today’s post may just be a series of oddly strung together run on sentences. That’s how bizarre last night’s show was. I simultaneously loved and hated it. I mean, I had to listen to Judge #4 prattle and whine and Karababble, but at the same time I got to witness the holy trinity unite in almost unrelenting contempt for Kara Diodoyouseehowmuchweallhateyou which was deliciously yummy. I really think Simon moved so that he and Paula could plot her eventual demise. I had to hear goat voiced loser, Matt G., complain about how he hadn’t had his chance yet while at the same time seeing him eat the bitter ashes of his ambitions as he watched Adam be awesome and the most overtly sexual creature to ever don too tight pants on a family show and the schadenfreude was scrumptious like Baskin Robbins peanut butter and chocolate ice cream. I had to hear Kris do unspeakable things to Man in the Mirror and be somehow even worse than the first time when he was already abysmal but then I got Brooke White being tremendous and awesome and glowingly beautiful and doing that Carly Simon thing to death. No wonder I’m so discombobulated.
Could I have done without the yards and yards of filler? Of course, noodles. We didn’t need to see the Wonderful World clip package yet again. The season started like a minute ago and I don’t have short term memory loss. But overall, thoroughly pleased both with who got through (although I’d have taken Jesse over Kris) and with who didn’t (Bye bye Goat Boy and Tattoo Sleeve – although bet that at least one of these two will be back for the wild card round).
And I’m quite looking forward to Group three. For the ladies we’re going to get awesome Lil Rounds, who, with any luck, has remembered that she’s an actual great singer and doesn’t need to scream at us. Taylor Vaifanua is going to be giant and gorgeous and hopefully continue the Some Kind of Wonderful streak of magic and rainbows. I don’t know Felicia Barton at all but she saved us from Joanna Pacitti and for that I already love her a little. And yes, I have watched her spectacular youtube clip, so I have faith that she can bring it. For the fellas, Jun’ot Joyner is going to try to break the color line in the S8 men’s pool and will most likely not be dressed in a pumpkin pimp suit. Alex Wagner Trugman almost killed me with the cuteness of his geek dancing and beyond just being overall marvelous, kid can blow as I recall. Somebody’s got to take the geek spot. May as well be him. And Vonn Smith will be back to scream at us some more, which will either be terrific or tragic but will definitely not be boring. So there’s lots to love. And equal amounts to hate. And y’all know I live to hate. Loud PR boy, too gay to function Nathaniel and White Stevie Wonder will give me occasion. And I don’t even know Arianna Asfar, barely remember Kendall Barbie, and Kristin, well, that’s just hate waiting to happen.
And all this without even taking into account what the judges will spring upon us for the wildcard show. Four hours until the real fun begins.
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