American Idol S8 Finals Ep4 Say My Name

Right around the time that the Dawg was forgetting what’s her face’s name on live national television, I decided that there really is no value to fully three quarters of the judges panel this season. And that’s sad, kittens. Yes, I will have forgotten Alexis Grace’s name by this time next week, but I’m not being paid ridiculous sums of money to pretend like I care what happens to these kids. Between Simon turning Lil Rounds into the youngest member of the newly reformed Fat Boys, Randy’s general uselessness now with extra added stupid and Judge #4’s mere existence on this planet, it’s like the panel was specifically put together by Satan to cause me endless pain and misery. Oh, the humanity!

Noodles, the judges worked my nerves last night so badly that I barely had time to be outraged by the highly questionable fashion choices foisted upon us by the crack whores and angry trannys in wardrobe. Forget the fashion side note, darlings, we need a fashion paragraph for this shit. Randy Jackson in a Michael Johns-ian scarf. No. Was that black chicken wire on Paula’s shoulders? Umm, no. Why do they continue to dress Lil like an extra from Madea Goes to Jail? Hell to the no. Did they really think it was OK to put Scott in that shirt just because he’s blind? Well, that was a little awesome, but no. I don’t even know where to begin with Alexis dressed as the town slut from Little House on the Prairie. Though I blame that on Judge #4. But the absolute nadir had to be Carrie Underwood and whatever that was nesting on her head. Y'all, we already know that since the great post AI weight loss, Carrie’s had an unfortunate bobble head issue. To top that off with a great glob of blonde bouffant and a handful of flowers the trannys bought at Michael’s about 15 minutes before the show started is the complete opposite of right. Thank the gods we had Ryan in a beautifully tailored suit to provide a moment’s relief. Honestly, if it’s going to be this bad, just let the kids keep picking out their own clothes at Target. They could hardly do worse.

There was really no highlight last night, was there? I mean you had Gokey being a smug ass all over the stage. Lil having no idea how close she is to going home next week unless she absolutely blows it out on the theme tailor made for her. He-Man Oilman catching the Danny/Matt G. smarmy asshole disease and pimping out his daughter’s secret pain in exchange for another week on this crappy show. Scott and Megan’s pity party. Adam and Anoop being two sides of the sexy coin and killing me with the pretty. Kris making me like him more and more every time I see him. And Manic Panic and Alexis being the only two people in the studio who didn’t know that they were the bottom two this week. They both broke AI cardinal rule #1: You can be good, you can be bad, but you can’t be boring.

As for the lowlight, the sing for your life is turning out to be the turd-y cherry on the shit-tastic sundae that is this season’s “innovations”, kiddies. Who thought it was a good idea to take devastated famewhores already riddled with more emotions than they’ve ever felt in their entire life and barely coherent and then dangle the possibility of keeping their feeble dreams alive for another week (something which we know is never going to happen) and then make them prostrate themselves on the altar of the judges’ whims, provided they can even keep their attention throughout the entire performance, RANDY? All to be unceremoniously dumped after being forced to give the worst performance of all time. I mean, great googly moogly, that might have been the worst sing out in Idol history. And really, how could it not be? Poor Alexis. Robbed of every shred of dignity as Judge #4 got her last fuck in on the way out the door. Pimps up, 'hos down.

So there’s your Idols Live Tour, noodles. I hope you like two hours of watching White Stevie Wonder not move. If the group sing was any indication, that's what you'll be getting.

Side Note: What is with the lip synching this year? It’s madness. How can they sound so awful when it’s all on tape?

Motown week is up next and Lil had better bring it if she wants to survive. Y’all, this show is going to wind up whiter than CPAC before all’s said and done.