SYTYCD S6 Finals Ep13 The Right Thing for the Wrong Reasons

It would seem that America still has the ability to surprise. Who knew, noodles? Of all the results that could have come out of this particular Top 8, I suppose I got the one that I wanted. But why does it feel so empty? Legacy broke my heart leaving, but I knew that would happen. The biggest shocker of the night was Mollee, the Tween Terror, pulling a few tears out of me and touching my blackened, shriveled heart with her utter devastation upon being tossed from the competition. And wasn’t she a brave little toaster, darlings? Sucking back those tears for all she was worth while her whole face and body were the perfect illustration of shattered. Look it up in the dictionary. You’ll find her picture staring dolefully back at you. It’s a hollow victory I share with you this morning, kittens. The taste of my foes' flesh is like ashes in my mouth. (Whoops, did I just go way overboard? I blame watching The Lord of the Rings cycle on TNT over the weekend. I’ll just repeat “I am not an orc. I am not an orc. I am not an orc” until I feel human again. There. All better now)

There’s not a lot to say about last night’s show. Shankdaddy is turning ever more horrible the longer he stays on the permanent judges’ panel. Please for the love of all that’s holy, let him get a movie to direct sometime soon so that he can be unavoidably out of pocket for the permanent gig next summer. If we must have a three judge panel, let Ms. Debbie Allen do it. Her voice (and weave) has been sorely missed this season. Cat let us know that auditions for S7 are picking right up again. No rest for the wicked and all that and family, I’m happy that the SYTYCD production team has a strong Puritan work ethic, but take a break already. For real. The seams are showing, show.

Kittens, you know I don’t recap musical performances on this show. I refuse. That’s what I always say. But the Honey Dip was there. Oooh, y’all, he’s still so, so pretty. Hotter than the sun is our Mr. Kris Allen. And see, this is not about the performance at all. The less said about that the better. Poor Honey Dip. I see now why he’s only sold about three copies of his debut album. But he’s still beautiful, though. He’ll always have his looks to fall back on. The other performance, if one can call it that, was just so bizarre. I can’t call it, kiddies. I’ma have to let the good writers from Glee handle it. As the lovely 5th runner up Miss Ohio 2002 said, ''They weren't singing, they were, like, honking, and everyone was crying, and I was like, 'Get off the stage, you're terrible. And you're making me super uncomfortable.''' Yes, well said 5th runner up who will always be Sarah Newlin to me and I miss you, True Blood, more than you know, and if you were going to have someone from Bon Temps on your show, why wouldn’t you pick Jason who is sex on a stick, but maybe that’s not so good because he is contractually obligated to be naked at least once an episode and Glee is not that kind of show, well it is, but Fox is not HBO, so I guess Sarah Newlin is the next best thing and do you see how that Japanese pop girl group has broken my brain, why, Simon Fuller, why?

What else? Sonya’s piece was not all that special. Russell was ruling that center as usual. Jakob was fabulous some more. Ryan continued to surpass my expectations of what a ballroom boy can bring in contemporary and Legacy more than held his own and now I’m getting sad all over again because Mollee turned it out with Kathryn and Ellenore and that threesome could’ve brought some great dancing to the finale next week and FP, for all her growth, I do not believe can serve it up quite like those ladies did and dammit, what have you done, America? Then the bottom four, which included Ellenore and WTF on that as well, did their solos and with the exception of Ryan (who is doing the best that he can, poor baby) and Mollee (who we would soon see was on the verge of an epic meltdown), all of the solos were miles better than what was presented on performance night. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say that had Legacy done that LXD style solo last night, he might’ve leapfrogged Ryan’s Sympathy Express and kept himself in the competition. And then we were eliminating fools. So thanks to the show’s bullshit injury rules, the Tween Terror is out, which I would’ve been more than happy with last week but this week is causing me to have a minor hissy fit. Legacy is also going home and even though I wanted it last night before the show, it still destroyed me when it happened. No more shirtless Legacy. Let’s have a moment of silence, kittens.

So here’s your final 6. The order reflects how I think the whole thing will shake out. Though this season’s been so topsy turvy, who knows:

Russell – I believe this pretty fool can take it all. He’s extravagantly talented, likeable, magnetic, and charismatic. And gorgeous. Gorgeous always helps. Unca Nigel would not be happy with this win. Russell is supposed to be the feel good growth story, not the winner, but he has enough juice to crash the party.

Ashleigh – Darlings, I confess. I’ve been sleeping on the Fug Princess this whole time. I don’t understand it, but I do think FP will outlast her hubby, Ellenore and at least one of the remaining three dancers. All of whom are far superior to FP. It’s a head scratcher, but there you go.

Jakob – Once again, I think the most talented dancer will not win this show. Maybe next year with Billy Bell?

Kathryn – She’s been building momentum, but I still think she’s not got the Jeanine factor. She might leapfrog FP, but I’ll be shocked if she gets past either of the two solid boy candidates.

Ellenore – Should be much, much higher than this but won’t be because America is apparently blind and crazy. Bitches.

Ryan – On the real, he made it in on the pity vote which will not carry him very far in the finale, I don’t think. Still one of the best partners that the show has ever had. And fine. He’d better be shirtless at several points during next week’s show, is what I’m saying.

Finale? Yes, please, darlings. And then we rest a few weeks and get ready for all the horrible, horrible things they’ve done to Idol in the span of a few short months. I need a drink and it hasn’t even begun yet.