Oh, Cat Deeley. I love you something fierce, but let’s chat, you and I. A bustier is not the same thing as a shirt, OK? And underwear is not acceptable outside clothing. As soon as I saw you dressed like a slutty mental patient with your crazy, red smeared lips, I knew we were in for a less than stellar show. Have you gone back to the crack hos and trannys in wardrobe and hair and make up? I thought you’d made a clean break from them. I have to believe that you did not have that outfit in your own personal closet. I have to believe that you wouldn’t willingly smear fire engine red lipstick all over your mouth in such a way that you look like you applied it using the patented Molly-Ringwald-in-The-Breakfast-Club-Stick-Lipstick-Between-Your-Boobs-and-Have-At-It method. Oh, Cat. And we haven’t even touched on the hair. It is too much. Look away, noodles. Look away.
The show had one spot of brilliance last night, kittens. The League of Extraordinary Dancers blew my whole entire mind. They even made me kind of, sort of, maybe if I squint enjoy that tired Coldplay song, Yellow. I confess, I do not get the whole Coldplay thing. The Scientist. And maybe Clocks. Anything else is like washback left in the bottom of U2’s Slurpee cup, no? But the combo of Vitamin String Quartet’s quasi-classical rendition of the moppiest song in mope-onia plus the sick moves that LXD were laying down was just this side of paradise in a so wrong it’s right kind of way. That synchronized flip sequence has been burned into my retinas. And noodles, I don’t care if Legacy danced with this group before. He didn’t dance with them last night and no one uttered a peep about it and if you don’t like patronage, then you don’t like Hollywood or anything related to the entertainment industry and you should probably stop watching this and every other TV show immediately. And stop going to the movies. And listening to music. And reading books. Because the business is hella shady and based on knowing someone who knows someone who knows someone. Forget Lana Turner at the counter of your corner five and dime, kiddies. Connections are a girl’s best friend. All of that to say that LXD were on point and I would like to see them again on a screen near me very, very soon.
And then the badness happened. All over my TV screen. Over and over again. Where to begin? Where to begin?
Notice how I skipped over the opening number, darlings? Yeah, there was an opening number. It was a piece of trash. The crack whores in wardrobe and the trannys in hair and make up fell into a vat of Mad Max clichés and crawled back out trailing the bedraggled remnants of Tina Turner’s Thunderdome wardrobe behind them and then they drug those bedraggled remnants through a feces filled LA sewer pipe and traipsed them into the CBS Studios dressing room where they stapled them onto the kids’ backs and threw boot black on their faces and then Tasty made them do unspeakable things while clinging to Fat Albert’s chain link fence all so that he could highlight his inappropriate child crush on Jakob and I refuse. So there was that.
And what else happened? Oh yes, Ameriker lost its collective mind and put Kathryn in the B2 girls while the Tween Terror lived to hair fling another day. What in the holy hell, America? And the high talker was so sad. That voice almost got away from her, kittens, but I was willing her to rein it in. And she did. Poor little trooper. No more trips to the B2 for that one, ya heard? She must make it to the bloated top 6 finale show or else.
So there we were with the much wronged Kathryn joining the doomed Noelle for our B2 girls and the unlucky Ryan joining the broken Nathan. And then all of them just did the same damn thing that got them shoved into the bottom the night before on their solos except for the only one whose original solo was worth a damn anyway. And boy did Nathan turn it out for a swan song. First of all, Pretty Wings by Maxwell? Strangé, young sir. Strangé. And to top it off, the solo was beautiful. Again. Some more. Darlings, if this show were So You Think You Can Solo, this kid would be holding the crown right now. But unfortunately, this result is what happens when you come off like an entitled brat for 5 weeks running. And kiddies, I don’t think Nathan is actually a bad kid. Probably not a spoiled, arrogant bone in his body. Nope, I don’t think he’s a rotten, stuck up so-and-so anymore than I really down deep think that Mollee is a giggly idiot 24-7. I think this kid is young and immature. Too young to be on this show. Y’all know how I feel about 16 year olds on Idol. Well I’m getting to feel the same way about 18 year olds on this show. Not only does their dancing tend to lack the requisite maturity, but they themselves often lack the maturity to put themselves forward in the best possible light. For every Jeanine, there are legion of Mollees and Nathans and Laceys and Laurens and young kids who just imploded on the show under the weight of the camera’s glare and their own march to adulthood. Cap it at 20 and let’s keep it moving.
So Noelle and Nathan took a long walk off of a short pier. I should be more broken up about Nathan’s leaving since I’ve been in love with him since S5 auditions, but honestly all of the other boys left have lots to recommend them and have been more engaging personalities and pleasanter presences on the show to date than has Nathan. And he’ll do fine anyway. The kid is a frighteningly good dancer and he’s just a wee baby. With his talent, he’ll not lack for opportunities. As for Noelle, well it should’ve been Mollee, but that was never going to happen with Nigel and Co. pimping so relentlessly for her. And if it hadn’t been this week, Noelle would’ve been out at 8. This way, I think we have a realistic shot at dumping the Tween Terror next week and winding up with a girl’s F3 of Ellenore, Kathryn and FP, which I’d be more than happy with. I think Ryan will surely hit the road next week, leaving two hip hop kids and a contempo boy as the F3 and I am definitely down for a Russell/Legacy/Jakob finale smackdown.
Couples for next week, though, kittens. First things first. I could get behind Rusell/Ellenore and Jakob/Kathryn, but unfortunately I think Jakob might get saddled with Mollee in a vain attempt by the show to save their pretty, pretty princess. I also think there’s no way that you could Pair Mollee with Ryan and not be in violation of Meghan’s Law, and the show won’t let FP and Ryan compete together unless they both find a way to make top 6 and Legacy is not a strong enough partner to save Mollee all on his own. Therefore, what I think what we’ll actually get is:
Russell/ Ashleigh
Jakob/Mollee
Legacy/Ellenore
Ryan/Kathryn
So basically your two strongest guys with your two weakest girls. It would certainly provide a level playing field.
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