SYTYCD S6 Finale Results Show Came Out Like “Aaaargh”

The Winner

Russell is your favorite dancer, America. You done good. Kittens, color me satisfied. FP and her man had their Jive-y moment and then went out 5-6 like good little cannon fodder. And the top 4 were lovely and amazing and from elimination to elimination, I was in agony and not knowing which ones I wanted to go home and which ones I wanted to move on. Ellenore out fourth? No! It’s unpossible. But if not there, then who? Kathryn? She’s too gorgeous. And she went out third anyway. (Cheeky camera monkeys with the cut to Legacy. I’m not buying what you’re selling, but good on ya for trying) And then the truly impossible choice. Jakob or Russell? Russell or Jakob? Forget Solomon, this was the true “split the baby in two” moment, darlings. And just standing there, couldn’t you tell by Jakob’s expression that he knew that he wouldn’t be winning the title of America’s Favorite Dancer? Because he knows what all of us students of the show know. The best technical dancer never wins. They never have won and, kiddies, I’m beginning to believe that they never will win. Because if not this year, then when? If not the divine Jakob Karr, then who? Young, gorgeous, kinda goofy, fun personality, able to do things with his body that leave you breathless, never took a false turn across the entire season. And he still couldn’t beat out the scrappy, up from the street (MY ASS!) feel good story. (On that note, kiddies, Russell is not a diamond in the rough. Nigel and his unexamined biases and his bullshit street dancer blind spots are on my last nerve) So let’s hear it for Russell. Until the moment Cat knelt down on the floor (Diva!) and coaxed an interview out of a sobbing and incoherent, shirtless man, I hadn’t realized how much I was secretly rooting for him to win. Kittens, Russell is love. And the cute parents. And the girlfriend with the 70’s black power ‘fro. And the Kevin man-love. Bless!

The Music

There were musical performances. Two of the people could actually sing and two of them could not. I refuse with the singing, but let me just state that Leona Lewis and her bad fashion sense and her unfortunate man face and her pitchy singing and horrendous song choice need to go somewhere and sit down. She is not now nor has she ever been Mimi. British people, no. Stop trying to make Leona Lewis happen. She’s not going to happen. One hit wonder, darlings, and I credit that mainly to Mark and Chelsie. Mary J. looked fierce rocking the short blonde hair and the strapless cocktail dress. And Adam Lambert. Oh, my stars and garters, kittens! Adam Lambert. He is a glitter bomb boy/girl alien sex god. The eyeliner, the black nail polish, the gelled hair, the skinny suit and tie with the balled up black pantyhose sewed onto one shoulder. And was he wearing spats, y’all? Work! Wouldn’t he and Jakob make the sparkliest, most extravagantly talented, most gorgeous couple ever? How can we make that happen?

The Dancing

I understood most of the judges picks, even if I myself wouldn’t have chosen them. Nigel threw in one head scratcher although I understood it coming from him. And honestly, kiddies, I was just so glad to see Lil C and Miss Debbie Allen (and her weave) up there on that judges panel, well, it was kind of perfect. They even made me accept Tasty, which just goes to show how much I missed the guest judges this season. I will not recap the dances because we’ve seen them before, literally for all of the Russell-centric dances save the first one. Let’s do the Top 20 group dance, though, just for the good times.

Top 20 Group Dance/Jazz/Kelley Abbey (Scared of Me/Feddy Le Grand) – Noodles, I disapprove of bringing in a brand new choreographer for the finale group dance. Not that I didn’t like this new girl, she of the two first names. It’s just that the finale night is a celebration of family, the family that has grown up amongst the dancers and the judges and the viewers of the show over the course of the season. And I don’t want some outsider, no matter how cute or talented, busting up into my family reunion. Also, they’ve had some great new choreographers this season as well as some iconic dances from their core stable of choreographers (NappyTab excluded). Especially on the jazz/contemporary side of the spectrum. Showcase the folks who’ve worked hard for you and your dancers all season and save Ms. Abbey for next season. All that said, it was a good dance, darlings. The top four were appropriately featured and turning it out. Jakob had on almost as much eye make up as Adam (We've already covered that) and was fierce. And the top 20 reminded me that this was perhaps the most extravagantly talented, completely likeable group of dancers we’ve had on the show ever. And the hos and trannys stayed on the wagon for the evening, so well done, y’all. Kudos all around.

The Groovaloos were a nice touch. Appropriately fun and old school. And the b-boys were fire. The poppers left a little something to be desired. I’ve seen better on SYTYCD. Overall enjoyable, but paled in comparison to the high bar set by LXD. Hip hop guest troops have a lot to live up to after that.

JLo/Louboutins – Because it sure as hell wasn’t a vocal performance, kittens. Family, you know it’s serious when she can’t even lip synch on key. That used to only be true for AI group sings. Whatever you think about her song stylings, the bitch can dance. She was kind of turning it out with her big old bedazzled booty. And we must give props to her for incorporating the SYTYCD girls into her performance, no? Never forget your Fly Girl roots, JLo. Perhaps one day these young girls can be man stealing homewreckers married to ghoulish man trolls with mansions in New Jersey and twins who look nothing like either them or their husbands.

Lil C’s Picks

The Kevin/Legacy/Russell Top 20 reveal show group dance made sense for him. Was it the best hip hop of the season? Hardly. But you know he wishes he could’ve gotten his hands on at least one of those boys to set a piece on them. What’s up with that, Simon Fuller? Honestly. When will you ever have a krumper as good as Russell again on the show? A b-boy as versatile and charismatic as Legacy? Exactly. So I see why he chose the way he did. I loved his second pick. That Jakob/Arianna/Channing/Nathan Top 20 number was magical. And it gave us such fantastic bits of Lil C babble. “Dance through every portal of their being.” “An orgy of majestic contemporary artistry.” Oh, Lil C. Don’t ever change. If anything, I think these four might’ve danced this even better than the first time. Arianna as first off the show was really a mistake, darlings, and it would lead us eventually to the FP Pity-a-thon and nobody wanted that, did they? Overall, solid picks by Lil C. He was missed this season.

Shankdaddy’s Picks

Oh, I’ll love him forever for picking that Jakob/Ellenore Sonya piece. This is what he should be pimping for an Emmy, kittens. So much gorgeous work by these two in this dance. I’ve been mulling it since the first time I saw it and I think it is the best piece Sonya’s done on this show. Even better than the Mark/Courtney Secret Garden routine, and you know how it pains me to put anyone above my beautiful boy from Hawai’i. But this was perfect marriage of music and movement and choreographer’s vision with dancers’ abilities and . . . it was perfection. And the second piece, hee! Shankdaddy loves Ellenore. We do, too, Adam! And that’s why we’ll always love you. Legacy and Ellenore are so committed in this dance. It’s not my favorite Travis Wall piece and the supersize executive table has been done before, and better, by Mandy, no? But this was a demanding, athletic number that showed both Ellenore and Legacy off to great advantage. Legacy’s flip over the table is still quite a move. Yes, Shankdaddy gets two thumbs up for his picks.

Nigel’s Picks

Well, one out of three ain’t bad, kiddies. Look, I dislike choosing routines from the finale for the results show recap. No matter how dynamic, we just saw it last night. We really, really don’t need to see it again. However, if we had to have a repeat, I guess this Kathryn/Jakob piece is as worthy as you’re going to find. And when you get the opportunity to showcase Desmond and Dwight to a national audience, you do it. So yay, Desmond and Dwight! If you live in NYC, go see Complexions, because they are awesome. And Dwight and Desmond, offer that fool Jakob a spot in your company already. I won’t quibble at all with choosing Wades Top 20 opening night group routine because it was fire and proved a phenomenal showcase for the kids. Well, I’ll quibble about the show continuing to give choreographer credits to Amanda Robson despite the fact that we’ve never seen the bitch dance or choreograph a step. Just because you are a muse, that does not make you a choreographer. Just no. But about the choice of routine, noodles, I’m all about it. This one, I would’ve liked to see danced again live and it’s a shame that so many quality dancers missed out on another shot to strut their stuff live for the studio audience because of Russell’s untimely accident. The Bianca/Peter/Philip tap routine from Top 20 night was a misstep, primarily because Peter and Philip are much better tappers than Bianca is and it shows here. She’s totally exposed as only a middling tapper. They are gorgeous in the piece though. And I guess picking it finally did force Nigel and the show to acknowledge that they have, in fact, had a tapper in the top 20 before and to just generally recognize the existence of S1, so it did some good to have it on my TV screen last night.

Mary’s Picks

I can’t hate on Mary for picking an original ballroom number for Ryan and the Fug Princess because seriously. That shit last night wasn’t right. And they turned it out, kiddies. One of the best jives I’ve seen on this show. I am seeing DWTS in Ryan’s future if he wants it. Sadly, I think FP may be just a little bit too fugly for the show, but she can make a lot of money teaching and choreographing. I am glad to see the end of the DiLello pimping. They grew on me like a fungus, but they really shouldn’t have gotten as far as they did on the show. When I think that we could’ve had Paula Van Oppen rather than FP? I weep, noodles! I weep. The Russell/Kathryn hip hop as a pick was so unworthy and can I just say that it’s no wonder that Russell came up lame last night. Look at the sheer number of dances he was slated to do last night. They were fixing to wear him out, kittens. Poor lamb.

Tasty’s Picks

It’s wrong that Miss Debbie Allen had to split her picks with this fool. And then he went and wasted his pick on the Tween Terrors. Bitch, please. Look, this was their one good routine amongst a sea of crap and I will give it to them that they did tear it up including the fact that Nathan fell and busted his ass worse than JLo on the AMAs and he turned that shit into a roll and kept it moving which is the mark of a true pro and he was serving it. Still, on finale night? Might as well have picked his tired little Can Can. Wasted space.

Miss Debbie Allen’s Picks

Of course, Miss Allen picked a winner. You know she loves her some Russell, don’t you? She was like a proud Mama Bear, kittens and I just loved it. Sadly, we didn’t get to see the man himself perform this Russell/Noelle African Jazz again, but that was an excellent, excellent pick by the diva. I truly hope Cheesman and his mysteriously missing “e” come back in S7 because this routine was fire.

The Aftermath

I’m spent, darlings. And I barely have a few weeks to get back in fighting trim for Idol. Fox needs to never, ever, ever do a fall season of SYTYCD ever again. I love this show. I loved these kids. Pound for pound, this may have been one of the best casts ever. But to everything there is a season, no? And fall damn sure ain’t it when it comes to SYTYCD. Keep it a summer trifle. Give us a season to lie fallow. And we will bear sweet fruit come AI harvest time and revel in the SYTYCD fields of gold all summer. That’s a little bit of poetry for your ass to close things out. Don’t say I never gave you anything, kiddies.