SYTYCD S5 Finals Ep16 Where Are the Clowns?

It was all going so well, darlings. What happened? The group dance and Will and Jessica made me remember that I don’t actually hate Tasty. I only hate Broadway Tasty. I got a little twinge of nostalgia seeing Katee Fat Face and Twitch which distracted me from my general disdain for that horrible door dance. Dmitry’s tango, while not my first choice as Emmy material, was enjoyable and I got to see Chelsie of the original incredible feet and Josh sans mini-ponytail. (Unknown barber who cut that ponytail off, I love you. Now do something about Ade’s afro pick) Brandon and Jeanine were immediately called safe and into our final 4 as the gods intended. I could even forgive Cat her Dynasty moment with the sequins and the shoulder pads and the overly lacquered updo because she just looked so cracked out crazy and I thought any second they were going to drag a wading pool on stage and let her and Mary re-enact the Krystal vs. Alexis slapfight in the fountain in the driveway of the Carrington Mansion. Jabbawokeez totally bringing it as the dance guest and making me miss ABDC and weep for hip hop on this show. Sean Paul and his traveling hood rats doing whatever it was that they do. (I can't help it, noodles, I love me some Sean Paul. Maybe it's the accent? The high yellowness? The corn rows? Nope? Well, every diva has her secret weakness) And of course the best part was seeing the lovely and amazing Mark from Hawaii totally owning the stage once again and making me remember what true sexy is all about. And then Kayla, the new flavor incredible feet, made it past Melissa, which was sad but warranted and it was all set for as good a final four as we were going to get given that Janette is not a part of it. And then. Oh, noodles, what happened? Who are these teenyboppers and grannies power voting for Mini-Gene and how can we get them to stop the madness? Evan over Ade? Really?

Listen, kittens, I’ve loved Evan since he didn’t make the show in S4. No one was happier than me to see him and his bald brother take Las Vegas by storm. And I have even enjoyed Mini-Gene on the show this year. His solos have been consistently excellent, well choreographed and well danced. I thought he was all kinds of fabulous in Mia’s "Ode to Booty" dance. And I loved his first contemporary this season with Randi, too. But there’s no denying that he has mostly failed to deliver on the show. He only has the one thing – the faux Golden Era of Hollywood/Gene Kelley/Let’s Put on a Show/MGM Musical thing. And he has that thing down pat, no question. But to win this show, the dancers should be able to show versatility and adapt to other styles. Josh was a great popper, but I’ll be damned if that Mia piece with Katee wasn’t one of the best contemporary routines ever done on this show. Sabra shouldn’t have won over Danny, but she did and I’m still dealing with it. But give the girl her due, she could do anything. Ballroom, contemporary, her hip hop with Dom was one of the routines of the season. Benji grew tremendously over the course of S2 from quirky ballroom guy to his beautiful work in that Mia Top 6 group number (still my favorite group number ever!) and he learned how to bring other sides of himself beyond just goofy hoofer. And S1 Nick, for all that he turned out to be a diva bitch in the aftermath, could do anything. Still the best disco ever on the show with Kamilah. What I’m saying is that versatility is the calling card of this show. You shouldn’t be this close to winning if you only have the one thing that is your thing. This was what made me so crazy last year when Twitch outlasted Mark. (Well, one of the things that made me so crazy. Y'all can guess at the rest, no?) You can’t just be a hip hop specialist or a Broadway (and one highly stylized type of Broadway at that) specialist or a whatever specialist and win this show. Or make that shouldn’t, darlings, because I actually think Evan has a more than decent shot at winning this show. And that would be a shame. I’ve had my qualms about past season’s winners, but one thing that’s true is that they were all dance chameleons. Evan is not that. Sigh.

Anyway, darlings. There you have your top 4: Brandon, Jeanine, Evan and Kayla. I don’t want to be overly pessimistic, but I don’t think this bodes well for an S3 style mega-finale. Without Janette, I gotta pull for my boy, Brandon, to take it all. I wouldn’t be mad at either Jeanine (who has a real shot) or Kayla (who has no shot) taking home the title of America’s Favorite Dancer. But I’m frightened that it might be Evan walking away with the crown which would cement S5 as my least favorite season of all time. Truth time, noodles, it’ll probably be that anyway, but an Evan win will end all doubt. At least I’ll only have to wait a month for a new group of kids to worship.

SYTYCD S5 Finals Ep15 The Stage Is Your Bowl

Kittens, did you think I would abandon you in this, your hour of need? Heaven forefend. Life intervenes, noodles, and makes me miss things that would just cause me to hurt all of you, such as bouncing the fabulous Janette who clearly should have taken it all this season. WTF, America? First Janette is bounced and now Judge #4 is re-signed for next season’s AI while Paula twists in the wind? Oh, I don’t even think so. And Evan is still here. Still? Really? I need a minute.

OK, where was I? Oh, yes. Back just in time to dish on the fabulous Cat Deeley and her purple dress and black leather cuff that I covet almost more than I care to admit. And obviously, Cat is inspiring the crack hos in wardrobe to pick up their game because most of the kids looked super cute last night and they let Brandon be practically naked for his solo which is finally! So Cat was there, the kids intro-ed. The girls all did a tired variation on what they’ve been doing every week since the finals started and Brandon was entirely fierce and then Cat came out looking super cute and we were off. Off to Lil C.

Darlings, can we just deal with Lil C? Yes, his shtick has become shtick at this point and there were moments last night where I was praying that the production monkeys would cut his mike off, but he did drop some gems along the way last night, no? I mean, I had to give him the title of this here blog entry. And yet, I would humbly submit to you that it’s time to put Lil C out to pasture as a judge. Why not bring BFree back to the panel? He was a fantastically bitchy judge in seasons 1 and 2. Or let one of the new choreographers judge. I’d bet Joey Dowling could bring the snark, no? How can we miss the inane ramblings of Lil C if he won’t go away?

Let’s go bottom up for last night, kiddies, since the two dancers that I think should be going home were paired. So close now. The producers can smell season 6 just around the corner.

I Think the Decisions Have Been Appropriated

Melissa and Evan

So it was obvious that the show wants these two to go home, right? They’ve been trying to get rid of Evan since he crashed their top 5 boys ruining the Chbeeb redemption arc. And they were totally giving Melissa the “Thank you for playing” treatment last night. And I can’t say I disagree, noodles. Evan is long past his sell by date on this show, and that with the fact that he had his best night in weeks last night. And Melissa. Well, Melissa is lovely. She truly is. And she, too, had a fairly good night last night, but in comparison to Jeanine and Kayla, she doesn’t sparkle like they do. Jeanine has turned into a monster of dance and Kayla is exquisite in every way on the dance floor (Shame about the stank personality). So anyway, they’re doomed. They danced. Here’s how it happened.

Broadway/Get Me to the Church on Time/Tasty – Frikkin’ Tasty, y’all. Can we just put this fool out to pasture? When even Nigel gives up on pimping the choreographers and points out how ridiculously easy the routine was, then you know that the choreographer is just not serving. At least the character was a better fit for Evan. And he and Melissa danced it well. Crisp, clean, cute. It was unfair of the judges to ask for more when they were given such poor material to work with. Any one of the solos Evan’s done this season has had more life and difficulty than every Broadway piece Tasty has ever done on this show. Can we just get Ryan Kasprzak as the designated Broadway choreographer now? On the real. The routine was cute and entirely competent, but not the kind of thing that warrants an appearance in the top 4.

Quickstep/As Long as I’m Singing/Louis Van Amstel – I’ve loved the addition of Louis to this show’s stable of choreographers, kittens. In fact, I’d say top to bottom, the ballroom choreographers are just as good as the stellar round up of contemporary folks that they’ve got and that’s saying something. However, I must, must take offense at this routine. The answer to the problem of Quickstep on this show is not just to decide not to choreograph a Quickstep and that’s what every single one of the choreographers, from Louis to Tony and Melanie, has done this season. The show either needs to acknowledge that Quickstep technique is too much to ask two non-trained ballroom dancers to pick up and eliminate it from the rotation once all the ballroom peeps are gone or direct the choreographers to stay true to the style and let the dance chips fall where they may. Evan and Melissa were cute as buttons, and they looked like they were having a lot of fun doing the Charleston, the Lindy Hop and even a little Jitterbug/Jive thrown in for good measure. But what they weren’t doing was Quickstep, which is the style they’d been assigned. They looked good, though. There’s that. And Evan once again proved what a solid partner he is. He handled his big woman.

Melissa Solo/I Put a Spell On You – Same as it ever was, no? She was saucy and a little bit naughty, beautiful technique, and I’m so bored now.

Evan Solo/The Lady Is a Tramp – Without question, the best choreographed solos ever on this show. Mini-Gene is still a favorite with me, but it really is time for him to go.

You Gotta Eat Because the Stage Is Your Bowl

Jeanine and Ade

These two did not have a great night, but they both did enough to merit a spot at the top in my humble opinion. Ade was terrible in samba, great in hip hop, and his solo was either good or terrible depending on how much it matters to you that dancers can keep time to the music. Jeanine was so-so in samba, just OK in hip hop, and great in her solo which was both technically demanding and wildly entertaining. I have a sneaking suspicion that Ade is going to get Pasha’d and not make top 4 even though he’s got it all over Evan, but we’ll have to wait until tonight to see how that plays out.

Samba/Love Game/Louis Van Amstel – So Louis was not on his game last night, kiddies. Lady Gaga for samba? Really? And I have to also give the stink eye to some of the choreography. That open leg, squat on the forearms and then roll through to a lift with legs wrapped around the waist move was not of the Lord. This is dance not soft core porn. I don’t want to see that much of anyone’s crotch. So, the musical choice was horrible, some of the choreography was questionable, and then there was the execution, which was sloppy, darlings. Let’s be honest. Sloppy feet, sloppy arms, not down enough into the floor, not enough hip action. As Mary pointed out, the samba rolls were pathetic. Ugh. Feh for both of them. Jeanine was slightly better than Ade, and I’ll agree that the costuming worked in her favor, though not in the lecherous way that Lil C and Nigel were suggesting. It just played more into the feel of the samba and detracted from her lack of technique. She looked the part even if she didn’t dance it.

Hip Hop/Move (If You Wanna)/NappyTab – Ade was a beast in this routine. Kittens, trust that he murdered that choreography. I was amazed by how far he turned it out. He could be in videos every day of the week and twice on Sundays. And that was great for him, but not so much for Jeanine. She really gave it her all and she was not bad, but next to Ade she looked like a rank amateur. Picture that kinda good white, dance team girl who decides that she can hang in the advanced level hip hop class and then when she gets there she can pick the steps up but that’s where it ends. That was Jeanine in this routine. And reluctantly, kiddies, I must give props to NappyTab. They proved yet again that when they can let go of the overly literal, every word must have a corresponding move style of “lyrical” hip hop that they are so fond of, they are quite good choreographers. Loved this routine, loved the clever use of props. (Dancing with the boxes on their feet? Genius!) Yep, I was all good with this routine. And Ade is magnificent. Just in case you missed it. Watch again. He is hitting beats even the choreographers didn’t know were in there.

Ade Solo/18th Floor Balcony – Kittens, I think maybe Ade can’t hear. Seriously. Maybe it’s a situation like in that movie, Ice Castles, about that small town skater who gets taken under the wing of the big time coach and then she goes off into the bright lights and big city and turns her back on her corn fed father, salt of the earth childhood coach, and scrappy everyman boyfriend and then she starts dating this older man and blowing off training for partying and really feeling herself and then she is skating outside on this rink and there are chains and shit all over it and then she falls and hits her head and then she goes like 90% blind so the fancy pants coach drops her and she starts to wallow in her tragedy but then she learns how to skate again just through the love of her scrappy boyfriend/coach and then she competes at the Olympic trials and she totally nails her routine and it's all happy until she starts skating around the rink to take her bows and everyone is throwing roses on the ice only she can’t see them so she falls and then everyone realizes that she’s blind and then her scrappy boyfriend walks out onto the ice and helps her up and they share a rueful laugh because they had thought of every eventuality in their carefully crafted master plan to get a blind woman into the regular people Olympics except for they forgot to plan for how she was going to be so brilliant that people would throw flowers on the ice and she wouldn’t see them so she’d trip and then they hold hands and shrug because regardless she is awesome and she kicked all the other skaters’ asses and everyone cries including the fancy pants coach who dropped her. So I think the sitch on SYTYCD is just like that except that Ade can’t really hear and so he learns all his routines just through counts except when he has to dance for his life, he can’t practice with counts, and so he just goes out and does something but since he can’t hear the music, it doesn’t match up and his solos just wind up looking crazy. That’s the only explanation I can think of for the lack of musicality on display last night.

Jeanine Solo/Feedback – Immediate points for using this underappreciated Janet Jackson groove. And did y’all see that quadruple turn she busted out and the control she demonstrated at the end there when she reined it in and pouted cheekily at the audience in perfect time to the music? Sick. It’s such a pleasure to see ladies with nice, solid centers on the show this season rather than the typical weebles wobbling that we tend to get, no? Loved the solo, noodles.

When You See with Your Ears, There Is No Darkness

Kayla and Brandon

Contemporary/All I Want/Stacey Tookie – Kittens, Ms. Tookie is a great addition to the stable of contemporary choreographers. She did not disappoint. This was a gorgeous routine. From the very first moments when they were silent and separate on the stage, the whole thing was on. And of course, these two both have lovely lines and flawless technique. Brandon is an absolute superstar. So much power and strength, so much intentionality behind his movement. And Kayla. I can’t rave enough about how exquisite her legs and feet are. Toe point of the gods, noodles. That one lift where he was holding her kind of shoulder height on her side with her legs bent and then they kind of popped the lift out into an almost straight, horizontal position and back to the original hold? So much core strength required of both of them to be able to do that. Ridiculous. I’d agree that the connection wasn’t all the way there for me. I don’t know that I bought them as lovers, but I definitely appreciated the beauty of the execution.

Disco/Dance (Disco Heat)/Doriana – Well, you knew this was going to be a trick factory going in. Luckily, the two of them are technically skilled enough to mostly pull it off. I was impressed here by Kayla’s ability to let go and really get into the cheesy character of the dance. She looked like she was having a ton of fun, and that’s half the battle in disco. This reminded me of the Neil/Sara disco. There were some cute, funky moves, challenging lifts, an opportunity for Brandon to show off his tumbling skills. All the elements were in place. And the double death drop was fun. I love how excited Unca Nigel gets when the kids lay down a good disco. I’m sure it takes him back to his days at Studio 57.

Kayla Solo/You Found Me – Flail. Flail. Turn. Extension. Flail. Yawn.

Brandon Solo/O, Fortuna – Naked Brandon. Naked Brandon being all beautiful and powerful and Ailey-esque. I’m sorry, kittens. I need a moment.

You Are Modifying Your Manipulation of Movement

Boys Group Number/Contemporary (She Wants Revenge)/Sonya – Every piece of that routine was awesome. I expected Brandon and Ade to serve, and they did. But Evan? Kiddies, Evan came to play in this piece. Double tours and a standing back tuck? I didn’t even know that he had it like that. The routine was all over hot and everybody popped. What’s more, had they been doing top 3 group dances in seasons past, I’m not sure that any other trio could’ve done it any better, if at all. Last season, Twitch could not have handled something this technically demanding. Joshua could’ve hung with it and Mark would’ve been divine as the Mark/Bow Wow Wow combo was always magic. In S3, Danny and the Hunchback could’ve brought it, but Pasha would’ve really struggled. Travis is the only S2 boy that I could see being up to the technical demands of the piece at the time that he was on the show. Both Benji and Ivan seem to have grown enormously as dancers since their time on SYTYCD, but during their season, nope. Neither one. Well, in S1, Blake and Nick would’ve been divine but Jamile, yeah, I can’t see it.

There Was a Dominant Submission

Girls Group Number/Contemporary (Kick It [Stereohouse Remix])/Sonya – Three ladies with impeccable technique + Bow Wow Wow. What’s not to love? I thought the routine was excellent fun. Loved the costumes and loved Cat and her cuff forming the perfect fourth. They dance and fight crime! I was again struck by Kayla. She’s so beautiful when she dances. I wish she weren’t so stank. Maybe she’ll grow out of it?

Random Musings and Losings

I love how much Mary misses Janette. I do too, kittens. It’s just wrong.

Nigel needs to give the whole “no star quality” thing a rest because after all, he cast the show with nobodies like random ballroom boy whose name I don’t even remember anymore and his equally scintillating partner who got voted off week one, Ms. No Name. Or such sparklers as Tony “No Growth Arc” Bellisimo or even folks like Fat Face and Karla who were cute and all that but never stars. All the while Natalie weeps in a corner somewhere wailing and gnashing her teeth.

To refute Nigel’s inane point, Brandon Bryant is a superstar and he was the best dancer of them all last year when he didn’t even make the show and with the criminal booting of Janette last week, he will take it all if there is any justice in this world.

In a sane world, we’d say goodbye to Melissa and Evan tonight, but Evan has become the cockroach of the season, and I say this as someone who really likes him, so he could totally eke through. If he manages to bump Ade, I’ll be sad but not inconsolable. But Kittens, if he somehow causes me to lose Brandon, there will be blood.

SYTYCD S5 Finals Ep12 The Emmy Voters Are On Crack

Really, Emmy voters? Really? Mia’s door dance monstrosity over Sonya’s Secret Garden piece or over her own contemporary for Joshua and Katee? Tasty’s contemporary for Will and Jessica was lovely, but it was better than the pas de deux Desmond Richardson choreographed for Will and Katee? Really? I loved Mark and Chelsea with an unholy passion, but was Bleeding Love really a more accomplished piece than No Air? I mean, bad enough that you had to throw NappyTab in the mix at all, but at least pick the right number. And don’t even get me started on the fact that Padma “Monotone is the only tone” Lakshmi got a nod for Best Reality Host while Cat Deeley is on the outside looking in. Crack is whack, Emmy voters.

Wade’s opening piece was a thing of beauty which will likely get snubbed by Emmy voters next year due to the aforementioned crack addiction. And it sure seems like somebody likes Melissa an awful lot, no? I can’t even hate, though, noodles because granny was fierce. Not only was her pointe work flawless, but she also found a way to dance and move gracefully in pointe shoes while not on pointe. That is no mean feat, darlings. The duo of Jeanine and Kayla were powerful and graceful, further proving the points that Kayla is much more likeable now that she’s shed her first two partners and that Jeanine is magic. The other kids didn’t detract, nor did they stand out. And who else but Wade would give us stepping rice paddy workers, a geisha ballerina, and chasse-ing lady ninjas? Loved it.

I thought all the kids who didn’t dress themselves looked adorable last night. The crack hos were on point because apparently the Emmy voters smoked up all the available crack and they work better clean and sober. Likewise, the trannys in hair and make up decided to bring it since one of their own was inexplicably nominated for an Emmy and why, god, why? Sadly, that means our dear Cat Deeley, bravely sticking to her plan to do her own thing this season, was once again caught out there on crazy fashion island with Citizen #1 and President of Ridiculous Clothing Land, Kupono, as her only companion. Cat’s continuing determination to show us her cooter is mystifying. She’s cute and all, but I’d prefer not to be all up in her cooch. As for Kupono, I have no words, kittens. When one gets to the point in one’s life where a mesh, backless half shirt, a bleached seaweed belt and avocado green capri length Hammer pants sound like a perfectly good outfit, then one has really gone too far to be redeemed. To be sent home looking that ridiculous. Oh, the humanity!

As for our bottom 4, well two of them were right. Kittens, Kupono and Randi leaving last night was written in the stars, but I didn’t see Melissa and Ade joining them in B2. For the girls, someone fabulous was going to wind up as Randi’s counterpart regardless, but Evan’s fan base is mighty if it could carry him past that horrible African and into safety. I’m thinking it had to be Ade’s ridiculously unmusical solo that sank him, no? Given that, it’s a shame that he had to do it again. Let’s hope he learns something from this, because he is going to have to bring it to get past Evan and his fans next week . . . or someone will have to bring it, even if it’s not him. Evan can’t possibly have as bad a week as this one, and I predict they’ll pair him up with Janette as the least problematic partner. And Janette makes all of her partners better, so he’s bound to have an up week. What I’m saying is, the other three boys had best come loaded for bear or else.

You know who else makes everyone better? Ms. Debbie Allen. From calling Mary out on her role in sending Randi to the B2 to . . . calling Mary out on her weave, she was every inch fabulous! Forget her as a judge, darlings, I want to stalk her and make her my friend and spiritual guide.

The big 100th Episode is on tap and since I was in the house for the taping of some of that, I am excited to see how it comes out on TV. I hope that they pair up Janette and Evan next week because I don’t want to see that fool in Cuban heels ever again. A Jeanine/Brandon pairing would be lovely, but it would also likely ensure that Brandon has to do another ballroom dance since Jeanine just had contemporary and has already done two hip hop routines with the Chbeeb, so instead I’ll take Jeanine/Ade. Maybe some of her musicality will rub off on him. That means Brandon and Kayla since he’s already been paired with Melissa and that would be fine since it’s about time for Kayla to get hip hop and we know that he can smash it. Unfortunately, kittens, that would leave Melissa with that personality vacuum, Jason. Last week, I wouldn’t have worried about that at all, but she has lost a lot of steam since then. As the always on point Debbie Allen noted, we need more from her at this stage of the competition. Lovely technique and a cutesy smile are not enough. She needs to bring the sparkle, if she can. Noodles, there must be some reason why she hasn’t reached a stage in her career at her age where she wouldn’t feel the need to go on a show like SYTYCD. If it does shake out as a Jason/Melissa pairing, they’re going to need to get someone great like Mia to give them another killer routine if they hope to leap into the top 6. And since Jason just had contemporary this week, that ain’t likely to happen. I predict that my prediction of the naughty ballerina in the top 4 will fail miserably and we will see Jason and Melissa go home next week.

SYTYCD S5 Finals Ep11 Paying In Sweat

Diva. That is all. She can even make Mary Murphy kind of cute and enjoyable.

Debbie Allen is magic, kittens. And on top of all that, the kids gave good show last night. What more can a girl ask for?

Cat was killing it in the green strapless dress, continuing the trend of Simon Fuller produced shows having the best dressed hosts in creation. And the kids looked like they were ready to join Mischa Barton on the Cedars Sinai mental ward, which means that the crack hos were back in full effect. Debbie and Mary were both struggling with some rather unflattering hair, a trend which would also crop up for poor, bewigged Fat Face later. And with that, we were off to our first group dance of the night.

Does that hurt or is that ethnic?

Girl’s Group Dance/Bollywood – Nakul was back. Yay! We love Nakul, no darlings? What didn’t we love? Fat Face rocking the side French braid. Why? Luckily the other girls all looked yummy in the rehearsal footage. And they were gorgeous in that routine. I loved everything about it. I loved the costumes. I loved the use of the props. All the girls were working it. Kayla maybe working it a little too hard, right? Jeanine was owning that center and all in all, that group dance was oodles of fun. So much better than Mia’s dying angels from last year’s top 5 and I was all set to agree with Ms. Debbie Allen that this year’s top 5, in terms of technique, kicked the other seasons’ donkey, but when I really thought about it, the dancers are usually pretty fierce by the time top 5 rolls around. I mean maybe you can make a case that last season, with both Kherington and Comfort making the top 5, they fell down a skoosh, but in years past, kiddies? Who exactly would be the weak links? Martha? Sara? Mischa Chan? None of those ladies was a favorite of mine, but if pushed, I’ll grudgingly admit that all three of them could turn it out. Good enough to continue the solid trend of good dancers making the girls top 5 will have to be enough for these ladies.

About as Flamboyant as a Bagel

Kayla and Evan/Viennese Waltz (Kiss from a Rose) – Height differential high alert! And leave it up to Melanie to call that shit out. Ha! I frikkin’ love Melanie. The good: Kayla came off as so much more likeable with Evan than with either Maks or Pono. And she was in a gorgeous dress. Aaaand that was about it for the truly good, no? Noodles, they were OK. Kayla is always lovely to watch and Evan at least had decent carriage and he held his own in the lifts. But his footwork was a problem. Mary was exactly right in pointing out that there was no flow to the work in closed hold and they lacked glide and carriage across the dance space. Overall, it was not the train wreck I feared at all. But it was far from the great performance Evan needed to establish himself as a top 4 threat. The best part of this whole performance? “Darling, you handled your big woman.” I love Debbie Allen. I just enjoy her, honey. Chiiiillleee.

Kittens, follow along. I will not be commenting on each individual solo because, what is there to say? Brandon and Ade need to look up the word subtlety and commit the definition to memory and then try to bring some of it to their dancing. Ade might also want to brush up on the definition of musicality while he’s at it. Kupono needs to . . . learn how to do a solo. And never, ever wear clothes of his own creation ever again. For real. Evan was perfection and needs to write a huge thank you letter to his brother for reminding all of America why they used to love him. Randi was Convention 101. (Thank you, Shankdaddy!) Melissa was lovely but kind of just like she always is and now I want another gear from her. Janette and Jeanine are waging an all out war for control of my heart and right now, I can’t see a clear winner. They both embodied fierce. Well, I guess there was more to say than I thought. But not nearly enough to give each one individual attention. So now we can move on.

Young and Single and Loves to Mingle

Janette and Ade/Hip Hop (LoveSexMagic) – These two could’ve been good with anyone. Together, I thought they could be great. And then I saw they got NappyTab and that went out the window, so I was back to praying for good. Which it definitely was, kiddies. NappyTab are soo much better when they are not being 100% literal. And it was a cute concept. Hypnotized by the afro pick. Ade shut it down and Janette was good, although she did get thrown off her game a little bit right at the end when they really went into some harder hitting moves. But overall, I thought it was cute and flirty and fun. And it gave Debbie Allen a chance to call Ade a pimp which by definition means that she was also calling Janette a ho and that little peak into what her inside voice is probably saying like 90% of the time was my favorite TV moment of 2009 to date, so this routine automatically goes up about 1000 points in my estimation. On a serious note, darlings, there is obviously a severe shortage of hip hop choreographers in the greater LA basin which is why the show must use NappyTab every single week, right? I mean, even if they can’t get Dave Scott or Marty Kudelka to come back, they are in the video capital of the world, no? There are other people who know how to make the booty pop. A little variety, please.

You Wanna Accumulate Some Experience?

Jeanine and Jason/Contemporary (If It Kills Me) – Travis Wall, kittens. Travis Frikkin’ Wall! I have been waiting forever for this moment. And of course, they waste it on Jason. Ewww. At least Jeanine got to reap the rewards, no? Because Travis Wall represented for S3. I loved the routine and Jeanine was so gorgeous in it. I really have not got the words. It was so intricate. There was so much in it that I loved. I feel like I need to watch it another five or six . . . hundred times before I can adequately comment. Jason was like the dance equivalent of tastefully muted wallpaper here. He certainly didn’t distract from the routine and he might have even increased it’s value in his own unassuming way, but the boy has no sparkle. Jeanine, luckily, had enough for both of them. And Nigel and Mary and Debbie were so sweet. Proud Mamas and Papa. Darlings, sometimes this show does tug at the heart strings.

You Want Them Lauging With You Not at You

Randi and Kupono/Paso (Dies Irae) – This was another couple that had bad pairing written all over them from the start. For the life of me, I could not see them together at all. At all. And while I’m a fan of Paso, I’m hard pressed to think of when I’ve ever seen a good one on this show. Chuy and Sara probably came closest, but that was ruined by the uniquely horrendous choice by Jean Marc to set the piece to We Will Rock You. Kiddies, do you think it’s time to put this dance style to pasture along with the Quickstep and Russian Folk Dancing? Of course you do, because you’re not crazy! I guess we will have to talk about the dancing. Well it was bad. Bad technique from the jump. They needed more power just all over. And I’m sure that last lift was not supposed to look like that. And then they fell out of the final pose. Not good, kittens. Not good at all.

I Sing the Body Electric

Brandon and Melissa/Broadway (Aquarius) – I had faith that they could overcome their Tasty handicap and they did. At least he wasn’t doing Fosse, although Paula needs some of what Nigel’s smoking if he thought that was anywhere in the neighborhood of what Twyla Tharp can put down. These two were amazingly synchronized throughout. They’re both great dancers with a ton of technique and it showed. And that forward roll into splits in second and then pulling up into a standing position that Brandon did? Insane. That fool is ridiculous. And Melissa’s jetes across the stage? She’s so, so serious. It was overall groovy, but fell kind of flat as the final partner dance after the power and emotion of Travis’ piece.

Less Lip, More Sweat

Boys Group Dance/African –New choreographer, kittens. Yay! Jeffrey Page served on his first SYTYCD outing. That choreography was demanding and the best example of what African is really all about that they have had on the show to date. But noodles, I was disturbed by the way all of the boys, not just Evan, comported themselves during rehearsals. “There are no counts.” “It’s all just done to the rhythm of the music.” “My diamond shoes are too tight.” Cry me a fucking river, gentlemen. Thank heaven for Ms. Debbie Allen reminding us all that technique was not invented by the Bolshoi. I thought Ade, Kupono, and Brandon were fire in the piece. Jason just could not let go, you could see him dying to count in his head, and therefore he danced small and timid. He lacked the requisite abandon. And Evan. Oh, Evan. In addition to offensively chalking up his inability to master the style to his whiteness despite the fact that none of the other boys are actually from Africa and thus not actually African, even though they are colored as the good ole boys say, he also did not even half way bring it. He didn’t even show that he knows what “it” is. And that pasty chest and side view belly paunch have been seared into my retinas and there is just not enough “No” in the world, darlings. I was disappointed.

Never Being Happy Isn’t the Same as Being Unhappy

I won’t even pretend to know who’s going home tonight as I’ve been so off base it isn’t even funny. By rights, Randi and Kupono should be leaving us. Randi is by far the weakest of the girls left, as I pointed out last week, and she had a horrid night last night. Kupono would probably be a better choice to stay than Evan because he doesn’t present as many problems as a partner for the remaining girls. And he has shown some real talent and ability in his Mia and Sonya pieces and was not terrible in his smooth ballroom with Kayla, but I don’t think he did nearly enough last night to overcome Evan’s fan base. We shall see, noodles. I’ll hit y’all back tomorrow.

SYTYCD S5 Finals Ep10 Don’t Know Much

Well, well, well. Seems we like to keep ‘em guessing, don’t we America? Kayla and Kupono chilling in the safety pit while Melissa and Ade dance for their lives? Jigga what? Randi and Evan put their tiny boots all up in the Chbeeb’s ass and send him and Jeanine on a trip to the abyss? Jigga who? Y’all don’t play. You’re getting the keys to the kingdom next week, darlings, and I’m sure you got the judges skeerid of you.

Take away Kelly Rowland and her tired weave and the unforgivable lack of a dance guest, and you have a wholly satisfying results show, no? There was a shake up in the pecking order among the couples; the B3 kids finally, finally served in their “dance for your life” solos; and more or less the right dancers made it to the top 10. I could recap the solos, but they are like a half second long and all you really need to know is that Melissa was sublime; Caitlin was cute and showed off gorgeous technique; Jeanine seemed nervous and off her game and therefore had a few wobbles falling out of turns and such but still managed to be lovely and vulnerable; Chbeeb showed again that he is a great popper and made me sad all over that he never could do anything else; like his partner, Ade was sublime; and Jason was shirtless which is all to the good because the solo was frantic and desperate again. Most importantly, we got our top 10 noodles. Let’s run them down in the order that I think they will go home!

Top 5 Boys

5. Jason – He has yet to pop. He seems to have lovely technique and he is very pretty, but he lacks . . . something. A special quality. And that has led his dancing to be competent but not magnificent. And it has led the show to downplay his presence. I feel like I know nothing about him. We might as well be going into top 20 week with him just another face in the crowd from Vegas. Pretty can sometimes take you far, and if he gets the right partner, he could sneak through top 10 week. But my money is on him to go home first.

4. Kupono – He’s quirky and the Jasmine Trias rule states that one should never underestimate the Hawaii voting bloc. They are powerhouses, kiddies. That said, his solos have been atrocious and there are times where I want more from him technique wise. More flexibility in his kicks, more amplitude in his leaps, a more finished quality to his movement, to his arms, stronger core, better center. He is limited as a dancer and I think as soon as he gets farther from his comfort zone than he’s been of late (See: his hip hop routine) that will show and he’ll go home.

3. Ade – Let me be clear that I don’t believe Ade is the number 3 guy left in the competition. However, I got burned by Evan’s fan base tonight, so I will give them their due. As we saw with the Hunchback, a cute face and a large and vocal tween fan base can trump a better dancer. (Still miss you, Pasha!) Ade is lovely, but as I was saying yesterday, kittens, he lacks polish. In a couple of years, I believe he will be a beast. Now he’s kind of raw. You can tell he’s still forming who he’ll be as a dancer and it’s been a joy to watch, no? And if he starts to have some break out performances, I think he could leapfrog into the top 4. As it stands now, I think he’ll be the shocking top 6 bootee.

2. Evan – He has underperformed since about Top 16, but I still think Mini-Gene has enough juice to make it all the way to top 4 now that he’s away from the clutches of the judges. He could definitely be tripped up by the height differential and I’m kind of scratching my head at how the partnering is going to work with any other girl save Randi (who I predict will be first girl out). If he winds up in a Ricky/Ashley Tango situation, he could be gone as early this week. I mean, seriously, kittens, can you see him paired up with Kayla? The mind reels. But if the pairings are favorable and the dance styles are kind, he could definitely make it all the way to the finale.

1. Brandon – He was the number one boy last season and he wasn't even on the show. And the bitch hasn’t given an inch. He’s ridiculously talented. He’s versatile. He has a body that will not stop. He’s got a sunny smile and an awesome, funny personality. This kid’s got it all working. I don’t know if he’ll win, but I think he’s the only boy that has a legitimate shot.

Top 5 Girls

5. Randi – Had they hit B3, I thought she should’ve gone this week. Fat face has done far better in this competition than I ever thought she would, but she is just straight up outclassed by perhaps the strongest ladies top 5 in the history of the show. She doesn’t have Melissa’s technique. She can’t match Kayla’s lines, legs, and feet. She’s not the all around dancer that Jeanine is. And the gods all know that she will never be half as all around fierce as Janette even on her best day. I don’t hate Randi, but she is running with the thoroughbreds here and she just doesn’t measure up.

4. Kayla – She has the stench of a failed chosen one like Mischa Chan and Kherington before her. And I think she’s secretly stank. For real. There’s something about her, noodles, that just doesn’t sit right with me. I find her an empty vessel. She’s pretty enough. She has fantastic technique, exquisite lines, good musicality. And yet the whole is so much less than the sum of its parts. When you add her all up, you should get a super competitor, but really, she’s just a girl with a ton of potential. I wish I could see her with more years and wisdom and maturity under her belt. For now, she’s kind of a lightweight.

3. Jeanine – This girl will be killed by lack of exposure. If she had caught some PA’s fancy earlier in the season. If she’d had a better back story, one that could’ve stacked up against untrained salsa dancer and Oldest! Contestant! In the competition! Ever! If she’d lucked into a better partner in the early rounds. If wishes were horses, right? Truth is, none of that happened for Jeanine, and while she is a truly special dancer, I just don’t think there is enough time or show left for her to overtake the final two. Maybe if she pulls Ade/Brandon in successive weeks and gets two utterly stellar routines while the other girls falter. But as it now stands, I expect her to bow out in third place amongst the ladies, which will be a very respectable showing for a contestant who had less than a minute’s worth of screen time going into the top 20.

2. Melissa – The naughty ballerina is on track to making top 4 and who would’ve thunk it? I don’t think she’ll win. Too many tweens in the voting public and to them she’s ancient and her style is one that doesn’t hold much cache. But her technique is just too good to go out much earlier than top 4. She’s proven to be a chameleon able to pick up most of the styles, if not with Janette’s facility. And she’s a great story. 29 is not old in the real world, but in the dance world, it’s practically ancient. To have her come top 4 would be quite a feel good tale for the season, darlings, and it would also set up Mini-Gene’s brother for his run in S6. Think like a Simon, noodles. Always two steps ahead.

1. Janette – She could become the second female winner of this show. Easily. This one is a firecracker. And I hate to toot my own horn, kittens, except for how that’s totally one of my favorite things to do. So let’s look back at what I said about one Miss Manrara in my top 20 preview post:

Janette Manrara – The stars are aligned for this firecracker. She’s sassy; she’s beautiful; and she can dance her ass off. And if, like me, you troll the interwebs looking for film of these kids, then you know, as I do darlings, that this girl is serious. She’s much more than just a salsa specialist. If Nigel pushes hard this year for a girl winner (which I expect him to do) then this girl rises to the top of my list to take it all. She seems like she has the whole package.

So it was written. So it shall be, kittens. We’ll see if I’m right starting next week.

SYTYCD S5 Finals EP9 It Takes Two to Make a Thing Go Right

Cat looked like a goddess rocking the 40’s glam look and that meant we were in for a good night, kittens. Or so I thought. But much like the 40’s which were a time of great highs (like Casablanca!) and great lows (like the actual World War that provided the source material for Casablanca), our show last night was the best of times and the worst of times. The good was ah-mazing: everything Brandon and Janette related; Caitlin finally sparkling as she should have done throughout the competition; Kayla and Kupono’s first routine; the continued emergence of Jeanine as secretly all kinds of awesome; Anya and Pasha choreography; and the long awaited return of Melanie! The bad was indescribable: everything Randi and Evan danced; Chbeeb finally losing the last bit of sparkle that clung to him; Kayla and Kupono’s second routine; the continued realization that Tasty sucks monkey balls; random ass folk dance choreography; and the much dreaded return of NappyTab. On balance, the good outweighed the bad for me, noodles, because we finally got some memorable routines that I want to see on tour. “Which ones?” you might ask. Well, let’s just see, shall we?

Ade and Melissa

Normally, I adore these two, but they were really just kind of there for me tonight, neither great nor terrible. I think they are obviously a lock for top 10, but I’ll be interested to see how they do once they are separated. I have a sneaking suspicion that Melissa might actually fare better than Ade. There is still an unfinished quality to his dancing, which was especially apparent in the Waltz, that puts him a notch below my top guy, Brandon, and could really show him up with a less seasoned partner.

Disco (Move On Up) - Kittens, I said to myself that if Ade and Melissa could conquer a Doriana disco, then they would really prove themselves to be a super couple a la Janette and Brandon. Well, mission somewhat accomplished? Clearly, Doriana used up all of her halfway decent stuff (for she has no good stuff) on B&J, because this routine was out and out crap. I mean, they looked like they were doing aerobics there at the beginning, no? Usually Ade is so smooth with the lifts, but here, ugh. I don’t know if it was just the usual Doriana trick overload (recall how Danny struggled with his lifts in his disco with Lauren) because clearly Melissa knows how to hold her own weight and help her partner. But some of those lifts, darlings, it looked like Ade was hauling cement. And Melissa was so stiff. That routine looked like a parody of disco. In trying to not look cheesy, Melissa and Ade came off looking terribly cheesy. In order to do disco well, you must embrace the cheese. Become one with the cheese. They barely let the cheese get to first base. And then, of course, Melissa fell out of that final pose. Too sad. Nigel lied from the jump, as is his custom with couples he likes. They weren’t awful but they were far from good. Mary couldn’t really see because she was so high her eyes were closed into small slits. As for Tasty, well . . .“It’s not just store bought?” What does that even mean? Tasty is such a bad judge. Awful.

Waltz (You Make Me Feel Like a Natural Woman) – What a shock to see Ron Montez, kiddies. He hasn’t choreo’d since S1 maybe? These two are always pleasant to watch. And Melissa is lovely; her lines are always so impeccable; her position in that overhead lift and the center on that girl! Heavenly. Ade had a nice moment with the triple turn into the battement. But I had to agree with Mary that Ade lacked a little rise and fall and he could’ve been smoother across the floor. And she called Nigel an English Muffin. Ha! Overall, these two were something more dangerous than bad. They were forgettable. I like both of them immensely, so here’s hoping that getting new partners next week will put a little life back in them.

Kayla and Kupono

Now that I’ve accepted that Kupono is no Mark, I can groove on him without all of the expectations that I had been harboring, which is nice because I do greatly enjoy this Hawaii boy, drama over his druggie family aside. Kayla, on the other hand, is losing charm by the buckets. Technically, you can’t touch her. She’s a gorgeous creature out there on that floor. But she’s missing something, a quality that makes her real in the dance. As much as I hate Mia’s crunchy, Earth Mother speak, I’m going to have to go ahead and say that there is something almost inorganic about Kayla's dancing. She’s like paint by numbers. All of the stuff is there, but she’s lacking inspiration, magic, that intangible quality that makes a true artist. She doesn’t sparkle, and it’s a shame because she has talent to burn. She’s already flamed out with Maks, and Kupono, who has that organic quality in spades, couldn’t save her either. I once thought this little one could be a contender, noodles, but now I’ll be shocked if she reaches top 6 even.

Contemporary (Gravity) – Obviously, Nigel and Co. disagree with me about Kayla as they got Mia and she got a dance smack dab in her wheelhouse for the millionth time in a row. Just, wow. They are really trying to prop this couple up. That said, the dance was pretty. So, so pretty. Both of them showed an excellent quality of movement. Just look at those body rolls at the top of the piece. And that throw. . . uh, gorgeous. Those synchronized leaps? The same ones that Asuka and Vitolio tried to pull off but couldn’t? Gorgeous. Kupono was quite good here. I’m a cynical bitch, as we all know, and I did roll my eyes during his confessional, but I must admit that he was connected and present in that dance in a way that was powerful and lovely to see. Kayla, I wanted more from, as we’ve discussed. Unlike Nigel, I don’t think the hair has anything to do with it. She’s just kind of . . . plastic.

Broadway (The Dance at the Gym) – I want to like this Joey girl and at the very least she did give us a break from Faux!Fosse with some faux Jerome Robbins. I just am finding that Broadway isn’t working for me this year. And truth be told, it normally doesn’t work for me on this show. There have been a few exceptions (and those have mostly been group routines) but I’d put this genre barely above hip hop in terms of the success rate on SYTYCD. This routine was fun and as usual with these two, they showed some solid technique. Nice double turns on both of them. Pretty, clean lines. But just as with Randi and Evan last week, they need to give more. More character work, more expression, more everything. They needed to dance bigger. What did we learn last week, kiddies? Broadway dancing is all about over exaggeration and playing to the cheap seats. What Kayla and Kupono did was lovely and way too restrained to work in this type of piece.

Caitlin and Jason

Finally, finally this week Caitlin worked for me in a partner dance. The technique has always been there, no? But in that Foxtrot, she not only got the steps, but she also got the character, owning that gown and that hair and all that elegance and charm and she gave me the charisma and the shiny that I’ve seen in her better B3 solos. At this point, Randi’s my clear bottom girl, but I think I might like to see Caitlin outlast Kayla, and I definitely wouldn’t have said that last week. As for Jason, well, kittens, one can’t have everything, can one? I will say that in their Mandy Moore piece, shirtless Jason did make an impression. I concede. The fool is pretty. But he’s not special. And he’ll go soon, of that I’ve no doubt.

Foxtrot (Minnie the Moocher) – Melanie is back. Yes, yes, yes! I knew to expect great things from these two as soon as I saw her on screen. And I’ll be darned if that routine didn’t have the dash and sizzle that has been missing from some of Tony’s work this season. And an appropriate music choice. Thank you, Ms. LaPatin. These two got off to a good start right out of the gate. They absolutely looked the part. Caitlin has never looked better. And they used the good work of the crack hos in wardrobe (What? That’s right, shout out to the hos. They had a very good night last night. I must give credit where it’s due) to really get into character. They pulled off a lovely lift into a death drop, and while I might have wanted a little more rise and fall in the dance and I found them slow in parts and the last lift was a little bit tentative, overall that routine was so much fun. Throughout, these two were just oozing style, darlings. Tasty continued to be an ass on the panel here, and in other shocking news, the sky continued to be blue.

Lyrical Jazz (Show Me Heaven) – Good Mandy showed up and the crack hos had the bright idea to get this fool shirtless and look what happened! Caitlin’s beautiful lines shown through. Jason, in addition to being a fine hunk of man candy, was exquisite, light where he needed to be and powerful when it counted. And despite Nigel trying to pile on with his day late and a dollar short criticism of this pair’s connection, I felt that was the most chemistry that they have ever had. I expect these two to survive this week – I mean if BFree’s alien nightmare didn’t sink them, then these two really solid pieces won’t do the trick, and I’m anxious to see them break up. I’ve wanted Caitlin away from Jason forever, and now that she’s starting to find her sparkle, I’ll be interested to see if she can keep it going two weeks in a row. And who knows, darling? Jason just might show me something and justify the good things that Shankdaddy has been saying about him all along. Stranger things have happened.

Jeanine and Phillip

I don’t even want to deal with these two. Jeanine is made of win. She turned it out, upside down, and back around again and I’m sorry that it took me so long to figure out that she was totally carrying the Chbeeb on her back throughout the entire early rounds of this competition. She’s the person that I’m most happy about being released from her partnership and I think she’s a total sleeper to go all the way. The Chbeeb is bad at everything but hip hop. It has been ever thus. Let’s just chalk this entire year up to the long dark night of the hip hop soul, shall we kittens? Play a couple of DVRed episodes of ABDC and S1-3 hip hop from SYTYCD and try to pretend like it never happened.

Russian Folk Dance (Some Russian Folk Song) – Let’s all just remember that despite Unca Nigel’s revisionist history, the Joshua/Twitch Russian dance was a steaming pile of crap. As I said in my finale recap last year, they looked like two little kids having a dance battle in their driveway. So why the producers chose to bring this particular style of dance back is a mystery to me. Of course, Jeanine and Phillip looked like little kids. This is not a style that is ever going to work on this show. All the above being true, is it any wonder that the dance was garbage? Chbeeb’s lines were atrocious. He has no core strength to speak of, so every time he squatted down to do those Russian kicks, it looked like he was about to take a dump. And he partnered Jeanine poorly, which she was able to overcome because she is fabulous. I just don’t understand this whole exercise. Why would they put this on the show?

Jive (Stuff Like That There) – I was confused by the machinations of Simon Fuller here. With the Russian thing and then jive, it seemed clear that they were giving this couple the poison cocktail in order to get rid of Philip before top 10. And yet, I can’t imagine they want a touring company with no hip hop specialists, unless they are planning not to do any hip hop routines on tour this year, which could absolutely be a possibility as all of the hip hop this season has both sucked and blown, no? At least they got Tony and Melanie. I had no faith that Philip could do the jive, and I was vindicated in my belief. Jeanine was really good and she pulled focus from the Chbeeb which was a fucking blessing because he was so very, very not good. And . . . he almost fell. While doing the slowest jive I’ve ever seen. With the least amount of actual jive. Jeanine was cute as a button, and it clearly was the best that the Chbeeb has ever done out of his own style. And he was still really bad. It appears, darlings, that he will ride into the top 10 on Jeanine’s back nonetheless. And more’s the pity for his poor partners.

Randi And Evan

These two had an utterly horrible night and it’s a shame that they had their worst week of the entire competition the week before top 10 because I’m afraid that it’s going to cost at least Evan his spot on tour. And Randi could very well fall with him. They pulled styles that don’t suit them at all and in NappyTab, they got choreographers who do no favors for their dancers, having choreographed three great routines on the show (No Air/Bleeding Love/Party People) two of which I can now no longer watch without ruminating on how important it was that those routines were danced by the exact couples who danced them because they could so easily have turned into the typical, overly literal dreck that NappyTab normally cranks out. I’m worried for Evan most of all. Fat face, I could lose, especially as the unitards have made a triumphant comeback.

Hip Hop (Halo) – I’m sorry, noodles. Did NappyTab just say, with straight faces, that Randi is supposed to be portraying an unwed, pregnant hip hopper? And did Nappy just announce proudly that they had choreographed a move for every syllable in the song? Well, fuck. Of course they did. Of course they had. And they chose to have them dance to Halo and they choreographed Evan making a big halo with his arms while Randi stepped through it with attendant pointing to her heart and up to the heavens. Again, I say, fuck. They looked like cheerleaders. I thought maybe they were competing at the UDA Dance Championships at the Milk House at Walt Disney World, Florida. I don’t even know what that was, kittens, other than crap ass choreography. It certainly wasn’t hip hop. That was like anti-hip hop. They were both bad and deserved relevant criticism from the judges. Too bad they didn’t get it. And while I think Evan lacked just about everything in that piece, the de-pimping with him is out of control. His fan base must be enormous. Nigel is afeared!

Samba (Did not Catch the Song) - That samba just made me mad, noodles, because the choreography was on point and I really, really wanted to see two much better ballroom dancers do it, like say Pasha and Anya themselves. I know the judges are trying to pump the girls up, but seriously here neither Randi nor Evan turned it out. Both of them were disappointing, and Randi should’ve been called on it. Instead, Mary put her on the damn train. Perhaps if she were laying tied across the tracks like Nell in those Dudley DoRight cartoons? Eh, by rights, Randi should definitely go home tonight. Evan should outlast the Chbeeb, but I don’t think he will. Without Randi, there’s no girl left short enough for him to partner effectively. I think that’s a premier reason why, at the end of the day, the show is willing to roll the dice with Phillip in the top 10 and on tour, even though Evan is a stronger dancer.

Janette and Brandon

Save the best for last, right? I will admit up front that I did not write down the song for either of the two routines this couple danced because I couldn’t even take my eyes of the screen for a second. I was captivated. My stars and garters, kiddies, these two are head and shoulders above the pack! They have consistently turned it out week after week after week. And while I’ll be sad to see their partnership broken up, I don’t worry for them at all. I called top 4 for these two last week and nothing that they served up on performance show night makes me question that call even a whit.

Tango – I love that they had the guests from the show a few weeks ago, Leonardo and Miriam, come back as choreographers. They set an incredible piece on these kids. It had to be hands down the most technically demanding tango I have ever seen on this show. And with all of that, these two straight up delivered. Janette looked like a total sex bomb. Her legs were like whoa! And some of the moves they did were astounding. How did they learn to do all that in three hours? How did he flip her around between his legs like that? How did they get those ganchos so clean, so tight? When she whipped her legs around in the air in that assisted lift? Where did she learn how to do that? For a minute there, I thought I was watching Forever Tango, kittens. These two are seriously no joke. I was blown away. Blown away. Best tango ever on this show. And then Tasty had to come on and spout some nonsense about squeezing orange juice. Orange Juice? Really? WTF, Tasty? I think he’s had brain damage.

Jazz – As soon as I heard Cat say they got a Wade jazz routine, I knew that they would kill it. And they did. Wade is some kind of crazy genius. And sure, it wasn’t the best, most original piece that he’s ever choreographed for the show (I definitely saw some recycled steps from both Rama Lama and the Angel/Devil dance he set on the Hunchback and Mischa Chan), but it was quirky, slinky fun. That swivel-y walk forward with hips thrust out, kind of Fosse-esque? Genius. Wade said he was going for a cartoon feel and I definitely got a Spy vs. Spy vibe. And of course, Janette and Brandon were practically flawless. They got the character of the dance. They had the technique. They both have star quality. If one of them doesn’t walk away with the title this year, I’ll be surprised.

Bottom Three

Once again this week, I feel that only Janette and Brandon are 100% safe. Randi and Evan will definitely hit B3, and deservedly so. With that Russian mess they served up, Chbeeb and Jeanine are probably the second couple most likely to, but they may get the sympathy vote for the producers foisting such a horrible style on them and their second routine was not awful thanks almost entirely to Jeanine being fierce. I can see an argument for Kayla and Kupono in B3 because their second dance was not very strong and Kayla is just unlikeable. Jason and Caitlin should probably be safe this week, but their routines were not “best of the night" memorable and they are up against a power couple, in Melissa and Ade, who had a decent night. So if I were a betting woman, kittens, I’d lay my money on Randi/Evan, Kayla/Kupono, and Jason/Caitlin, although Chbeeb/Jeanine stand an outside chance of taking the place of one of the last two couples.

Going Home

If the B3 were as it should be, I’d send Chbeeb and Randi packing. As I doubt Chbeeb will hit B3, and even if he does, I doubt the judges will let him go having built up the narrative of “Phillip has his best, most grow-y week outside his specialty ever,” I’m anticipating losing the Liliputians this evening as Randi and Evan exit, stage right.

SYTYCD S5 Finals Ep8 Same As It Ever Was

So, no surprises. America did not find a way to foil the producer’s nefarious plans to drop Karla and Vitolio like bad habits. Kittens, it’s a sad day when the invited special guest performers are a million times more entertaining than the kids who are starring on this show. But kudos to Simon Fuller and Co. for landing Desmond Richardson and Patricia Hachey and the original American Idol and eternal keeper of the EEEEeeeeeee Miss Kelly Clarkson. Righteous! And they did not disappoint, right? That pas de deux was mesmerizing and the gran plies in second (and en pointe in the case of Ms. Hachey)? What? That was beyond ridiculous. Miss Clarkson? Forget about it. She is more adorable than a box of kittens. And I love the little shimmy shake on the “I don’t come cheap” line. So, so cute. And she consistently resists attempts by the industry (read: the undead husk of Clive Davis) to become a skinny bobble head.

Other thoughts on the show? Well, darlings, Cat Deeley’s decision to forego the ministrations of the crack hos in wardrobe and the trannys in hair and make up has in general paid off in spades, but last night was something of a misstep. Her hair looked like she’d just had some great sex on the couch in her dressing room which is great for her but sad for the hair. As for the dress, well in addition to the fact that it was made from the Studio 57 disco ball, I feared that we were about to learn more about Cat Deeley’s hooha than we ever needed to know. But everyone has their off days, and her batting average is still so far above the crack hos that they can’t even count that high.

As for the B3, well, I was disappointed by not surprised, kiddies. They set out to get Karla and Vitolio and they got them. I have to sadly admit that Kupono is not Mark 2.0 and Kayla is not Chelsea. I have been trying to fall in love with the Hawaii boy and the girl with the lovely feet, but it’s just not the same. Kayla’s bitch baby routine each time she hits B3 is not cute and it certainly doesn’t help that her solos make her out to be the kind of hair flinging nightmare I originally feared upon first catching a glimpse of her in the audition rounds. And I know six year olds who have better chenais turns than Kupono, kittens. Tragic. At least the Chbeeb and Jeanine hit B3. Their solos were made of win, especially Jeanine who displayed flawless technique and center from heaven. I have been so not knowing about that one. And while the Chbeeb’s solo was fantastic, he can still only do hip hop well. If he does make top 10, he will be a drag on his partners. Trust. I foresee many, many work arounds for the choreographers until he goes home. The Twitch/Katee door routine times a million.

The primary saving grace of last night’s show was that I got to see it live and in person from CBS Television City, what? That’s right, noodles! Your loyal blogger was in the house. And not only did I see the results show, they also did some pre-taping for the 100th episode special which I will write about anon, so if you don’t like spoilers, then please don’t read my next post. But you know you want to read it because it is going to be awesome. It’s a Katie Holmes free zone, I promise.

SYTYCD S5 Finals Ep7 No Vaseline

Kittens, if you are familiar with the Ice Cube oeuvre, then you know what I’m talking about. Or if you’ve ever seen an episode of OZ. Tremendous amounts of bullshit were strewn on that dance floor last night, no? Let’s start off by acknowledging that the dancing was good to excellent last night with none of the couples really having a miss. And normally, I care not one whit for the backstage machinations of Simon Fuller and Co. because we all are aware that this “reality” competition is about as real as Mary’s weave. But, darlings, come on. Last night strained all credibility and exposed the producer’s agenda so blatantly that the disrespect burned. If they really wanted Karla and Vitolio gone that badly, noodles, they should’ve just kicked two couples off last week and given us this week as a free performance by your top 12, no? All that said, BFree and his magnificent weirdness may foil Unca Nigel’s plans and get Caitlin and Jason sent home instead and that’s just one more reason to love the awesomeness that is Brian Friedman. But let’s get down to the grimy business of last night’s show, shall we?


Light ‘Em Up, Burn ‘Em Up, Flame On

Janette and Brandon/Cha Cha (Hush, Hush; Hush, Hush) – These two have not missed a step and they were “Oh my stars and garters!” amazing once again last night. Keeping with last night’s theme of fucking over Karla and Vitolio, the dance was style adjacent for Janette, but mercy did she bring it darlings! All of her steps were so down into the floor and the snap in those legs? Fire. And Brandon is a superstar. On occasion, he had the stiff arm, pinky of terror pose going when he was turning Janette, but other than that I was floored by how well he picked up that ballroom technique. As Mary pointed out, his feet were gorgeous in that number, good hip action, excellent carriage. And Jean Marc and Franz did not hold back in that piece. There was some tough stuff in there. I’d put money on these two getting to top 4. Now give them either a contemporary piece or a real salsa. I know someone in LA besides Alex da Silva is available and knows how to choreograph a salsa. Hell, I bet Janette could probably do it herself.

This is where I will take a break to state that I will not be recapping Mia. She had some good points during last night’s judging and gave some helpful notes to the dancers, but heavens I have never seen someone who needs to get over herself more. The show is not about her, or any of the other choreographers for that matter, it’s about the dancers. She is reaching Judge #4 levels for me. I really do not want her on panel again.

Kayla and Kupono/Contemporary (Eyes on Fire) – Sigh. I loved this piece. I love the two of them with Sonya. They both showed amazing body control here. The lifts were lovely. Darlings, you know how much I love Kayla’s feet, but Kupono displayed some fantastic feet of his own. And leaps with nice amplitude. And More flexibility than I knew he had. He rocked it. I thought they were exquisite. So why the sigh? Can you say unfair advantage, noodles? And these two don’t even need it. They are wonderful dancers. Challenge them to get out of their comfort zone. Kayla needs to do some hip hop right the hell now and Kupono needs to show that he can master it. They need to do a ballroom dance, smooth or Latin, that is not just a contemporary piece in disguise. They are a lock for top 10, especially Kayla, but if they go any farther, I want them to earn it.

Karla and Vitolio/Quickstep (Putting on the Ritz) – Jean Marc and Franz have put together some really great numbers for the show this year and I am loving that they are giving Franz equal billing because hello? Homegirl is fierce. So I adored this routine. The concept was great; there was a decent amount of actual Quickstep; the choreography called for the dancers to spend a good amount of time in closed hold. And best of all, of course, Karla and Vitolio put their foot in this dance and offered up a big old “Fuck you” to Nigel. Both of them held their frames quite nicely even in closed hold, which so rarely happens with couples where neither partner has a ballroom background. And the side by side dancing was so, so pretty. Vitolio got the character of the dance more than Karla, but she definitely held her own. What a fun piece! I can see why it got the pimp slot. Now it’s up to y’all to do the right thing, kiddies. We’ll see if you did soon enough.

Now Let’s Play Big Bank Take Little Bank

Melissa and Ade/Pas de Deux (Romeo and Juliet) – Kittens, raise your hand if you find it even the least bit plausible that Melissa has never danced this piece before in her 29 years of ballerina-dom? Nobody? OK, then. Look, she was lovely. She had a light, airy quality. She brought the innocence and joy necessary to the piece. Her pointe work was exquisite. But really? And isn’t she from LA? Do we really believe that she is not familiar with Thordal Christensen, the artistic director of the LA City Ballet? Hmmmm. I think I’ll pass on the Kool Aid, Mr. Jones. Ade gave it the old college try and for a non-balletomane, he did a good job, but some of those lifts were labored and he got tangled up in his feet quite a bit. It was lovely and rigged and Melissa outshone Ade in every way possible.

Jeanine and Phillip/Hip Hop (Love Lockdown) – NappyTab for this couple again. How utterly unexpected. And they’re in their literal vein (Do they have another one?) and we know how much mama loves that about them, don’t we? It was a clever routine. Everyone raves about NappyTab’s smooth hip hop but I actually think that some of their harder hitting stuff is more successful when the dancers can handle it, think Mark and Comfort’s NappyTab routine to Party People. And Phillip and Jeanine definitely hit it. The chain was overly literal and not necessary because the choreography was strong enough to stand on its own. Shame that NappyTab are not confident enough in their work to forego the gimmicks. And Jeanine outdanced Chbeeb again. Some more. And this time in his own style. Darlings, I’m so over the Chbeeb. I really, really want for him to go home before top 10 because he’s just a limited dancer. Obviously Simon and Unca Nigel have other plans.

Ya Done Run 100 Miles, But You Still Got One to Go

Randi and Evan/Broadway (Rich Man’s Frug) – I’ve lost my ability to be outraged at the blatant rigging, so now let’s be outraged about something else. Down with the faux Fosse! Joey Dowling does it better than Tasty Oreo, but that’s very faint praise. SYTYCD, let me introduce you to Jerome Robbins, Gower Champion, Robert Alton, Agnes De Mille, Jack Cole, and we could go on. I mean, it’s so predictable, so cliché at this point to see Fosse, Fosse, Fosse all over that stage. As for the dance, I wanted more from these two. Neither of them seemed to have a clue what Sweet Charity is actually about, which is a fault again of the choreographer, and since they didn’t get the show, they couldn’t give the character work that they needed to make the number sing. And they both needed to dance so much bigger. Broadway is all about over-exaggeration and playing to the back of the house and these two would’ve barely made it to the orchestra rows. It was cute, and as I’ve said so many times before, Fosse should never be cute. But I enjoy these two in general, and Fat Face, despite her unfortunate return to the unitard this week, has grown on me tremendously. I think they should both hit B3 this week, but neither should be in any danger of going home.

You Could Yell All Day But You Don’t Come Close

Caitlin and Jason/Pop Jazz (Creator) – That was a great routine with a killer song. Unfortunately, these two just do not work at all as a couple. Taken individually, each one of them danced this piece well. They both have solid technique. Caitlin gave good lines. Jason was super clean and displayed some real power and lift in his jumps and had lovely lines himself. The choreography had a lot of intricate hand motions, for Caitlin especially, which they both mastered pretty well. But I felt no connection between them. Caitlin as a menacing alien on the make? Yeah, she was about as menacing as a basket of kittens. Jason scared for his life and finally impregnated? Umm, he looked like he needed some Gas-X, noodles. They might have thought they were committing, but to what? Certainly not to each other. Both of them played to the audience way more than to their partner. I’m tired of these two. Jason never sat well with me and while I still think Caitlin sparkles on her own (her intro dance was a joy), she just hasn’t gelled on this show. I wish she’d had a different partner, but she didn’t, and they’ve turned in a couple of lackluster performances in a row, so it’s time for them to go home now.

On a Permanent Vacation

I can’t see how Caitlin and Jason avoid B3 this week. They should be joined by Evan and Randi and Phillip and Jeanine, not because the latter were bad, but they just weren’t up to the standard of the other couples who were excellent at shit that they should have been excellent in. Ahem. Darlings, the show is trying so hard to ensure that Vitolio and Karla leave tonight, that I’ll be quite pleased if anyone but those two goes home. I’m gonna go ahead and put it on Caitlin and Jason, and I think it’s earned for the extreme lack of sparkage. I still feel dirty from the foulness of this whole sorry affair, noodles. Thanks goodness we have the original EEEeeeeeeee! Ms. Kelly Clarkson to look forward to as a palate cleanser.