Dear President Obama,
Get off my damn TV on Idol night.
Kisses,
Your Loyal Blogger
Kittens, I'm tired and cranky and because of Barack I missed Idol at its regularly scheduled time and have had to scheme and scrape and Youtube scrounge to see the kiddie's performances. They horror, noodles! The horror! And all that to watch a show that wasn't even half as good as it would've been if the Idols had taken my advice as they should have. I mean, imagine if all of them had been as smart as the lovely and talented Kris Allen and sung the songs I told them, too. Wouldn't it be lovely? Enough to make me forget that Paula was wearing a tutu. And with all that tulle to hand, that she failed to stuff Judge #4's mouth up. Enough to make me forget that Simon drew a moustache on P-Dawg. That shit was funny, y'all, but it totally distracted from what should've been even more major props for the way Manic Panic laid it down on Papa Was a Rollin' Stone. (And she's the only one who gets a pass tonight for ignoring my wishes) Enough to make the steaming hot pile of crap that Tattoo Sleeve, White Stevie Wonder and, yes, He-Man Oilman shat out on the stage. Well, there's not enough lovely in the world for that, kiddies, but it would've been a helluva a lot better than what they came up with on their own. Another Motown Night crashed upon the shoals.
Safe Harbor
Allison Iraheta/Papa Was a Rollin' Stone - Manic Panic needs to work on her enunciation a skoosh. And there were some missed words here and there, but darlings? She blew it out of the box. She finally justified the pimp slot. Third time's the charm I guess. It's about damn time the show realizes what a good thing they've got. She was bluesy, growly, soul/funk fierce! This girl has such an old soul vibe. It took the wardrobe crack whores finally putting her in a WTF-fit to finally, finally put her over the top, huh? She can dress like a teenage prostitute/scarecrow for the rest of the season if it guarantees her bringing it like that all the way to the finale.
Adam Lambert/Tears of a Clown - Can something that understated be labeled over the top? In Adam's case, yeah, I think so. Kittens, this kid is always doing the final number in the Broadway show in his mind. And I frikkin' love it. The vocals were, perhaps, not quite as pristine as in week's past. It's hard to stay that long in false and not slip some. And the look was perplexing until you realize that he was doing a total put on . . . it was performance art again. The child is a chameleon and he is always always fucking with you/trying to fuck you. Take your pick. He blew my mind. Broken down doll Elvis, what?
Kris Allen/How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved By You) - I wanted him to sing it. He sang it. He rocked it with that white boy soul thing I knew he could bring. Listen to your Auntie Blogger, kiddies. She's seldom wrong. Still lovin' on this kid.
Any Port in the Storm
Lil Rounds/Heatwave - This song has been many a better singer's Waterloo on this competition. Kim and J. Hud both tried and failed. This is a dancing song, a party song. This is the song that everyone can sing reasonably well on karaoke night. This is also a stealth singer's song. It's incredibly difficult to sing, but it fools you with the deceptively simple melody. Lil didn't do terribly with it. I actually thought she did better with it than J. Hud did in her attempt, for example. But this song did not allow her to show what she's got. As I noted, she really needed a home run here and she basically hit a ground rule double. (I heard that once in like Major League but I have no idea what it means) I think she's in trouble, probably not this week because, you know, Megan, but she's already out of the running towards becoming the next American Idol. Loved the dress. Hated the hair. Wardrobe crack whores - 1. Tranny make up artists - 0.
Anoop Desai/Oooh, Baby, Baby - He sounded fine and I had forgotten what he sang by the time the show ended. He's still as fine as candy, but let's recall industry rule #4080. Be bad, be good, but don't be boring. He should skate this week, but he needs to turn it way up to make top 5.
Man Overboard
Matt Giraud/Let's Get It On - Automatic fail if your name is not Marvin Gaye. Cheese factory and he sounded kind of like fried ass for about half the song. Dropping like a rock is this one, noodles. He's bringing smarmy back. And nobody even wanted it. And is the growth on his face getting bigger? It's not just me, is it? OK. Just checking.
Danny Gokey/Get Ready - Frikkin' Gokey and his Lenscrafter ass. You do NOT diss Smokey. That man has crapped more great music than you have tired spectacle frames, fool. You bow down. You listen and you learn. Or else, you decide to say "Fuck that noise" and wind up looking like an idiot on national television, much as Gokey did tonight. And he sounded bad, too, kittens. For the first time, the golden voice was scratchy, screechy and flat in spots. His heinous personality is rubbing off on that beautiful instrument of his. At least the judges are beginning to pick up on the fact that this tool is too hated to actually win this show. I suspect the bell has already tolled for the Dead Wife pimper. I bet she'll make an appearance any day now. Along with the pierce faced friend. And then I will throw a bible through my TV and pray that the Lord delivers me another one in time for next week's show.
White Stevie Wonder/You Can't Hurry Love - What other way can I say Crystal Ballroom champagne brunch singer? And amazingly, he escaped being the worst of the week once again. This season is trying to break me. Between White Stevie, Tattoo Sleeve, Gokey, Judge #4, Randy losing the last vestiges of his mind . . . killing me softly. He was out of tune the whole song. Again. Some more. He's a piano player. You'd think that he could at least be in the same neighborhood as the notes he's supposed to be singing. And when a blind man doesn't do worse in dressing himself than your wardrobe monkeys on a day-to-day basis? Yeah, it's time to get a new wardrobe staff.
Michael Sarver/Ain't Too Proud to Beg - This is the part where I started crying. It was a joke, darlings. I swear! I never thought someone would actually be cheesy enough to sing it. Y'all, He-Man Oilman totally had the wool pulled over my eyes. I was blind, but now I see. This fool can't sing. Well, he can't really sing. He's that guy you hear in the employee lounge belting it out to his ipod and everybody says, "Boy, that Mike sure can sing." And then Mike turns it out at the office karaoke night and everyone thinks he coulda been a contender. But the truth is he doesn't have a great voice. He just has a great voice compared to the rest of your non-singing friends. Yeah, that's Michael Sarver in a nutshell. And to top it all of, he's developed an attitude. Bye bye, He-Man Oilman. Back to the rig for you.
Megan Corkery/For Once In My Life - So I have to give her one one hundreth of a point for singing an actual song this week. And of course, in doing so, she's proven why she previously had only ever sung non-song songs. Because she can't sing, y'all. Damn. It's so, so serious. That sucked tremendous amounts of ass. I can't even begin to describe it. Frikkin' tattoo sleeve. Kittens, she must go. Must go. It's a joke. So. Much. Hate.
If it's not Tattoo Sleeve or Sarver receiving their send off from Ryan while Carrie tries to sing Home Sweet Home tomorrow night, I'll be shocked. Personally, I could lose everyone except for Adam, Allison, Kris and Anoop.
Can we retire Motown Week? Put it out there in the pasture right beside "Gloria Estefan" Week and "I'll Take Songs Gwen Stefani Might Like for $200, Alex" Week? Because that would, indeed, be lovely.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
American Idol S8 Finals Extra Can't Help Myself
So sue me, kittens. I'm excited for tonight's AI. I know, I know. Motown Week inevitably descends into a pile of crap as contestant after contestant breaks out a moldy rendition of Ain't Too Proud to Beg and we all try to crawl under the sofa cushions. But, darlings, Motown Week doesn't have to be about thrice warmed over oldies from the Carnival Cruise Ship songbook. Motown Week could be awesome if the kids would just stretch a little (and Simon Fuller would spend some of his ill gotten gains clearing actual good songs).
Imagine with me, if you will.
Anoop Desai – Wouldn't it be great if Anoop chose a completely out of left field take on this week’s theme? He could do Motown Philly. That would rock. Well, he'd probably take it to the cheesy place. No, better not chance it. What about As? You know the George Michael/Mary J. remake version. If he hit that like I know he could, I'd smell Top 5 possibilities.
Allison Iraheta – Manic Panic should take Paula’s advice and slow it down this week, but not with some sappy Supremes song. I think she could do a smashing job by doing a gender flipped version of You Really Got a Hold on Me. She’s got the grit in her voice to really make it fly.
Lil Rounds – Don’t Leave Me This Way. Yes, noodles, it’s a Motown song. Trust. And sure, she could save it for disco week, but why? Lil needs a powerhouse performance to ward off falling to the middle of the pack and getting Latoya’ed and it needs to be something unexpected. This song packs a wallop like few others and Lil could absolutely tear into the killer chorus. If she doesn’t want to go up tempo, then she should sink her teeth into something like If I Were Your Woman. Love that song and I think she just might do it justice.
Matt G. – No one should ever sing Stevie Wonder on this show or any other show except Stevie Wonder. D’archie and the Jonas Brothers have confirmed this truism just within the last year. Having said that, I would really like to see Matt G. tackle Living for the City or maybe Sir Duke. Perhaps a little I Wish. I want him to either prove his mettle once and for all or go down in flames and let me fully hop back on the hate wagon.
Kris Allen – So, I’ve been giggling at the thought of Kris singing Superfreak for days now, but honestly, I don’t want to do that to the boy now that I’m finally realizing that he has a heckuva good voice. So kittens, I think a mid-tempo groove would suit him well. If he must go the Temptations/Four Tops route, then I think he should pick something less expected . . . Same Old Song, maybe, or I Wish It Would Rain. Although, his voice may be a little light for that last one, no? I would love for him to really bust out something funky, though. I think he’d do a fantastic take on How Sweet It Is (to Be Loved by You), sort of a James Taylor white boy soul thing by way of Marvin Gaye.
Adam Lambert – Anything that he does will be awesome and Adam-ified. I have a crazy, nightmare vision of him doing Smiling Faces. And it’s amaaaaazzzziiinnnggg.
And that does it for all the people I’m actually interested in hearing. The other four can pretty much sing whatever comes on them because I’m already going to hate it.
Danny Gokey – Will surely choose something totally cheesy that will allow him to scare me to death with more crotch action. As y’all know, I’m over him and his dead wife and his smug cheesiness. Sadly, he’s likely to turn it out this week because Motown songs are practically tailor made for a voice like his. (Which, by the way, is why I think White Stevie Wonder may finally, finally go home this week. So there's one reason to be optimistic, noodles) So what would I like to hear him sing? Actually, I’d love to hear him wrap that silky voice around the Commodores' Easy. Great song. Great groove. I bet he’d destroy it. He’d never pick it though, so I feel sure that I’ll be able to go on hating him with impunity. I will not be seduced by the voice. I will not be seduced by the voice. I will not be seduced by the voice. Woo-sa.
Michael Sarver – I think he actually has a good chance to do well this week and make me remember why I liked him in the first place. He has that soul edge to his voice. I’d love to hear him sing If This World Were Mine. He could dedicate it to his wife. That should keep the sap police happy. If he sings like he did in the early audition rounds, he could do very, very well with that.
Megan Corkery – Will surely sing some shit like Why Do Fool’s Fall in Love in her never ending attempt to sing non-song songs throughout this entire competition. That or she’ll try to sing God Bless the Child or Good Morning Heartache in her fake ass pale imitation of Lady Day under the guise that they were on the Lady Sings the Blues soundtrack. And then I will sneak into the contestants' mansion in the dead of night and I will murder her in her sleep, kiddies. I hate her. I’m done with her. Maybe the influenza B will have done her in by this evening.
White Stevie Wonder – He never did quite earn the privilege of my learning his real name, noodles, and hopefully after tonight he’ll be gone. So you know he really doesn’t deserve a song prediction. Although, if he sings Stevie I just might have to admit that he’s a little bit awesome. I could actually see him attempting Overjoyed or Ribbon in the Sky. Attempting and failing, but giving it that old Special Olympics try.
Get excited, kittens. I know I'll be imagining this line up in my head while the kids caterwaul their way through the five songs that managed to clear in time to make the show.
Imagine with me, if you will.
Anoop Desai – Wouldn't it be great if Anoop chose a completely out of left field take on this week’s theme? He could do Motown Philly. That would rock. Well, he'd probably take it to the cheesy place. No, better not chance it. What about As? You know the George Michael/Mary J. remake version. If he hit that like I know he could, I'd smell Top 5 possibilities.
Allison Iraheta – Manic Panic should take Paula’s advice and slow it down this week, but not with some sappy Supremes song. I think she could do a smashing job by doing a gender flipped version of You Really Got a Hold on Me. She’s got the grit in her voice to really make it fly.
Lil Rounds – Don’t Leave Me This Way. Yes, noodles, it’s a Motown song. Trust. And sure, she could save it for disco week, but why? Lil needs a powerhouse performance to ward off falling to the middle of the pack and getting Latoya’ed and it needs to be something unexpected. This song packs a wallop like few others and Lil could absolutely tear into the killer chorus. If she doesn’t want to go up tempo, then she should sink her teeth into something like If I Were Your Woman. Love that song and I think she just might do it justice.
Matt G. – No one should ever sing Stevie Wonder on this show or any other show except Stevie Wonder. D’archie and the Jonas Brothers have confirmed this truism just within the last year. Having said that, I would really like to see Matt G. tackle Living for the City or maybe Sir Duke. Perhaps a little I Wish. I want him to either prove his mettle once and for all or go down in flames and let me fully hop back on the hate wagon.
Kris Allen – So, I’ve been giggling at the thought of Kris singing Superfreak for days now, but honestly, I don’t want to do that to the boy now that I’m finally realizing that he has a heckuva good voice. So kittens, I think a mid-tempo groove would suit him well. If he must go the Temptations/Four Tops route, then I think he should pick something less expected . . . Same Old Song, maybe, or I Wish It Would Rain. Although, his voice may be a little light for that last one, no? I would love for him to really bust out something funky, though. I think he’d do a fantastic take on How Sweet It Is (to Be Loved by You), sort of a James Taylor white boy soul thing by way of Marvin Gaye.
Adam Lambert – Anything that he does will be awesome and Adam-ified. I have a crazy, nightmare vision of him doing Smiling Faces. And it’s amaaaaazzzziiinnnggg.
And that does it for all the people I’m actually interested in hearing. The other four can pretty much sing whatever comes on them because I’m already going to hate it.
Danny Gokey – Will surely choose something totally cheesy that will allow him to scare me to death with more crotch action. As y’all know, I’m over him and his dead wife and his smug cheesiness. Sadly, he’s likely to turn it out this week because Motown songs are practically tailor made for a voice like his. (Which, by the way, is why I think White Stevie Wonder may finally, finally go home this week. So there's one reason to be optimistic, noodles) So what would I like to hear him sing? Actually, I’d love to hear him wrap that silky voice around the Commodores' Easy. Great song. Great groove. I bet he’d destroy it. He’d never pick it though, so I feel sure that I’ll be able to go on hating him with impunity. I will not be seduced by the voice. I will not be seduced by the voice. I will not be seduced by the voice. Woo-sa.
Michael Sarver – I think he actually has a good chance to do well this week and make me remember why I liked him in the first place. He has that soul edge to his voice. I’d love to hear him sing If This World Were Mine. He could dedicate it to his wife. That should keep the sap police happy. If he sings like he did in the early audition rounds, he could do very, very well with that.
Megan Corkery – Will surely sing some shit like Why Do Fool’s Fall in Love in her never ending attempt to sing non-song songs throughout this entire competition. That or she’ll try to sing God Bless the Child or Good Morning Heartache in her fake ass pale imitation of Lady Day under the guise that they were on the Lady Sings the Blues soundtrack. And then I will sneak into the contestants' mansion in the dead of night and I will murder her in her sleep, kiddies. I hate her. I’m done with her. Maybe the influenza B will have done her in by this evening.
White Stevie Wonder – He never did quite earn the privilege of my learning his real name, noodles, and hopefully after tonight he’ll be gone. So you know he really doesn’t deserve a song prediction. Although, if he sings Stevie I just might have to admit that he’s a little bit awesome. I could actually see him attempting Overjoyed or Ribbon in the Sky. Attempting and failing, but giving it that old Special Olympics try.
Get excited, kittens. I know I'll be imagining this line up in my head while the kids caterwaul their way through the five songs that managed to clear in time to make the show.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
American Idol S8 Finals Ep4 Say My Name
Right around the time that the Dawg was forgetting what’s her face’s name on live national television, I decided that there really is no value to fully three quarters of the judges panel this season. And that’s sad, kittens. Yes, I will have forgotten Alexis Grace’s name by this time next week, but I’m not being paid ridiculous sums of money to pretend like I care what happens to these kids. Between Simon turning Lil Rounds into the youngest member of the newly reformed Fat Boys, Randy’s general uselessness now with extra added stupid and Judge #4’s mere existence on this planet, it’s like the panel was specifically put together by Satan to cause me endless pain and misery. Oh, the humanity!
Noodles, the judges worked my nerves last night so badly that I barely had time to be outraged by the highly questionable fashion choices foisted upon us by the crack whores and angry trannys in wardrobe. Forget the fashion side note, darlings, we need a fashion paragraph for this shit. Randy Jackson in a Michael Johns-ian scarf. No. Was that black chicken wire on Paula’s shoulders? Umm, no. Why do they continue to dress Lil like an extra from Madea Goes to Jail? Hell to the no. Did they really think it was OK to put Scott in that shirt just because he’s blind? Well, that was a little awesome, but no. I don’t even know where to begin with Alexis dressed as the town slut from Little House on the Prairie. Though I blame that on Judge #4. But the absolute nadir had to be Carrie Underwood and whatever that was nesting on her head. Y'all, we already know that since the great post AI weight loss, Carrie’s had an unfortunate bobble head issue. To top that off with a great glob of blonde bouffant and a handful of flowers the trannys bought at Michael’s about 15 minutes before the show started is the complete opposite of right. Thank the gods we had Ryan in a beautifully tailored suit to provide a moment’s relief. Honestly, if it’s going to be this bad, just let the kids keep picking out their own clothes at Target. They could hardly do worse.
There was really no highlight last night, was there? I mean you had Gokey being a smug ass all over the stage. Lil having no idea how close she is to going home next week unless she absolutely blows it out on the theme tailor made for her. He-Man Oilman catching the Danny/Matt G. smarmy asshole disease and pimping out his daughter’s secret pain in exchange for another week on this crappy show. Scott and Megan’s pity party. Adam and Anoop being two sides of the sexy coin and killing me with the pretty. Kris making me like him more and more every time I see him. And Manic Panic and Alexis being the only two people in the studio who didn’t know that they were the bottom two this week. They both broke AI cardinal rule #1: You can be good, you can be bad, but you can’t be boring.
As for the lowlight, the sing for your life is turning out to be the turd-y cherry on the shit-tastic sundae that is this season’s “innovations”, kiddies. Who thought it was a good idea to take devastated famewhores already riddled with more emotions than they’ve ever felt in their entire life and barely coherent and then dangle the possibility of keeping their feeble dreams alive for another week (something which we know is never going to happen) and then make them prostrate themselves on the altar of the judges’ whims, provided they can even keep their attention throughout the entire performance, RANDY? All to be unceremoniously dumped after being forced to give the worst performance of all time. I mean, great googly moogly, that might have been the worst sing out in Idol history. And really, how could it not be? Poor Alexis. Robbed of every shred of dignity as Judge #4 got her last fuck in on the way out the door. Pimps up, 'hos down.
So there’s your Idols Live Tour, noodles. I hope you like two hours of watching White Stevie Wonder not move. If the group sing was any indication, that's what you'll be getting.
Side Note: What is with the lip synching this year? It’s madness. How can they sound so awful when it’s all on tape?
Motown week is up next and Lil had better bring it if she wants to survive. Y’all, this show is going to wind up whiter than CPAC before all’s said and done.
Noodles, the judges worked my nerves last night so badly that I barely had time to be outraged by the highly questionable fashion choices foisted upon us by the crack whores and angry trannys in wardrobe. Forget the fashion side note, darlings, we need a fashion paragraph for this shit. Randy Jackson in a Michael Johns-ian scarf. No. Was that black chicken wire on Paula’s shoulders? Umm, no. Why do they continue to dress Lil like an extra from Madea Goes to Jail? Hell to the no. Did they really think it was OK to put Scott in that shirt just because he’s blind? Well, that was a little awesome, but no. I don’t even know where to begin with Alexis dressed as the town slut from Little House on the Prairie. Though I blame that on Judge #4. But the absolute nadir had to be Carrie Underwood and whatever that was nesting on her head. Y'all, we already know that since the great post AI weight loss, Carrie’s had an unfortunate bobble head issue. To top that off with a great glob of blonde bouffant and a handful of flowers the trannys bought at Michael’s about 15 minutes before the show started is the complete opposite of right. Thank the gods we had Ryan in a beautifully tailored suit to provide a moment’s relief. Honestly, if it’s going to be this bad, just let the kids keep picking out their own clothes at Target. They could hardly do worse.
There was really no highlight last night, was there? I mean you had Gokey being a smug ass all over the stage. Lil having no idea how close she is to going home next week unless she absolutely blows it out on the theme tailor made for her. He-Man Oilman catching the Danny/Matt G. smarmy asshole disease and pimping out his daughter’s secret pain in exchange for another week on this crappy show. Scott and Megan’s pity party. Adam and Anoop being two sides of the sexy coin and killing me with the pretty. Kris making me like him more and more every time I see him. And Manic Panic and Alexis being the only two people in the studio who didn’t know that they were the bottom two this week. They both broke AI cardinal rule #1: You can be good, you can be bad, but you can’t be boring.
As for the lowlight, the sing for your life is turning out to be the turd-y cherry on the shit-tastic sundae that is this season’s “innovations”, kiddies. Who thought it was a good idea to take devastated famewhores already riddled with more emotions than they’ve ever felt in their entire life and barely coherent and then dangle the possibility of keeping their feeble dreams alive for another week (something which we know is never going to happen) and then make them prostrate themselves on the altar of the judges’ whims, provided they can even keep their attention throughout the entire performance, RANDY? All to be unceremoniously dumped after being forced to give the worst performance of all time. I mean, great googly moogly, that might have been the worst sing out in Idol history. And really, how could it not be? Poor Alexis. Robbed of every shred of dignity as Judge #4 got her last fuck in on the way out the door. Pimps up, 'hos down.
So there’s your Idols Live Tour, noodles. I hope you like two hours of watching White Stevie Wonder not move. If the group sing was any indication, that's what you'll be getting.
Side Note: What is with the lip synching this year? It’s madness. How can they sound so awful when it’s all on tape?
Motown week is up next and Lil had better bring it if she wants to survive. Y’all, this show is going to wind up whiter than CPAC before all’s said and done.
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
American Idol S8 Finals Ep3 What Ain't to Be Just Might Happen
Paula is the only judge on Idol that has even a lick of sense this season. The apocalypse is upon us.
That’s my main conclusion from last night’s Grand Ole Opry themed show. Well, that and the bitter, bitter knowledge that we missed out on having Randy Travis as the guest judge last night thanks to the useless waste of cells that is Judge #4. Can you imagine his reaction to Adam’s Ring of Fire with the sex faces and the inappropriate touching and the too tight pants, gold lame jacket, Bea Arthur haircut and more make up than Paula? Kittens, the mind reels! But no, we were deprived of the fabulousness that was the Adam ‘n Randy Sexually Ambiguous Hour because we needed more Karababble in our lives. Phooey.
Overall, I think this might have been Idol’s best country night ever, with some surprising candidates for the number one spot. I will go from first to worst, although my worst this week, as every week, is frikkin’ Tattoo Sleeve and White Stevie Wonder. Just plug that in until they go home.
Let’s get some Opry spirit in here. Porter Wagoner, take it away.
When You’re Hot, You’re Hot
Anoop Desai/You Were Always on my Mind – Noodles, first can we acknowledge the overwhelming hotness and swagger of this geek chic kid? My word. I know I give the wardrobe crack hos a hard time, but I must admit that they did right by Anouk (Anoop) last night. The new cut is working. The eyebrows have been tastefully plucked. And they got him out of the Member’s Only jacket. Well played, wardrobe, hair and make up. Well played. But beyond just the general hotness, the song was hot. He can blow. He has an amazing tone to his voice and he hit every note. Like butter, kittens. The song was sexy as all hell. And the confidence? What? He has endless amounts of swagger and I love it! He was by far the best of the night.
Kris Allen/To Make You Feel My Love – Much like our intrepid trio of judges, I feel like I’ve really been sleeping on this kid. He’s getting better and better. And last night he killed that Garth Brooks song. He sounded phenomenally good. I honestly did not know that he had it quite like that. He’s still a little bit spastic without the guitar, but as Simon said, this was the first time I’ve ever seen this guy as a real contender. Even that last falsetto note was pitch perfect. Nicely done. And can I just note that I actually think Judge #4 and her Karababble are making Randy stupider than he’s ever been. Tender Moments from My Dawg Chris? Is that the latest hood rat classic black romance novel that girl next to you on the subway is rocking? We just don’t even need to bother to pay attention to them anymore, do we noodles? Paula continued to rock here, though. Pleasantly surprised indeed.
Allison Iraheta/Blame It on Your Heart – This young one really has a knack for picking the perfect songs for herself. She has a great sense of who she is and who she wants to be as an artist. That said, I agreed with Paula again that she will need to do a softer song, a ballad, sometime soon to show that she can do something other than agro-rocker chick. Anyway, she owned the stage last night and got Paula up and drunk chair dancing. She’s such a confident performer. La Curacao must be one hell of a training ground. I guess if you can hold the attention of big box shoppers at a blue light special sale, you can tame the Kodak. Simon was a pissy bitch here, as he was pretty much all night long. And he must’ve had a break up with Ryan and gone back to boning Paula because the two of them were way too much. Get a room, please. Back to Allison. She rocked. But darlings, I fret. Do you do so as well? She performed really early in the evening and I don’t think she’s built up the fan base of some of the others. And she’s so good, I’m afraid people might be taking her for granted. I would hate to see her victim of the early “surprise” boot. Kittens, it would be criminal for her to not even make the tour.
Adam Lambert/Ring of Fire – Controversy schmontroversy. As the great Maureen sang in Rent, “This diva needs her stage. Baby let’s have fun.” I loved every creepy, sexed up, freak out, sitar and drug laced moment of that performance. He took it so far over the top that he looped back around again to get under. Was it indulgent? Of course it was, but nothing would’ve worked if he’d tried to sing a country song straight. What he did was beyond performance. It was art. And it was magnificent. Haters be warned, because the Cashmere Led Zepplin is the best thing on this show right about now. (God, I love Paula!)
I Haven’t Learned A Thing
Michael Sarver/Ain’t Goin Down ‘til the Sun Comes Up – Kittens, you know how I feel about doing songs done to death by previous Idol contestants, no? And this song was laid in its grave on this show by Latoya London. Totally spunky and unexpectedly fabulous. So the He-Man Oilman had little hope of coming out on top when he chose to tackle this country classic. And then, he did really nothing special with it. I mean it was in tune more or less. I suppose. And he ran around (well, OK, he walked around) the stage making crazy faces at the audience and squatting next to the harmonica player, but to what effect? None that I could tell, kiddies. He’s boring and I was bored. I still think he’s the cutest darn thing ever, but he is so far out of his depth in this competition. And side note to Randy Travis and Judge #4, it’s not some miracle akin to Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead that this fool was able to learn this song. Yes, there are a lot of words and they come fast and furious, but this is literally all that he is doing all day long. Not working 40 hours a week on the oil rig and then dragging himself home at night to learn songs by candlelight in his ramshackle kitchen. Nope. Just living it up in the contestants’ mansion, eating and drinking on Idol’s dime and learning songs. He doesn’t get a cookie for that.
Lil Rounds/Independence Day – Big sigh, kittens. Why do people continue to underestimate Martina McBride? She has one of the biggest voices in the universe. And Lil does not. She has a great voice, no doubt, but not the kind of voice built for this song. Let’s just acknowledge that Simon and the thing with the name was a total dick move on his part. But the man had a point. There are a million great country songs that lend themselves to being done well by R&B artists. Hell, I think All-4-One built a whole career out of it. But Independence Day is not one of those songs. She was pitchy in spots and her voice doesn’t have the power to carry off the bombast of the chorus. I was not feeling this performance at all. She really needs to start picking songs that better showcase her, because I think this girl has real talent, but she’s flirting dangerously close to pulling a Mandisa and getting sent home 8th or 9th rather than somewhere in the Top 5 as she should be. Love the new hair, though. Love it.
Alexis Grace/Jolene – She didn’t smile through the whole song which automatically made it a better version than Brooke White’s from last season. However, it was a solid but unspectacular performance. Clearly middle of the pack. The word workmanlike comes to mind. And the judges were at their most predictable here. Of course, Paula doesn’t care about pitch problems. I think she invented pitch problems. And y’all, I think Judge #4 might have been a pimp in a former life because her obsession with turning Alexis out is getting uncomfortable to watch. The minute that she shows up not half naked and writhing around on the stage, the Karababble about being drrrty comes out. So much hate. Noodles, do you remember the scene in Showgirls where that one dancer throws pearls and rhinestones from her costume onto the stage so that her rival’s partner will trip and fall dropping her from a lift and incapacitating her so that the evil saboteur can take over her part? I think Paula’s skin may be bedazzled, she wears so much glitter and paste. She could totally sabotage Judge #4’s walk down the stairs to the judge table. Someone get her a fake pearl, stat! See how boring Alexis’ performance was? I’ve barely mentioned her in her own recap. Sad.
Better Move It on Home
White Stevie Wonder/Wild Angels – America, I am begging you. Stop coddling this fool. He can’t sing. And despite the judges’ pleas that he deliver it, he doesn’t have “it” to deliver. His thin, reedy little instrument is the vocal equivalent of novacaine. And Randy Travis was so sweetly befuddled, searching for a way to break it to this dude that he really doesn’t sing all that well. It’s painful now. He seems like a sweet man, and the hair people did make an effort to tame the white man’s fro. But do you really want this fool coming soon to a city near you? Think about it, America. Think long and hard.
Megan Corkery/Walkin’ After Midnight – So out of all the great Patsy Cline classics, she chooses another non-song song. Y’all, just cut and paste from the last time I talked about this fool. She was under the pitch the entire time. Again. Flat, flat, flat. Again. She missed every single note after the key change. Every. Single. Note. She kept doing that weird hitch-in-the voice delivery on the last word of every verse. Sick or healthy, bitch can’t sing. Ugh. Go home, Tattoo Sleeve.
Matt Giraud/So Small – And just like that, I’m off the Matt G. train. Kittens, the goat voice was back in full effect. And the cheese eating, smarmy personality. The smug grin and faux, “Aw, shucks. Who? Little old me?” As a singer, this dude is a decent pianist. It was so bad that Judge #4 actually ran out of shit to say. Just came to a full stop. What about this screamed out pimp slot, huh show? What a waste. Ju’not Joyner, you are missed.
Danny Gokey/Jesus Take the Wheel – Bitch song, meet Danny Gokey. Danny, meet bitch song. I suspect that you are already intimately acquainted. Y’all, the cheesiness finally broke me. He sounded amazing. But then again, he always does. He has a true gift. But the cynicism wrapped in sincerity of choosing this song after you’ve spent months spewing garbage about your dead wife and your church group it’s just . . . it’s grotesque is what it is. So the Gokey hate has finally won. I am well and truly over his beautiful voice. And does he have his own personal Lenscrafters? What the fuck is up with the glasses for every occasion. The bullshit myth making being built up around this dude is so heinous that it’s overtaking the fact that he can actually flat out sing. And that’s a shame. I am tired of him now, though. He’s dismissed.
Kittens, why are there still so many of them? They’re like Tribbles. We’re about to get our touring company. Hopefully one of the costumes for the performances will be a replica of Paula’s floral palazzo pants jumpsuit. For both the men and the women. And then the tour bus can run over Judge #4 and drive Randy over to his actual good show, ABDC, and leave him there.
I hope Simon and Ryan make up by tonight because something was seriously up his butt and I don’t want no distractions when Randy Travis and Carrie Underwood take to the stage.
Who’s going home? Hell if I know. I’d be happy with any of the bottom four taking their leave of us, but my gut says it’s probably He-Man Oilman, or even Allison in a shocker. See you on the flip side, kiddies.
That’s my main conclusion from last night’s Grand Ole Opry themed show. Well, that and the bitter, bitter knowledge that we missed out on having Randy Travis as the guest judge last night thanks to the useless waste of cells that is Judge #4. Can you imagine his reaction to Adam’s Ring of Fire with the sex faces and the inappropriate touching and the too tight pants, gold lame jacket, Bea Arthur haircut and more make up than Paula? Kittens, the mind reels! But no, we were deprived of the fabulousness that was the Adam ‘n Randy Sexually Ambiguous Hour because we needed more Karababble in our lives. Phooey.
Overall, I think this might have been Idol’s best country night ever, with some surprising candidates for the number one spot. I will go from first to worst, although my worst this week, as every week, is frikkin’ Tattoo Sleeve and White Stevie Wonder. Just plug that in until they go home.
Let’s get some Opry spirit in here. Porter Wagoner, take it away.
When You’re Hot, You’re Hot
Anoop Desai/You Were Always on my Mind – Noodles, first can we acknowledge the overwhelming hotness and swagger of this geek chic kid? My word. I know I give the wardrobe crack hos a hard time, but I must admit that they did right by Anouk (Anoop) last night. The new cut is working. The eyebrows have been tastefully plucked. And they got him out of the Member’s Only jacket. Well played, wardrobe, hair and make up. Well played. But beyond just the general hotness, the song was hot. He can blow. He has an amazing tone to his voice and he hit every note. Like butter, kittens. The song was sexy as all hell. And the confidence? What? He has endless amounts of swagger and I love it! He was by far the best of the night.
Kris Allen/To Make You Feel My Love – Much like our intrepid trio of judges, I feel like I’ve really been sleeping on this kid. He’s getting better and better. And last night he killed that Garth Brooks song. He sounded phenomenally good. I honestly did not know that he had it quite like that. He’s still a little bit spastic without the guitar, but as Simon said, this was the first time I’ve ever seen this guy as a real contender. Even that last falsetto note was pitch perfect. Nicely done. And can I just note that I actually think Judge #4 and her Karababble are making Randy stupider than he’s ever been. Tender Moments from My Dawg Chris? Is that the latest hood rat classic black romance novel that girl next to you on the subway is rocking? We just don’t even need to bother to pay attention to them anymore, do we noodles? Paula continued to rock here, though. Pleasantly surprised indeed.
Allison Iraheta/Blame It on Your Heart – This young one really has a knack for picking the perfect songs for herself. She has a great sense of who she is and who she wants to be as an artist. That said, I agreed with Paula again that she will need to do a softer song, a ballad, sometime soon to show that she can do something other than agro-rocker chick. Anyway, she owned the stage last night and got Paula up and drunk chair dancing. She’s such a confident performer. La Curacao must be one hell of a training ground. I guess if you can hold the attention of big box shoppers at a blue light special sale, you can tame the Kodak. Simon was a pissy bitch here, as he was pretty much all night long. And he must’ve had a break up with Ryan and gone back to boning Paula because the two of them were way too much. Get a room, please. Back to Allison. She rocked. But darlings, I fret. Do you do so as well? She performed really early in the evening and I don’t think she’s built up the fan base of some of the others. And she’s so good, I’m afraid people might be taking her for granted. I would hate to see her victim of the early “surprise” boot. Kittens, it would be criminal for her to not even make the tour.
Adam Lambert/Ring of Fire – Controversy schmontroversy. As the great Maureen sang in Rent, “This diva needs her stage. Baby let’s have fun.” I loved every creepy, sexed up, freak out, sitar and drug laced moment of that performance. He took it so far over the top that he looped back around again to get under. Was it indulgent? Of course it was, but nothing would’ve worked if he’d tried to sing a country song straight. What he did was beyond performance. It was art. And it was magnificent. Haters be warned, because the Cashmere Led Zepplin is the best thing on this show right about now. (God, I love Paula!)
I Haven’t Learned A Thing
Michael Sarver/Ain’t Goin Down ‘til the Sun Comes Up – Kittens, you know how I feel about doing songs done to death by previous Idol contestants, no? And this song was laid in its grave on this show by Latoya London. Totally spunky and unexpectedly fabulous. So the He-Man Oilman had little hope of coming out on top when he chose to tackle this country classic. And then, he did really nothing special with it. I mean it was in tune more or less. I suppose. And he ran around (well, OK, he walked around) the stage making crazy faces at the audience and squatting next to the harmonica player, but to what effect? None that I could tell, kiddies. He’s boring and I was bored. I still think he’s the cutest darn thing ever, but he is so far out of his depth in this competition. And side note to Randy Travis and Judge #4, it’s not some miracle akin to Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead that this fool was able to learn this song. Yes, there are a lot of words and they come fast and furious, but this is literally all that he is doing all day long. Not working 40 hours a week on the oil rig and then dragging himself home at night to learn songs by candlelight in his ramshackle kitchen. Nope. Just living it up in the contestants’ mansion, eating and drinking on Idol’s dime and learning songs. He doesn’t get a cookie for that.
Lil Rounds/Independence Day – Big sigh, kittens. Why do people continue to underestimate Martina McBride? She has one of the biggest voices in the universe. And Lil does not. She has a great voice, no doubt, but not the kind of voice built for this song. Let’s just acknowledge that Simon and the thing with the name was a total dick move on his part. But the man had a point. There are a million great country songs that lend themselves to being done well by R&B artists. Hell, I think All-4-One built a whole career out of it. But Independence Day is not one of those songs. She was pitchy in spots and her voice doesn’t have the power to carry off the bombast of the chorus. I was not feeling this performance at all. She really needs to start picking songs that better showcase her, because I think this girl has real talent, but she’s flirting dangerously close to pulling a Mandisa and getting sent home 8th or 9th rather than somewhere in the Top 5 as she should be. Love the new hair, though. Love it.
Alexis Grace/Jolene – She didn’t smile through the whole song which automatically made it a better version than Brooke White’s from last season. However, it was a solid but unspectacular performance. Clearly middle of the pack. The word workmanlike comes to mind. And the judges were at their most predictable here. Of course, Paula doesn’t care about pitch problems. I think she invented pitch problems. And y’all, I think Judge #4 might have been a pimp in a former life because her obsession with turning Alexis out is getting uncomfortable to watch. The minute that she shows up not half naked and writhing around on the stage, the Karababble about being drrrty comes out. So much hate. Noodles, do you remember the scene in Showgirls where that one dancer throws pearls and rhinestones from her costume onto the stage so that her rival’s partner will trip and fall dropping her from a lift and incapacitating her so that the evil saboteur can take over her part? I think Paula’s skin may be bedazzled, she wears so much glitter and paste. She could totally sabotage Judge #4’s walk down the stairs to the judge table. Someone get her a fake pearl, stat! See how boring Alexis’ performance was? I’ve barely mentioned her in her own recap. Sad.
Better Move It on Home
White Stevie Wonder/Wild Angels – America, I am begging you. Stop coddling this fool. He can’t sing. And despite the judges’ pleas that he deliver it, he doesn’t have “it” to deliver. His thin, reedy little instrument is the vocal equivalent of novacaine. And Randy Travis was so sweetly befuddled, searching for a way to break it to this dude that he really doesn’t sing all that well. It’s painful now. He seems like a sweet man, and the hair people did make an effort to tame the white man’s fro. But do you really want this fool coming soon to a city near you? Think about it, America. Think long and hard.
Megan Corkery/Walkin’ After Midnight – So out of all the great Patsy Cline classics, she chooses another non-song song. Y’all, just cut and paste from the last time I talked about this fool. She was under the pitch the entire time. Again. Flat, flat, flat. Again. She missed every single note after the key change. Every. Single. Note. She kept doing that weird hitch-in-the voice delivery on the last word of every verse. Sick or healthy, bitch can’t sing. Ugh. Go home, Tattoo Sleeve.
Matt Giraud/So Small – And just like that, I’m off the Matt G. train. Kittens, the goat voice was back in full effect. And the cheese eating, smarmy personality. The smug grin and faux, “Aw, shucks. Who? Little old me?” As a singer, this dude is a decent pianist. It was so bad that Judge #4 actually ran out of shit to say. Just came to a full stop. What about this screamed out pimp slot, huh show? What a waste. Ju’not Joyner, you are missed.
Danny Gokey/Jesus Take the Wheel – Bitch song, meet Danny Gokey. Danny, meet bitch song. I suspect that you are already intimately acquainted. Y’all, the cheesiness finally broke me. He sounded amazing. But then again, he always does. He has a true gift. But the cynicism wrapped in sincerity of choosing this song after you’ve spent months spewing garbage about your dead wife and your church group it’s just . . . it’s grotesque is what it is. So the Gokey hate has finally won. I am well and truly over his beautiful voice. And does he have his own personal Lenscrafters? What the fuck is up with the glasses for every occasion. The bullshit myth making being built up around this dude is so heinous that it’s overtaking the fact that he can actually flat out sing. And that’s a shame. I am tired of him now, though. He’s dismissed.
Kittens, why are there still so many of them? They’re like Tribbles. We’re about to get our touring company. Hopefully one of the costumes for the performances will be a replica of Paula’s floral palazzo pants jumpsuit. For both the men and the women. And then the tour bus can run over Judge #4 and drive Randy over to his actual good show, ABDC, and leave him there.
I hope Simon and Ryan make up by tonight because something was seriously up his butt and I don’t want no distractions when Randy Travis and Carrie Underwood take to the stage.
Who’s going home? Hell if I know. I’d be happy with any of the bottom four taking their leave of us, but my gut says it’s probably He-Man Oilman, or even Allison in a shocker. See you on the flip side, kiddies.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
American Idol S8 Finals Ep2 You Scream, You Learn
So results show #1 is in the can for Season 8. And what have we all learned, kittens? Let’s review our lessons from last night.
Lesson #1: Kelly Clarkson is more fabulous than you in every way possible.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! What was there not to love about the performance of one Miss Kelly Clarkson? She looked amazing – healthy and happy. She sounded like a pop rock goddess. That’s how an Idol does it! And Ryan singing My Life Would Suck Without You? Was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen on my TV. Greatest 5 minutes of Idol ever. And now we’ve been promised returning Idols every week, noodles. J Hud and ‘Tasia. Elliot!! Hell, I’ll even let Fivehead come back if he brings D’archie with him. I’m excited by this turn of events.
Lesson #2: No one is a bigger douchebag than Kanye West.
I hope Kanye knows that he can’t actually sing because now all of America knows it as well. Also, skinny jeans are not made to be sagging. Half his ass was hanging out and he was two seconds away from a very public pantsing. And in general, the fashion world needs to take note that the acid wash jean phenomenon is not cute. It wasn’t cute the first time. Also, no one but Adam Lambert can pull off the fingerless gloves. And, his performance overall was tired. And he sucks. Kisses.
Lesson #3: This show is rigged.
Darlings, do we really have to keep re-learning this lesson every season? What is the big poo poo about the new rule? Everything on this show is manufactured. The Matrix was more real than even one millisecond of this carefully scripted “reality” show. And I’m supposed to lose my mind because Simon Fuller has decided to be a little bit more transparent about the string pulling? I find I am sanguine, kiddies. Look, we all know that this “innovation” is a joke. Anyone worth saving, who the judges would actually deign to save, makes it to the Top 4 anyway. Do I think the judges would’ve saved Tamyra and Chris? Sure, but even if they jumped in their way back machine with this new found power and Judge #4 in tow, they couldn’t have because those two both made Top 4 and this power conveniently ends at Top 5. And ain’t no way in hell that the judges would’ve saved J Hud or Michael Johns even if they’d had the power back then. Simon loathed J Hud and the show is only on her jock know because she’s a Grammy and Oscar award winner. And Michael was way too uneven for it to even matter. He was not ever going to win AI or even make the Top 5, so whatever. I mean, if you really want to know how rigged this show is, just watch the scenes of the kids exploring their new Contestants’ (formerly Judges’) mansion and try to imagine a situation where a black woman would risk her perm by going into a steam room? Yeah, total fiction.
Lesson #4: Ford Pimpmercials kick the group sing’s donkey.
Where to begin with this week’s group sing, which had to be one of the worst of all time? Should we start with the clothes, kittens? Anoop rocking a windbreaker? Megan in a purple Homecoming dress over black skinny jeans and a necklace made from Flintstone style dinosaur eggs? Y’all, that was probably from her own closet. Maybe we can talk about the singing? Well, they all sounded like shit. That was quick. Should I go for the dancing? Danny Gokey’s pelvic thrusts have scarred me for life. And half of them couldn’t even be assed to learn the routine. Yeah, that’s you, Sarver. Really? This is all you have to do all day long for the next five million weeks. You may not be Baryshnikov, but make an effort to learn the damn routine. And not even a pointy pose? Without our rituals, society falls apart at the seams.
Contrast that with the thing of beauty that was the pimpmercial. Freaky beautiful, big headed kids on the sides of buildings in downtown LA. Adam Lambert’s scary sexy face on the hood of a Ford vehicle as he gets to sink his teeth into a little Freddy Mercury. Anoop being the hottest South Asian geek boy ever all over my TV screen. The only thing missing was White Stevie Wonder behind the wheel, but there’s always next week. The pimpmercial rocks my world.
Lesson #5: This year’s “innovations” are garbage.
So the show gives the judges the power to pardon a contestant one time only over the course of the season, but then the kids have to sing for their lives before they find out whether or not they got the pardon. As if that performance is going to make up the judges minds one way or the other. We’ve already established that Paula has the attention span of a fruit fly and is coked out of her mind three quarters of the time. There’s no way she could form enough coherent thoughts to make a unanimous decision on whether or not to save one of these kids on live, national TV. Obviously, this power is for the set few Chosen Ones in case they get into any trouble early in the competition. And in setting up this totally false construct, they’ve ruined the sing out, which was awesome in the past because the kids could just let go and have fun with their last performance on the show. Now they’re all tense and crazy and for no good reason because the sing out will never change anyone’s mind, but they don’t know that and so they put a million times more pressure on their sing out than they did on their performance on show night and wind up spitting out crap like Jasmine practically weeping her way through a horribly out of tune I’ll Be There or Jorge’s entire face exploding during Never Can Say Goodbye. Well done, Cecile Frout-Coutaz. Why don’t we just put you in charge of the Treasury Department and have done with our economic implosion?
Lesson #6: Boricuas got nothing on Pinoy Power
Ramiele Malubay and her high waisted pants hung around forever on Idol last season. Jasmine Trias from Hawai’i made Top 3. I was severely underwhelmed by the voting prowess of my Island dwelling brothers and sisters. Come on, Puertoriqueños. You couldn’t even keep Jorge around through Week Two? ¿Qué pasó, Latinos? I’m not sad to see the back of him, but I had Loud PR Boy good for at least another couple of rounds.
Lesson #7: The show doesn’t care about building suspense anymore.
Megan vs. Jasmine? Jorge vs. Lil Rounds and then Anoop? It’s like they are not even trying anymore, kiddies. If you don’t care, AI, then why should we care? Think on it.
Lesson #8: This season’s loser song is proof that sometimes god hates me.
Noodles, I like Carrie Underwood. She’s not my favorite AI winner, but I enjoy her from time to time. Further, I think she can really sing. With that voice, there are many, many things she can do. Cover the Cruë is not one of them. Home Sweet Home? Home Sweet Home as sung by Carrie Underwood? Really? Is Vince Neil just making that much bank on VH1 Celebreality that he doesn't need AI's filthy lucre? Darlings, this is the worst loser song ever. And here I thought nothing could be worse than Ruben doing a watered down Kenny Loggins on Celebrate Me Home. I don’t know if I can take that all season long.
So what do we have on tap next, kittens? Grand Ole Opry Week. Who wants to bet that Megan yodels? This has high train wreck potential, even higher than MJ Week. I’m licking my lips already.
Lesson #1: Kelly Clarkson is more fabulous than you in every way possible.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!! What was there not to love about the performance of one Miss Kelly Clarkson? She looked amazing – healthy and happy. She sounded like a pop rock goddess. That’s how an Idol does it! And Ryan singing My Life Would Suck Without You? Was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen on my TV. Greatest 5 minutes of Idol ever. And now we’ve been promised returning Idols every week, noodles. J Hud and ‘Tasia. Elliot!! Hell, I’ll even let Fivehead come back if he brings D’archie with him. I’m excited by this turn of events.
Lesson #2: No one is a bigger douchebag than Kanye West.
I hope Kanye knows that he can’t actually sing because now all of America knows it as well. Also, skinny jeans are not made to be sagging. Half his ass was hanging out and he was two seconds away from a very public pantsing. And in general, the fashion world needs to take note that the acid wash jean phenomenon is not cute. It wasn’t cute the first time. Also, no one but Adam Lambert can pull off the fingerless gloves. And, his performance overall was tired. And he sucks. Kisses.
Lesson #3: This show is rigged.
Darlings, do we really have to keep re-learning this lesson every season? What is the big poo poo about the new rule? Everything on this show is manufactured. The Matrix was more real than even one millisecond of this carefully scripted “reality” show. And I’m supposed to lose my mind because Simon Fuller has decided to be a little bit more transparent about the string pulling? I find I am sanguine, kiddies. Look, we all know that this “innovation” is a joke. Anyone worth saving, who the judges would actually deign to save, makes it to the Top 4 anyway. Do I think the judges would’ve saved Tamyra and Chris? Sure, but even if they jumped in their way back machine with this new found power and Judge #4 in tow, they couldn’t have because those two both made Top 4 and this power conveniently ends at Top 5. And ain’t no way in hell that the judges would’ve saved J Hud or Michael Johns even if they’d had the power back then. Simon loathed J Hud and the show is only on her jock know because she’s a Grammy and Oscar award winner. And Michael was way too uneven for it to even matter. He was not ever going to win AI or even make the Top 5, so whatever. I mean, if you really want to know how rigged this show is, just watch the scenes of the kids exploring their new Contestants’ (formerly Judges’) mansion and try to imagine a situation where a black woman would risk her perm by going into a steam room? Yeah, total fiction.
Lesson #4: Ford Pimpmercials kick the group sing’s donkey.
Where to begin with this week’s group sing, which had to be one of the worst of all time? Should we start with the clothes, kittens? Anoop rocking a windbreaker? Megan in a purple Homecoming dress over black skinny jeans and a necklace made from Flintstone style dinosaur eggs? Y’all, that was probably from her own closet. Maybe we can talk about the singing? Well, they all sounded like shit. That was quick. Should I go for the dancing? Danny Gokey’s pelvic thrusts have scarred me for life. And half of them couldn’t even be assed to learn the routine. Yeah, that’s you, Sarver. Really? This is all you have to do all day long for the next five million weeks. You may not be Baryshnikov, but make an effort to learn the damn routine. And not even a pointy pose? Without our rituals, society falls apart at the seams.
Contrast that with the thing of beauty that was the pimpmercial. Freaky beautiful, big headed kids on the sides of buildings in downtown LA. Adam Lambert’s scary sexy face on the hood of a Ford vehicle as he gets to sink his teeth into a little Freddy Mercury. Anoop being the hottest South Asian geek boy ever all over my TV screen. The only thing missing was White Stevie Wonder behind the wheel, but there’s always next week. The pimpmercial rocks my world.
Lesson #5: This year’s “innovations” are garbage.
So the show gives the judges the power to pardon a contestant one time only over the course of the season, but then the kids have to sing for their lives before they find out whether or not they got the pardon. As if that performance is going to make up the judges minds one way or the other. We’ve already established that Paula has the attention span of a fruit fly and is coked out of her mind three quarters of the time. There’s no way she could form enough coherent thoughts to make a unanimous decision on whether or not to save one of these kids on live, national TV. Obviously, this power is for the set few Chosen Ones in case they get into any trouble early in the competition. And in setting up this totally false construct, they’ve ruined the sing out, which was awesome in the past because the kids could just let go and have fun with their last performance on the show. Now they’re all tense and crazy and for no good reason because the sing out will never change anyone’s mind, but they don’t know that and so they put a million times more pressure on their sing out than they did on their performance on show night and wind up spitting out crap like Jasmine practically weeping her way through a horribly out of tune I’ll Be There or Jorge’s entire face exploding during Never Can Say Goodbye. Well done, Cecile Frout-Coutaz. Why don’t we just put you in charge of the Treasury Department and have done with our economic implosion?
Lesson #6: Boricuas got nothing on Pinoy Power
Ramiele Malubay and her high waisted pants hung around forever on Idol last season. Jasmine Trias from Hawai’i made Top 3. I was severely underwhelmed by the voting prowess of my Island dwelling brothers and sisters. Come on, Puertoriqueños. You couldn’t even keep Jorge around through Week Two? ¿Qué pasó, Latinos? I’m not sad to see the back of him, but I had Loud PR Boy good for at least another couple of rounds.
Lesson #7: The show doesn’t care about building suspense anymore.
Megan vs. Jasmine? Jorge vs. Lil Rounds and then Anoop? It’s like they are not even trying anymore, kiddies. If you don’t care, AI, then why should we care? Think on it.
Lesson #8: This season’s loser song is proof that sometimes god hates me.
Noodles, I like Carrie Underwood. She’s not my favorite AI winner, but I enjoy her from time to time. Further, I think she can really sing. With that voice, there are many, many things she can do. Cover the Cruë is not one of them. Home Sweet Home? Home Sweet Home as sung by Carrie Underwood? Really? Is Vince Neil just making that much bank on VH1 Celebreality that he doesn't need AI's filthy lucre? Darlings, this is the worst loser song ever. And here I thought nothing could be worse than Ruben doing a watered down Kenny Loggins on Celebrate Me Home. I don’t know if I can take that all season long.
So what do we have on tap next, kittens? Grand Ole Opry Week. Who wants to bet that Megan yodels? This has high train wreck potential, even higher than MJ Week. I’m licking my lips already.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
American Idol S8 Finals Ep1 Got to Get Up to Get down
Well, that was a night of peaks and valleys, wasn’t it? The first night on the big stage was surprisingly kind to some unexpected contestants and the harsh mistress we all know and love to others. I know who I think should be taking a long walk off of a short pier, noodles, but who knows what you bitches will do? And the big twist coming tonight? Can it please be that Paula strangles Judge #4 with that weird piece of string Simon was tugging on whilst trying to undress her last night? (And sidebar: How cute was Ryan running over in his best big boy on TV suit to protect his man from Paula’s wicked ways? So, so cute. Ah, young love) But I digress, and we have a lot of heads to chop, so let’s keep it moving.
Peaks
Darlings, we started off so well last night, didn’t we? Ryan looked stunning and they re-worked the stage yet again, now with extra added bridges for White Stevie Wonder to fall off of if we’re really, really good and pray extra hard. And I wasn’t sure how I felt about the judges’ dramatic entrance until I saw Paula in all her feathered glory come all tipsy tumbles down the stairs. She’s back on that monkey crack, y’all! And still just as fabulous as ever. She even crushed some dreams with Simon last night, what? Sadly, one of them was Anoop’s which was totally undeserved, but we’ll get to that. And y’all, Paula and Simon haaaattteee Judge #4. Can I get a witness? The Dawg is the only one that will even look at her now. So, yes, straight out the gate the show was hitting a high note. Which led us into . . .
Our first look at the kiddies and apparently Simon Fuller not only brought over the crack addled monkeys from last year’s SYTYCD production and camera crews, he unleashed the coke whores and angry trannys from the wardrobe and hair and make up departments on the girls. Each and every one of them looked kee-razy. This show makes money by the assload. They can afford sane wardrobe people. I think I went temporarily blind from the glare off of Lil Rounds white, peg leg, high waisted pants. Why? It’s going to be a long season if they keep dressing these girls like this.
Lil Rounds/The Way You Make Me Feel – She was adorable in her pre-package and her kids are cute and I promise I’m not going to complain anymore about what a hot mess she looked in those white, peg leg, high waisted pants with the mauve top with some kind of growth sprouting out of one boob and the pink sparkly eye shadow (trannys!) except to say that she overcame all of that with the fierceness of this performance. This girl can sang, kittens. She sounded lovely (although Simon was right that the back half of the song was better than the first part). All in all, a lovely way to kick off the show. And of course Paula loved the outfit. She probably considered wearing it herself before settling down with her hot glue gun, lace, beads and feathers to destroy that white strapless monstrosity she wound up rocking.
White Stevie Wonder/Keep the Faith – I didn’t know this song, nor do I care to know it. WSW sounded alright, although he was sharp and a little bit wonky on the chorus. The back up singers sounded like ass, as they would throughout the night. Seriously, kiddies, what the hell is wrong with Ricky Minor and the band? If I cared at all about this fool, I’d have been hot that the arrangement was so milquetoast and the back up singers were so out of tune. There’s really no point, though, in even critiquing this performance. The show obviously wants him around to make some point about how everyone’s a winner and you can do it and there are no limits but the ones we create for ourselves and whatever other Hallmark-y Special Olympics point they are trying to prove. So, yay? WSW lives to warble another treacly song. Oh, and “You can be artistic, just not on this show.” Thank you, Simon Cowell. Truer words were never spoken. Damn, Judge #4 really knows less than nothing about American Idol. Where did they find that fool?
Danny Gokey/PYT – I both hoped for and feared that someone would pick this song tonight. Thankfully, it landed in the hands of Danny and his dead wife (and thank the gods that they did not go there in the pre-package). However, Danny’s pre-package re-confirmed how much I do not understand white people. Do y’all just sit around your living rooms having hootenannies on the regular? C’mon. You can tell me. Anyway, forget about dead wives or badly pierced friends or whatever else you might hate about Danny Gokey, haters. The man can flat out B-L-O-W. He broke it down. He is at Jill Scott levels of “hate on me hater”. Just too good for the show’s bullshit pimping to bring down.
And it was so far, so good, right? Three up and even White Stevie wasn’t heinously bad, just supremely annoying. But for every peak, noodles, there must be a valley. And we were about to nosedive into a deep one.
Valleys
Michael Sarver/You Are Not Alone – Kittens, one should never, ever sing a song where the primary association is with a half nekkid Lisa Marie Presley. That is just MJ song picking rule #1. Nothing from the Lisa Marie era. And worse than that, one should never attempt to do impressive runs and fall completely off the notes. It was painful bad. Painful. The only thing more embarrassing was watching the judges break their necks trying to keep He-Man Oilman in the competition. I honestly don’t get why they’re pimping him so hard. Their unrelenting cheerleading had at least one upside. Paula hated it, but she still tried to find a way to pimp it. So she broke out “color” and she did that thing where she gets into the middle of a word and realizes that she doesn't really know what it means or how it connects to her next word. "Instinct . . . ually perfect" Delicious. New meds, Paula? You’re forever our girl.
Jasmine Murray/I’ll Be There – Who programmed the bot to pick the one song guaranteed to make me absolutely hate her? I get that she’s young and country and apparently her family can be of no help to her because they let the wardrobe fiends put her in a mini-caftan that only Mrs. Roper could love, but someone really needs to holler at this young’un and tell her that she’s not X-tina. Nope, not Mimi either. Nor Whitney. She’s a cute young girl with spackled on make up and an OK voice. Like second soloist in the church choir level good, which is absolutely good enough to establish a solid career as a pop artist in this, the age of Autotune. But y’all, she could never sing this song well enough to erase Mariah murdering it on MTV Unplugged. And she’s not deep enough to establish the sweet connection that you get from listening to the young MJ pour his heart and soul into this little ditty. So why was she wasting our time? It was fine. She was mostly in tune. The big notes were too big for her, as always. She’s just supremely boring. And btw, kiddies, the judges hate her. Even Paula called her out for being under the pitch in spots. I don’t understand why they put her on the show. Felicia could’ve put her foot in that song. What a waste of a Top 13 pick. Still cute as a button, though.
Side Note: I am going to love Glee almost more than is humanly possible and it's going to be cancelled after like 3 episodes and that is going to break my heart.
And now so far, not so good, no? I mean, I was seriously worried because Kris was coming up next and he already had issues with Man in the Mirror. It wasn’t looking so good for the kiddies or for your faithful recapper. But, to my surprise, we stumbled up another peak . . . and Kris sparked the turn around.
Peaks
Kris Allen/Do You Remember the Time – As Simon would point out later, the cute wife in the pre-package crushed many a young girl’s dream last night. But it’s only been five months. Plenty of time for that marriage to fall apart after he dumps her on his way to fame and fortune. Also, more hootenannies. Damn, white people. WTF? So the beginning sounded much better, didn’t it? He was getting his little funky on. He was doing so much better than his first go round with MJ and the guitar cut down on the geeky white boy dancing by at least 70%. And then, so sad. So tragic. He completely missed the notes on the break into the bridge and he just . . . started screaming. And didn’t stop. Until the very end of the song. And Judge #4 claimed that he missed a few notes? Try all of them in the back half of that song. Idiot. So, the judges still don’t care about this fool at all and they babbled and picked at each other like a monkey tribe grooming itself on the wide savannah. But whatever, this kid is young and cute and the first half of the song was rockin’. I’m pretty sure he’s good.
Alison Iraheta/Give In to Me – I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; I love this Manic Panic chola! And now I love her chulo family, too. Singing at La Curacao? It doesn’t get anymore East LA awesome than that. And the girl can straight up sing. She rocked the hell out of this little known MJ song. It was a perfect choice for her voice and her whole vibe. And out of the ladies last night, she looked the least crazy. The boots were hot, and the hairdresser might’ve gone a little bit crazy with the flat iron, but on the whole, the look was working. And she is too funny. I’m in love with her “Yeah, man.” I hope to hear much, much more of it as the season progresses.
And then we were peaking, right? We’re peaking and look there, around the corner was Anoop. Yay, Anoop! That’s gravy, no? Except, no. Kittens, I was heartbroken. I got concerned when I saw him in his Members Only jacket doing the Thriller dance. I feared the cheese. And then he brought the cheese. And his friend, Loud PR boy came right behind him with the government cheese. And before you know it, fucking Tattoo Sleeve showed up and we were deep in the valley.
Valleys
Anoop Desai/Beat It – Noodles, I still love Anoop. I love his pre-package. I love that he was the cutest baby ever. I love his parents being completely confused and culture shocked by the whole AI machine but totally supporting him in all the Anoop-y things he’s doing. And I don’t think the performance was nearly as bad as the judges made it out to be. Having said that, it was pretty bad. I mean, he was in tune for the most part. And he’s such a sexy, hot geek. But was it kinda corny? Kinda karaoke? Well, yeah. But on a night of Michael Sarvers and Megan Corkerys, this draws the judges ire? And Simon bitching about how they shouldn’t have even put him through to the Top 13? When you let Jasmine “Package Princess” Murray through? Yeah, the judges have lost their damn minds. If there’s any justice, Anoop will live to make them eat every one of those nasty words. But seriously, pick better songs, son.
Jorge Nunez/Never Can Say Goodbye – It was the definition of cheesy, 70’s lounge singer. And he went right back to being Loud PR Boy, screaming his way through the song and over emoting with the eyebrows and the out of control facial expressions and oh, my! Darlings, it was bad. He continued to display an adorable personality both in his stereotype re-affirming pre-package and his kind of broken English post-performance interview where he insisted that he couldn’t just jump on stage and sing Bad. (Although, come to think of it, that could have been totally awesome) He’s incredibly likeable and he made Paula say “mad love” which was wrong in all the right ways. But he shouldn’t be on this show.
Megan Corkery/Rockin’ Robin – We’re being punked, right? This is a joke. I don’t even have the strength anymore, family. It’s literally impossible for me to hate her more than I do at this very moment. Rockin’ Robin is a song you teach third graders to sing for their Spring Fling Pageant. It’s the kind of a song that’s not really a song. Like all of her songs have been. And she proceeded to sing it horribly, out of tune, screechily. My stars and garters, she even screeched “Caw caw” at the end of it! She has no lower register. She has no falsetto. She has no range. Yeah, she can’t sing. And she’s not all that beautiful. So, yes, Simon and the rest of the judges, we do think that you have gone completely nuts. Another wasted Top 13 slot. If she doesn’t go home this week (and I’m afraid she won’t go home this week, y’all) then next week Tattoo Sleeve has to pick a real song. One that requires actual singing. Ya heard?
And dammit, we were so deep in the valley at this point, I thought we’d never see daylight. But it’s always darkest before the dawn, no? And two contestants I love and one I hate made sure that we ended the first performance show of S8 on a peak.
Peaks
Adam Lambert/Black or White – I frikkin’ love this kid. All haters need to fall back. He’s has magic in those tight pants, noodles. Entertaining, can sing his butt off. Please recognize that this kid is the truth. There was nothing I didn’t love about that performance. It was by far the best of the night. He didn’t even need the pimp lighting. He probably has his own natural follow spot that just hangs around illuminating the magnificence that is him. As it should be. As it should be.
Matt Giraud/Human Nature – I have to give it to him. From his intro package with his beautifully mixed race family to his perfect song choice, to the way he tore it down on this song and brought that sexy JT/Robin Thicke thing and totally justified his out of proportion swagger. He was amazing. This performance was fire. And oh, how it burns. Bitterest gall. Goat voice worked it out. I reserve the right to resume hating him at any moment. But for now, strangé. He brought it the way it should be broughten.
Alexis Grace/Dirty Diana – Shutting it down in the pimp slot. Another perfect song choice. And I thoroughly enjoyed her performance. Drunk Paula continued to prove her mettle as the best judge of the season by noting that the song was slightly oversung, but really, it didn’t matter. She was great. And since they were overtime, the other judges didn’t get much of a chance to pile on. Alexis and her unreasonably cute baby and her black strapless bubble short onesie should easily live to see another day. She can really sing. And once she realizes that what makes great singers is their ability to provide a lot of different textures in their voices, to sing it low and sweet or hard and rough just like Ike and Tina promised us, she is going to really be a force. And kittens, she taught her baby to say “Seacrest out.” I will love her forever for that alone.
And then we were out. I don’t know what the surprise twist will be. I hope and pray that it’s not an SYTYCD style sing for your life as some have speculated because I’m more than ready to see the back of Jasmine and Tattoo Sleeve. We’ll see. I’m still holding out for death by strangulation and an end to the Karababble. Come on, Paula. I know you have it in you.
Until the pimpmercial, y’all.
Peaks
Darlings, we started off so well last night, didn’t we? Ryan looked stunning and they re-worked the stage yet again, now with extra added bridges for White Stevie Wonder to fall off of if we’re really, really good and pray extra hard. And I wasn’t sure how I felt about the judges’ dramatic entrance until I saw Paula in all her feathered glory come all tipsy tumbles down the stairs. She’s back on that monkey crack, y’all! And still just as fabulous as ever. She even crushed some dreams with Simon last night, what? Sadly, one of them was Anoop’s which was totally undeserved, but we’ll get to that. And y’all, Paula and Simon haaaattteee Judge #4. Can I get a witness? The Dawg is the only one that will even look at her now. So, yes, straight out the gate the show was hitting a high note. Which led us into . . .
Our first look at the kiddies and apparently Simon Fuller not only brought over the crack addled monkeys from last year’s SYTYCD production and camera crews, he unleashed the coke whores and angry trannys from the wardrobe and hair and make up departments on the girls. Each and every one of them looked kee-razy. This show makes money by the assload. They can afford sane wardrobe people. I think I went temporarily blind from the glare off of Lil Rounds white, peg leg, high waisted pants. Why? It’s going to be a long season if they keep dressing these girls like this.
Lil Rounds/The Way You Make Me Feel – She was adorable in her pre-package and her kids are cute and I promise I’m not going to complain anymore about what a hot mess she looked in those white, peg leg, high waisted pants with the mauve top with some kind of growth sprouting out of one boob and the pink sparkly eye shadow (trannys!) except to say that she overcame all of that with the fierceness of this performance. This girl can sang, kittens. She sounded lovely (although Simon was right that the back half of the song was better than the first part). All in all, a lovely way to kick off the show. And of course Paula loved the outfit. She probably considered wearing it herself before settling down with her hot glue gun, lace, beads and feathers to destroy that white strapless monstrosity she wound up rocking.
White Stevie Wonder/Keep the Faith – I didn’t know this song, nor do I care to know it. WSW sounded alright, although he was sharp and a little bit wonky on the chorus. The back up singers sounded like ass, as they would throughout the night. Seriously, kiddies, what the hell is wrong with Ricky Minor and the band? If I cared at all about this fool, I’d have been hot that the arrangement was so milquetoast and the back up singers were so out of tune. There’s really no point, though, in even critiquing this performance. The show obviously wants him around to make some point about how everyone’s a winner and you can do it and there are no limits but the ones we create for ourselves and whatever other Hallmark-y Special Olympics point they are trying to prove. So, yay? WSW lives to warble another treacly song. Oh, and “You can be artistic, just not on this show.” Thank you, Simon Cowell. Truer words were never spoken. Damn, Judge #4 really knows less than nothing about American Idol. Where did they find that fool?
Danny Gokey/PYT – I both hoped for and feared that someone would pick this song tonight. Thankfully, it landed in the hands of Danny and his dead wife (and thank the gods that they did not go there in the pre-package). However, Danny’s pre-package re-confirmed how much I do not understand white people. Do y’all just sit around your living rooms having hootenannies on the regular? C’mon. You can tell me. Anyway, forget about dead wives or badly pierced friends or whatever else you might hate about Danny Gokey, haters. The man can flat out B-L-O-W. He broke it down. He is at Jill Scott levels of “hate on me hater”. Just too good for the show’s bullshit pimping to bring down.
And it was so far, so good, right? Three up and even White Stevie wasn’t heinously bad, just supremely annoying. But for every peak, noodles, there must be a valley. And we were about to nosedive into a deep one.
Valleys
Michael Sarver/You Are Not Alone – Kittens, one should never, ever sing a song where the primary association is with a half nekkid Lisa Marie Presley. That is just MJ song picking rule #1. Nothing from the Lisa Marie era. And worse than that, one should never attempt to do impressive runs and fall completely off the notes. It was painful bad. Painful. The only thing more embarrassing was watching the judges break their necks trying to keep He-Man Oilman in the competition. I honestly don’t get why they’re pimping him so hard. Their unrelenting cheerleading had at least one upside. Paula hated it, but she still tried to find a way to pimp it. So she broke out “color” and she did that thing where she gets into the middle of a word and realizes that she doesn't really know what it means or how it connects to her next word. "Instinct . . . ually perfect" Delicious. New meds, Paula? You’re forever our girl.
Jasmine Murray/I’ll Be There – Who programmed the bot to pick the one song guaranteed to make me absolutely hate her? I get that she’s young and country and apparently her family can be of no help to her because they let the wardrobe fiends put her in a mini-caftan that only Mrs. Roper could love, but someone really needs to holler at this young’un and tell her that she’s not X-tina. Nope, not Mimi either. Nor Whitney. She’s a cute young girl with spackled on make up and an OK voice. Like second soloist in the church choir level good, which is absolutely good enough to establish a solid career as a pop artist in this, the age of Autotune. But y’all, she could never sing this song well enough to erase Mariah murdering it on MTV Unplugged. And she’s not deep enough to establish the sweet connection that you get from listening to the young MJ pour his heart and soul into this little ditty. So why was she wasting our time? It was fine. She was mostly in tune. The big notes were too big for her, as always. She’s just supremely boring. And btw, kiddies, the judges hate her. Even Paula called her out for being under the pitch in spots. I don’t understand why they put her on the show. Felicia could’ve put her foot in that song. What a waste of a Top 13 pick. Still cute as a button, though.
Side Note: I am going to love Glee almost more than is humanly possible and it's going to be cancelled after like 3 episodes and that is going to break my heart.
And now so far, not so good, no? I mean, I was seriously worried because Kris was coming up next and he already had issues with Man in the Mirror. It wasn’t looking so good for the kiddies or for your faithful recapper. But, to my surprise, we stumbled up another peak . . . and Kris sparked the turn around.
Peaks
Kris Allen/Do You Remember the Time – As Simon would point out later, the cute wife in the pre-package crushed many a young girl’s dream last night. But it’s only been five months. Plenty of time for that marriage to fall apart after he dumps her on his way to fame and fortune. Also, more hootenannies. Damn, white people. WTF? So the beginning sounded much better, didn’t it? He was getting his little funky on. He was doing so much better than his first go round with MJ and the guitar cut down on the geeky white boy dancing by at least 70%. And then, so sad. So tragic. He completely missed the notes on the break into the bridge and he just . . . started screaming. And didn’t stop. Until the very end of the song. And Judge #4 claimed that he missed a few notes? Try all of them in the back half of that song. Idiot. So, the judges still don’t care about this fool at all and they babbled and picked at each other like a monkey tribe grooming itself on the wide savannah. But whatever, this kid is young and cute and the first half of the song was rockin’. I’m pretty sure he’s good.
Alison Iraheta/Give In to Me – I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; I love this Manic Panic chola! And now I love her chulo family, too. Singing at La Curacao? It doesn’t get anymore East LA awesome than that. And the girl can straight up sing. She rocked the hell out of this little known MJ song. It was a perfect choice for her voice and her whole vibe. And out of the ladies last night, she looked the least crazy. The boots were hot, and the hairdresser might’ve gone a little bit crazy with the flat iron, but on the whole, the look was working. And she is too funny. I’m in love with her “Yeah, man.” I hope to hear much, much more of it as the season progresses.
And then we were peaking, right? We’re peaking and look there, around the corner was Anoop. Yay, Anoop! That’s gravy, no? Except, no. Kittens, I was heartbroken. I got concerned when I saw him in his Members Only jacket doing the Thriller dance. I feared the cheese. And then he brought the cheese. And his friend, Loud PR boy came right behind him with the government cheese. And before you know it, fucking Tattoo Sleeve showed up and we were deep in the valley.
Valleys
Anoop Desai/Beat It – Noodles, I still love Anoop. I love his pre-package. I love that he was the cutest baby ever. I love his parents being completely confused and culture shocked by the whole AI machine but totally supporting him in all the Anoop-y things he’s doing. And I don’t think the performance was nearly as bad as the judges made it out to be. Having said that, it was pretty bad. I mean, he was in tune for the most part. And he’s such a sexy, hot geek. But was it kinda corny? Kinda karaoke? Well, yeah. But on a night of Michael Sarvers and Megan Corkerys, this draws the judges ire? And Simon bitching about how they shouldn’t have even put him through to the Top 13? When you let Jasmine “Package Princess” Murray through? Yeah, the judges have lost their damn minds. If there’s any justice, Anoop will live to make them eat every one of those nasty words. But seriously, pick better songs, son.
Jorge Nunez/Never Can Say Goodbye – It was the definition of cheesy, 70’s lounge singer. And he went right back to being Loud PR Boy, screaming his way through the song and over emoting with the eyebrows and the out of control facial expressions and oh, my! Darlings, it was bad. He continued to display an adorable personality both in his stereotype re-affirming pre-package and his kind of broken English post-performance interview where he insisted that he couldn’t just jump on stage and sing Bad. (Although, come to think of it, that could have been totally awesome) He’s incredibly likeable and he made Paula say “mad love” which was wrong in all the right ways. But he shouldn’t be on this show.
Megan Corkery/Rockin’ Robin – We’re being punked, right? This is a joke. I don’t even have the strength anymore, family. It’s literally impossible for me to hate her more than I do at this very moment. Rockin’ Robin is a song you teach third graders to sing for their Spring Fling Pageant. It’s the kind of a song that’s not really a song. Like all of her songs have been. And she proceeded to sing it horribly, out of tune, screechily. My stars and garters, she even screeched “Caw caw” at the end of it! She has no lower register. She has no falsetto. She has no range. Yeah, she can’t sing. And she’s not all that beautiful. So, yes, Simon and the rest of the judges, we do think that you have gone completely nuts. Another wasted Top 13 slot. If she doesn’t go home this week (and I’m afraid she won’t go home this week, y’all) then next week Tattoo Sleeve has to pick a real song. One that requires actual singing. Ya heard?
And dammit, we were so deep in the valley at this point, I thought we’d never see daylight. But it’s always darkest before the dawn, no? And two contestants I love and one I hate made sure that we ended the first performance show of S8 on a peak.
Peaks
Adam Lambert/Black or White – I frikkin’ love this kid. All haters need to fall back. He’s has magic in those tight pants, noodles. Entertaining, can sing his butt off. Please recognize that this kid is the truth. There was nothing I didn’t love about that performance. It was by far the best of the night. He didn’t even need the pimp lighting. He probably has his own natural follow spot that just hangs around illuminating the magnificence that is him. As it should be. As it should be.
Matt Giraud/Human Nature – I have to give it to him. From his intro package with his beautifully mixed race family to his perfect song choice, to the way he tore it down on this song and brought that sexy JT/Robin Thicke thing and totally justified his out of proportion swagger. He was amazing. This performance was fire. And oh, how it burns. Bitterest gall. Goat voice worked it out. I reserve the right to resume hating him at any moment. But for now, strangé. He brought it the way it should be broughten.
Alexis Grace/Dirty Diana – Shutting it down in the pimp slot. Another perfect song choice. And I thoroughly enjoyed her performance. Drunk Paula continued to prove her mettle as the best judge of the season by noting that the song was slightly oversung, but really, it didn’t matter. She was great. And since they were overtime, the other judges didn’t get much of a chance to pile on. Alexis and her unreasonably cute baby and her black strapless bubble short onesie should easily live to see another day. She can really sing. And once she realizes that what makes great singers is their ability to provide a lot of different textures in their voices, to sing it low and sweet or hard and rough just like Ike and Tina promised us, she is going to really be a force. And kittens, she taught her baby to say “Seacrest out.” I will love her forever for that alone.
And then we were out. I don’t know what the surprise twist will be. I hope and pray that it’s not an SYTYCD style sing for your life as some have speculated because I’m more than ready to see the back of Jasmine and Tattoo Sleeve. We’ll see. I’m still holding out for death by strangulation and an end to the Karababble. Come on, Paula. I know you have it in you.
Until the pimpmercial, y’all.
Friday, March 6, 2009
American Idol S8 Semifinals Ep8 Ineluctability
Darlings, did we need to waste an hour of our night on AI when we could’ve been laying in provisions in anticipation of the best ABDC finale ever? I think not. The judges could’ve told us this Wildcard 4 at the end of Wednesday’s show. Or are we really supposed to believe that Paula could be distracted from contemplating which of the leopard print spots on her shirt was the prettiest long enough to critique, analyze and choose the top 4 from last night during the infinitesimally short commercial break? Silly Idol, tricks are for kids – and also for Ricky Braddy if his tight pants are to be believed. We had two good performances and one solid one, and of those three only one person made it through. But that one person was the right person, so I suppose that’s “Hurrah!” Let’s deal with the dregs of our semifinal rounds and then get excited for the return of one Miss Kelly Clarkson.
Hearting
Anouk (Anoop) Desai/My Prerogative – Now and forever. I heart Anoop. Did I want him to do this song again? Not really. Was it a huge improvement over the bitch song? Kittens, it is to laugh. He turned it out the first time, and he turned it even further out last night. For real, for real? This kid can sing. And he’s super entertaining. And he has swagger, what? 100% pure love. Which should totally be his next song choice. My little Anouk did not disappoint.
Jesse Langseth/Tell Me Something Good – This one was not as good as Bette Davis Eyes. The low notes in the song were a little bit too low for her voice, and in reaching for them, she managed to somehow fall under the pitch. But mad props to her for the song choice. It was a perfect fit for her voice and her whole vibe. And like Anoop, this little white girl has swagger. Confidence galore. If there were any justice, she’d be in the Top 13 over either Megan or Jasmine. But asking for fairness on this show is like asking for a blizzard in hell. At least she got to sing one more time on TV. Hope she enjoyed it.
Von Smith/Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word – I still love Von, but this was perhaps the worst song he could’ve chosen out of all of the songs in the universe. This song manages to be karaoke, cabaret and over the top theatrical all at the same time. And his performance managed to be sleepy and shouty all at the same time. He never once showed that he had the ability to give a performance that would make people pick up the phone and vote for him. And that’s why he’s going home. I still love this Shouty McShouterson, though.
And here’s where we must give a shout out to last night’s best judge . . . Ms. Paula Abdul. Y’all, I don’t know whether her survival instinct has kicked into high gear with the addition of Judge #4 or whether her handlers are just doing a better job of regulating her meds, but Paula has been a perfect blend of the insanely crazy and the voice of reason. She is ruling the judges’ panel this season. And I for one am loving it.
Ricky Braddy/Superstition – So most of the kids picked horrible songs last night, kiddies. And Paula’s broke face honeydip was no exception. Lucky for him, he has the chops to pull it off and vocally he sounded just as good as he always has since the judges let him out of the zero airtime closet. But noodles, let’s be frank. The skinny jeans were an issue, no? I know more about Ricky Braddy’s money maker than I ever wanted to know. He looked ridiculous. Only Adam Lambert can pull off pants that tight, and that’s only because he’s a walking ball of sex and candy. That look ensured that he was toast before he opened his mouth. Not even Paula’s chair dancing could save him.
Hating
Matt Giraud/Who’s Loving You – So last night he decided to look the part of the massive tool that he is. Kittens, I can’t even deal with him at all. The stupid little hat. The fuckin’ Michael Johns-ian scarves (plural!!!!). The ratty, stubbly mess that is his wannabe Justin goatee. He offends me on sooo many levels. That was his best performance ever and it was still overstuffed with vibrato and runs and smug attitude and blaccent and was cheesy as fuck. Judge #4 looooves him and Karababbled all over him, which is the best indication I know of that he is a massive poser. And this song was “in his bones” but last time we saw him Coldplay represented “who he wanted to be” as an artist? Tool and a douchebag. He cannot go home soon enough.
Megan Corkery/Black Horse and Cherry Tree – Tattoo Sleeve managed to find yet another song that doesn’t require any actual singing and sing it poorly to the point where the song almost defied recognition whilst twisting around doing her two year old potty dance. Y’all, do you think the judges are aware of how very much this girl can’t sing? Like, at all? Those “mes” in “You’re not the one for me” were just painful. Crimes against nature, kittens. Unspeakably bad. And Paula hated her. So delicious. But Randy and Judge #4 are all about the package artist this season and Simon wants to do her, so she got through. GIGO, Idol. That’s all I have to say. GIGO.
Jasmine Murray/Reflection – Jasmine will be getting the Chikeze Eze Memorial Pumpkin Pimp slot for those of you playing along at home. The show needed another person of color and she fits the bill, so sorry, Jesse. Thank you for playing. Because she surely didn’t get in on the strength of her rendition of perhaps the worst X-tina hit to come down the pipeline. As the judges all acknowledged, she doesn’t have the voice for this song. She strained and stretched and it was still way, way too big for her. It wasn’t a risk or a brave performance; it was bad. But she’s still cuter than a million Anne Geddes babies and she looks kinda like Gabrielle Union, so welcome to the Top 13, right?
Tatiana del Toro/Saving All My Love for You – This is the last time I will ever have to think aboutthis train wreck of a girl. There is a god and he/she/it is good. Tati D. sucks at life.
So, Matt G., Megan and Jasmine (the lucky losers) get in under the wire and Anoop takes his rightful place among the Top 13. Ready, steady, go, darlings. Next week promises Miss Kelly Clarkson and she’s apparently bringing along someone who can teach these kids a thing or two about being a complete tool. Oh hello, Kanye! Should be good times.
Hearting
Anouk (Anoop) Desai/My Prerogative – Now and forever. I heart Anoop. Did I want him to do this song again? Not really. Was it a huge improvement over the bitch song? Kittens, it is to laugh. He turned it out the first time, and he turned it even further out last night. For real, for real? This kid can sing. And he’s super entertaining. And he has swagger, what? 100% pure love. Which should totally be his next song choice. My little Anouk did not disappoint.
Jesse Langseth/Tell Me Something Good – This one was not as good as Bette Davis Eyes. The low notes in the song were a little bit too low for her voice, and in reaching for them, she managed to somehow fall under the pitch. But mad props to her for the song choice. It was a perfect fit for her voice and her whole vibe. And like Anoop, this little white girl has swagger. Confidence galore. If there were any justice, she’d be in the Top 13 over either Megan or Jasmine. But asking for fairness on this show is like asking for a blizzard in hell. At least she got to sing one more time on TV. Hope she enjoyed it.
Von Smith/Sorry Seems to Be the Hardest Word – I still love Von, but this was perhaps the worst song he could’ve chosen out of all of the songs in the universe. This song manages to be karaoke, cabaret and over the top theatrical all at the same time. And his performance managed to be sleepy and shouty all at the same time. He never once showed that he had the ability to give a performance that would make people pick up the phone and vote for him. And that’s why he’s going home. I still love this Shouty McShouterson, though.
And here’s where we must give a shout out to last night’s best judge . . . Ms. Paula Abdul. Y’all, I don’t know whether her survival instinct has kicked into high gear with the addition of Judge #4 or whether her handlers are just doing a better job of regulating her meds, but Paula has been a perfect blend of the insanely crazy and the voice of reason. She is ruling the judges’ panel this season. And I for one am loving it.
Ricky Braddy/Superstition – So most of the kids picked horrible songs last night, kiddies. And Paula’s broke face honeydip was no exception. Lucky for him, he has the chops to pull it off and vocally he sounded just as good as he always has since the judges let him out of the zero airtime closet. But noodles, let’s be frank. The skinny jeans were an issue, no? I know more about Ricky Braddy’s money maker than I ever wanted to know. He looked ridiculous. Only Adam Lambert can pull off pants that tight, and that’s only because he’s a walking ball of sex and candy. That look ensured that he was toast before he opened his mouth. Not even Paula’s chair dancing could save him.
Hating
Matt Giraud/Who’s Loving You – So last night he decided to look the part of the massive tool that he is. Kittens, I can’t even deal with him at all. The stupid little hat. The fuckin’ Michael Johns-ian scarves (plural!!!!). The ratty, stubbly mess that is his wannabe Justin goatee. He offends me on sooo many levels. That was his best performance ever and it was still overstuffed with vibrato and runs and smug attitude and blaccent and was cheesy as fuck. Judge #4 looooves him and Karababbled all over him, which is the best indication I know of that he is a massive poser. And this song was “in his bones” but last time we saw him Coldplay represented “who he wanted to be” as an artist? Tool and a douchebag. He cannot go home soon enough.
Megan Corkery/Black Horse and Cherry Tree – Tattoo Sleeve managed to find yet another song that doesn’t require any actual singing and sing it poorly to the point where the song almost defied recognition whilst twisting around doing her two year old potty dance. Y’all, do you think the judges are aware of how very much this girl can’t sing? Like, at all? Those “mes” in “You’re not the one for me” were just painful. Crimes against nature, kittens. Unspeakably bad. And Paula hated her. So delicious. But Randy and Judge #4 are all about the package artist this season and Simon wants to do her, so she got through. GIGO, Idol. That’s all I have to say. GIGO.
Jasmine Murray/Reflection – Jasmine will be getting the Chikeze Eze Memorial Pumpkin Pimp slot for those of you playing along at home. The show needed another person of color and she fits the bill, so sorry, Jesse. Thank you for playing. Because she surely didn’t get in on the strength of her rendition of perhaps the worst X-tina hit to come down the pipeline. As the judges all acknowledged, she doesn’t have the voice for this song. She strained and stretched and it was still way, way too big for her. It wasn’t a risk or a brave performance; it was bad. But she’s still cuter than a million Anne Geddes babies and she looks kinda like Gabrielle Union, so welcome to the Top 13, right?
Tatiana del Toro/Saving All My Love for You – This is the last time I will ever have to think aboutthis train wreck of a girl. There is a god and he/she/it is good. Tati D. sucks at life.
So, Matt G., Megan and Jasmine (the lucky losers) get in under the wire and Anoop takes his rightful place among the Top 13. Ready, steady, go, darlings. Next week promises Miss Kelly Clarkson and she’s apparently bringing along someone who can teach these kids a thing or two about being a complete tool. Oh hello, Kanye! Should be good times.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
American Idol S8 Semifinals Ep7 Give Me One Reason To Stay Here
The best way to deal with a crazy narcissist is to just ignore him. Starve him of the attention which is the very air he breathes. So Lil and Jorge, welcome to the Top 12. You are worthy based on your performances. White Stevie Wonder, the longer you stay, the greater the chance that the choreographers will be forced to let you move around during a group number, having exhausted their ability to incorporate chair dancing into the musical number. May the gaping maw of the swaybot pit swallow you whole.
As for the wildcard, Von, Ricky, Jesse and Anoop - Woo to the motherfuckin' hoo! We'll have great additions to our Top 12 with any combination of these four. Tattoo Sleeve, Goat Voice boy and Tati D. will do their damnedest to be the death of this show, each in his/her own special way. And I will try like hell to pretend that each of them is not even there. Jasmine skated in buoyed by Judge #4's obssession with packages. That said, I loved this girl once upon a time and hope that she can recapture some of the magic. Ju'not and Felicia got jobbed, but you already knew that, noodles. And what happened to 12? Not even 9? What's up with the 8? I know it used to be 8 back in the day, but then again, it used to be 8 in all the rounds. We had 12 this year. Give me my 12 wild cards. Ah well, the judges probably would've used the extra spaces to put through Nick/Norman, Nathaniel, and Arianna apparently? (Most bizarre internet rumor ever!) I guess we're better off with 8.
The show was ridiculous. I'm tired and I'm ready for the Kodak. One more day.
As for the wildcard, Von, Ricky, Jesse and Anoop - Woo to the motherfuckin' hoo! We'll have great additions to our Top 12 with any combination of these four. Tattoo Sleeve, Goat Voice boy and Tati D. will do their damnedest to be the death of this show, each in his/her own special way. And I will try like hell to pretend that each of them is not even there. Jasmine skated in buoyed by Judge #4's obssession with packages. That said, I loved this girl once upon a time and hope that she can recapture some of the magic. Ju'not and Felicia got jobbed, but you already knew that, noodles. And what happened to 12? Not even 9? What's up with the 8? I know it used to be 8 back in the day, but then again, it used to be 8 in all the rounds. We had 12 this year. Give me my 12 wild cards. Ah well, the judges probably would've used the extra spaces to put through Nick/Norman, Nathaniel, and Arianna apparently? (Most bizarre internet rumor ever!) I guess we're better off with 8.
The show was ridiculous. I'm tired and I'm ready for the Kodak. One more day.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
American Idol S8 Semifinals Ep5 And the Shouty Shall Inherit the Earth
I apologize, Group Three. You all brought it more than any other dozen AI-lettes.
Kittens, I was entertained tonight. At least, by our contestants. Judge #4 continued to be a succubus on the show's soul and the judge's banter tonight was even more inane than usual. And the egregious pimping of White Stevie Wonder was . . . well, egregious. But since we have about 117 million hours of AI to get through this week, I need to pace myself on the hating. For tonight, I am content. And I have no idea who'll be getting their silver stools tomorrow, which I love. Let's get rid of the non-factors chop chop and then dig in to a surprisingly long list of contenders.
So Long and Thanks for Playing
Taylor Vaifanua/If I Ain't Got You - The fall of the giantess was heartbreaking, wasn't it kiddies? The song started waaayyy too low for her and it sat uncomfortably on her voice from the jump. She was hitting most of the notes, although there were a couple of places where she went painfully out of tune and really scraped against that lower register. Also, she was dressed like an insane bag lady from the 23rd century. Simon was right, as usual. First, that Judge #4 was talking out of her ass yet again; and second that the performance was serviceable yet forgettable. Sigh. I was rooting for the giantess.
Alex Wagner Trugman/I Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues - He's adorable, y'all, and I actually had kind of high hopes when the song choice was revealed because he had that kind of geek soul thing going on in his first round audition. Oh, I so wanted him to do well, noodles, because as we all know, I heart geeks. And the beginning wasn't horrible, but then . . . the growl. Oh, sweet merciful Simon, the growl came out. And then he got a little bit excited and the whole song got away from him. Ah, well. It could've been fun for a couple three weeks to have this fool hanging around, but let's face it, he was never going to be your American Idol. Paula's already given him the going away/glad you had fun speech.
Side not: The Karababble was out of control, was it not? "Do you." Do you? Immediate fail.
Heartbreakers those two. Truth be told, kittens, I wouldn't mind both of them getting another shot in the wild card round, Taylor being perhaps a little bit more deserving than Alex.
Arianna Afsar/The Winner Takes It All - Even after she sang, I still did not remember her at all from the earlier rounds. She is very cute, but she sounded like fried ass and she's going home now. Did she hold any note longer than a hot second? Was she ever in tune for even a minute of that song? Nope, she got lost in her delusions of Mimi. How bad was it? Even her parents knew she sucked. Did you see their faces? And Paula was so sweet and such a humongous liar. It was bad, y'all.
Nathaniel Marshall/I Would Do Anything for Love - I was tired already before he even sang a note. He and Tati D. and frikkin' Nick/Norman have done all they can for the last several weeks to ruin my enjoyment of my favorite show and I'm just so done with the lot of them. Nate and his booger nose piercing and his teeny, tiny headband and too tight pants and whole "too gay to function" vibe were just really more than I could take. And then he went and sang Meatloaf, noodles. Why? Why? When you are already the world's biggest drama queen, why would you sing that song? This entire song is a joke. Oh, well. He'll be great on the float in next year's Pride Parade. He never had the voice to pull this song off. Say what you will about Meatloaf, but he can blow the doors off. Nate at best has a voice fit for the Spokane Dinner Theater, which only Paula had the gumption to actually say (what?) while the rest of the judges prattled on about how entertained they were. Whatever, he's not an Idol and he'll soon be gone taking Nick/Norman and Tati with him. They can forge their own ridiculously melodramatic group for current and reformed queens.
Side Note: Simon, Randy and Judge #4 making fun of Paula and her "photographic" memory about past audition rounds? Yeah, fuck that noise. That's what you get paid for idiots. You three might want to get on that.
And amazingly, that's really it for the bad performances. Everyone else did enough that a seat on the silver stools of safety would not be completely out of left field (even the ones I didn't care for) putting the group three semifinals miles ahead of groups one and two. Here come the contenders.
Hating Corner: Well Played
I grudgingly give it up to you.
Kristen McNamara/Give Me One Reason to Stay Here - Kittens, she sounded exactly like what she is. No, not a horribly dressed mental patient who had escaped from her sanitarium on the day that her therapy group was poised to put on a production of Alice in Wonderland with her in the lead role. Like a karaoke host. She could easily fool a bar full of half drunk party goers into thinking her voice is awesome. But talking through a Tracy Chapman song is not enough to make it onto the show. She was in tune and she wasn't screaming too much, so there's that. Funnily enough, at the point in the show when she performed, she was the best girl by far. And she was charming and self deprecating both in her interview package and in her post-performance Ryan-terview. That could garner some sympathy votes. Sadly for Kristen, there were better singers and more shameless vote whoring to come, so I doubt she'll make it through. She may've done enough for a wild card, though. We'll see.
Kendall Barbie/This One's for the Girls - I hated her on site. I've hated her every time I've seen her on my screen. This show was no exception. And ain't no way she can sing like Martina McBride. This song ate her lunch. She has absolutely no breath control. Aren't these kids getting vocal coaching at this point? It doesn't show. At. All. The performance was hideous. That said, I guess they have to have a "country" girl and she's really no worse than the Colonel or the Pickle. And I mean, look no farther than He-Man Oilman over Anoop to believe in the power of the redneck block. She's another one I wouldn't be surprised to see sneak into the top 12. For some reason, I don't think the judges will give her a wild card. Well, maybe Judge #4 because she likes her package. We'll see whether were stuck with Colonel 2.0 by Thursday, won't we?
White Stevie Wonder/Mandolin Rain - Sigh. I'm so over him, y'all. Of course, I was never really under him, though, so there you go. But from the jump, this fool had a great song, though I had no doubt he'd not do it justice. And damn if that fool didn't sway and careen and work the stage with his creepy, creepy thousand yard stare all while singing this supremely melodic slice of white boy soul song like a Jesus camp counselor. I was hoping he'd fall off the stage if only to provide a modicum of entertainment value. Listen, this kid's a piano bar singer. I would love to hear him while attending a champagne brunch. And if he weren't blind, Simon would've already unleashed the "cabaret" on him and called him out for being boring. But since he's blind, we must treat him like a cripple. The judges should not be allowed to grade on a curve just because this fool is 'flicted. And despite the Karababble, issues with the vocal DO matter in a singing competition. All the gods! Does she even watch this show? And it doesn't even matter, noodles, because he's so getting on the show. At least my dream of his falling into the swaybot pit lives on. And I get to see more of his fine ass hot brother. Hi, hot brother! Call me!
Nice Surprise
Jun'ot Joyner/Hey There Delilah - As the surprsingly lucid (for her) Ms. Abdul pointed out, here was an instance where repeating a song really paid off. I love how Juno't completely changed up this song. He could put that version out right now and have a hit on "urban" radio. And the vocals were really, really pristine and quite lovely. He brought the funny in the Ryan-terview and in this, the season of the cute baby off, he possesses one of the cutest babies ever!! Sadly, I just don't know if that song and that performance is what will get the tweens speed dialing and bring in a lot of votes. I think if Jun'ot is going to lay claim to the Chikeze Eze Memorial Pumpkin Pimp slot, he's going to have to rely on the judges' whims. At least, they seem to like him.
Side Note: Jun'ot's mother and his wife are creatures. Oh good lord. Where on earth did this extremely beauty challenged family get that marvelous baby from? I hear hell is lovely this time of year. Won't you join me?
Felicia Barton/No One - The great mystery revealed herself to be a solidly good singer and, perhaps more importantly, a saavy competitor. Choosing to sing her youtube sensation song was inspired. Lack of early screen time can be killer, and she must be awared of just how many people have peeped her singing on some Jersey Shore boardwalk. Smart choice. And she started out breaking it the hell on down. Sadly, she fell completely off the note on that first part of the first chorus and she never quite got it back. I thought she was one of the best of the night, but that performances was nowhere near as good as her youtube vid. If it weren't for Lil, I'd say she'd get the girl spot. As it is, I don't think she quite did enough to pull out the upset. Well done, nevertheless, kiddies.
Screamers Anonymous
Amazingly, three of the most inveterate Shouty McShoutersons in the competition today suddenly discovered the virtue of restraint and in doing so pulled out pretty spectacular performances. Whether they can keep it up if they reach the top 12 is debateable, but for now, they were far and away the best of the night.
Von Smith /You're All I Need to Get By - Kittens, you know that all I wanted in the world was for Von to stop shouting at me and let me hear that magnificent instrument he's got. And what does he say in his intro package? That he doesn't want to be known as the kid who can't stop shouting at people. Needless to say, I was enthralled. But could he really learn to turn the volume down and just sing the damn song? Well, darlings, the proof was in the pudding, no? He learned how to stop shouting all the time and turned into someone made of awesome. Oh,my. Words fail to describe how much I enjoyed one Von Smith. He was soulful, tuneful and delightful. I always maintained that this kid could blow, and lo, I have been proven correct. He was a lovely surprise and the first solid performance in the #1 spot of the whole semifinals. If there's justice, Von will be copping a squat on a silver stool tomorrow.
Jorge Nunez/Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me - And Von should be joined on the stools by Loud PR Boy. What? Heaven knows I hated this fool. And Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me is tailor made to go so far over the top that you loop back again to being almost subdued. But wow. Wow! He sounded amazing right out of the box. Y'all, when did the shouty fools learn to stop shouting? Jorge, formerly Loud, now Awesome PR Boy blew me away. That was really beautiful and . . . restrained. My whole world is turned upside down. I liked loud PR boy. And he was so cute during the Ryan-terview as the judges all turned into raving lunatics and racist assholes. Awww. Y'all, they totally turned me around on loud PR boy. I kind of loved him.
Lil Rounds/Be Without You - In the pimp slot. And as usual she didn't even need it. I wish the show would have a little faith in its audience. Just a pinch. So anway, this is a big song. Mary J. is no joke. And Lil put it down. That's it. She put it down. And she looked amazing. That woman has had three children, kittens. She deserves a spot in the top 12 for that alone. Yep, I still love Lil Rounds. Sadly, the backlash will be extreme. I can definitely see her falling to Felicia Barton in a "shocker". Of course, the judges would totally put her through on a wildcard, but the show better watch out or else they'll wind up with another J. Hud or Latoya on their hands.
So that's it, and who moves on is anyone's guess. The first whiff of excitement during the whole semifinals. This is a good sign. Let's see if they can maintain it over the next two days.
Kittens, I was entertained tonight. At least, by our contestants. Judge #4 continued to be a succubus on the show's soul and the judge's banter tonight was even more inane than usual. And the egregious pimping of White Stevie Wonder was . . . well, egregious. But since we have about 117 million hours of AI to get through this week, I need to pace myself on the hating. For tonight, I am content. And I have no idea who'll be getting their silver stools tomorrow, which I love. Let's get rid of the non-factors chop chop and then dig in to a surprisingly long list of contenders.
So Long and Thanks for Playing
Taylor Vaifanua/If I Ain't Got You - The fall of the giantess was heartbreaking, wasn't it kiddies? The song started waaayyy too low for her and it sat uncomfortably on her voice from the jump. She was hitting most of the notes, although there were a couple of places where she went painfully out of tune and really scraped against that lower register. Also, she was dressed like an insane bag lady from the 23rd century. Simon was right, as usual. First, that Judge #4 was talking out of her ass yet again; and second that the performance was serviceable yet forgettable. Sigh. I was rooting for the giantess.
Alex Wagner Trugman/I Guess That's Why They Call It the Blues - He's adorable, y'all, and I actually had kind of high hopes when the song choice was revealed because he had that kind of geek soul thing going on in his first round audition. Oh, I so wanted him to do well, noodles, because as we all know, I heart geeks. And the beginning wasn't horrible, but then . . . the growl. Oh, sweet merciful Simon, the growl came out. And then he got a little bit excited and the whole song got away from him. Ah, well. It could've been fun for a couple three weeks to have this fool hanging around, but let's face it, he was never going to be your American Idol. Paula's already given him the going away/glad you had fun speech.
Side not: The Karababble was out of control, was it not? "Do you." Do you? Immediate fail.
Heartbreakers those two. Truth be told, kittens, I wouldn't mind both of them getting another shot in the wild card round, Taylor being perhaps a little bit more deserving than Alex.
Arianna Afsar/The Winner Takes It All - Even after she sang, I still did not remember her at all from the earlier rounds. She is very cute, but she sounded like fried ass and she's going home now. Did she hold any note longer than a hot second? Was she ever in tune for even a minute of that song? Nope, she got lost in her delusions of Mimi. How bad was it? Even her parents knew she sucked. Did you see their faces? And Paula was so sweet and such a humongous liar. It was bad, y'all.
Nathaniel Marshall/I Would Do Anything for Love - I was tired already before he even sang a note. He and Tati D. and frikkin' Nick/Norman have done all they can for the last several weeks to ruin my enjoyment of my favorite show and I'm just so done with the lot of them. Nate and his booger nose piercing and his teeny, tiny headband and too tight pants and whole "too gay to function" vibe were just really more than I could take. And then he went and sang Meatloaf, noodles. Why? Why? When you are already the world's biggest drama queen, why would you sing that song? This entire song is a joke. Oh, well. He'll be great on the float in next year's Pride Parade. He never had the voice to pull this song off. Say what you will about Meatloaf, but he can blow the doors off. Nate at best has a voice fit for the Spokane Dinner Theater, which only Paula had the gumption to actually say (what?) while the rest of the judges prattled on about how entertained they were. Whatever, he's not an Idol and he'll soon be gone taking Nick/Norman and Tati with him. They can forge their own ridiculously melodramatic group for current and reformed queens.
Side Note: Simon, Randy and Judge #4 making fun of Paula and her "photographic" memory about past audition rounds? Yeah, fuck that noise. That's what you get paid for idiots. You three might want to get on that.
And amazingly, that's really it for the bad performances. Everyone else did enough that a seat on the silver stools of safety would not be completely out of left field (even the ones I didn't care for) putting the group three semifinals miles ahead of groups one and two. Here come the contenders.
Hating Corner: Well Played
I grudgingly give it up to you.
Kristen McNamara/Give Me One Reason to Stay Here - Kittens, she sounded exactly like what she is. No, not a horribly dressed mental patient who had escaped from her sanitarium on the day that her therapy group was poised to put on a production of Alice in Wonderland with her in the lead role. Like a karaoke host. She could easily fool a bar full of half drunk party goers into thinking her voice is awesome. But talking through a Tracy Chapman song is not enough to make it onto the show. She was in tune and she wasn't screaming too much, so there's that. Funnily enough, at the point in the show when she performed, she was the best girl by far. And she was charming and self deprecating both in her interview package and in her post-performance Ryan-terview. That could garner some sympathy votes. Sadly for Kristen, there were better singers and more shameless vote whoring to come, so I doubt she'll make it through. She may've done enough for a wild card, though. We'll see.
Kendall Barbie/This One's for the Girls - I hated her on site. I've hated her every time I've seen her on my screen. This show was no exception. And ain't no way she can sing like Martina McBride. This song ate her lunch. She has absolutely no breath control. Aren't these kids getting vocal coaching at this point? It doesn't show. At. All. The performance was hideous. That said, I guess they have to have a "country" girl and she's really no worse than the Colonel or the Pickle. And I mean, look no farther than He-Man Oilman over Anoop to believe in the power of the redneck block. She's another one I wouldn't be surprised to see sneak into the top 12. For some reason, I don't think the judges will give her a wild card. Well, maybe Judge #4 because she likes her package. We'll see whether were stuck with Colonel 2.0 by Thursday, won't we?
White Stevie Wonder/Mandolin Rain - Sigh. I'm so over him, y'all. Of course, I was never really under him, though, so there you go. But from the jump, this fool had a great song, though I had no doubt he'd not do it justice. And damn if that fool didn't sway and careen and work the stage with his creepy, creepy thousand yard stare all while singing this supremely melodic slice of white boy soul song like a Jesus camp counselor. I was hoping he'd fall off the stage if only to provide a modicum of entertainment value. Listen, this kid's a piano bar singer. I would love to hear him while attending a champagne brunch. And if he weren't blind, Simon would've already unleashed the "cabaret" on him and called him out for being boring. But since he's blind, we must treat him like a cripple. The judges should not be allowed to grade on a curve just because this fool is 'flicted. And despite the Karababble, issues with the vocal DO matter in a singing competition. All the gods! Does she even watch this show? And it doesn't even matter, noodles, because he's so getting on the show. At least my dream of his falling into the swaybot pit lives on. And I get to see more of his fine ass hot brother. Hi, hot brother! Call me!
Nice Surprise
Jun'ot Joyner/Hey There Delilah - As the surprsingly lucid (for her) Ms. Abdul pointed out, here was an instance where repeating a song really paid off. I love how Juno't completely changed up this song. He could put that version out right now and have a hit on "urban" radio. And the vocals were really, really pristine and quite lovely. He brought the funny in the Ryan-terview and in this, the season of the cute baby off, he possesses one of the cutest babies ever!! Sadly, I just don't know if that song and that performance is what will get the tweens speed dialing and bring in a lot of votes. I think if Jun'ot is going to lay claim to the Chikeze Eze Memorial Pumpkin Pimp slot, he's going to have to rely on the judges' whims. At least, they seem to like him.
Side Note: Jun'ot's mother and his wife are creatures. Oh good lord. Where on earth did this extremely beauty challenged family get that marvelous baby from? I hear hell is lovely this time of year. Won't you join me?
Felicia Barton/No One - The great mystery revealed herself to be a solidly good singer and, perhaps more importantly, a saavy competitor. Choosing to sing her youtube sensation song was inspired. Lack of early screen time can be killer, and she must be awared of just how many people have peeped her singing on some Jersey Shore boardwalk. Smart choice. And she started out breaking it the hell on down. Sadly, she fell completely off the note on that first part of the first chorus and she never quite got it back. I thought she was one of the best of the night, but that performances was nowhere near as good as her youtube vid. If it weren't for Lil, I'd say she'd get the girl spot. As it is, I don't think she quite did enough to pull out the upset. Well done, nevertheless, kiddies.
Screamers Anonymous
Amazingly, three of the most inveterate Shouty McShoutersons in the competition today suddenly discovered the virtue of restraint and in doing so pulled out pretty spectacular performances. Whether they can keep it up if they reach the top 12 is debateable, but for now, they were far and away the best of the night.
Von Smith /You're All I Need to Get By - Kittens, you know that all I wanted in the world was for Von to stop shouting at me and let me hear that magnificent instrument he's got. And what does he say in his intro package? That he doesn't want to be known as the kid who can't stop shouting at people. Needless to say, I was enthralled. But could he really learn to turn the volume down and just sing the damn song? Well, darlings, the proof was in the pudding, no? He learned how to stop shouting all the time and turned into someone made of awesome. Oh,my. Words fail to describe how much I enjoyed one Von Smith. He was soulful, tuneful and delightful. I always maintained that this kid could blow, and lo, I have been proven correct. He was a lovely surprise and the first solid performance in the #1 spot of the whole semifinals. If there's justice, Von will be copping a squat on a silver stool tomorrow.
Jorge Nunez/Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me - And Von should be joined on the stools by Loud PR Boy. What? Heaven knows I hated this fool. And Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me is tailor made to go so far over the top that you loop back again to being almost subdued. But wow. Wow! He sounded amazing right out of the box. Y'all, when did the shouty fools learn to stop shouting? Jorge, formerly Loud, now Awesome PR Boy blew me away. That was really beautiful and . . . restrained. My whole world is turned upside down. I liked loud PR boy. And he was so cute during the Ryan-terview as the judges all turned into raving lunatics and racist assholes. Awww. Y'all, they totally turned me around on loud PR boy. I kind of loved him.
Lil Rounds/Be Without You - In the pimp slot. And as usual she didn't even need it. I wish the show would have a little faith in its audience. Just a pinch. So anway, this is a big song. Mary J. is no joke. And Lil put it down. That's it. She put it down. And she looked amazing. That woman has had three children, kittens. She deserves a spot in the top 12 for that alone. Yep, I still love Lil Rounds. Sadly, the backlash will be extreme. I can definitely see her falling to Felicia Barton in a "shocker". Of course, the judges would totally put her through on a wildcard, but the show better watch out or else they'll wind up with another J. Hud or Latoya on their hands.
So that's it, and who moves on is anyone's guess. The first whiff of excitement during the whole semifinals. This is a good sign. Let's see if they can maintain it over the next two days.
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