American Idol S10 Finals Ep1 Triskaidekaphobia

So clearly the hos and trannys decided to celebrate the start of the S10 Finals by going back on the pipe, no? JLo. Ay, mami. The lipstick? That shade of red? Perhaps a tad too bright? And Ryan? The suit? A little too short, tight, shiny? After all, we’re not Frau Klum-Seal, are we? Let’s think about that. And Steven Tyler? No sheer, see through anything. No. Noodles, in that blouse and those drugstore bifocals, I wouldn’t put it past Steven Tyler to be going through menopause and really have a need for that fan. Lauren A. still looks like 100 year old trailer trash and all the rest of the girls wore their prom dresses. Fashion carnage up on that stage. But enough of that, because these little famewhores were here to sing for our amusement. And were we amused, kittens? Well, given the non-theme theme of “Sing a song by your own personal Idol”, it could have been worse. Let’s see who shone and who succumbed to a bad case of triskaidekaphobia.


Liked the Song Choice, Liked the Performance:

Casey Abrams/With a Little Help From My Friends/Joe Cocker – Hmmm, I’m not sure I believe Joe Cocker is one of Casey’s personal Idols, but The Wonder Years story was very cute. Darlings, this was kind of an expected choice for him. I was pretty sure that he could turn this out. And damn. This kid just has a sweet, sweet tone to his voice. And he got the first pimp choir of the season. (It was more special before we know there’d be another one along in a few minutes, no? But we take the little victories where we can, noodles) He did a really nice job with that song. Not too shouty over the top. A few notes off key here and there, but much more controlled than his last outing. And he’s just got it. The what-it-is-ness. He’s the business, this kid. He’s the business. A rainbow of talent and a plethora of passion. Oh, Steven Tyler. Never ever change. And, kiddies, was that RyRy getting a dig in on Jenny? Guess there’s only room for one diva on this block.

Pia Toscano/All By Myself/Celine Dion – Getting the Coca Cola stools of pimp-dom interview? Darlings, she must’ve really gotten up there in the votes last week. And this girl really wants to establish herself as a belter, no? This song is no joke. Girly really believes she can bring it. (Side note: Why did the tranny’s staple that sad piece of cream fabric to her back?) She sounded really good here. She’s no Celine. Let’s be honest. But she has a pleasing tone. The first “anymore” kind of got away from her, but that gets away from everyone who is not Celine. And she did much, much better with the last “anymore”. All around, that was a good showing on a song that has swallowed lesser AI contestants whole. I’m impressed. Two weeks in a row she brings really solid vocals. I want her to not sing a ballad now. Don’t you, kiddies? And Steven Tyler totally busted out the show’s dirty little secret that they are not doing the show live this year by giving her props on International Women’s Day. Ha! (I hate that development, btw. Hate. Hate. Haaaattteeee! I’m so glad it will be gone next week)

James Durbin/Maybe I’m Amazed/Paul McCartney – I love this song but I loathe this kid. Caught on the horns of a dilemma, noodles. Truism: Wallet chain = Douche. Learn it. Live it. Love it. Other than that, he sounded not terrible. I find I enjoy him more when I don’t have to look at him. And the scream worked when he unleashed it strategically. That was lovely. I must give credit where it’s due. He was even less squinty this week. Of course, he ruined it all with the ridiculous audience antics. He has not earned the right to any of that yet. Such a douche. But a really pretty voice. Family, he’s truly a worthy successor to the Gokey throne.

Scotty McCreery/The River/Garth Brooks – Now here’s what you call a great song choice! Oh, my word, do I love this song. And I thought he would destroy it. And y’all, he did an OK job with this song. Nonetheless, I thought he’d actually crush it more than he did. He definitely got into the performance more when the band dropped out, but his voice lacked a little support. He couldn’t really get up there and power it through. It was good but not great. And absent continued amounts of crazy producer manipulation of the weekly themes, this is going to be the last week he can kind of rest in his comfort zone like he’s been doing. He’s going to have to do something different, so Randy’s whole don’t change it rant is ridiculous. Also, kiddies? I don’t even know what Steven Tyler said right here. Not even gonna front. It must’ve been stupid because it got a “Yeah, yeah, yeah” from the Dawg.

Performance Fine, Song Choice Questionable:

Lauren Alaina/Any Man of Mine/Shania Twain – I can believe that Shania is her personal Idol because she is 1700 years old but this was not the best song choice for her. This girl has a great voice and Shania doesn’t and all Shania songs are built around the fact that she can’t really sing. Especially the upbeat ones. I mean, kittens, I get why Lauren A. wanted to do something fun and upbeat, but Man . . . I Feel Like a Woman would’ve been a better choice. JLo and Steven Tyler basically told her that it was a lazy performance. And it was so, so true. She should be thanking the Baby Jesus that she’s been so relentlessly pimped all these weeks because going first and doing a sleepy rendition of a not great song can get your ass sent home in the Most. Shocking. Elimination. Ever. before you even know it. And who couldn’t have guessed that the Dawg would drop names and bring up Mutt Lange, who is a dirty cheater and it was so awkward and he basically said what JLo and Steven Tyler said better than him a minute before and good lord, why is he still here and still talking? And Lauren needs to quit with the Peaches and the pouty, baby faces and little girl voice immediately. That shit is going to turn America right off. Not a great start to the show, kiddies. Given that, it’s kind of amazing it turned out as well as it did.

Haley Reinhart/Blue/LeAnn Rhimes – Huh. I Wouldn’t have pegged LeAnn Rhimes as her personal Idol. Would you, darlings? And would you really want to choose a song by a noted home wrecker as your first impression on the AI stage? And it’s such a stylized choice. And I don’t think anyone had this one pegged as country. Despite all that, Haley did a damn fine job with this song. Paradoxically, I feel like all the vocal tics built into this song really helped rein her in a little bit and made her less of a note killer. That was another absolutely gorgeous performance. Wow. I don’t think she’s ever sung that well. Randy’s full of shit, as per usual darlings. That wasn’t boring. It’s fine to just stand there and sing the hell out of a song provided you can deliver. And she delivered.

Stefano Langone/Lately/Stevie Wonder – Polow Da Don. Again, I say wow. Big producers. Big names. Love this song. I had $5.00 that this version would be more Jodeci than Stevie and I have never been so happy to be wrong. Polow Da Don gave him a genius arrangement of this song. He knew Stefano doesn’t have a round enough tone to carry this song off if he’d tried to sing it as a straight ballad. It was a great decision to bring the song up tempo because it helped to hide the fact that his voice is a little thin. He could just ride the dance groove and show off the fact that he was really on key. He avoided getting compared to Stevie or Jodeci who are obviously better singers than he is. He definitely justified his wildcard. I don’t think he has the voice to go all the way in this competition, darlings, but he certainly has enough to make the tour which would be a really good result for him.

Song Choice Questionable, Performance Also Questionable:

Jacob Lusk/I Believe I Can Fly/R. Kelly – So he got the Coca Cola pimp-terview treatment as well. It was cute until Ry Ry got uncomfy with the wet room. Sigh. Noodles, this song choice was so expected. Cue pimp chorus in 3, 2, 1. As soon as they revealed that he’d be singing this classic from Space Jam, I knew there was about to be a festival of oversinging and gospel hand throwing up on that stage. I’m so tired of this one. So, the verse was beautiful. The key change into the chorus was so, so off. It sounded like ass. It got better when he was able to play off the totally predictable pimp chorus and really get into those falsetto glory notes. And of course it ended with the gospel hand. Of course it did. Just no. There’s nothing current about this kid. Family, if this were the early 90’s and MJ were still making movies, then maybe he could become a star. But who do you hear on the radio right now who’s sing music like this? Even on Urban Contemporary radio? Exactly. And thank god for Randy for calling this fool out on falling completely off the melody when he attempted the key change into the chorus because that shit was foul and JLo and Steven Tyler acted like it didn’t even happen. Dammit. The show keeps making me agree with Randy. Kittens, you know how angry that makes me.

Naima Adedapo/Umbrella/Rhianna – I do not get this as a song choice for her and ain’t no way in hell I buy that Rhianna is her musical Idol. What producer is up Rhianna’s ass? For real. Did she just sign with Interscope or something? Is Randy getting’ it in? Because they have been on her jock this season and I just . . . I’m struggling with it. Autotune Idol? She was dancing around the notes but mostly on pitch at the beginning. And the reggae break was just weird. You know, kiddies, she was just trying to do a little too much with all the dance breaks. She doesn’t have the breath control for all that just yet. I appreciate what she was going for, but she has yet to establish herself as a good enough singer for all that. The crowd booed him, but Steven Tyler was right. She had terrible pitch problems once she got winded. And JLo might want to discount that, but this is still a singing competition. You have to sing well to win. She has an adorable personality and her interview with Ryan was super cute. (She can overstand y’all!) But this was not a pimp slot worthy performance.

Everything Just Ass:

Ashthon Jones/When You Tell Me that You Love Me/Diana Ross –This girl is still not Miss Ross. And with so many great Diana songs, this is the one they go with? This song? Alright then. Somebody must want her to go home. And she was off from note one. Note one. She got closer to the pitch as she went along but as soon as she went for the big, power notes, she got sharp once again. And where was the high note that was higher than she’d ever sung? Darlings, I can’t believe they dug Berry Gordy away from his Sisyphean quest to remain relevant for that. It was boring and I was bored and it was not all that well sung. The judgery did their level best to try to make the most of their booty wildcard choice. Alright, I’m over it. Kittens, I revoke the what-it-is-ness. JLo looked sooo disappointed. We are, too, JLo. We are too.

Paul McDonald/Come Pick Me Up/Ryan Adams – This was one of the few picks that made sense as an inspiration. Noodles, right off the bat you could tell this was in the wrong key for him, no? Way too low. He was really scraping along the bottom of his lower register which made the nasally quality to his voice unpleasant rather than quirky. And the herky jerky dancing and the smile just looked uncomfortable rather than endearing because it was clear that he knew he was fucking it up right royally. Steven Tyler nailed it, in his own inimitable way, by calling that fool out on not putting the song in the right key. That’s some basic, basic shit right there. And when he tried to bust on JLo for not knowing Ryan Adams? Bitch, please. I’m sorry JLo is not cool enough for your school. Eww. Kittens, he did not come off well right there. But who came along to save the day? Why only the best reality show host in the business bar none. I loved Ryan cracking on his spastic dance moves. A mood lightener was needed and he provided. Ryan’s so good at his job, y’all.

Thia Megia/Smile/Michael Jackson – I don’t believe that MJ is really her Idol. I smell the SiNi all over this pick. And darlings, it was a horrible pick for her. She’s been doing nothing but pageant girl songs and she really needs to stop. It’s creepy. This performance was so, so boring. I just do not get this girl at all. She’s such a cipher. Was there any excitement? Pizazz? Would anyone be motivated to pick up a phone for that? Where’s Simon with his cracks about lounge singers and cruise ships when you need him? And the judges just refuse to bring it to this girl like it should be broughten. Kittens, it was not good. And she’s so robotic. Family, is this girl on drugs? Is she just a little slow? What is it? Why is she so low energy? I hate her. No, you know what? I don’t even care enough about her to hate her. She can go home any time now.

Karen Rodriguez/I Could Fall In Love/Selena – I get and believe that Karen loves Selena, but wow, I thought this was a horrible song choice for her. Way too much opportunity to take it to the pageant place. On this night, though, pageant was not what laid this girl low. No, right out the box, she was off. She was the poster child for pitchy. She was searching for the right note and just not finding it at all. Is she sick? Because she was much, much better than this last week. The low notes were painful and she was just under the pitch in general. Crazy vibrato all over the place. And no. No power in the part of the song that needed power. And she had no breath support so it got all screechy. JLo took it to the patented Paula “You look so beautiful” place, so you knew shit was about to get real. And then she basically had to break it down for the wannabe Lati-diva and tell her she sang like ass. Off on the low notes and off on the high notes, too. So that’s just off then? Noodles, everybody knows she’s a heartbeat away from going home tomorrow, right?

That’s a Wrap

All in all, not a bad night. Based on what we saw on the live to tape broadcast, here’s how I expect things to shake out:

Totally Safe:

Lauren, Casey, Pia, James, Jacob, Scotty

Likely Safe, But Ryan Will Fuck With Them Tomorrow:

Haley, Stefano Naima

Should Be In More Trouble Than I Think They Will Be:

Paul, Thia,

Will Likely Be In Danger Of Going Home Tomorrow:

Karen, Ashthon

Will Go:

Ashthon

Glambert on results night tomorrow?  Kittens, I won't even care if my predictions are wrong.