Vegas Week!! And welcome to the drama factory, some of which
was real but most of which was really? My notes were totally scattered and I
didn’t know half these kids, but here’s what came to me:
No Miss Debbie Allen on my Vegas Judges Panel – Not only no
Miss Debbie Allen but also Jason Derulo, who last I checked was a singer not a
dancer and…Hannah Simone. Dance Enthusiast? Oh, hell no! The quality of the
judgery was greatly diminished and I blame a lot of the more egregious
shenanigans, like sending home that gorgeous boy with the unfortunate stank
face both while standing and dancing, on the absence of people like Miss Debbie
Allen and even Mia and Tasty Oreo, who may be cliquish bitches, but they know
their dance. Twitch is still too much of a fan right now to be a really
effective judge. Shankdaddy ceased to give relevant critiques long ago. Mary
only really cares about ballroom kids and untrained, street dancers and their
stories and Nigel, well, we all know what he really cares about. Drama: Real or
Really? Oh, all too real.
No Peanut choreographing my Contemporary round – I’m sorry,
but Stacey Tookie is no Peanut. And Bow Wow Wow is no Mia no matter how much of
a hard ass she tries to be – and we’ll get to the ridiculous dance all night
debacle later. And I had Nappy Tab choreographing the hip hop round again
despite the fact that they had Twitch right there doing not much more than
cheerleading on the judges panel. Though I’ll give it to them that this routine
looked more like actual hip hop than soggy, storytelling lyrical hop. Really,
only Dmitri and Chelsea choreographing the ballroom round made me happy
tonight. Drama: Real or Really? Real and sad. Come back, Peanut. Come back.
No Hampton/Exorcist and half the pretty Ailey type boys
either just never showed up or got cut before the Green Mile – I hope Exorcist
is alright and that he comes back yet again next season with lots of insider
knowledge gleaned from his wife’s one day in Vegas. I am hot that of the 4 or 5
gorgeous boys we saw during audition rounds, many of whom looked like they
could’ve given a young Desmond Richardson a run for his money, it looks like
not one of them even made it to the contemporary round, let alone to the Green
Mile. Mmmph. Drama: Real or Really? That’s real, real, real. We are not amused.
No sleep ‘til Jazz round – It is not a good idea to take
lots of kids who, no matter how talented, are probably not accustomed to
partnering and then set a piece on them with lots of partnering and then insist
that they work on said piece into the wee hours of the night and then perform
it in a high stakes audition the next morning powered by nothing but Coke and
desperation. It’s even worse than to try to use an accident that occurs to one
of Nigel’s pampered pet blondes as a result of DWF (dancing while fatigued) to
smear what seemed to be a perfectly fine specimen of Eastern European ballroom
man candy. Clearly, Armin didn’t drop blonde pixie cut on her head on purpose,
but Mary acted like he was a villain of the highest order. Poor Armin. No
wonder he looked so confused. Also, when dancers are learning new routines,
especially with lifts, sometimes they fall. Sometimes they fall on their heads.
Then they shake that shit off and get back to 5,6,7,8. Seriously, that pixie
girl didn’t even fall that hard. And for that she needed a neck brace, a ride
on a gurney and an overnight stay in the hospital? Please. Sack up, Pixie. I’ve
seen kids on this show lose an entire toe and just keep dancing. Drama: Real or
Really? Really? No, seriously. Really?
No shit talking during jazz rounds – Umm, Sydney? Is that
your name? Come over here and let me holler at you. No. And ewww. And stank is
not a good look on anybody. Buh-bye. Drama: Real or really? Well, real for her,
I don’t know about anybody else.
Dance for your life Vegas rounds is stupid and pointless –
So let’s see. You have a kid and he or she royally screws up choreo in a style
not his or her own. In order to prove that he or she should stay you ask that
person to dance for his or her life in his or her own style. Not, you know, to
go away and practice and do that same choreo again in order to show that you
can take critique and make corrections quickly and that you can actually master
styles not your own. Has anyone ever been kicked out of Vegas after being given
the opportunity to dance for his or her life? It’s in your own style! Of
course, it’s going to be phenomenal! That’s why you’re there in the first
place! For crying out loud. And then to add insult to injury, they decide to
fulfill their You Got Served fantasies by having a dance battle where two
animators enter and one animator leaves, except, oh, never mind. You know what?
They both stay. Fucking Stacey Tookie, man. Definitely no Mia. Drama: Real or
Really? Oh, it’s really alright. Really stupid.
The show is still not called So You Think You Can
Choreograph – Group round, why do you exist? For no other reason than to cause
manufactured drama as these kids will never, ever be asked to choreograph a
group number should they make the show? OK. Drama: Real or Really? Do I even
need to say it? Really? Whoops, there I said it.
And now to the kids. I’ll go in order of rounds since we had
to see all of them last night. (Drama: Damn skippy real!)
Solo Rounds
It seemed like the only person they really focused on during
this quest for the key round was Malece Miller. This would become a theme of
the night. Anyway, blonde pixie cut worked my nerves all night long. I don’t
know what the judges think they are seeing in her, but I see a whole lot of
nothing all that special. The best part of her dancing appeared to be the
tricks that she can do but since doing a back flip is not equivalent to
dancing, eh. I was underwhelmed. It certainly wasn’t worth throwing Armin under
the bus for this heifer. But Nigel does love a blonde and he also loves his
pixie sprites so I fully expect her to make the show.
Of the other featured guests, Fik Shun turned it out, as we
knew he would. The good thing about that is he seemingly continued to turn it
out in every subsequent round but the group round (and really how much of that
was his fault vs. how much was the fault of the dreckitude that was that
choreography, but we’ll get to that) serving up fierceness in the hip hop and
the jazz (I was super impressed!) and seeming to more than hold his own in
contempo and not completely embarrass himself in ballroom. Well done, young
man. You may be more of a Legacy than a Cedric and that’s a good thing.
Jeanine Mason was also in there tantalizing me as she
montaged on by with her curly locks and her fierceness. I feel like we have yet
to be given a really good eyeful of this girl and I can’t figure out why not.
Maybe they are trying to do an Eliana style slow build, but apart from watching
her destroy worlds in that first group number, she was hardly featured at all.
And yet clearly, she’s phenomenal and stuck around long enough to make the
Green Mile unlike, say, Jennifer Beals clone Jennifer Jones who was never all
that to begin with. Bah.
The only other notable dancer featured during solos was
Donovan Gibbs, who had been quite charming battling his studio owner dance dad
during the early audition rounds but brought nothing to the stage but really
unfortunate hair and Justin Bieber diaper pants (nee Hammer pants) and was
swiftly sent packing. And deservedly so. Go cry into your diaper, sweetums, and
bring it hard or stay home next time.
Hip Hop Round
Ugh. No one says “hype” anymore NappyTab. Not for a long,
long time. Sigh. Those two make me tired. Soooo, the hip hop round happened and
for the most part it was just used to show us that all these untrained street
dancers, like Jade, can at least pick up choreography when said choreo is style
adjacent to what they do on their own. I guess this was important in
establishing some kind of reason for keeping Jade around after he kept fucking
up round after round of choreo in other styles? I don’t know. As I mentioned,
this did seem like more demanding than normal, harder hitting choreography from
NappyTab, so there’s that.
And the round did produce one sheer delight by showcasing
the mad swagger of two dancers who I wouldn’t have expected had much swag to
give: Jenna Johnson and one Shan Shan Qiao Rothlisberger. What? These two were
shutting it down in the best possible way. Shan Shan was shaky on some of the
steps but she was giving me face and attitude and still vibing with the music
even when it was clear she’d lost the steps and I was living for her. From
dancing with bowls on your head to that? You go, Glen Coco. And Jenna was booty
poppin’ like a pro. She should make a twerk video with all that ass. And she
would continue to turn it out all night. This ballroom kid is a comer y’all. She
could be another Janette with the right partner. Mini-Chbeeb, Fik Shun, and
Mariah Spears (Utah krump girl) were also throwing down on this routine, but
they should have done, so it was slightly less delightful)
Jazz round
Did I mention Fik Shun ate this routine’s lunch? And then
drank its milkshake? Drank it up. Amy
Yakima was also there dominating your face. Like Shankdaddy, I have this girl
firmly in my top 20. Gorgeous, gorgeous and legs for days. Extension out the
wazoo has this one. Utah krumper and Jenna also put in work here. I’ll be
shocked if all there of these ladies don’t make your girls top 10. So that’s
seven spots up for grabs for these other hungry ladies to snap up and I can’t
really call it other than that Malece will be there, though I continued to be
spectacularly unimpressed with her in this jazz piece, so make that six spots
open. Going fast, kittens. Get ‘em while they are hot. Armin was kind of a hot
mess here and I could’ve understood losing him at this point, but not later
after basically seeing him kill it in every other style. That’s some bullshit
right there. And speaking of bullshit, Jade was tasked to do the first of what
seemed like his 11 million dances for his life here, but honestly, we could’ve
lost him to. The bitch can only do one style, his style, and I don’t want that
on my TV screen week to week. We did lose some of my favorite dancers here,
though, including Shan Shan and the Ailey boy with the unfortunate stank dance
face. I hope she gets some training and comes back. And I hope he becomes a
principal dancer with Ailey and rubs Nigel’s nose in it every day sending
pictures and videos of himself performing at Lincoln Center and other famous venues
along the way just to remind him of what he missed out on.
Ballroom
I love how much the ballroom alumni of this show stay on the
grind. I think they are the most successful former contestants not named Twitch
by far. All that to say, I was happy to see Dmitri and Chelsie taking a break
from DwtS to choreograph this round. Jenna was fabulous here, of course, but I
caught a fleeting glimpse of Blueprint from Dragon House in the montage and he
looked like he was doing it to it, which I sincerely hope is true because I
have a sneaking suspicion that Nigel and Co want all three animators
(Blueprint, Jade and Fik Shun) to make the show this year so that they can
crassly capitalize on Cyrus’ popularity. They really didn’t dwell on the
ballroom round this year, which probably means that most people handled their
business, so we will follow suit and keep it moving.
Group Round
Alan, Gene, Kayla, Jenna and Jeanine – AKA the super group.
I didn’t find the Boston stuff all that compelling but the dance itself was
beautifully choreographed and danced. I didn’t realize Gene had a brother (were
they twins?) so that was a nice, if confusing, surprise. They can both shake a
tail feather. Good genes (no pun intended).
Jasmine, Derek, Chritiane, Jarvis, Viktoria and Fik Shun
(Facts with a Little Fik Shun) – So clearly, they blew their whole creative
load on the name. The dance was a HAM. They were sloppy, never in sink, ugly,
bad, ugh, wrong, eww, just go away now. As much as I enjoy Fik Shun, I probably
wouldn’t have kept any of them around after that nightmare. It wasn’t so much
the bad choreography as the fact that it was also really poorly executed. It’s
sad when the answer to the title of this show’s question turns out to be a
resounding, “No, you can’t.”
Jennifer (Jennifer Beals clone), Tucker (with yet more bad
hair) Amy Yakima (the divine), Mariia (of Mariia and Misha) and Markus (whom I
don’t know at all) – Oh my god. Russians. Maria was being a total whiny baby.
Letting the former Union of Soviet Socialist Republics down in a major way. The
dance itself actually turned out rather well, all things considered. I thought
Mariia looked like she was having a little meltdown during her one moment in
the sun solo, but given what they were working with, strangé, kids.
Makenzie, Carlos, Carley, Sarah and Vitaly – So a whole
bunch of no names we’ve barely even seen? Gee, I wonder how this will go. They were
not even dancing on the same beats. I didn’t much enjoy Hannah on the panel,
but just here she was giving the most perfect hot mess face. This was another
send ‘em all home group for me, but since I don’t really know what the three
who got saved can do, I’ll give the judges the benefit of the doubt.
Contemporary Round
Darlings, I’m tired. There is a reason why it’s a horrible
idea to do all of Vegas week in just one night. Producers be trippin', yo.
This choreography was a little bit all over the place for
me. I am not a fan of just having the kids free style the last 8 counts or so.
That said, I found tapper Curtis charming and delightful and surprisingly
supple and lithe in his extensions and his tearful breakdown post-dance was
touching up to and including the Stacey Tookie embrace. Neither the Jennifer
Beals clone nor Misha and Mariia were raising any hell here, so I can see why
they all got sent home. Although I really will miss Moose and Squirrel. They
were astonishingly good ballroom dancers. Know who I wouldn’t have missed?
Jade? He’s not as charismatic as the show seems to think he is. And Blueprint
was competent enough in this routine that you could smell the producer
manipulated bullshit when he got asked to dance for his life in a dance off
with Jade. Said dance off was all kinds of magic, but I couldn’t even enjoy it
with my eyes rolled so far back into my head. If we saw more than a second of
anybody else during this round, then I don’t remember it.
Beg for Your Life Round
I refuse. Sending Armin home right here was criminal, but
you already knew that. They were clearly overstocked on the ballroom boys at
this point anyway.
Based on who I saw left to go to the Green Mile, here’s who
I’m expecting to see make the show and who amongst them gets a Real or a
Really?
Girls Top 10 Predictions
Malece (Really?)
Jenna (Real)
Amy (Real)
Jeanine (Real)
Jasmine (Really? This will be pure Cyrus porn if she makes
it)
Mariah (Real)
The other five spots are kind of a blur for me. I didn’t know
enough about the rest of the girls to form a solid opinion. Was the tapper girl
still in it? I caught a few seconds of her here and there where it looked like
she might have been turning it out just a little, in which case, Nigel will not
miss an occasion to get a tap kid into top 10.
Boys Top 10 Predictions
Fik Shun (Real)
Jade (Really?)
Blueprint (Really? Not that I don’t like him, it’s just – he
lacks spark)
Tucker (Real)
Gene (Real. He’d have made it last time if not for all the
cheese)
Curtis (Real)
And once again, for the remaining four spots, I really have
no idea. Maybe Mini-Chbeeb? He seemed to be steaming through the choreo rounds
quite nicely, although if he did make it and all the animators also got in,
that would be 4 hip hop kids in the boys top 10. That’s more than they’ve ever
had, I believe. And maybe more than the traffic can bear? I don’t know. I’d
kind of like to see a season not completely dominated by contempo boys. And
what about that light skinned tapper? I don’t really see how Nigel could
resist.
That’s it. I’m done. I hope they never, never, ever turn
Vegas Week into Vegas Two Hours ever again. And that’s 100% Real.
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