Ah, Utah. My old nemesis. We meet again. Kittens, how is that somehow I missed N’awlins because people refuse to pay me to sit around and look fabulous, and I come back to the “Dear god, put away the eye shadow!” capitol of the world? That ain’t right.
Noodles, Salt Lake may have opened up with the adorable Cat Deeley still rocking the Marcia Brady, super straight, center part hair, but it can’t fool me. It is a hot bed of white ‘n crazy. And since it’s late and the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints always gets my dander up, let’s jump right in and discuss who was hot enough to require a pair of magic chastity panties and who was more unclean than Negroes and caffeinated beverages, shall we?
Day One
Nigel’s dressed like the Good Humor Man; Mary continues to pretend like she can still shop in the Juniors Section at Nordstrom; and Mia . . . well, bitch is still on my list. And away we go.
Brian Boyer - He needs new hair immediately. And damn, kiddies. When he slammed himself into the hard concrete for Cat? That shit looked like it hurt. He was ridiculous at his style. That one move that looked like he kind of pressed up into a planche with his legs in a vee? And then he turned it around? How did he do that? He’s a sick b-boy. And I loved that once he got put through to choreo, he went out into the hallway and grabbed someone to help him prep for Anya and Pasha. The judges were right to make him do choreography, and he was right for recognizing that he wasn’t ready for it. And vowing to do what? That’s right! Practice, y’all. Awww, good boy. Noodles, I hope he does come back. I like that little skunk hair kid.
Tristie/Bad Luck Magnet – She was very unfortunate looking. I sincerely hope that face is the result of extensive reconstructive surgery after her many accidents, because if she just looks like that . . . well, that’s just sad for her. Oy. She sucks as a dancer. I was embarrassed for her and her busted face. Why did we need to watch that? And on a side note, the judges were much nicer to her than she deserved. I mean, honestly. Half of those pictures looked like nothing more than fender benders. It’s not like they had to rescue her with the Jaws of Life.
Haley Cloud – Pretty girl, but kittens didn’t you know from the minute she came on the screen that she would be a hair flinging nightmare? There was way too much gymnastics in what was ostensibly a dance routine, but she just might have some decent technique and lovely lines hiding under all that competition crap. She’s surely a cutie. And she has a giant rack. That should take her far if she’s actually lucky enough to make the show. I predict that Vegas week will break her, but that might be just what she needs to get rid of some of the mannered Studio 101 dancing she’s put on display.
Megan Kinney – Oh, look. Haley has a partner in hair flinging nonsense. Darlings, did we really need to see Caitlin’s sister back again. I suppose she’s better this year than she was last year, but there’s still way too much hair flinging and reaching out to nowhere and leg extensions just because the leg is there and it extends, no? She’s boring. And the Muppet hair must go. Eh. She doesn’t sparkle like her sister did.
And then we had a montage of contemporary, cookie cutter female dancers, one of whom appeared to be a contortionist. Bland. Blah. Don’t care.
And then we had a stripper. Joy. Noodles, I just can’t. Arianna Rowley was a travesty with her big moon face made up like Bozo the Clown, and she wasn’t even good enough to make the 2:00 am – noon shift at your local Playa’s Club. Nigel put her through because he can’t not be a perv and Mia put her through just to fuck with her. And now I’m so terribly bored, and Arianna has made me have to deal with the fact that all the ladies in Salt Lake City appear to apply their make up with trowels and why, Utah? Just, why? Clown is not a good luck. Trust that this is so.
Ivetta Likushuko – She’s so Russian. She so Strictly Ballroom. Oh my god. I am in looooove with her. I would pay folding money to hear her call Nigel and Mary “Moose and Squirrel.” And look at that body, kittens. I mean, come on. She was marvelous, maybe not as magical as Mary and Mia made out, but pretty damn good. But she’s 29 and looks every inch of it, no? I’m not really seeing her on the show. Are you, noodles?
Day Two
Pascal – Is this what passes for entertainment now on this show? Darlings, I’m so disappointed. The only redeeming factor of this entire “audition” was seeing Mary imitating this kid’s praise dancing foolywangery. That and the fact that Mary used the phrase “conniption fit”, which phrase I had only ever heard my grandmother say prior to last night and only serves to reconfirm that Mary is a million years old.
Ashley and Ryan Di Lello – He was amazing and she was just OK. As the judges noted, she didn’t pop at all. I would say that was true in both their audition piece and in the snippet we saw of her choreography round performance. And btw, that was the most useless put through to choreography ever. They are Latin Ballroom specialists so let’s make them do the choreo round which is . . . Latin Ballroom. Jigga what? The clearly were high on him and not sold on her, so at the very least, I expected the judges to put him straight through to Vegas and send her to choreo. But nope. I think Mia and Marry just wanted to ogle Ryan some more, which I heartily approve of. I think he has a decent chance to make the show, and I’d be quite happy if he did because . . . pretty. She’s iffy. Maybe she has more to offer than what was on display.
Leigh Asay and Josh Murillo – Tom Delay performed with a stress facture in both feet, so just suck it up, Mia and Mary. You can’t tell me that they’ve never seen a dancer whose toenail has come off. Hell my toenails have come off from dancing and I’m not even a professional. Darlings, ain’t no way that this girl should’ve gone through to Vegas. You know it and I know it and the judges know it and Brigham Young knows it. This was a pure pity ticket. Toenail girl and her partner looked like highly skilled amateurs. They have the basic steps down, but they lack fluidity. They would get destroyed in an open level ballroom competition. But, eh. As I often say, kiddies, Vegas Week needs her red shirts, and she should fit the bill nicely. Oh, and partner boy? Well, it sucks to be you. Next time, work up on some blood, I suppose.
I think that’s it. If that’s not it, well, that’s gonna be it, because mama is exhausted. Tomorrow, off to the desert paradise. And Boomkat! Yay, Boomkat! I love Laurie Anne Gibson more than life. And Laurie Anne and Debbie Allen in the same theater? Awww, yeah. So close to the start of the show. Thank the gods they don’t drag this shit out AI style. I doubt I’d make it.
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