And away we go, kittens. Can I say that I’m relieved that I’m not more appalled by the composition of your top 20? Because darlings, let’s face it. It could’ve been much, much worse. Don’t get me wrong, there’s still a whole lot of WTF to go around, and I will proceed to get my bitch on below. But on the whole, I’m more than satisfied. There was minimal judgery last night; we moved through the chaff expeditiously; and I got my krumper, my Harry Belafonte look alike tapper, and my three beautiful contempo boys, along with golf ball ankle Pauline Mata, two little adorable black girls who I don’t remember ever even seeing before, the sex bomb ballroom chick, and cute as a button Channing Cooke, so I’m all set with my top 10 and the season hasn't even started.
Getting Jiggy With It
Nathan Trasoras – This one was obvious, noodles. The show has had a hard on for this kid since last year’s audition rounds. Make that the show and I have had a hard on for this kid since last year’s audition rounds. Much like Brandon in S5, this kid was the best dancer on the show from the wings last season, and I expect him to be an absolute monster this season. Of course, he won’t win because the best technical dancer will never, ever win on this show. But he will be heartbreakingly beautiful to watch so long as he remains on the scene. He’s like S4 Matt without the stick up his butt!
Channing Cooke – I want to like this girl, kiddies. I really, really do. She’s a spunky, precocious blonde who can actually dance. She’s the anti-Molly. I expect I will enjoy her run on the SYTYCD stage and I have her in my presumptive top 5 girls. But ye gods! I hate her black satin romper and black secretary pumps. That outfit makes the baby Jesus cry tears of molten hot lava. It’s beyond hideous. I will not be able to continue to like her if she keeps displaying such egregiously bad fashion. And that’s without the interference of the crack whores in wardrobe. When will our long national romper nightmare be over, kittens? When will the lambs stop screaming?
Arianna Dubose and Eleanor Scott – Wow, they were cuties. The first one with the wild hair was the one who was so good that she made Mia throw a pen at her. Hee! Too bad that in the hundreds of hours of Vegas footage, they couldn’t find a way to give us more than a snippet of either one of these ladies. I guess we just really, really needed to spend time with that delusional crying boy or have that bikini montage of the girls at the Planet Hollywood swimming pool. Because it’s a dance show after all. Heaven forbid that we’d fill the time up with actual dancing.
Billy Bell – Sublime. Oh this kid is heaven, darlings. Julliard’s loss is surely our gain. I predict many more Shankdaddy tears as a result of watching this boy move. This kid, noodles, this kid is the reason that I am hating losing Mia this season. Show me a dancer that’s more perfectly built to do her choreography. I defy you. Maybe Travis Wall. I’m putting this kid in that category right now. I would kill to see him do a Mia piece. Or Wade. Sigh. That bitch will be missed.
Russell Ferguson – He’s better than great. He’s great great! Kittens, was there ever a doubt that he must be on this show? And did you see him with the tears and the break down and the jiggly excitement? Awwwww. He’s sooo cute. I am loving me some Russell Ferguson.
Kevin Hunt – Oh, he’s so good too. Yes. We love. We love! Please let them have some decent hip hop choreographers on the show this season. Shane’s so far over this show, it’s not even funny. And Dave Scott is brilliant, but neither he nor Lil C. have ever done their best work for SYTYCD. I would love to see them start bringing back past contestants here. Any of the guys from Qwest would turn it out – Ryan, Hawk, even Dominic (although the mugging might kill me). I’d bet Twitch would be a good choreographer. I’d love to se Donyelle come back and do some choreo. Or how about stealing some other folks from ABDC. Have Jabba come on and set a piece on the kids. That would be amazing. And they have kids with the chops to do it justice this season. Please all the saints above, no more weeks of two NappyTab mime routines.
Phillip Attmore – Hey, it’s the pretty Harry Belafonte clone. The one who’s seen Kasprzak Sr’s ass. I had forgotten all about him once they offed poor old KHoof. But now he’s back. He’s here. He’s in the top 20. And bringing a whole truck load of pretty with him, too. Yummy, noodles. And he’s done a ton of cross training, if memory serves. A real gypsy. This should be good. And, ewww. Was the judges panel trying to give him the “arrogant/won’t listen/ journey” crap? Honestly. What is it about light skinned black boys and this panel?
Jakob Karr – We haven’t seen nearly as much of this kid as I would like, so just believe me when I tell you , kiddies, this kids is amazing. Amaaazzzzing. He’s the truth.
Pauline Mata – She’s another amazing dancer. I’m so glad they took her, bum foot and all. She can represent for the Pinoy Power. We haven’t had a great one since Melody in S1. And Shankman was so sweet with her. I heart Shankdaddy.
Ryan De Lillo – Well, he beat out Sexy Time Gene. Thank heavens for small favors, no? Here’s the thing. Unca Nigel can try to sell me on this kid all day long and I am just not buying. Oh, he’s pretty enough and a fine return to shirtless form for the ballroom boys after a couple of rather down seasons. But no one who would marry a creature like that wife of his can be all hunky dory. There is something rotten in the state of New Jersey, and it goes by the last name of De Lillo. I’ll enjoy the chest while I can, but I am hoping for an early exit for both him and his wife. Preferrably on the same week. So that they don’t have too miss each other too much. Because I’m compassionate like that.
Jigga What?
Bianca Revels – Liar, liar pants on fire. Kittens, you know she would have been nasty and stank if she hadn’t made it this season. I will not forget the stankitude that came out last season. Nay. I will keep the hate fires burning hot and bright. Because this girl really, really thinks she is the shit. Did you see, kiddies, the way she shoved herself into the middle of every group hug for every contestant coming out of the green mile, win or lose? More camera time for Bianca. Did you see how she always checked that she was on screen, on the good side, looking appropriately saddened or overjoyed? Bitch can’t fool me. And breeding will tell. I predict ugly from this one. I just don’t like her.
Peter Sabasino – So he’s the Cedric this year? OK.
Legacy Perez – OK, so he’s the Cedric? There are too many Cedrics, noodles.
Molly Gray – They are pushing her way too hard. She is good, but I’m already over her. So, so tired of her face. And she and that best friend are unbearable. I cannot stomach the two of them. Bleagh. Too cute by half. I’ll be glad to see the back of her.
Ashleigh De Lillo – Is a joke, kiddies. She and her elastic plastic face, and her fakey fake smile. And she’s not even that great of a dancer. Better girls were cut so that her husband wouldn’t miss out on his nightly nookie. Hell to the naw. She’s another one who can’t leave fast enough.
Jigga Who?
Kathryn – Completely unknown to me before today. Kittens, I didn’t even catch her last name. Well Done, Show. And my first impression of her is that she’s a whiny crybaby. Yuck. She’s actually a very pretty dancer, though. Maybe if she cries less? Oh, who am I kidding, darlings? She might as well be wearing a red shirt. I suppose every season needs it’s cannon fodder.
Victor Smalley – Goodie, more cannon fodder. Hmm. And the hair really was a problem. The hair was bad. He’s pretty enough now that he’s been trimmed, and seems to be a fine dancer. But there’s so much talent at the top among the boys. And he seems a step down from the big three among the contempo boys. I don’t see much of a future for this kid, so I hope he enjoys his 15 minutes.
Noelle – I hate this girl with everything in me. I don’t even know her at all, and yet, I hate her. You’ve wanted this since you were three? To be on this show? SYTYCD? Which hasn’t even been in existence since you were three unless you are some freak ass SORAS baby? Umm, OK, genius. Did I mention how much I hate her? I don’t remember her at all, but I hate her all the same. And of course, she’s BFF with the other annoying crumpet. Perfect. Those two together are sapping my will to live.
Karen – Ah yes, the Sexy Time girl. Well, they always need cute ballroom girls to get the hip hoppers through those first, difficult weeks of partnering. So here’s hoping that she gets paired up with either Kevin or Legacy and gives them a teensy leg up. She might even squeak into the top 10 if the cards lay right for her. I’m slightly inclined to like this one, kiddies.
The Jig Is Up
David – I cannot believe the judges cut my yellow shorts ballet boy. They were seriously smoking that bad monkey crack. Oh, I loved him. Cute accent, too. Well that was unexpected, noodles. Badly done, judges. Badly done.
Amber Jackson – We liked bad performance quality girl, didn’t we? What happened? Again, I was kind of shocked. Maybe the judges felt we had reached our black girl quota for the season? I think three might be the most they’ve ever had. Add that in with the three black boys and yeah. OK. Now it’s all becoming clear to me.
Paula Van Oppen - Love her. She is a superstar. I hope she didn’t drop out to be in Fame because it was a piece of trash and a big old flop to boot. Maybe she’ll be in Step Up 3D? Because that would be awesome!
Monday, Monday, Monday! Kittens, I’m feeling that old feeling. And I’m not mad that the judges get to make the calls for the first couple of weeks while the baseball playoffs are winding down, because that’s pretty much they way it was before except America got to put some parameters around the judges choices by picking the B3. Besides, you bitches can’t be trusted anyway. I hope these kids are ready for their close ups.
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