SYTYCD S6 Auditions Ep4 Peace Up, A-Town Down

Pretty sneaky, SYTYCD. Darlings, if not for a fortuitously placed electronic billboard on my way to work today, I would've missed Cat Deeley, looking lovely with her stick straight, Marcia Brady hair and flawlessly performing the stanky leg, shepherding our intrepid Nigel and increasingly crazily bewigged Mary Murphy through the dirty south. With a subdued Lil C in tow. Forgive a tired blogger for being caught all unawares. But we must press on, no? Let's get down to brass tacks because the ATL, though amusing, didn't serve up any real gems, noodles. I don't think there was a top 10er in the bunch.

Bring 'em out, bring em out - Day One

Billy Bell - Such a cutie. I want to hook him up with Curt from Glee and form the uber-teen gay power couple. And a gorgeous dancer to boot, kittens. Turn out for days. A glorious, deep plie. And for the first time with a male dancer on this show, I am swooning over the feet. The feet are killing me! I see Nigel's point about the sway back, but seriously, was there ever a doubt that this kid was going straight through to Vegas. This kid's got a shot to do well in Vegas.

Amber Jackson - Look, here's another cutie! Atlanta certainly represented with the beautiful black dancers, kiddies. And I heartily approve. This girl was lovely with great control. I really didn't see the lack of performance quality the judges noted, although I did see the unfortunate almost mushroom 'do she was sporting. With the puffy roots? Oh, no, no, no. I know they have good hairdresser down on Peach Street who can keep the press tight. Hie thee hence, immediately.

Travis Dennison - Oh, great googly moogly! This is what happens when you watch too much UDA Dance Champoinships, noodles. Please take heed. And I'll be darned if he didn't look exactly like a coked up, Bizarro world Shankdaddy. Darlings, if we must have bad auditions, may they all be as enjoyable as this one. Oh, Wade. The show clearly hates you now.

Jamal Jackson and Victor Smalley - Forget about it. Both of these kids are sublime. Mia is going to love them more than her bleach bottle. Lots of tough contempo competition this year, though. I think Victor has a slight advantage. He's more dynamic and he pops onscreen. Good hair, too.

Antony and Antoine Hart - Oh, the twins. Yay, twins! I remember them from S4. The judges were right. They've grown a lot. The routine was cute, if not overly complicated, and Antony is still better than his brother. I agreed with sending them to do choreo, with good reason, as it turned out. Antoine is not a strong enough dancer for this show. Anthony showed that he's certainly stepped it up. I'm still not sure that there is enough there to get through Vegas, but I'm glad he's making it back.

The opposite of moderate, immaculately polished - Day Two

Matthew "Boogie Links" Pollard - He was not a half bad dancer in his style, and while at first I was put off by his bravado, I realized that it was swagger deployed to cover up for the low self-esteem of the busted. Because on the real, his face was not aesthetically pleasing, y'all. It saddens me to have to call that out since a) he seemed so humble and willing and eager to learn after not making it through the choreo and b) he shows serious signs of being color struck and can't we move on from that in the '09, black men? But the truth must be told. He may break bones, but he'll never break hearts. Oh, and he'll never make it on this show, but you knew that, right kittens?

Jessica Jensen - Dammit. Do I have to go through this every season on every show? Listen up, all you handicapable people considering trying out for AI/SYTYCD/any other talent based reality show not named America's Got Talent. You will never be a professional . . . anything. Producers will not work with you. Directors will not hire you. Shows will not cast you. Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles are the exceptions that prove this rule. And that rule is double true for dancers. The god damned nubby arm girl had no balance, couldn't hold her center. And of course not! Cause she only has one hand. Fuck. I don't know whether she could've been good enough to be a professional dancer had she not gotten ill, but I do know that she'll never be one now. Poor girl, poor partner. The judges were wrong for that. They were never going to put her through and they should've said so, not fed her delusion by putting her through to choreo and encouraging her to come back and try out again. Jessica, let me tell you the real. Don't come back again. Keep dancing for you since you seem to enjoy it, but you are not going to be a professional dancer. Accept that. You'll thank me later.

Why the show always have to make me be a bitch, noodles?

Jonathan Bryant - Was an exhausting drama factory just in the clips, darlings. You can tell that there is some good raw material there, but ewww. There is not enough no in the world. Stank attitude + smart mouth + cry on demand spoiled child complex = Go far, far away.

Thomas "Crack Baby" Hamilton - Kittens, I still remember the Crack Baby from AI and she was one of my favorite things ever. Primarily because she didn't whine about it or let the show turn her life into a sob story for mass consumption. And yeah, she didn't even make it out of Hollywood Week, and neither will this kid make it out of Vegas week. He's a good dancer with solid technique, but that's not enough to cut it . . . unless he gets a boost from his sob story, which is wrong and makes me have tons less respect for him. Praise dancing? As your audition solo? Really? Taking us to your sick aunt's hospital bed? And to the old crack denny home? Yuck. As Lady GaGa commands, Just Dance. It'll be OK.

All done. Quick and dirty just how you like it.

Deep breath, kiddies. Tomorrow we're off to the Big Easy and some cat daddy is going to break out the wop! Bring it, N'awlins.