American Idol S8 Finals Ep20 Free at Last

I come not to bury Gokey, but to praise him.

I’m serious. Every great story needs a villain, and Frikkin’ Gokey played the role so nicely. Talented, attractive (because I’ll be damned if he wasn’t hotter than he’s ever been last night), with a plethora of gifts that he chose to use for evil rather than for good. I have truly loved hating on Gokey this year. And the bitch knows how to make a well-timed exit, stage left. So hail and well met, FG. You proved a worthy foil this season. I hope I never have to see you or your heart hands ever again. Oh and, shame about the wife.

Kittens, I’m in a magnanimous mood. I got the finale of my dreams. Adam/Kris. Kris/Adam. Not matter who wins, it’s gonna be a whole lotta sexy up on that Kodak Theater stage, so I’m all good. (But on the real, Adam better win. Carrying on)

I'm so good, in fact, that I can get over the fact that 90% of last night’s show was absolute crap. Because seriously, y’all, what was that crap? Ben Stiller, who desperately needs to get off AI’s jock, and some fat dudes I didn’t even know hawking the second installment of a movie about the fascinating secret life of security guards. (And WTF with security guards being the flavor of the month movie stars? What kind of person watched Paul Blart: Mall Cop? The same kind of people who were Gokey fans, I'd wager. And that's what's wrong with America) Alicia Keys, looking gorgeous, but trailing some sad African kid who thinks he’s MC Hammer behind her. I am sure that kid is the hotness in the Sudan and the Ivory Coast, but really? Umm, no. Jordin Sparks, who needs to get smacked up repeatedly by that pimp from Pat Benatar’s Love Is a Battlefield video for the sheer presumption of trying to do it like the master. (Although, props to her for not letting the undead husk of Clive Davis turn her into a bobble head like Carrie. She looked phenomenal) Katy Perry? Not even her love for Adam Lambert could make me talk about the hot mess on that stage. I refuse.

But enough about the 90% crap, noodles, because the other 10% I loved with a white hot intensity. Ryan was a blazing, Kris Allen level of beautiful. The pimpmercial was the most non-sensical yet and I think they were implying that Adam’s superpower in the A-Ha cartoon portion was making a mean steak and eggs which was awesome in its randomness. Anoop was there looking ridiculous in a Dodgers jersey and yet still somehow being the sexiest south Asian geek I have ever laid eyes on. Manic Panic is still the cutest chola in the history of ever and she loooooves Adam, as she should. Kris’ big old red faced dad crying buckets of tears while Kris sang Falling Slowly made me tear up. And his whole family, excepting the monkey faced wife, is beautiful. And of course, Kris himself, in that black leather jacket/white t-shirt combo? Hotter than the sun. And as touching as Kris’ hometown visit was, I still loved Adam’s best. He taught morning show hosts how to put on eye shadow! He inspired old men to become autograph seeking hags! He turned a saggy breasted San Diego teen into a streaker because he is sex on a stick. I think Obama might end DADT just due to the sheer rightness of Adam Lambert on a Marine base singing the hell out of the National Anthem. And the kids? Oh, Adam with the kids was too much. And he looked good doing it. Kittens, he is magic.

And of course the best thing ever happened, no? Frikkin’ Gokey went home. No more dead wife. No more pierced face friend. No more scary crotch dancing. No more cater waiter vests. No more Lenscrafter. No more fucking heart hands. For the first time since S2 someone who I genuinely love and have been rooting for will win American Idol. Not someone I hate (like Fivehead or Taylor), not someone I don’t really care about (like Jordin), not someone I’m “meh” about but I can live with (like Ruben), not someone who I’m OK with but that I can grow to love (like Carrie). No, noodles. Someone will win this show who I passionately and dearly love. Like Miss Kelly Clarkson and 'Tasia levels of adoration and worship. Either Adam or Kris will be like that for me. Which means that also for the first time someone will come second who my heart will break for. And that’s why I watch this show, no?

Darlings, for that, I’ll take all the crap that this show has shoveled this season. I’ll take the “innovations” , like the judges’ save, that add absolutely no value to this show. I’ll take the almost complete destruction of Simon’s autonomy and integrity. I’ll take the emergence of “nasty Paula”. For the glory that will be the Adam/Kris finale, kiddies, I will even take Judge #4. Yes, that’s right. My love for our glittery boy/girl alien sex god and our sweet ‘n sexy honey dip from AR is so great that it completely overshadows the nasty piece of business that is Kara DioworsethanIeverthoughtshe’dbe. I still hope and pray that Simon Fuller and Cecile Frout Coutaz will come to their senses and drop that fool like a bad habit over the summer (Along with most of the other "innovations"), but for now, I’m basking in the warm, warm glow.

Next stop Kodak Theater, y'all. Remember when Prince and Mary J came to the finale and made the Hoff cry? Imagine if they all came back and Kris and Adam were added to the mix. Sweet fancy Moses! I can. not. wait.