Kittens, mama’s under the gun. I have to board a plane winging my way east tomorrow, so you get the quick and dirty, which is what the show gave us tonight anyway, no? So somehow, it all works out as it should. Darlings, I have tried to stay pure this week, no Idol blogs, no Idolatry (I miss Slezak!). I mean, there was that devil temptress, EW, in my mailbox with a gorgeous picture of Adam Lambert beckoning me, but I resisted. I wanted to purge my system of my lust for Lambert, my breathless appreciation of the pretty, pretty Kris, and my all consuming hatred for Frikkin’ Gokey, so that I could judge the kids fairly on their F3 performances. And it didn’t even matter, noodles. Kris Allen is still hotter than the sun. Frikkin’ Gokey is still the tooliest tool in toolville. And Adam Lambert is still a freak of nature sex machine who will win this totally meaningless talent show or there will be hell to pay. So let’s do this, because I still have to pack.
So tonight’s show was severely underwhelming. And riddle me this, darlings, with the kids only singing two rather than the customary three songs this evening, how is it that the lovely and talented Ryan Seacrest was still not able to bring the show in on time? I’m so disappointed in my pocket gay this season. He has let the judges run amok, and this year they deserve it less than ever. Did we really need to indulge in "Pop Goes the Paula" as Ms. Abdul played chicken with her breasts in yet another too small, too tight bustier? Did we care to partake of Simon v. Judge #4 and the most lopsided mental mismatch of all time? And seriously, Randy, just go away and do ABDC. No one will miss you or your increasingly bizarre array of button down, striped cardigans. Kittens, the judges are seriously chapping my ass this season.
Side Note: Crack Whores. Trannys. We were doing so well the last couple of weeks. But tonight. Oh, no, babies. No. Was that an acid wash denim shirt on Adam? No. Did y’all put Kris Allen in women’s jeans? No, no. Y’all let Frikkin’ Gokey wear the cater waiter vest again and grow a mountain man beard? No. Well, OK, yes to the last thing because I hate Gokey, but as to the first two? No, no. You all are back on punishment.
Judges’ Picks
Frikkin’ Gokey/Dance Little Sister (Terence Trent D’Arby/Paula’s Pick) – Noodles, you can’t convince me that Paula doesn’t secretly hate this fool. Why else would she pick this third tier song from this second rate and wholly forgotten artist? As Simon pointed out, if you must go with TTD, why not Sign Your Name or Wishing Well? Sabotaging Gokey in this manner is yet another reason to adore Pau Pau. Because one must admit that theoretically a TTD song fits Gokey’s particular vocal talents, no? And yet this song sucks and lends itself to the shout-y, which is exactly what Frikkin’ Gokey pulled out. Kiddies, it was a delicious trainwreck. He was the worst he’s been in weeks. Shout-y, loud is the new good crap. And of course the judges lied their asses off, but does it really matter? Frikkin’ Gokey has informed us that he’s just there to have fun. Well isn’t that nice for him. Meanwhile, the rest of us suffer. Ugh. Epic fail for this fool.
Kris Allen/Apologize (One Republic/Randy and Kara’s Pick) – Sigh. Why does the show hate him when he’s so pretty? Just the facts, darlings? Kris sang the song well, played around with the melody just enough to not be a complete copy of the original. I, for one, am quite glad that he didn’t keep it all up in his head voice/falsetto as the original song does. That said, it was kind of boring and not a “get up off your couch and vote” performance. That said, the judges couldn’t wait to throw Kris under the bus, and all save Simon lied their asses off. Oh, and Paula? I must take her to task, which pains me because I love her. But seriously? Now, after eight seasons, she decided to call someone out for a bum note? After eight seasons of rainbows, and colors of voices, and “you look beautifuls” and shining spirits and shit? Now, all of a sudden, she’s calling people on missed notes and going off pitch? This from a woman who forgot to lip synch during her “singing” performance last week? Bitch, please. That is all.
Adam Lambert/One (U2/Simon’s Pick) – This was a great song choice, and the first part of the song was quite lovely. The back half, I didn’t love. I have to agree with, horror of horrors, Judge #4. And insert here the saying about broken clocks, blah, blah, but excuse me because I just threw up a little in my mouth. But darlings, going off the melody to the extent that our little alien sex god did was a little bit distracting. And unnecessary as this song is just a touch perfect as written. Adam was in fine voice, but then again, he always is. In eight seasons, he is perhaps the only contestant to never have a truly disastrous vocal performance ever. And was he wearing purple eye shadow, kittens? Made of awesome.
So Judges’ Pick round was kind of a wash. The greatest part? In Kris’ home video package, you can see that he was wearing Adam’s black nail polish half chipped off of his thumb, and the image in my head of the two of them playing nail salon in Adam’s bedroom while Frikkin’ Gokey looks on jealously from the hallway is delicious, noodles. Trust that this is so. Kris and Adam are my favorite presumptive final two ever. Too much pretty in one place. I wonder what else got wet that night? The monkey faced wife is in so much trouble.
Contestants’ Picks
Frikkin’ Gokey/You Are So Beautiful (Joe Cocker) – FG made up words to the song. Just made up a whole verse to the song. Fucking Gokey. What an ass! Who does that? Is he really just too good to sing the song as written? I could surmise that perhaps he forgot his lyrics so rather than throw in yet more “doo doo doos” he chose to just make some shit up, but I really don’t feel that FG has earned that charitable of a reading. So anyway, darlings, he didn’t scream at me the entire time, so it was already a million times better than his first song. And it was still the most boring thing in creation ever. And did he throw a sideways peace sign and double bump his chest while his numbers were being given? Y’all, he might be a bigger tool than Fivehead and Daughtry combined. No lie.
Kris Allen/Heartless (Kanye West) – I adore the fact that Kris just went balls to the wall on this one. And it totally paid off. I hate this song with a passion and yet this kid made me love it. I looooovvveeedddd it. Loved it. Loved him. Loved it and him. This is how you reinvent a song. I don’t even have any words, kiddies. Hotter than the sun. This performance should have sewn up his place in F2, but Americans are stupid sometimes, so who knows, right?
Adam Lambert/Cryin’ (Aerosmith) – Really? Huh. Hated the song choice, noodles. But I’m sure Judge #4 was pleased to get some early Aerosmith. And once the coked up monkeys in production figured out how to turn down the mics on the back up singers, this was a kick ass performance. Adam unleashed that crazy vocal range, schooled Gokey on how to do the rock scream effectively, stuck that tongue out in ways that I dream about and brought it like we all know he can. It was an easy performance for him and felt like definitely not his best. But since Adam’s not his best is better than most people’s perfect, I enjoyed it. I just wish he’d given us something less expected.
So tomorrow, if there is any justice, I will be ensconced in a hotel with room service and a Kris/Adam final two. Kittens, you do not want to deal with me if Frikkin’ Gokey makes F2. Can I trust you?
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