Is there a snippet of lyrics more apt for what happened to Frikkin’ Gokey last night on AI than the immortal one just above by rock gods The Rolling Stones? (And btw, wtf on no Stones last night? They just had to go with Styx, right? I am giving Uncle Scrooge McFuller the stink eye right here and now, kittens) That yowl (I won’t call it caterwauling because that would be an insult to cats everywhere) heard round the world should have sealed our little Lenscrafter Jesus’ fate and sent him back to his pierce face friend and living room hootenannies. Sadly, much like Simon, I don’t think FG (because I know him like that, y’all) is going anywhere tonight. In fact, noodles, I believe that if FG survives the 9:00 instant replay note massacre, he may very well be your next American Idol. Chew on that, darlings. I defy you not to produce noises 100 million times more bloodcurdling than the Gokey scream.
And kittens, it couldn’t be less fair that Frikkin’ Gokey will likely survive a night that was an absolute blood bath for him while Allison will probably go home on a night when she sounded and most especially looked better than she has on her entire run on this show. Let this be a lesson to the fashion challenged among you out there. Get yourself a good gay and you will find a way to overcome about 90% of your tragic clothing and hair faux pas. Also, the hair and make up trannys should contact Adam’s girl immediately and take copious notes because that, kiddies, is how it is motherfucking done.
So anyway, poor Ryan had to captain this listing ship without the benefit of a proper dress rehearsal thanks to the tragic accident suffered by Debbie the stage manager (who is in our thoughts) and the denizens of the swaybot pit (who we wish the stage had somehow managed to take out in its thirst for human blood). And he looked spectacular doing it as he has all season. Although, someone needs to have a tan-ervention with our wee pocket gay, no? Because he is reaching Project Runway Blaine levels of orange and nobody wants that. Side Note: White people of America, you are white. All of us brown people have accepted this. Why can’t you? For the love of god, step away from the self tanner. A nation of brown people thanks you. Judge #4 tied up what little brains and personality she has into that ridiculously lopsided ponytail she was sporting. The Dawg actually talked some sense a couple three times. And Simon continued to be a lackey for the producers and broke my heart some more. Also, Slash was awesome and hated Frikkin’ Gokey more than possibly anyone has in the entire history of the world and it was glorious to behold. Let’s take the solos as one batch and then deal with the duets which brought us levels of discomfort not seen since the BBC version of The Office (Kris and Danny) and levels of delight not seen since . . . ever? Xanadu? Oh, I give up, darlings. Adam and Allison were amazing together.
SOLOS
Let’s Spend the Night Together
Kris Allen/Come Together (The Beatles) – Hotter than the sun! I loved it. Say what you will about The Beatles not being exactly the epitome of classic rock on a night with Slash as the mentor, this here was just about as “heavy” as Kris could go and he knew it. What I love about this kid (aside from the general fact that he is smoking) is that he really knows himself as an artist and he stays true to that. It doesn’t always 100% work (Don Henley? Really?) but since the judges are always carping on wanting to understand what kind of records these kids would make post-Idol he is the perfect contestant to put the lie to all that crap, no? His phrasing, as usual, was impeccable and he gave just enough subtle tweaks to avoid the copycat problem that both Adam and Allison fell into last night. And the side mouth delivery really worked for him here, allowing him to toy with the melody in some spots in amusing ways while also being sexy as fuck. Immediate points off on Judge #4 for stealing the Sears ad tag line in her critique of Kris’ performance. Y’all, was she worse than she’s ever been, every single one of her flaws out on front street last night or was it just me? It wasn’t just me? Alright-y then. Anyhow, noodles, Kris does not have the voice for rock and roll. We are all agreed on that. And yet, he managed to give the best performance of the night, despite the drive by critiquing the judges carried out on him.
You Can’t Always Get What You Want
Adam Lambert/Whole Lotta Love (Led Zepplin) – Kittens, I didn’t love the song choice. I’m happy for Adam because he clearly did love it. And he performed the hell out of it. And yet, the performance had a “been there/done that” feel for me, right? And it wasn’t because it was too much like Robert Plant’s version because I am not up on the rock and roll and I don’t know this song from a hole in the ground. No, it was because I could’ve plotted that performance on a graph. Tease, taunt, eye fuck the camera, a little growl-y sexy, some power in the vocals, pull back, strut, strut, strut, make ‘em beg for it, and then glory note right to the g-spot. It was sexy as all get out. And I can see why Judge #4 just came on national TV. But I want even more from Adam, not because I’m greedy (although I am greedy) but because I know he can. I want Adam Lambert incredible, even though I know that Adam Lambert good is already 50 million times better than anyone else on this show has ever been (and that includes Miss Kelly Clarkson who has only reached Lambert-ian levels post AI). Eh, I still watched it about 50 more times last night on Rickey.org.
Allison Iraheta/Cry Baby (Janis Joplin) – So, in a minute, I’m going to explain to y’all why this was perhaps my least favorite Manic Panic performance of the entire season despite the fact that she looked incredible for pretty much the first time ever. But first I am going to praise Allison to the high heavens for throwing shade all over Judge #4 and her idiotic suggestion that the world’s favorite chola sing that tired, tired AI staple, Piece of My Heart. Really, Judge #4? Really? OK, noodles, back to the reason why I hated this performance and believe it or not, the Dawg nailed it. This song has zero melody. It’s one note sung over and over again and then screaming “cry baby” like a gazillion times. And the screaming was certainly impressive. Allison was in fine voice, although the enunciation went all to shit again. But this song didn’t showcase her like she should’ve been showcased on this, the tailor made week for her to shine. Adam, for all his glow, is not a rocker kid. He is a theater drama queen. Kris is a café rocker/folkie type and Gokey is whatever it is that Jesus-y, choir directors who aren’t flaming (a surprisingly small subset) are. Allison is the only true rocker in the bunch. This performance should’ve been her Mad World. And this week should’ve been the week that she threw salt in Adam’s game and made people think that maybe, just maybe, she had a shot at taking the crown. Instead, we got her aping Janis and mouthing off to the judges (which was admittedly cute and made her seem not like a moron in real life for a hot second) but that ain’t gonna get her to the confetti shower. It was a solid performance but a huge missed opportunity.
Sympathy for the Devil
Frikkin’ Gokey/Dream On (Aerosmith) – And no, kittens, I don’t have any. Well, maybe I have a little, but not much. I actually thought Gokey might be able to make something out of this song. The first part was not bad at all. Subdued and understated, for him. He was on pitch and seemed to be connected with the band and where they were taking the song. And he still looked hot, despite the fact that he clearly sprinted over from his side job as a waiter at the local bistro. And then came the “doo doo doos” into the chorus, which I might have even been able to overlook, because up until then he was letting that beautiful voice really do what it do. But then, darlings. Oh, then. What that boy done to the end of this gorgeous song was not right. Like all right minded people, I hate what Aerosmith became once they entered the 00’s and got swallowed whole by the Diane Warren Adult Contemporary Music Industrial Complex. But early Aerosmith kicks tremendous amounts of ass. And Dream On will forever be a classic, even though the string section acoustic MTV unplugged VMA version signaled the beginning of the end for this group. What I loved about this performance was that in the intro clip, you can totally see Slash realizing what a clusterfuck this is going to be and loving it. Slash hates Gokey. The producers who ran the hideous "three or four notes going on in there" (Props to the Dawg again! He was on fire last night, kiddies) as the recap clip hate Gokey. Won’t you hate Gokey, too?
DUETS
What a Shame
Kris & FG/Renegade (Styx) – Awkward. Kris haaaaates Gokey. As all right minded people do. (See above) They didn’t sound terrible together. They harmonized very well, which was something of a small miracle given that it looked like Kris wanted to see how far he could shove that mic stand up FG’s rectum. And Simon had a moment of clarity when he declared that FG outsang Kris, which was bound to happen as the gruff timbre of Gokey’s voice is a hundered times more well suited to a song like this, and to rock in general, than Kris’ style and voice, which is admittedly light as a feather. (And that’s another reason why the judges critiques of Frikkin’ Gokey were just ludicrous. FG may not like rock, but his voice with that raspy thing he’s got going is tailor made for it, so the whole notion that rock is somehow not his thing is complete and utter bullshit, noodles. I need a shovel) In fact, it was right here during this performance when I realized that someone I actually liked was going home tonight. Gokey sounded amazing, even though the performance didn’t really work on any level.
We Love You
Adam & Allison/Slow Ride (Foghat) – Adam’s pants were the tightest things I have ever seen. How did he even get them on, noodles? And who was the lucky, lucky crack whore in wardrobe who got to serve as his dresser last night? Because damn. Just damn. And Allison continued to look adorable and at her flat ironed best. And the two of them together? Well, I’ll just quote Ryan, “Soooooo cute.” Once again, I wouldn’t have chosen this song for them, which is just a variation on a theme from last night, kittens. And in the end it didn’t matter. They were glorious and clearly having enough fun for everyone in the studio. And I believe they caused Simon and Paula to start making out at the judges table, but I’ll have to check the tape on that one. Good way to close on a high note.
So now we await the loss of either Allison or Kris. Like Simon, I think enough of the Lambert-ian glow might have rubbed off on Allison to actually save her, which would be tragic since Kris, in his quiet way, was the best of the night. The AI gods are fickle and came up with this theme just to torture me with the original flavor tool, Daughtry, on results show night. But we also get a Paula “performance” complete with her “singing” her new single which should be almost as awe inspiring as last season’s premier of the Dance Like There’s No Tomorrow video (an underrated classic, btw). I thought about commenting on the whole Judge #4/Aerosmith debacle, but I don’t even have the energy anymore. Only a few more weeks until I get my SYTYCD back and a level of informed judgery (even when I disagree) the likes of which has never been experienced on this Idol stage. And maybe Steven Tyler will run into Judge #4 on the street during the off season and strangle her with a long, gaily colored scarf. Dream on.
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