Hmmm, a détente in Idol’s ongoing war against my soul. There were things to like about last night’s results show, kittens. What? OK, yes, there was a pantsless woman with a zipper over one eye having a seizure. And this was proceeded by a sleepy performance by a man whose giant forehead requires such a massive comb forward that it leaves a tiny bald patch on the crown of his head. But let’s just move past that, right? Let’s talk about the ways that AI tried to make up with me last night.
Everyone hates Judge #4
Oh, Judge #4. Getting booed is not the same thing as getting heckled. Everyone knows that but you. And obviously you don’t like it. Who would? Pretty soon, even the Dawg will turn on you because he’s stupid like a fox, no? And then what will you have left? Bitchface only gets you so far. Just ask Lil.
At least Paula’s breasts weren’t all up in my face
So the fashion was still horrible. Lil had the bad wig on again and it looked like she slept in it, which made it bad and rumpled. Also, I at first thought that the white strapless maternity top and white jeans combo she was rocking was a jumpsuit. Thankfully, it was just an ugly ass top designed to make her look like a lactation device and white jeans. Oh, I’m sorry, white peg leg jeans (Peg. Leg. AGAIN!) which was bad, but not as bad as wearing basically an enormous, full body sized adult diaper. Tattoo Sleeve had on a red bubble romper dress and looked ridiculous, but bitch “caw cawed” like a million times and went home last night, so who cares? On the plus side, Allison was dressed like a human being and not a baby Franken-hooker and Paula was ready for the Ice Capades, but most ways decent. And Kris Allen and Adam Lambert were rocking the hell out of some skinny jeans and being the very definition of sex in completely different and yet equally thrilling ways. This was a victory, noodles. Speaking of . . .
Kris Allen is hotter than the sun
Kittens, when did this happen? I was happy with my East Asian geeky sexy and my alien boy/girl future sexy and then all of a sudden, wham. Here comes Kris with the pretty boy sexy all up in my grill. And when he laid down a couple of verses in the pimp-mercial? White boy had some flow, what? Simon was so right. This kid is finally starting to feel himself and it is a beautiful, beautiful thing. Swagger.
Gokey’s assitude is out of control
So here’s why Allison and Anoop came off as sweetly ribbing their Idol-mates while Gokey confirmed his total douchebag status and found himself ensnared in Ryan’s trap last night. Gokey’s an ass. He can’t help it, even though he tries to hide it behind an “Aw shucks, Jesus rocks” façade. And that façade slipped harder than a stripper in a new pair of Lucite heels last night. Let’s see, choose the worst performance that Matt G. has done on the show. Go after his worst feature, the goat voice vibrato, and really overplay the hell out of it. What a deliciously mean boy cocktail we had on display. I smell a “shocking” elimination around the corner, kiddies. And I cannot wait!
The universe hates Tattoo Sleeve just as much as I do
What an ignominious exit for Caw Caw Corkery, darlings! She acted like a mental patient the entire night. She tried to diss Simon and got the beat down of the century in return for her troubles. And she unleashed a spate of spazz dancing that puts Jason Castro to shame and will live on in the annals of Idol history as how not to go out when they’re ringing your curtain down. Humiliation. Mmmmmm. Tastes like candy.
Yep, kittens, Idol and I have had a rapprochement. I might even have to write a post speculating on what fresh hell will be unleashed upon us with Songs from Your Birth Year night. Wasn’t Allison born in like 2000? The mind reels, darlings.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment