American Idol S8 Finals Ep15 The Best Is Yet to Come, Come the Day You’re Mine

Kittens, not only was this the best Idol episode this entire season, it might be one of the top Idol Finals episodes of all time. No lie. I’m still on a contact high from the awesomeness of the kids. And seriously, can there be any doubt that this top 5 is, top to bottom, the best of all time? I mean, in S1, we were still dealing with the likes of RJ and Nikki McKibbin in the top 5. S2? We hadn’t even kicked Josh Gracin to the curb by the time we reached top 5. Jasmine Trias from Hawai’i committed heinous acts against innocent standards on Big Band Night in the S3 top 5. S4? We were still dealing with A Fed and Scott “Serial Killer” Savol. S5? Well, Taylor was the winner of the whole season, so there you go. The last three seasons have seen a consistent bump in quality once we reached top 5 territory, but darlings, I think we’ve got the cream right here. When a perfectly serviceable performance by Goat Boy is the worst that the kids serve up on the night, you know we have something special cooking. Let’s dissect the elements of an awesome night of reality TV, shall we?

Wardrobe, Hair and Make Up

Darlings, I’ve been hard on the crack whores in wardrobe and the angry trannys in hair and make up this season. I know. I’m not ready to put all that behind me just yet. (After all, they did put Paula in a dress that looked like a used maxi-pad with wings) But dammit, the kids looked gorgeous last night. Ryan continued to kill it as he has done all season long, but noodles, don’t we all know that nary an AI hand ever touches a hair on the metrosexual’s metrosexual? What warmed the cockles of my black little heart was that Adam and Kris continued to define sexy in completely different but equally yummy ways. And the fact that the more I hate Gokey, the hotter he gets. Next week, I expect him to spontaneously combust into a pool of goateed hotness and smarm. But my favorite, oh by far my favorite, was our little Manic Panic chola. Was that a toned down, almost restrained shade of pink with tasteful, black lowlights on her head? Was she rocking a gorgeous black and white chiffon skirt and black bustier that was elegant and yet age appropriate? Did she almost remind one of the late, great Ms. Diana Vreeland in her carefully chosen chunky and whimsical accessories? (Loved the rings most especially) What? Noodles, we loved, no? Even Matt, with Vonn Smith’s stolen bucket hat and an ill fitted suit (Why, hello, too much cuff!), made an attempt to look appropriately Rat Pack-ian. Many, many snaps, tranny/hos. I don’t know how long you can keep this up, but for one night, you were magnificent.

Ricky Minor and the Band

Simon only noted the boffo arrangement laid down for Gokey, but Ricky and Co. had their best outing of the season last night, much like their charges did, no? They caressed those notes on Allison’s tender take on Someone to Watch Over Me. They were mellifluous as Kris sexily oozed his way through The Way You Look Tonight. They commanded the stage as Danny went crazy on the end of Come Rain or Come Shine. And when Adam Lambert came sexy swaggering down those red lit stairs on Feelin’ Good, the music was saucy, sassy, and dead sexy over the top, much like the man who was sauntering right out of our dreams and into our pants. And while Matt’s chops weren’t quite up to the task, I thought the arrangement on My Funny Valentine was first rate. Sad about the key change fiasco. We all know who to blame it on, don’t we kiddies? Which brings us to . . .

Kick Ass Mentor

So Jamie Foxx wanted to throw Kris to the ground and ravish him and then take him on tour for some free range booty on tap, was bedazzled by Adam and his “FIGJAM but you like it” ways, struggled with the fact that Allison is a tremendous vocal talent yet kind of a cipher in real life, was dying to get up in Frikkin’ Gokey’s grill and smack the smug right out of him, and sabotaged Matt? He’s OK by me, kittens. Let’s just get Jamie to come ‘round every week and talk real talk to these fools, shall we? I can even forgive him for giving perhaps the most spectacularly misguided and wrong headed advice in the history of Idol mentors to Matt. If I know only one thing, it is that the verses to My Funny Valentine will scrape against the bottom of anyone’s lower register, while the bridge and chorus will take you right past your upper register if you let them. The trick is to sing the verse a step above your natural key and then find a way to arrange the song so that you can come in on the chorus and the bridge maybe a half step lower so you don’t strain for the notes. Everyone who’s ever tried to sing along with Chaka Khan knows this. So what the hell kind of mentoring was that, Jamie Foxx? The kind of mentoring that doesn’t actually mentor. Not everyone has access to Pro-Trax and a vocoder, mmmkay? That said, if he helps finally, finally rid us of the goat voice vibrato, I will love him even more than I already did for the Miley Cyrus beatdown.

Great Songs Sung Greatly

Set aside the fact that I highly doubt that any of these songs were ever in a Rat Pack set list, y’all. The kids just uniformly made good choices last night. Songs that fit their voices and personalities. And for the most part, they knocked it out vocally.

Kris Allen/The Way You Look Tonight – Hotter than the sun. I loved how he started out soft and slow and then changed up the tempo mid-song to a nice rhythmic groove and rode that all the way out to the last note and steamy stare into the camera. And if that sounded like I was talking about sex, well, I was. Noodles, I think Simon and I might’ve both used the adjective “wet” to describe that performance but in completely different contexts. Can I say that I loved it? Kris has hit his grown and sexy stride.

Allison Iraheta/Someone to Watch Over Me – This kid sings so over her head. It’s ridiculous, really, is what it is. Depth, passion, emotion, connection. Manic Panic laid it all out on that stage last night. The performance was breathtaking. And then she opened her mouth to speak. Kittens, I totally got what Simon was saying. There is a difference between thinking you can win and thinking you will win. Can win still admits the possibility of can’t win. Will win leaves no room for doubt. And will win is what brings the confetti shower at the end of the season in this competition. Now, there is such a thing as too smug will win (See Gokey, Frikkin’ or Fivehead) but that, too, is often what brings the confetti shower. If Manic Panic doesn’t find a way to bring “Performance Allison” into “Live Interview Allison” real soon, she’s gonna find out what fourth feels like.

Random side note: The Dawg pulled out a Brittany Murphy reference? Clueless era or Bobble Head era? And does it even matter? Who references Brittany Murphy in any context whatsoever? That one, throw away line explains sooo much about why Randy Jackson is the pathetic creature that he is.

Matt Giraud/My Funny Valentine – He coulda been a contender, but he listened to Jamie Foxx and now he’s just a bum. And once again, Simon forces me to agree with the Dawg and Judge #4 which means that we are so not friends right now. The key change screwed him utterly on the verses and forced him to scrape along the absolute limits of his lower register, which made him sound out of tune and pitchy. The choruses were fine and even some of the runs were pretty, but, as the Dawg noted, some of them just didn’t quite get there because he was coming into them already in the wrong key. It was a muddle of a performance, is what it was. I will give Simon a sliver of a point back because I did feel that Matt was emotionally connected to this song. And yes, haters, the phrasing was excellent – unexpected and not a copycat of other singers on a well known song that’s impossibly hard to make sound new and fresh. I won’t be sad to see the end of Goat Boy, but I will be sad that he went down following not his own musical instincts but through the diabolical machinations of one Jamie Foxx.

Frikkin Gokey/Come Rain or Come Shine – Love the song choice. Loved the voice. Loved the way the song crescendoed at the end and just allowed him to go full throttle and unleash that gorgeous gift of an instrument. Loved that he toned it down, for him, and kept the cheese factor at bay during the performance. And then, Wham! Darlings, did he just clap for himself? Did he just thank the audience like Jamie Foxx was gonna jump on stage and hand him a fucking Oscar? Did he just congratulate himself for taking Simon’s advice and being even more awesome this week than he usually is? Did he just do the fucking heart hands again? Oh, it’s on, bitch! Do not think you can dazzle me with your voice and I’ll forget about how much of a tool you really are. Frikkin’ Gokey. Can we get that surprise elimination now, please?

Adam Lambert/Feelin’ Good – I honestly don’t have any more words about Adam. He went the farthest off theme of any of the kids last night. The vocals were not pristine, definitely a little pitch problem on the first verse. He may have been the most ridiculously over the top that he’s been since doing Ring of Fire. And I was mesmerized. When he smoldered into that camera as the lights went down and he glistened red like the devil himself come to lead us all into damnation, all I could think of was, “I want me some of that demon ass!” He is magic and already beyond a superstar and into a supernova phenomenon. But kittens, I’m not one of those ones who’s all “I don’t even care if he wins, I just want to see him each week.” Or even worse yet one of those, “It would be better for him if he didn’t win because then he could make the kind of music he really wants to make and not be beholden to 19E.” Fuck that noise. If Adam doesn’t win, the heavens will crumble. The skies will turn black and the rivers run red and all of creation will rebel at the injustice of it all.

And then we’ll be distracted because Glee is having a sneak preview and So You Think You Can Dance is coming back. But I really want Adam to win all the same, noodles. Don’t you?

Rock Week without Allison? That’s unpossible. I hope y’all did the right thing.