American Idol S8 Extra Get Offa My Lawn

These kids are too damn young, noodles. I’m trying to wrap my head around songs from the year of your birth night when the year of your birth happened in the late 80's/early 90's, but honestly. 1981 is already on notice for being the year of the last disco hangover and producing absolute dreck like the Stars on 45 Medley and anything by Foreigner. And 1993 is too young to have a "best of" anything. Talk to me when you hit drinking age. Kittens, I’m perplexed. Nonetheless, since we have to have this mostly useless theme, I’m going to lay out my suggested plan of attack for each of the remaining contestants and then we’ll see how close they come to choosing the right song (which would obviously be one of my songs). Of course, you’ll see that on TV while I will see that live and in person since I am going to the taping tomorrow night. What, what?

That’s right, kittens. Your very own will be in the house. Close enough to Ryan to touch the hem of the bespoke suit. Close enough to Simon to give him a good smack upside the head and tell him to snap out of it. Close enough to do serious bodily harm to Judge #4. Enjoy this preview, noodles, because the official recap is going to be late if it comes at all. I may be dead from breathing the rarified air of the CBS studios. Or, Paula may share the contents of her cup with me and the “Coke” may put me down for the count for several weeks.

Danny Gokey - 1981

Of course. How could it be otherwise? 1981, you are on notice. The pickings are slim in this, the year of songs that sucked ass, but there are two that might allow me to ignore the general unpleasantness of the whole Gokey thing and just go back to enjoying his admittedly beautiful voice:

Lady (You Bring Me Up), Commodores – Of course this could go horribly, horribly, “Get Ret-ty”, dancing with back up singers wrong. And probably would given who we are discussing. But it could also be kind of amazing. This song is classic Commodores funk, it’s fun and it’s Pre-Lionel becoming some washed up pop has been, which means he worked it out on the vocals. I admit the risk of nightmare inducing crotch dancing is extreme, but no guts, no glory, right kittens?

You Make My Dreams, Daryl Hall and John Oates – Gokey has the chops to do this white boy soul classic justice. Two upbeat songs? I know what you are thinking. And no, I’m not a masochist. I can’t take any more treacle from the ghoulish widower. If I have to have him on my TV screen, I want fun, goofy Gokey. No more of the dead wife drudgery. And did I mention about 1981 and the slim pickings?


Adam Lambert – 1982

Much like our boy, 1982 is magic, darlings. And really, he’s proven that he can do anything and make me love it and be slightly horrified by it and more than a little bit turned on yet repulsed all at the same time. And then beg for more. I could’ve put the whole list of top 100 songs down just to see what he would do with them, but if our little alien love god were to sing any of the songs below, well. Let’s just say that we might have a Youtube worthy incident pop off on the Idol stage as some crazed fan attacks an unsuspecting contestant on the Idol stage tomorrow night. You have been forewarned.

I Love Rock N' Roll, Joan Jett and The Blackhearts – Rocker Adam throwing in a little gender bending fun. (Bonus points if he wouldn’t change the pronouns in the song) I am already loving it. He could do it a little Brittney, breathy style, or classic Joan Jett, rocker growl howl. Or he could turn it into a sexy, slow burn ballad to his one true love, rock music. Yeah, I might like that.

Don't You Want Me, Human League – Yes, yes I do. That’s all. (Imagine if Manic Panic came out and dueted with him? Heaven!)

Hurts So Good, John Cougar – “Sink you teeth right through my bones baby/Let’s see what we can do” Kittens, I feel faint. So, all of the songs that I’ve chosen for him are about sex. Just be prepared for this. This could be amazingly fun and it could also serve to completely finish breaking the spirits and warping the minds of country music fans everywhere. Two birds with one stone.

Tainted Love, Soft Cell – How could I not? Darlings, I’ll take either the original emo/new romantic version (bonus points if he breaks into the synth pop Where Did Our Love Go? at the end) or the Marilyn Manson version. He could rock both non-stop.

Let It Whip, Dazz Band – Cognitive dissonance of the best kind. Imagine the dance moves. I think he really might just whip it out right on the stage if he sang this song. Wouldn’t that be a new frontier in AI, kiddies?

Open Arms, Journey – Because all the scuttle butt is that he got jobbed out of singing Don’t Stop Believin’ last week, and just from the tiny little lick he got in during the group lip synch, you can tell that shit would’ve been amaaaaazzzziiinnnggg. He would out diva Mariah’s version and probably send the Dawg into anaphylactic shock if he sang this song.

Gloria, Laura Branigan – I think he may have been Laura Branigan in a former life. That is all.

Kids In America, Kim Wilde – So in my secret heart of hearts, this is the one I think I really want to see him do. Every parent’s worst fear is that someone like Adam Lambert and the rest of his AI cohorts are the actual physical manifestation of today’s young man and woman. And it’s true, noodles, it’s all so true. Narcissistic. Manic. Sexually ambiguous. Conservatively promiscuous. Self aware. Totally oblivious. Serious and ridiculous. Adam Lambert is the new Obama America. This is what the Boomer’s lax parenting has wrought. And I love it.

Lil Rounds - 1984

I don’t really want to hear her singing anything, because I’ve decided that I’m over her. I know, I know, darlings. I said I would give her a free pass for one more week, but nope. She’s turned into the Vonzell of the season when I was hoping for at least the Latoya London. Therefore, she may sing one of the following bland songs from a fairly bland year blandly:

Missing You, John Waite – ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Girls Just Want To Have Fun, Cyndi Lauper – The second most boring song from one of the least boring artists of all time. Perfect for Lil. I would have to start loving her again if she were to bust out the completely awesome, chilled out, kind of reggae version of this song that Cyndi Lauper put out on her retrospective album Twelve Deadly Cyns (which is a great album that you should all run, don’t walk to buy right this minute). Anyway, Kittens, if Lil did this then we might talk about her possibly, maybe getting back into my good graces.

Time After Time, Cyndi Lauper – The first most boring song from one of the least boring artists of all time. It’s so cheesy now, I don’t know that there’s any saving it, although I used to watch this video and cry and cry and cry at how frikkin’ beautiful this song was. No bombast, no vocal tricks. Just sit there and sing it pretty and even though this song has been ravaged by time for me, Lil might win back my heart with a straightforward, touching rendition.

Love Is A Battlefield, Pat Benatar – This song is, was, and will always be made of awesome. Y’all remember what Brooke White did to this song last year? Yeah, Lil can’t do it like that. But wasn’t that seventeen different flavors of awesome, kittens? Wouldn’t you like to see something half as cool tomorrow night? If I’m dreaming, please don’t wake me up.

Kris Allen - 1986

Why were so many of these kids born in 1986? Why do all of the kids born in 1986 appear to be not the same age? Like at all? These are the mysteries that keep me up at night, noodles. Anywho, 1986 had a lot of rocking songs, and oddly enough, they seem to divide evenly among our Year of the Tiger contestants. Let’s start with the suddenly blazing hot Kris, because he’s grrrrrrrreat.

Higher Love, Steve Winwood – Blue eyed soul. Mmm Mmmmm. And this song would provide some excellent, side mouth singing opportunities. Seriously, he could totally do that sexy, slinky thing that he has been bringing with a vengeance the last couple of weeks on this cut, have the back up singers wailing along and get Ricky Minor and the band (who were much improved last week, no?) to tear it up. Funky and delicious.

I'm Your Man, Wham! – The best Wham! song ever (surprisingly strong category, to be sure). Kris has been bringing it with the slow songs and the sweet vocals the last couple of weeks. I would like him to do a more up tempo, have fun song. And yes, I do remember the spazz dancing. I want to throw him a challenge. Can he maintain the sexy swagger or will he be relegated back to puppy love cuteness. How would the hottie handle it? Only Wham! can tell us. Also, you just know George Michael would like a piece of that.

Small Town, John Cougar Mellencamp – I just love this song. Vintage, vintage. And I think Kris could do well with this song. I actually don’t think he should sing it because it would not appeal to his teenybopper fan base, but I would certainly enjoy it. And isn’t it all about me, really, kiddies? Of course it is.

Anoop Desai - 1986

True Colors, Cyndi Lauper – If Lil got the worst of Cyndi, then Anoop and 86 definitely get one of the best. And he has the vocals to deliver. I don’t know what happens to him on up tempo numbers other than My Prerogative. Some random frat tool takes over and it’s really unattractive. But on ballads, you cannot touch this fool. I want to see him bring the geeky sweetheart sexy and melt the audience into a pile of goo, and this song is one of the best for that.

The Sweetest Taboo, Sade – He could also bring the goddamn swagger sexy that he is packing by the truck load and sing me some Sade. I have seen men tear it up on Sade cuts (and if you don’t believe me, peep Javier’s version of By Your Side and thank me later). This has soul, a lovely beat and a hook that can’t be denied. I think he would do well with something a little bit jazzier, too. And once again, sexy for days. And there’s no way to sing this in anything approximating a Member’s Only Jacket, a letterman’s sweater or anything that might’ve been worn on the Rhythm Nation tour, so that would seriously cut down on the possibility for fashion faux pas, no?

Matt Giraud - 1986

Holding Back The Years, Simply Red – I think he could kill on this song and make me remember that one time where I really liked him. Simple piano and a spotlight. He could be calm and give in to the soulfulness naturally there in him. And the goat voice vibrato would actually work here, since, let’s face it, Mick did get down just like that a lot of the time. This kid's never going to be my American Idol, but I think he could kill with this song and have himself a bonafide “moment”.

Life In A Northern Town, Dream Academy – This song does not get enough credit for the sheer kick assedness that it brings. I don’t know what the hell the song is about, but it sounds deep and meaningful. And I think it would suit Matt's voice and style. Again, a classic "sit at the piano and sing" song. It’s a singer’s song. And he could do it justice if he could keep his nerves in check. Besides, this is what The Fray and Coldplay and all those other bands that represent “who he wants to be as an artist” would’ve sounded like if they’d been making music back in 1986, so that should work out well for him.

White Stevie Wonder - 1986

No One Is To Blame, Howard Jones – Kittens, Howard Jones is awesome and this song is one of his more accessible ones, so there’s that. The melody is not too terribly demanding, so I don’t think it would be beyond White Stevie’s very limited capabilities. And while I hate him and everything about him, I don’t hate the song, so I might get some minimal level of enjoyment out of his performance.

I'll Be Over You, Toto – If White Stevie is going to insist on giving us Lite FM, then he might as well go with the classics. I actually think this song would kick his ass, because it’s really hard to sing, quiet as it’s kept. Muzak for the masses.

Allison Iraheta - 1993

Sigh. These kids are too damn young. This isn’t even a real birth year. I have pants older than this girl. Anyway, 1993 kicked butt and so does Manic Panic. What could she sing? Much like Adam, the better question is what couldn’t she sing? But here’s what would put me over the moon if I heard her belt it out:

Lately, Jodeci – I’m still waiting for Manic Panic to show of her tender side and sing me a pretty ballad with just a stool and a spotlight a la Paula’s perfectly reasonable request of weeks ago. (And no, Don’t Speak doesn’t count. That's a kiss off song, not a tender ballad, and kind of a crappy one at that) I think she could tear the house down on this song. And OK, so it’s really not from 1993, but that’s never stopped the show before. She can just say that she’s doing the Jodeci version.

I'll Never Get Over You (Getting Over Me), Expose – Expose is a much slept on great band of Latina hotties from the late 80's/early 90's, as I'm sure y'all know because y'all rock, and this is the last excellent song they ever made. It’s a ballad that would allow her to be vulnerable and stretch out those pipes. I don’t really know what Allison'supper register can do, but I’d sure like to find out. Wouldn’t you, darlings?

Bed Of Roses, Bon Jovi – So, not my favorite Bon Jovi song, but still a classic with a little bit of edge that I think our Manic Panic chola could sink her teeth into. As we saw with the tragic S6 JBJ night, Bon Jovi songs are no joke. JBJ has some serious chops and a ridiculous range. One might almost call it Whithney-esque. Allison could bring it here.

Cryin', Aerosmith – The thought of jailbait age Allison belting the hell out of this song whose video launched a jailbait age Alicia Silverstone to international fame and made her the object of desire for pervy old men the world over has a certain symmetry, doesn’t it? This is my absolute favorite choice for Allison. She’s got the whole raspy, blues-y voiced rocker thing going anyway. Jeans and chains and a little skin and this song and bam! Hello, votes. This is a guaranteed, no bottom three song, noodles. But really, I will love anything she sings, because she is made of awesome.

That’s it, bitches. I’m going to see the Idols tomorrow and you are not. I love how that sounds! See you on the flip side.