Oh, Noodles. Judge #4 really is the funky gift that keeps on stankin’, isn’t she? Y’all know that her lusty loins were the impetus behind the judges wasting the save on the goat voice vibrato boy. Not that I care, because he has as much of a shot at winning this show as Ricky Braddy or Ju’not Joyner do at this point. I actually think Ricky might have a better chance of being named your next American Idol. Sigh. Well, kittens, I suppose that the judges had to use the latest in this season’s long line of failed “innovations” and I was always gonna hate it no matter when or on who it was unleashed. C’est la vie. I have every confidence that Matt’s ass will go home next week anyway, just as god intended. Thus, Judge #4 has only postponed the inevitable and revealed herself to be even more tasteless than ever, and also a raging cougar, but we already knew that, didn’t we darlings? On to last night’s results show which was bad in just the right ways that made it kind of awesome.
First of all, kittens, can we deal with the fact that Ryan is killing it with the look this season? Killing it. I could eat him up with a spoon he was so yummy last night. The London cut suits, the tie clip, the close cropped ‘do and that natural Seacrest-ian charisma. Y’all, he’s single handedly making up for the fact that hair and wardrobe have been taken over by coked up monkeys. Which, I know I gripe, noodles, but I gripe because I secretly love. I can’t wait to see if Paula’s breasts actually pull off their daring attempt to escape from her clothing this season and share their special sauce with the world. I’m waiting with bated breath for the day that the angry trannys in hair and make up just stick a fright wig on Lil’s head and call it a day. I want to see if the crack whores in wardrobe can put enough epaulets and insignias and zippers and medallions and shiny metal buttons and boxy cropped jackets and peg leg pants on the kids to convince some banana republic that they are a small yet mighty military force and then attempt a violent coup which results in the tragic, on air death of Judge #4. I want more Kris Allen in flannel shirts looking ridiculously lickable and Adam Lambert in pants so tight I can tell his religion and a suddenly smoking Gokey rocking the hell out of the George Michael 5:00 shadow. That’s just first of all, kittens.
Second of all, the kids sang their butts off on Maniac. The first four were completely on point right out the gate, what? And it was live! I knew they had it in them, darlings. Kris sounded amazing. Allison was in glorious voice while completely flubbing the lyrics like she does all the damn time anyway. Anoop sounded so good that I think he actually surprised himself and subsequently almost ate it trying to get down the stairs. Even Matt reigned in the vibrato and showed that gorgeous tone he has that makes me so frustrated when he throws it away trying to do too much most of the time. And then Adam came in and schooled them on how to make anything sound like it’s about sex and Lil came on and actually sang on pitch which may or may not have caused her weave to curl up on the ends. That was the best worst group sing of the entire season.
Third of all, I didn’t care at all about the AI-lettes fake trip to see the 17 Again premiere, although I will note that we’ve all seen Big already, so why do we need this movie? However, I did love that Zac Efron is a big old closet case and he came to the show dressed exactly like a low rent knock off Adam Lambert so you know he would like to tap that ass. And also, I will never tire of the other contestants rippin’ on Gokey. Y’all, they hate him just as much as we do. Old ass Gokey. That’s some funny shit right there.
As for the rest, well J. Hud was fire. I refuse to recap Miley Cyrus and whatever it is that America thinks that she does well but I was praying that Jamie Foxx was in the audience with some heroin. And WTF on Randy yawning through Ryan’s announcement of the B3? Bitch, you get paid millions of dollars to do this, so drink a Red Bull, zip up your purple cardigan and act like you give a damn while these kids are pouring their hearts out on the stage for your amusement. Gah. Only my love for America’s Best Dance Crew keeps me from wishing fervently for Randy’s death. He’s next on my hit list after we take out Judge #4.
Next week, we got disco night. I’ll give my pearls of wisdom on what I think the kiddies should tackle anon, but let me just say that I fear for Anoop. Disco will bring out all the cheesy things in him that make him less than awesome. Oh, and I will loathe it if someone sings Turn the Beat Around and may have a snit fit. Fun for y'all, but horrible for my smooth, unlined forehead.
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Totally on board with your commentary. Thanks for saying hello on my blog :)
ReplyDeleteI am worried that Anoop will be cheesy again too, but I am holding onto a glimmer of hope that he'll pull out a showstopper.
Check my blog for my song picks. Totally agree on Ryan's suits. See my post for more on that too.
Oh yes, and I will slit my throat if I have to hear "Turn the Beat Around." If Gloria Estefan can't do a serviceable cover of it, you know the Idol kiddos should avoid it like the plague.