American Idol S8 Ep 8 Where You’re Terrific If You’re Even Good

Hollywood, bitches! To quote that great soothsayer, Project Runway’s forgotten contestant Raimundo, “Drama has to happen.” Let’s get it on.

Hmm? What’s that you say? What happened to episode seven? I’m sorry, was there something before Hollywood week? I must’ve missed it. There was no dude in a rat suit and a cardboard ipod contraption. The word “guypod” has never been uttered. Nope. No tacky Luis Mi wannabes. No questionably curly haired “singers” who we all know will get cut. No Norman Gentle. Nooooooo!!!! Dear lord, why? It did not happen. Are we clear?

Good. Then let’s get it on.

Kittens, let’s start with a truth for our home viewers. The Kodak Theater is a shitty piece of stucco and famewhore stench that’s located in the middle of the world’s tackiest mall. You know the type with a hipster bowling alley? With all the neon lights and the early 90’s rocker music? And Hollywood itself is fake and as nasty as Rose Flack’s feet. Full of just the type of posers who kill themselves to get on this show. Please ignore Ryan and the shots of frolicking and fun. Unless you want to see fifteenth rate Marilyn Monroe impersonators and the sad trappings of what was once Graumann’s (now Mann’s) Chinese Theater, then just say no.

And yet, I’m so excited for Hollywood Week! Oh, show, how do you do what you do? I’ll admit that this first episode hasn’t given us anything approaching the Brittenum Twin magic or Brokenote Cowboy, but still. I love it so. I even love the new twist – Idol Boot camp. For some of these kids, makeovers can’t come soon enough. And who doesn’t love Barry Manilow? Idol came with the big name mentor during Hollywood Week, what? And he tossed out the first “Make it your own” of the season. Someone’s been doing his homework. And darlings, how cute was Ryan tonight in his blue shirt? So cute! And the hair gel was on point. The show is always better when Seacrest is at his metrosexual best.

As usual, we didn’t see nearly enough of the good to great folks, but there were enough comers to make it worth my while. Let’s see the three faces of Hollywood, shall we?

Screwy Ballyhooey Hollywood

Lil Rounds – Still made of awesome. Did she, perhaps, go a little over the top screaming that Whitney song at the judges? Well, yes. (And note to Lil: You’re better than that. Don’t join the loud is the new good cult. Let Mindy Doo be your guide) But it doesn’t matter, noodles, because we loooove her and she already has her ticket stamped to Top 36.

Anouk Desai – I love it when folks that I’ve completely forgotten about from the audition rounds totally sneak up on me and surprise me anew. I loved this kid. Cargo shorts, no? He has a lovely voice. And he’s a cutie. Very cool vibe.

Jasmine Murray – Another one that I liked from early round auditions but had kinda faded from my memory. She is double cute, y’all. Like puppies and kittens and ducklings cute. And she was one of the few kids last night who made a good song choice. You can’t go wrong with the original Idol Ms. Kelly Clarkson provided you can deliver. And she gave us a solid take on this Love, Actually classic. She doesn’t have the EEEEEE just yet (reserved at this time exclusively for Ms. Kelly Clarkson and D’archie when he’s good) but she might get it before all is said and done.

Stephen Fowler – I did not know this ‘fro man at all, but he came out and threw down. Very pretty voice. Work it out, ‘fro man. I got my eye on you.

Jackie Tohn – I wasn’t a huge fan of hers the first go round. Perhaps it was the leotard, noodles? But I will admit that tonight I found her charming in her interview and I was groovin’ on the gritty, rocker chick thing she was working. Somebody’s got to fill the Amanda Overmyer slot. Might as well be her. I’m sure I’ll tire of her soon enough ‘cause honestly, isn’t she kind of a one trick pony? But for now, we are pleased, no?

Danny Golke – Amazingly, he continues to overcome the dead wife sob story by bringing it with crystalline vocals. He had a wonderful tone singing a really, really tough song. Any karaoke denizen will tell you that Kiss from a Rose is no joke. And he totally pulled it off. Good on, ya. I’ve no wish to see his dead wife or his creepy friend anymore, but I suspect we’re stuck with both as long as he is around. And for now, his voice is enough to make me want to keep him on the show. I wonder when things will reach the tipping point.

Oilman He man (AKA Jeremy Sarver) – Still loving on him! This fool can really blow. And he has legitimately cute kids. Go ‘head, Oilman He man. At this rate, I’ll have to start calling him by name soon.

David Osmond – Good voice? Check. Toothy and clean cut cuteness? Check. Boring as all get out? Check. Still don’t care all that much? But you knew that.

Terrific If You’re Even Good Hollywood

Darlings, here’s the section of the recap where we lament all the seemingly good people that we missed. Frankie Jordan? Would’ve loved to see her again. White Stevie Wonder? Not so much, but I certainly would’ve taken him over Dennis “Baby Dreads” Brigham. Mr. Wicked, the only good thing about the SF auditions? Yes, please. Heck, even Brent Keith Smith would’ve at least brought the pretty. And you want me to believe that Jessica Furney did worse than Bikini Girl without showing me so much as a snippet of her audition. Hell to the naw! And what of the faces in the crowd that got passed through that we still know nothing about? Cute black girl with ringlets, I wish we could’ve seen her, or the girl in the blue top, Asia something or other, was adorable. Why didn’t we see her? Did we really need to see that boy with his arm in a sling scream at the camera one more time? Or Simon and Paula have their five millionth lover’s quarrel? Ok, then.

Here’s the section where we also lament some questionable judges calls. To whit:

Nathanial Marshall – Time for more home truths, kiddies. All teenagers think that they have gone through tragic circumstances. And obviously gay teenage boys with way too many tattoos and piercings? Yeah, take that and multiply it by about a billion. But I’m not buying. Save that drama for your momma. On the real, your boy chose a crappy song and didn’t seem like he could really sing all that well. He should’ve gotten the big “Thank you for playing.” Instead, we get to send him off to the group sing where he can break down in new and even more uninteresting ways. Bored now.

Von Smith – Is still too loud. TOO LOUD. And he has such a pretty instrument, y’all. It’s a shame, really. If he could only take it down about 1000 notches, he might really have something working. I really want to like him, so here’s hoping that moving forward, he will decide to stop screaming at me. Work with me, here Von.

Jorge Nunez – Made a huge improvement from Puerto Rico and I still really don’t like him, but he was adorable after making it through, and at this stage, cute buys you a lot. So float on, Jorge.

Phony Super Coney Hollywood

Why did we waste time with these people who, for the most part, didn’t even bother to bring the drama along with their satchel full of requisite badness? Yeah, I give up. But they were there, so they are here in this recap.

Dennis Brigham – Couldn’t sing the first time, couldn’t sing this time. Dude’s a joke. And worst of all, when presented with an opportunity to bust on fools, he couldn’t even clap back. I’ve heard six year olds on the playground snap punks in two and the best this kid can do is a lame joke about Simon’s too tight shirts? Yeah, run along, son. You bother me.

Rose “Filthy Feet” Flack – I do not care about her dead parents. I do not care about her pickaninny braids. I do not care about her played out maxi dress or her manufactured drama. Her filthy feet and the fact that she was still unshod running around the streets of Hollywood distress me and her black soles will haunt my dreams. But what really chafes, kittens, is that she can’t sing all that well. Certainly not well enough to try to play around with the melody on an Otis song, any Otis song, and for damn sure not on Dock of the Bay which is hard enough to sing straight. I really, really want her to go home and take her sob story with her.

Nick/Norman Mitchell/Gentle – Has a really good voice on the QT. Which just makes me mad that he’s such a chickenshit that he has to hide behind this annoying character. He has a decent voice and should trust it and trust us to like him for it. The fact that he’s playing this elaborate joke on mainly himself is the most pathetic thing I can think of. Simon was right. Ad infinitum.

Jamar Rogers – I can try to like the dead wife kid, but not if we have to keep dragging this no talent clown along with him. He can’t sing. Nope. Still. Can’t. Sing. And what the hell is that on his cheek? Mole? Tattoo? Booger? Just dirty? Somebody please tell this fool to step off.

Katrina Darrel – I’m so bored with this one now. I just don’t care anymore. She’s so ordinary and everyone knows that if Simon’s dick somehow gets her into the Top 36, she’ll never make Top 12. The whole sexist bullshit is just so gross and she’s every reason that people throw out there for why this show sucks ass without actually representing anything that this show is about. It’s embarrassing and will be better for everyone when it’s finally done.

Jesus is for the Kids – Still can’t sing any better than your Uncle Tyrone at the backyard BBQ. And he had the nerve to be throwing attitude after he was cut like someone forced him to come on the show. Um, hello. You dragged your not really all that cute kids onto the set with you and begged to be sent through. And then the judges basically told you that you really weren’t good enough to get through but they were going to send you through because they felt sorry for your kids. Catch a clue, dipwad.

Erika Wellsley – Had a fair to middlin’ voice and seriously stank attitude. Why should she have gotten a second chance when none of the other kids did? Parents of America, do you see the entitled little snots that you are unleashing on the world? Get on your j-o-b. For real. Oh, also, Paula and Simon fight number 29 redux. Yawn.

Emily Hughes – I hated this fake ass poser the first time we had to sit through her tired shtick. She’s like a female Fivehead. Her song choice was crap and it was poorly sung. And the judges were always going to put her through because they see dollar signs and a tidy little box to put her in, so the attempt at building suspense was wasted. Welcome to the show, Emily. We’ll see you out long before Top 8. Trust that this is true. Ask Amanda or Amy Adams.


Hollywood week Day One is done. It was just a’ight for me, dawg. (And I never thought I'd say this, but damn, y'all, I miss Randy this season. Frikkin’ Kara Diotimesuck) Tomorrow is the group sing and that girl with the crazy red weave is gonna go off on somebody. And it will be tremendous.