Kittens, I know I said I wouldn’t talk about Judge #4, but seriously, she’s even worse in the live show environment than on tape delay, isn’t she? She inspired a new phrase today. Karababble. I was saying it in my head every time Judge #4 was spouting nonsense tonight. Obvi, I used it a lot. Yes, Kara Diodumbshit is like school on Christmas. No class. And here I took Ryan’s adorable brown vee-neck sweater and snazzy new hair to be a sign of good things to come. (Yes, Simon. We noticed!) And also the fact that Ryan obviously hates Judge #4, too. The View. Hee! You slay me, you wee, gay man. So we dealt with Karababble and everything from mostly inoffensive if bland to heinous performances. Three clear standouts raged against the insidious influence of the Karababble and by rights should be going through. But on one of them, I hope I’m wrong.
Top 3 Material
Danny Gokey/Hero – Simon made a valiant attempt at de-pimping, no kiddies? He really gave it the old college try. But everyone else? Out of control. The pimp slot? Doing a recap on the dead wife story? The constant cuts to hanger on supreme, Jamar? And he doesn’t even need it, y’all. He took the treacly mess that is Mimi’s Hero and sang the hell out of it. The fool can flat out blow. Just let him sing. He’s the truth. And if the show doesn’t ease back, they will find him Doolittled and out third. But for tonight, at least, he laid it down. I’ll be shocked if he doesn’t make Top 12.
Alexis Grace/I Ain’t Never Loved A Man - And the nasty Manic Panic hair is in response to the “Get dirty” comment from the first round audition show. See how Judge #4 ruins everything? But I was pleased for the most part with Alexis. Somewhere between Hollywood and . . . well, Hollywood, she learned no to shout all the time, which is a very good thing. It was a little The Commitments, but overall quite good. And it was here that I saw that Paula was rocking the Tati Star bracelet. I’m not even mad, Ma. Make that money. She’s a cutie with a voice that you don’t expect to come out of that package, as P-Dawg and Simon noted. Not even close to the EEEEeeee, though. Ms. Kelly Clarkson? Yeah, Simon kinda lost his mind there.
And now for something new and different . . .
Ricky Braddy/A Song for You – So, Paula was right, what? I mean, he’s kind of ugly as sin and as Simon noted, when it comes to star power, well, he’s a great gift to the chicken finger industry. That said, he didn’t have a terrible voice. I think he lacked the requisite soul to sing this song well (I mean, he didn’t even realize that Donny Hathaway pwns this song) and his version of it didn’t really resonate. But on a night of questionable performances, he showed a nice tone and an ability to stay on pitch, which had him coming out on top. But on the real, y’all, he’s got no pizzaz. And Judge #4 continued to show her ignorance here by insisting that “star quality” is not what the show is about right now. Seriously, noodles. Has she ever watched this show? Star quality is all that this show is about right now. Only three will get through out of 12 in each of the next three rounds. As Em says, “You only get one shot/do not miss your chance to blow.” In their two minutes, these kids have got to motherfuckin’ pop off that screen like Orville Redenbacher’s. If they don’t sizzle, they will be taking their broke broke home. If Ricky somehow makes Top 12, then he can do the slow burn and have the Phil Stacy growth arc. But he has to get there first. Judge #4 is a twit. Still, I’ll give it up to Paula’s honeydip. He sang well.
When Bad Songs Happen to Good People
Wherein we will examine the “No, baby song” choice and the “bitch song” choice. Kittens, we all know that there are many, many great songs that should nonetheless never ever be sung on this fake ass show. Tonight, half the contestants chose from the “No, baby song” catalogue. Many whom I like a lot. And then, we have the bitch song. Y’all, I really don’t have anything against men singing songs originally done by women (or vice versa) but there is a subset of songs I like to call the bitch song. It’s a song so indelibly steeped in a female POV, so unequivocally a “woman’s” song, that unless you are doing a completely knowing take on the song (which I think is beyond most AI contestants, if I’m being honest) they are not going to work for a man. Tonight, a couple of the men chose from the “bitch song” catalogue. Suffice it to say that between the “No, baby song” and the “bitch song”, carnage ensued.
Jackie Tohn/A Little Less Conversation – Noodles, this song has never been done well by anyone on this show. It should never be attempted unless one is forced into it on some hideous theme night. And it definitely shouldn’t have been done the way Jackie chose to do it. Y’all, what was this slowed down, sexed up, kinda cabaret version of this song? I was so confused. And did she just talk her way through the whole song? Talk and wiggle in her Grease era Olivia Newton John shiny leggings and strapless sweetheart top and super wide red leather belt and tennis shoes? What the fuck, Jackie Tohn? (Although, Paula capping on Randy’s Journey era wardrobe? P-Dawg was en fuego tonight!) I hated that all the way through and didn’t find anything entertaining. And I had been enjoying Jackie up til then. Felled by the “Baby, no song”.
Sidebar: The technical difficulties in tonight’s show were really a bit much. I think 19 E brought over the incompetent production team from last season’s SYTYCD. To which I can only say, Hell to the Naw! Loosen the purse strings, Fuller, and get your crew tight.
Brent Keith (Smith)/Hicktown – First off, it was way too late to try to drum up a sob story for this fool. And before he even launched into this, we’d all read the stories all over the net about how this fool went fairly far on Nashville Star. Truth be told, I don’t care. What I do care about was the complete “Baby, no song” he busted out. I’ve heard this song before. It’s a bona fide barn burner. Not my cup of tea, but the fool who sings it tears the house down. And BKS is by no means a “tear the house down, Rebel yell” country guy. He’s a Mr. Smooth country guy. He’s way too much of a pretty boy to do this hillbilly song justice. And Simon, as usual, brought the only relevant critique. That song was not a risk for him at all. It was exactly like the Colonel singing God Bless the U.S.A. last season, a naked attempt to send a coded message to a certain type of AI voter. And the message, “I kind of suck and don’t sing very well but vote for me or the terrorists win.” I hated this. Simon hated this. And I think his wife was about to agree with Simon before Seacrest cut her off, which would’ve ruled! But Seacrest is just too good at his job. Curse you, wee foxy one! Foiled again.
Casey Carlson/Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic – Alright, darlings. After Brooke’s debacle last year with Every Breath You Take, it ought to be an unwritten rule that you don’t do The Police on Idol, no? I mean, here’s the thing about The Police songs, they are awesome, but they have no range for the most part. And they rest a lot on funky, quirky little underbeats and elements of ska and reggae that don’t necessarily come out unless you are singing with a band not led by Ricky Minor. And Sting, say what you will about him, has a kinda cool, jazzy phrasing that he unleashes at every occasion but especially on more up tempo joints (And seriously, why did she sing it so slowly?). Overall, this just sucked tremendous amounts of ass. When Paula takes it to the beautiful place, you know it’s over. Oh well, I still didn’t have any memory of who this one even was, so no big loss, noodles.
Michael Sarver/I Don’t Wanna Be – So my lovely He-Man Oilman flamed out on the AI National Anthem. As soon as they started listing out who had attempted this song in the past, I winced. He-Man Oilman had nothing in common with any of them. Believe it or not Randy “The Dawg” Jackson had the relevant point here (though overall this was a sad return to useless form for Randy. He’d been so absent in the early rounds that I forgot how he really doesn’t add any value to the show). This song was so not him and didn’t show anything about who he might be as an artist. And of course, he also didn’t sing it well. He was flat, flat, flat and out of tune from the jump. Honestly, I was shocked that Randy didn’t break out pitchy, because if any performance were crying out for it, it was this one. And the judges tried to soft peddle this, but it was bad y’all. I’m thinking if America doesn’t put him through, he may make the wild card short list. And hopefully, he’ll pick a better song. All together now, “No, baby.”
Ann Marie Boskovic/Natural Woman – And the Dawg remained on fire here. Though a blind man could’ve seen this one coming. This song was all kinds of too big for her. I like Anne Marie, I really do. And I think she has a great voice. But it’s not a belter’s voice. And this is a song for a capital "B" Belter. J-Hud. Or, you know, Aretha. So, I think she’s toast, which is sad, because she has a lovely instrument with, what’s that? The right song. And even though I didn’t enjoy her performance, I adored her take down of Judge #4. It was beautiful. Even Paula couldn’t resist piling on. Maybe Paula will murder Judge #4 round about mid-season. We live in hope, don’t we, kiddies? Anyway, Anne Marie brought a twig to a knife fight, so she’s gone.
Anouk (Anoop) Desai/Angel of Mine – And now we get to the “bitch song” (and you can also put Ricky Braddy in this category). Look, I love Monica and I love this song, too. But why not just go ahead and sing Unbreak My heart? This is a “bitch song”. It doesn’t work for a man. From the sentiment to the timbre that one would hope to hear in the voice, it’s just a bad choice, even if you sing it well. And Anouk, well, he didn’t sing it all that well. He wasn’t terrible, but there were a couple of spots where he got really sharp and all nasally up in his nasal (in part because he seemed to be trying to sing it like Monica did – yet another reason for men to avoid singing the “bitch song”). I’m sad that Anouk didn’t turn it out. It’s the first time I’ve seen him in the show that I haven’t been genuflecting after his performance. And for that reasons, Kittens, I do think he’ll get through without even needing to go to the wild card round. He’ll beat out his partner in “bitch song”, Ricky, even though Ricky technically sang better tonight. He’s just got the likeability factor (and cutie patootie parents). Still loving on Anouk.
Straight Up Sang Bad OR I Hate You
Stephen Fowler/Rock Wit U – Oh Fro Man, you really let me down. And I disagreed with the entire judges’ panel here, this was an inspired song choice. I think Anouk could’ve turned it out and really wish he’d sung it. Heck, I think Stephen could’ve given it a good go. The problem here was that he started out horribly out of tune. He was so far off the note, he couldn’t have found it with GPS. And he knew it, and everybody knew it and it seemed to completely rattle him and shake his confidence. He battled through, and by the middle of the song he was actually starting to get it somewhat back on track, and I applaud that. But darlings, he does seem to have a penchant for falling apart, no? And I don’t buy the whole “lost without the piano thing”. I mean, again, have these kids not watched the show before? They just started letting contestants play instruments last year and even then, not all the time. So I call huge bullshit on the excuse. He just messed up . . . and that’s a shame because I did really like him. Gotta cut him loose, though.
Stevie Wright – Y’all I don’t even remember what she sang. That’s how bad it was. Was there one note in tune during the whole performance? I really don’t think so. She never found the pitch. It was an abysmal performance. And that’s all I have to say about that. Go home. And take your cow shirt with you.
Tatiana del Toro/Saving All My Love for You – And y’all, at this point, I really just couldn’t. She got the penulti-pimp spot and by this time, it had just been too much. And the thing is, as the judges noted, she did have moments. The last note was lovely. And she acted decidedly less Bedlam bait tonight. But among the many, many things this girl needs to do, a big one is step away from the Whitney. Whitney’s range is tremendous and one of the things that makes her songs so tricky to sing is that she can go from the lowest low notes an alto can hit to the tippy top of the soprano’s register. In order to sing her songs well, you have to have tremendous range. And Tati sure as hell doesn’t have that. Consequently, the beginning of the song was way too low for her and she had to strain so much to try to hit those notes that she barely got her voice above a whisper. I kept wanting some crazy grandma in the audience to jump up with camcorder in hand and cry “Sing out, Tati.” And I adored the judges’ utter confusion at her Sybil-like personality transplant and their frantic attempts to shove her back into her drama queen box. Y’all, this chick is certifiable. And I actually thank god that she was halfway decent tonight, because she probably robbed the Vote for the Worst crowd of a female Sanjaya. The dress was pretty. That’s something, right?
12? Is that 12? Kittens, I’m so exhausted and we’re only in semifinals week one. I think it will be Gokey, Alexis and Anoop. Anoop may be overtaken by Ricky. It could also conceivably be Tatiana (via VFTW) or Michael Sarver (via judge pimping). I’d be very surprised with anyone else, but who knows what you mischief makers will do. See you tomorrow in the kiss and cry.
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